P G Wodehouse – Uneasy Money

It was half-way through the exhibition, when you could smell the sawdust and hear the seconds shouting advice under the ropes, that Claire, who, never having seen anything in her life like this extraordinary performance, had been staring spellbound, awoke to the realization that Dudley Pickering was proposing to her. It required a woman’s intuition to divine this fact, for Mr Pickering was not coherent. He did not go straight to the point. He rambled. But Claire understood, and it came to her that this thing had taken her before she was ready. In a brief while she would have to give an answer of some sort, and she had not clearly decided what answer she meant to give.

Then, while he was still skirting his subject, before he had wandered to what he really wished to say, the music stopped, the applause broke out again, and Lady Wetherby returned to the table like a pugilist seeking his corner at the end of a round. Her face was flushed and she was breathing hard.

‘They pay me money for that!’ she observed, genially. ‘Can you beat it?’

The spell was broken. Mr Pickering sank back in his chair in a punctured manner. And Claire, making monosyllabic replies to her friend’s remarks, was able to bend her mind to the task of finding out how she stood on this important Pickering issue. That he would return to the attack as soon as possible she knew; and the next time she must have her attitude clearly defined one way or the other.

Lady Wetherby, having got the Dance of Psyche out of her system, and replaced it with a glass of iced coffee, was inclined for conversation.

‘Algie called me up on the phone this evening, Claire.’

‘Yes?’

Claire was examining Mr Pickering with furtive side glances. He was not handsome, nor, on the other hand, was he repulsive. ‘Undistinguished’ was the adjective that would have described him. He was inclined to stoutness, but not unpardonably so; his hair was thin, but he was not aggressively bald; his face was dull, but certainly not stupid. There was nothing in his outer man which his millions would not offset. As regarded his other qualities, his conversation was certainly not exhilarating. But that also was not, under certain conditions, an unforgivable thing. No, looking at the matter all round and weighing it with care, the real obstacle, Claire decided, was not any quality or lack of qualities in Dudley Pickering–it was Lord Dawlish and the simple fact that it would be extremely difficult, if she discarded him in favour of a richer man without any ostensible cause, to retain her self-respect.

‘I think he’s weakening.’

‘Yes?’

Yes, that was the crux of the matter. She wanted to retain her good opinion of herself. And in order to achieve that end it was essential that she find some excuse, however trivial, for breaking off the engagement.

‘Yes?’

A waiter approached the table.

‘Mr Pickering!’

The thwarted lover came to life with a start.

‘Eh?’

‘A gentleman wishes to speak to you on the telephone.’

‘Oh, yes. I was expecting a long-distance call, Lady Wetherby, and left word I would be here. Will you excuse me?’

Lady Wetherby watched him as he bustled across the room.

‘What do you think of him, Claire?’

‘Mr Pickering? I think he’s very nice.’

‘He admires you frantically. I hoped he would. That’s why I wanted you to come over on the same ship with him.’

‘Polly! I had no notion you were such a schemer.’

‘I would just love to see you two fix it up,’ continued Lady Wetherby, earnestly. ‘He may not be what you might call a genius, but he’s a darned good sort; and all his millions help, don’t they? You don’t want to overlook these millions, Claire!’

‘I do like Mr Pickering.’

‘Claire, he asked me if you were engaged.’

‘What!’

‘When I told him you weren’t, he beamed. Honestly, you’ve only got to lift your little finger and–Oh, good Lord, there’s Algie!’

Claire looked up. A dapper, trim little man of about forty was threading his way among the tables in their direction. It was a year since Claire had seen Lord Wetherby, but she recognized him at once. He had a red, weather-beaten face with a suspicion of side-whiskers, small, pink-rimmed eyes with sandy eyebrows, the smoothest of sandy hair, and a chin so cleanly shaven that it was difficult to believe that hair had ever grown there. Although his evening-dress was perfect in every detail, he conveyed a subtle suggestion of horsiness. He reached the table and sat down without invitation in the vacant chair.

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