He sighed. “I have to admit that I had been worried about that; if you wouldn’t take her, I’d have to go with her. I couldn’t abandon her too.”
Too?
She was aching with curiosity, but she wouldn’t ask; not with the pain in his eyes so stark, it matched any of her own burdens. But he looked up from his hands, and he offered her the answer, like a gift.
“Mother—Elven Lady Viridina—is my real mother; it was my father who was the human,” he told her softly. “She sheltered me with illusion until I was old enough to understand, told me what I was, and taught me to protect myself. I told you why we had to run, that mages of the Council were coming to test me for illusion, to unmask me as a halfblood. Father knows that he is fullblooded; I couldn’t stay to be discovered, but by running, I practically admitted I’m a halfblood. So that leaves—”
“Your mother as having taken a human lover,” Shana breathed. “And it would have to have been a deliberate pregnancy, wouldn’t it?”
“It means the end of everything for her,” he acknowledged, bleakly. “She can feign insanity; she can create a false memory for the Council members of having her own child born dead and a halfblood substituted by the midwife. If they choose to press the subject, that won’t explain why I looked like a fullblood from the beginning, but if she pretends to go insane, all they’ll do is lock her up in Lord Tylar’s keeping. But she’ll live out all of her time in three small rooms, a prisoner in her own home, denied anything but the most basic necessities. Lord Tylar will never forgive her deception; more than that, he will never forgive the implication that he could not father a son.”
He was more troubled and guilty than he appeared; Shana sensed that clearly. He felt as if everything that was happening to his mother now was somehow his fault. Unfortunately, there wasn’t a great deal she could say, and none of it would be very comforting or ease his burden of guilt.
So rather than mouth platitudes, she kept her thoughts to herself, and simply let what comfort could come from her presence ease him. Finally he looked up from his clasped hands with a wan smile.
“I have one question for you, Shana—but I’m afraid it’s personal and entirely impertinent, and I have no right to ask it”
Oh? “Then you might as well,” she told him. “I’m supposedly an expert in impertinence.”
“Were you in love with Valyn?”
Since she had just been pondering that very question herself, it caught her unawares, and she answered before she could stop herself. “If you’d asked me that a month ago, I’d have said yes,” she replied with an honesty that shocked her as she listened to the words coming from her own mouth. “Now—I’m not sure. I’m beginning to think—maybe not.”
“Ah,” he replied, and his smile became a bit less wan. “Good.”
“Good?” she asked sharply. “Why good?”
“Because it means I have a chance,” he said, his own candor shocking her further, as he unclasped his hands and captured one of hers. “I can do my best, and see if it’s enough—but it wouldn’t be enough if you’d been in love with Valyn. I can’t compete with a ghost”
“Oh.” That was all she could manage, as she stared at him with wide, round eyes. “I see.”
‘I think you do.” He stared into her eyes for a moment longer, then got to his feet, tugging her gently to hers. “Meanwhile, I think Mero and Rena have the right idea. Shall we follow their example?”
Sheyrena thought that she had never been so happy in her life. As she and Mero walked slowly in the moonlight soft breezes stirring scent out of the grass beneath their feet, insects and birds singing all around them, it was easy to forget that they were captives and simply hold to the moment.
She had spent her life grasping at moments of transitory happiness; she was well practiced at it.
Mero was completely unlike a hero out of a romance—not too surprising, really, since all those romances were written under the careful eye of elven males, and while they would portray the kind of male an elven maiden would find attractive, they would also portray the male other males would find appropriate. He had not come into her life, swept her off her feet, and proceeded to wrap her in a cloak of protection and make all her decisions for her. No, be had been supportive, but not precisely protective. When her own uncertainties surfaced, as they were all too prone to do, he would give her a look or a handclasp that said without words, “You can do this. You can contribute. You are clever enough.”
That was more important to her than all of the words of protection in the universe. “You can hold your own___”
His hand held out to her was not the hand of the master, but the hand to help her over a difficult spot; one that expected her to do the same in return for him.
“A pin for your thoughts,” Mero said softly.
She laughed. “Oh—that I am very glad that you are yourself.”
“If I weren’t myself, who would I be?” he replied comically.
“Not that idiot I was betrothed to, anyway.” She had told him all about that horrid betrothal dinner; he had grimaced in sympathy, but then he had pointed out how the concubine must be feeling in all this. That she must surely be afraid of losing her position, and when that happened, it was a long, long fall—
At the end of that long fall, mere would probably be plenty of her fellow slaves who would be happy to see her brought down.
She had thought, then, of all her own father’s former concubines, and had realized that much of their bitterness was due to that very thing. How could they not feel bitter? And what other recourse did they have to ease their broken pride but the kinds of subtle insubordination she had seen over and over?
Her mother must have known mat—and it was why her mother had ignored it, showing sensitivity that Rena had not at the time imagined.
“Well, I’m glad I’m myself, too. And I am glad that you are becoming more of yourself.” He squeezed her hand gently, and she moved a little closer to him. Cattle lowed somewhere in the distance. “You are stronger every day, you know. You remember, more and more often, not to be afraid.”
“Oh, I’m a coward for all of that,” she told him, but he shook his head.
“No. You only forget, now and again, that you’re really very brave. That’s all.” He took the hand he held, turned it palm upward, and planted a kiss in it, closing all her fingers around it. “Keep that to help you remember.”
She shivered with pleasure and happiness, and felt herself blushing. “I will,” she whispered.
“I know,” he replied.
And he did. That was the glorious part. He did know.
She held to the moment as she held to the kiss. Whatever else came, she had this.
She would always have this.
Chapter 9
TODAY, WHILE JAMAL was watching his warriors in their practice games, the conspirators were meeting for the first time under blue skies rather than beneath the roof of a tent. Keman glanced around their little gathering uneasily; he didn’t like the fact that they were meeting in the open, in a clear space between two of the tents belonging to the Priests, but he hadn’t been able to voice his objections clearly.
He had been uneasy from the moment when Jamal capitulated to Shana’s demand to speak only to Diric. There was something wrong; there had been for some time, but the “wrongness” lay only in the fact that things were going entirely too well. That made his unease all the more difficult to justify. Jamal was silent where they were concerned; he made no inquiries about them, accepted the maps and lists of properties and the means used to guard them with no comment, and didn’t seem to care about anything else. There was something very wrong about that—given the fact that Jamal had been shamed before his own people by Shana’s declarations, and Jamal was not a man to take such things lightly. He was a bad man to have as an enemy; he would never forget a slight, much less a wrong.
Shana told Keman that he was manufacturing trouble where there was none, and asked him with a touch of acidity if things were simply not perilous enough for him. But he could not get over the feeling that there was something they were all missing, and the clues were in Jamal’s behavior, if they could only read them.