P G Wodehouse – Something New

“George, you mustn’t–really!”

“Why mustn’t I?”

“It’s wrong. You can’t talk like that when we are both enjoying the hospitality–”

A wild laugh, almost a howl, disturbed the talk of the most adjacent of the perambulating relations. Colonel Horace Mant, checked in mid-sentence, looked up resentfully at the cause of the interruption.

“I wish somebody would tell me whether it’s that American fellow, Emerson, or young Freddie who’s supposed to be engaged to Miss Peters. Hanged if you ever see her and Freddie together, but she and Emerson are never to be found apart. If my respected father-in-law had any sense I should have thought he would have had sense enough to stop that.”

“You forget, my dear Horace,” said the bishop charitably; “Miss Peters and Mr. Emerson have known each other since they were children.”

“They were never nearly such children as Emsworth is now,” snorted the colonel. “If that girl isn’t in love with Emerson I’ll be–I’ll eat my hat.”

“No, no,” said the bishop. “No, no! Surely not, Horace. What were you saying when you broke off?”

“I was saying that if a man wanted his relations never to speak to each other again for the rest of their lives the best thing he could do would be to herd them all together in a dashed barrack of a house a hundred miles from anywhere, and then go off and spend all his time prodding dashed flower beds with a spud–dash it!”

“Just so; just so. So you were. Go on, Horace; I find a curious comfort in your words.”

On the terrace above them Aline was looking at George with startled eyes.

“George!”

“I’m sorry; but you shouldn’t spring these jokes on me so suddenly. You said enjoying! Yes–reveling in it, aren’t we!”

“It’s a lovely old place,” said Aline defensively.

“And when you’ve said that you’ve said everything. You can’t live on scenery and architecture for the rest of your life. There’s the human element to be thought of. And you’re beginning–”

“There goes father,” interrupted Aline. “How fast he is walking! George, have you noticed a sort of difference in father these last few days?”

“I haven’t. My specialty is keeping an eye on the rest of the Peters family.”

“He seems better somehow. He seems to have almost stopped smoking–and I’m very glad, for those cigars were awfully bad for him. The doctor expressly told him he must stop them, but he wouldn’t pay any attention to him. And he seems to take so much more exercise. My bedroom is next to his, you know, and every morning I can hear things going on through the wall–father dancing about and puffing a good deal. And one morning I met his valet going in with a pair of Indian clubs. I believe father is really taking himself in hand at last.”

George Emerson exploded.

“And about time, too! How much longer are you to go on starving yourself to death just to give him the resolution to stick to his dieting? It maddens me to see you at dinner. And it’s killing you. You’re getting pale and thin. You can’t go on like this.”

A wistful look came over Aline’s face.

“I do get a little hungry sometimes–late at night generally.”

“You want somebody to take care of you and look after you. I’m the man. You may think you can fool me; but I can tell. You’re weakening on this Freddie proposition. You’re beginning to see that it won’t do. One of these days you’re going to come to me and say: ‘George, you were right. I take the count. Me for the quiet sneak to the station, without anybody knowing, and the break for London, and the wedding at the registrar’s.’ Oh, I know! I couldn’t have loved you all this time and not know. You’re weakening.”

The trouble with these supermen is that they lack reticence. They do not know how to omit. They expand their chests and whoop. And a girl, even the mildest and sweetest of girls–even a girl like Aline Peters–cannot help resenting the note of triumph. But supermen despise tact. As far as one can gather, that is the chief difference between them and the ordinary man.

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