P G Wodehouse – Something New

“That’s the Larsen Exercises. They develop the whole body.”

“Well, you’re a pretty good advertisement for them if they need one. What were you before you came to me–a prize-fighter?”

“That’s the question everybody I have met since I arrived here has asked me. I believe it made the butler think I was some sort of crook when I couldn’t answer it. I used to write stories– detective stories.”

“What you ought to be doing is running a place over here in England like Muldoon has back home. But you will be able to write one more story out of this business here, if you want to. When are you going to have another try for my scarab?”

“To-night.”

“To-night? How about Baxter?”

“I shall have to risk Baxter.”

Mr. Peters hesitated. He had fallen out of the habit of being magnanimous during the past few years, for dyspepsia brooks no divided allegiance and magnanimity has to take a back seat when it has its grip on you.

“See here,” he said awkwardly; “I’ve been thinking this over lately–and what’s the use? It’s a queer thing; and if anybody had told me a week ago that I should be saying it I wouldn’t have believed him; but I am beginning to like you. I don’t want to get you into trouble. Let the old scarab go. What’s a scarab anyway? Forget about it and stick on here as my private Muldoon. If it’s the five thousand that’s worrying you, forget that too. I’ll give it to you as your fee.”

Ashe was astounded. That it could really be his peppery employer who spoke was almost unbelievable. Ashe’s was a friendly nature and he could never be long associated with anyone without trying to establish pleasant relations; but he had resigned himself in the present case to perpetual warfare.

He was touched; and if he had ever contemplated abandoning his venture, this, he felt, would have spurred him on to see it through. This sudden revelation of the human in Mr. Peters was like a trumpet call.

“I wouldn’t think of it,” he said. “It’s great of you to suggest such a thing; but I know just how you feel about the thing, and I’m going to get it for you if I have to wring Baxter’s neck. Probably Baxter will have given up waiting as a bad job by now if he has been watching all this while. We’ve given him ten nights to cool off. I expect he is in bed, dreaming pleasant dreams. It’s nearly two o’clock. I’ll wait another ten minutes and then go down.” He picked up the cookbook. “Lie back and make yourself comfortable, and I’ll read you to sleep first.”

“You’re a good boy,” said Mr. Peters drowsily.

“Are you ready? ‘Pork Tenderloin Larded. Half pound fat pork–‘” A faint smile curved Mr. Peters’ lips. His eyes were closed and he breathed softly. Ashe went on in a low voice: “‘four large pork tenderloins, one cupful cracker crumbs, one cupful boiling water, two tablespoonfuls butter, one teaspoonful salt, half teaspoonful pepper, one teaspoonful poultry seasoning.'”

A little sigh came from the bed.

“‘Way of Preparing: Wipe the tenderloins with a damp cloth. With a sharp knife make a deep pocket lengthwise in each tenderloin. Cut your pork into long thin strips and, with a needle, lard each tenderloin. Melt the butter in the water, add the seasoning and the cracker crumbs, combining all thoroughly. Now fill each pocket in the tenderloin with this stuffing. Place the tenderloins–‘”

A snore sounded from the pillows, punctuating the recital like a mark of exclamation. Ashe laid down the book and peered into the darkness beyond the rays of the bed lamp. His employer slept.

Ashe switched off the light and crept to the door. Out in the passage he stopped and listened. All was still. He stole downstairs.

George Emerson sat in his bedroom in the bachelors’ wing of the castle smoking a cigarette. A light of resolution was in his eyes. He glanced at the table beside his bed and at what was on that table, and the light of resolution flamed into a glare of fanatic determination. So might a medieval knight have looked on the eve of setting forth to rescue a maiden from a dragon.

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