Eight thirty-five. ‘Yes, it was great for me as well,’ I said, truthfully. ‘No thanks, I’m trying to give them up. Gloria, the thing is that my sister and her husband are coming back soon. You’ve never spoken to Norman, have you? No. Well, you see, he’s a very puritanical type – stiff-upper-lip, and all that. Very strict upbringing. Anyway, he might —’ ‘Oh, about five, ten to nine.’ ‘Oh, that’s fine. No panic, really. But he might get in a sweat. You know these posh types. Can’t relax about anything. And also I’ve got my interview tomorrow.’ ‘At Leeds Polytechnic.’
‘I’ve got to get back, too. I’m glad I could see you for this long.’
‘So was I.’
The contraceptive joined its (slightly) heavier twin.
Eight forty-five. Gloria giggled as she worked the T-shirt over her smudged breasts. And I giggled, too, to stop myself crapping all over the floor with anxiety.
Eight fifty-five. ‘Goodbye, my sweet. I’ll ring you tomorrow.’
Thanks for being so nice.’
I hurried her out of the front door.
‘Me? You were the one who was so nice,’ I said.
She giggled a second time, and ran down the path.
Draped flaccid over the banisters I treated myself to ten seconds of uninterrupted heavy breathing. Then I was downstairs like a whippet, talc-ing sheets and genitals, checking the pillow for make-up and the dog-ends for lipstick, roping tissues into the wastepaper basket two-handed and sending Gloria’s glass beneath the bed with the side of my foot. I thanked the Lord I had slept with Rachel that afternoon: hence oyster smell and churned blankets. Gargling Dettol in the bathroom I looked for post-coital spots. My face was a raspberry purée. I immersed it in a basinful of cold water. If Rachel said anything I’d just have to stutter that I had been terribly worried about everything.
‘Do I? No, it’s … I’ve j-j-just been terribly worried about everything. What eck-eck-exactly did your m-mother say?’
‘God, it’s all so difficult to believe, I know. But you mustn’t worry, love. It’s not your fault.’
‘I feel responsible.’
‘Rubbish. My idea in the first place … It was awful, though. She just came into my room and said, quite calmly, “I know you haven’t been staying at Nanny’s. Would you please tell me where you have been staying, or shall I call the police?” ‘
‘The police. Mm, like hell. Who does she think she is? Doesn’t she see that none of that’s on any more? You’re twenty, for fuck’s sake, she can’t —’
‘I told you she was neurotic about some things. I think Daddy …’ Rachel knitted her fingers and looked down at her lap.
‘What did you tell her?’
Told her the truth.’
‘Couldn’t you have sort of made up something ? No. I suppose not.’
She sank towards me, shaking and sniffing softly. I put my arm round her shoulders and finished my drink. I noticed that the street-lamps made the dust on the sitting-room windows golden, as if put there for decoration.
On our way downstairs the telephone rang.
‘It might be Mummy,’ Rachel said.
It wasn’t.
‘Bellamy here. Charles, is that you?’ he asked in a drunken gurgle. ‘I suppose you couldn’t make it.’
‘No. Sorry.’
‘I see. Interview tomorrow, then. Well, bonne chance! Perhaps, mm, after it’s … you might – Charles, it would be nice to see you. I want to —’
‘No. Sorry. Bye now.’ I interrupted him with the dialling tone.
‘Who was it?’
‘Wrong number.’
You’d have thought that Rachel would be subdued that night, but she was all a-flutter when we got into bed. ‘Make me feel safe,’ she kept whispering in the dark, ‘oh, please, make me feel safe.’ Accordingly I furled my limbs about her in a complicated embrace. Yet she kept on whispering. ‘Hang on,’ I said.
The condom case was empty, of course, so I looked out the box of Sharpshooters. Who needs it, I thought. You’ll be coming blood, if anything.
It, too, was empty.
‘Damn. None left.’
‘No,’ said Rachel. There was one. I saw it this afternoon. There were two there.’
In a voice that could have been my younger brother’s, I asked: ‘Are you sure ?’