P G Wodehouse – Uneasy Money

Lady Wetherby’s manner thawed. She became more friendly.

‘When you talk like that, Algie, I feel there’s hope for you after all. That’s how you used to talk in the dear old days when you’d come to me to borrow half-a-crown to put on a horse! Listen, now that at last you seem to be getting more reasonable; I wish I could make you understand that I don’t keep Clarence for sheer love of him. He’s a commercial asset. He’s an advertisement. You must know that I have got to have something to–‘

‘I admit that may be so as regards the monkey, Eustace. Monkeys as aids to publicity have, I believe, been tested and found valuable by other artistes. I am prepared to accept Eustace, but the snake is worthless.’

‘Oh, you don’t object to Eustace, then?’

‘I do strongly, but I concede his uses.’

‘You would live in the same house as Eustace?’

‘I would endeavour to do so. But not in the same house as Eustace and Clarence.’

There was a pause.

‘I don’t know that I’m so stuck on Clarence myself,’ said Lady Wetherby, weakly.

‘My darling!’

‘Wait a minute. I’ve not said I would get rid of him.’

‘But you will?’

Lady Wetherby’s hesitation lasted but a moment. ‘All right, Algie. I’ll send him to the Zoo to-morrow.’

‘My precious pet!’

A hand, reaching under the table, enveloped Claire’s in a loving clasp.

From the look on Lord Wetherby’s face she supposed that he was under the delusion that he was bestowing this attention on his wife.

‘You know, Algie, darling,’ said Lady Wetherby, melting completely, ‘when you get that yearning note in your voice I just flop and take the full count.’

‘My sweetheart, when I saw you doing that Dream of What’s-the-girl’s-bally-name dance just now, it was all I could do to keep from rushing out on to the floor and hugging you.’

‘Algie!’

‘Polly!’

‘Do you mind letting go of my hand, please, Lord Wetherby?’ said Claire, on whom these saccharine exchanges were beginning to have a cloying effect.

For a moment Lord Wetherby seemed somewhat confused, but, pulling himself together, he covered his embarrassment with a pomposity that blended poorly with his horsy appearance.

‘Married life, Miss Fenwick,’ he said, ‘as you will no doubt discover some day, must always be a series of mutual compromises, of cheerful give and take. The lamp of love–‘

His remarks were cut short by a crash at the other end of the room. There was a sharp cry and the splintering of glass. The place was full of a sudden, sharp confusion. They jumped up with one accord. Lady Wetherby spilled her iced coffee; Lord Wetherby dropped the lamp of love. Claire, who was nearest the pillar that separated them from the part of the restaurant where the accident had happened, was the first to see what had taken place.

A large man, dancing with a large girl, appeared to have charged into a small waiter, upsetting him and his tray and the contents of his tray. The various actors in the drama were now engaged in sorting themselves out from the ruins. The man had his back toward her, and it seemed to Claire that there was something familiar about that back. Then he turned, and she recognized Lord Dawlish.

She stood transfixed. For a moment surprise was her only emotion. How came Bill to be in America? Then other feelings blended with her surprise. It is a fact that Lord Dawlish was looking singularly uncomfortable.

Claire’s eyes travelled from Bill to his partner and took in with one swift feminine glance her large, exuberant blondeness. There is no denying that, seen with a somewhat biased eye, the Good Sport resembled rather closely a poster advertising a revue.

Claire returned to her seat. Lord and Lady Wetherby continued to talk, but she allowed them to conduct the conversation without her assistance.

‘You’re very quiet, Claire,’ said Polly.

‘I’m thinking.’

‘A very good thing, too, so they tell me. I’ve never tried it myself. Algie, darling, he was a bad boy to leave his nice home, wasn’t he? He didn’t deserve to have his hand held.’

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