fortunes: his grace hath made the match, and an
grace say Amen to it.
BEATRICE Speak, count, ’tis your cue.
CLAUDIO Silence is the perfectest herald of joy: I were
but little happy, if I could say how much. Lady, as
you are mine, I am yours: I give away myself for
you and dote upon the exchange.
BEATRICE Speak, cousin; or, if you cannot, stop his mouth
with a kiss, and let not him speak neither.
DON PEDRO In faith, lady, you have a merry heart.
BEATRICE Yea, my lord; I thank it, poor fool, it keeps on
the windy side of care. My cousin tells him in his
ear that he is in her heart.
CLAUDIO And so she doth, cousin.
BEATRICE Good Lord, for alliance! Thus goes every one to the
world but I, and I am sunburnt; I may sit in a
corner and cry heigh-ho for a husband!
DON PEDRO Lady Beatrice, I will get you one.
BEATRICE I would rather have one of your father’s getting.
Hath your grace ne’er a brother like you? Your
father got excellent husbands, if a maid could come by them.
DON PEDRO Will you have me, lady?
BEATRICE No, my lord, unless I might have another for
working-days: your grace is too costly to wear
every day. But, I beseech your grace, pardon me: I
was born to speak all mirth and no matter.
DON PEDRO Your silence most offends me, and to be merry best
becomes you; for, out of question, you were born in
a merry hour.
BEATRICE No, sure, my lord, my mother cried; but then there
was a star danced, and under that was I born.
Cousins, God give you joy!
LEONATO Niece, will you look to those things I told you of?
BEATRICE I cry you mercy, uncle. By your grace’s pardon.
Exit
DON PEDRO By my troth, a pleasant-spirited lady.
LEONATO There’s little of the melancholy element in her, my
lord: she is never sad but when she sleeps, and
not ever sad then; for I have heard my daughter say,
she hath often dreamed of unhappiness and waked
herself with laughing.
DON PEDRO She cannot endure to hear tell of a husband.
LEONATO O, by no means: she mocks all her wooers out of suit.
DON PEDRO She were an excellent wife for Benedict.
LEONATO O Lord, my lord, if they were but a week married,
they would talk themselves mad.
DON PEDRO County Claudio, when mean you to go to church?
CLAUDIO To-morrow, my lord: time goes on crutches till love
have all his rites.
LEONATO Not till Monday, my dear son, which is hence a just
seven-night; and a time too brief, too, to have all
things answer my mind.
DON PEDRO Come, you shake the head at so long a breathing:
but, I warrant thee, Claudio, the time shall not go
dully by us. I will in the interim undertake one of
Hercules’ labours; which is, to bring Signior
Benedick and the Lady Beatrice into a mountain of
affection the one with the other. I would fain have
it a match, and I doubt not but to fashion it, if
you three will but minister such assistance as I
shall give you direction.
LEONATO My lord, I am for you, though it cost me ten
nights’ watchings.
CLAUDIO And I, my lord.
DON PEDRO And you too, gentle Hero?
HERO I will do any modest office, my lord, to help my
cousin to a good husband.
DON PEDRO And Benedick is not the unhopefullest husband that
I know. Thus far can I praise him; he is of a noble
strain, of approved valour and confirmed honesty. I
will teach you how to humour your cousin, that she
shall fall in love with Benedick; and I, with your
two helps, will so practise on Benedick that, in
despite of his quick wit and his queasy stomach, he
shall fall in love with Beatrice. If we can do this,
Cupid is no longer an archer: his glory shall be
ours, for we are the only love-gods. Go in with me,
and I will tell you my drift.
Exeunt
Scene 2
The same.
Enter DON JOHN and BORACHIO
DON JOHN It is so; the Count Claudio shall marry the
daughter of Leonato.
BORACHIO Yea, my lord; but I can cross it.
DON JOHN Any bar, any cross, any impediment will be
medicinable to me: I am sick in displeasure to him,
and whatsoever comes athwart his affection ranges
evenly with mine. How canst thou cross this marriage?
BORACHIO Not honestly, my lord; but so covertly that no
dishonesty shall appear in me.
DON JOHN Show me briefly how.
BORACHIO I think I told your lordship a year since, how much
I am in the favour of Margaret, the waiting
gentlewoman to Hero.
DON JOHN I remember.
BORACHIO I can, at any unseasonable instant of the night,
appoint her to look out at her lady’s chamber window.
DON JOHN What life is in that, to be the death of this marriage?
BORACHIO The poison of that lies in you to temper. Go you to
the prince your brother; spare not to tell him that
he hath wronged his honour in marrying the renowned
Claudio–whose estimation do you mightily hold
up–to a contaminated stale, such a one as Hero.
DON JOHN What proof shall I make of that?
BORACHIO Proof enough to misuse the prince, to vex Claudio,
to undo Hero and kill Leonato. Look you for any
other issue?
DON JOHN Only to despite them, I will endeavour any thing.
BORACHIO Go, then; find me a meet hour to draw Don Pedro and
the Count Claudio alone: tell them that you know
that Hero loves me; intend a kind of zeal both to the
prince and Claudio, as,–in love of your brother’s
honour, who hath made this match, and his friend’s
reputation, who is thus like to be cozened with the
semblance of a maid,–that you have discovered
thus. They will scarcely believe this without trial:
offer them instances; which shall bear no less
likelihood than to see me at her chamber-window,
hear me call Margaret Hero, hear Margaret term me
Claudio; and bring them to see this the very night
before the intended wedding,–for in the meantime I
will so fashion the matter that Hero shall be
absent,–and there shall appear such seeming truth
of Hero’s disloyalty that jealousy shall be called
assurance and all the preparation overthrown.
DON JOHN Grow this to what adverse issue it can, I will put
it in practise. Be cunning in the working this, and
thy fee is a thousand ducats.
BORACHIO Be you constant in the accusation, and my cunning
shall not shame me.
DON JOHN I will presently go learn their day of marriage.
Exeunt
Scene 3
LEONATO’S orchard.
Enter BENEDICK
BENEDICK Boy!
Enter Boy
Boy Signior?
BENEDICK In my chamber-window lies a book: bring it hither
to me in the orchard.
Boy I am here already, sir.
BENEDICK I know that; but I would have thee hence, and here again.
Exit Boy
I do much wonder that one man, seeing how much
another man is a fool when he dedicates his
behaviors to love, will, after he hath laughed at
such shallow follies in others, become the argument
of his own scorn by failing in love: and such a man
is Claudio. I have known when there was no music
with him but the drum and the fife; and now had he
rather hear the tabour and the pipe: I have known
when he would have walked ten mile a-foot to see a
good armour; and now will he lie ten nights awake,
carving the fashion of a new doublet. He was wont to
speak plain and to the purpose, like an honest man
and a soldier; and now is he turned orthography; his
words are a very fantastical banquet, just so many
strange dishes. May I be so converted and see with
these eyes? I cannot tell; I think not: I will not
be sworn, but love may transform me to an oyster; but
I’ll take my oath on it, till he have made an oyster
of me, he shall never make me such a fool. One woman
is fair, yet I am well; another is wise, yet I am
well; another virtuous, yet I am well; but till all
graces be in one woman, one woman shall not come in
my grace. Rich she shall be, that’s certain; wise,
or I’ll none; virtuous, or I’ll never cheapen her;
fair, or I’ll never look on her; mild, or come not
near me; noble, or not I for an angel; of good
discourse, an excellent musician, and her hair shall
be of what colour it please God. Ha! the prince and
Monsieur Love! I will hide me in the arbour.
Withdraws
Enter DON PEDRO, CLAUDIO, and LEONATO
DON PEDRO Come, shall we hear this music?