P G Wodehouse – Piccadilly Jim

Mr. Pett started. Not for many a day had a nickname which he considered the most distasteful of all possible nicknames risen up from its grave to haunt him. Patient Pete! He had thought the repulsive title buried forever in the same tomb as his dead youth. Patient Pete! The first faint glimmer of the flame of rebellion began to burn in his bosom.

“Patient Pete!”

“Patient Pete!” said Ann inexorably.

“But, Ann,”–there was pathos in Mr. Pett’s voice–“I like a peaceful life.”

“You’ll never have one if you don’t stand up for yourself. You know quite well that father is right. You do let every one trample on you. Do you think father would let Ogden worry him and have his house filled with affected imitation geniuses so that he couldn’t find a room to be alone in?”

“But, Ann, your father is different. He likes fusses. I’ve known your father contradict a man weighing two hundred pounds out of sheer exuberance. There’s a lot of your father in you, Ann. I’ve often noticed it.”

“There is! That’s why I’m going to make you put your foot down sooner or later. You’re going to turn all these loafers out of the house. And first of all you’re going to help us send Ogden away to Mr. Smithers.”

There was a long silence.

“It’s your red hair!” said Mr. Pett at length, with the air of a man who has been solving a problem. “It’s your red hair that makes you like this, Ann. Your father has red hair, too.”

Ann laughed.

“It’s not my fault that I have red hair, uncle Peter. It’s my misfortune.”

Mr. Pett shook his head.

“Other people’s misfortune, too!” he said.

CHAPTER II

THE EXILED FAN

London brooded under a grey sky. There had been rain in the night, and the trees were still dripping. Presently, however, there appeared in the laden haze a watery patch of blue: and through this crevice in the clouds the sun, diffidently at first but with gradually increasing confidence, peeped down on the fashionable and exclusive turf of Grosvenor Square. Stealing across the square, its rays reached the massive stone walls of Drexdale House, until recently the London residence of the earl of that name; then, passing through the window of the breakfast-room, played lightly on the partially bald head of Mr. Bingley Crocker, late of New York in the United States of America, as he bent over his morning paper. Mrs. Bingley Crocker, busy across the table reading her mail, the rays did not touch. Had they done so, she would have rung for Bayliss, the butler, to come and lower the shade, for she endured liberties neither from Man nor from Nature.

Mr. Crocker was about fifty years of age, clean-shaven and of a comfortable stoutness. He was frowning as he read. His smooth, good-humoured face wore an expression which might have been disgust, perplexity, or a blend of both. His wife, on the other hand, was looking happy. She extracted the substance from her correspondence with swift glances of her compelling eyes, just as she would have extracted guilty secrets from Bingley, if he had had any. This was a woman who, like her sister Nesta, had been able all her life to accomplish more with a glance than other women with recrimination and threat. It had been a popular belief among his friends that her late husband, the well-known Pittsburg millionaire G. G. van Brunt, had been in the habit of automatically confessing all if he merely caught the eye of her photograph on his dressing table.

From the growing pile of opened envelopes Mrs. Crocker looked up, a smile softening the firm line of her lips.

“A card from Lady Corstorphine, Bingley, for her at-home on the twenty-ninth.”

Mr. Crocker, still absorbed, snorted absently.

“One of the most exclusive hostesses in England…. She has influence with the right sort of people. Her brother, the Duke of Devizes, is the Premier’s oldest friend.”

“Uh?”

“The Duchess of Axminster has written to ask me to look after a stall at her bazaar for the Indigent Daughters of the Clergy.”

“Huh?”

“Bingley! You aren’t listening. What is that you are reading?”

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