P G Wodehouse – Uneasy Money

‘I want to get myself into shape, old top,’ he said.

‘Yes?’

‘I’ve got to cut it out–to-night I thought I saw a monkey.’

‘Really?’

‘As plain as I see you now.’ Nutty gave the clubs a tentative swing. ‘What do you do with these darned things? Swing them about and all that? All right, I see the idea. Good night.’

But Bill did not pass a good night. He lay awake long, thinking over his plans for the morrow.

15

Lady Wetherby was feeling battered. She had not realized how seriously Roscoe Sherriff took the art of publicity, nor what would be the result of the half-hour he had spent at the telephone on the night of the departure of Eustace.

Roscoe Sherriff’s eloquence had fired the imagination of editors. There had been a notable lack of interesting happenings this summer. Nobody seemed to be striking or murdering or having violent accidents. The universe was torpid. In these circumstances, the escape of Eustace seemed to present possibilities. Reporters had been sent down. There were three of them living in the house now, and Wrench’s air of disapproval was deepening every hour.

It was their strenuousness which had given Lady Wetherby that battered feeling. There was strenuousness in the air, and she resented it on her vacation. She had come to Long Island to vegetate, and with all this going on round her vegetation was impossible. She was not long alone. Wrench entered.

‘A gentleman to see you, m’lady.’

In the good old days, when she had been plain Polly Davis, of the personnel of the chorus of various musical comedies, Lady Wetherby would have suggested a short way of disposing of this untimely visitor; but she had a position to keep up now.

‘From some darned paper?’ she asked, wearily.

‘No, m’lady. I fancy he is not connected with the Press.’

There was something in Wrench’s manner that perplexed Lady Wetherby, something almost human, as if Wrench were on the point of coming alive. She did not guess it, but the explanation was that Bill, quite unwittingly, had impressed Wrench. There was that about Bill that reminded the butler of London and dignified receptions at the house of the Dowager Duchess of Waveney. It was deep calling unto deep.

‘Where is he?’

‘I have shown him into the drawing-room, m’lady.’

Lady Wetherby went downstairs and found a large young man awaiting her, looking nervous.

Bill was feeling nervous. A sense of the ridiculousness of his mission had come upon him. After all, he asked himself, what on earth had he got to say? A presentiment had come upon him that he was about to look a perfect ass. At the sight of Lady Wetherby his nervousness began to diminish. Lady Wetherby was not a formidable person. In spite of her momentary peevishness, she brought with her an atmosphere of geniality and camaraderie.

‘It’s about your monkey,’ he said, coming to the point at once.

Lady Wetherby brightened.

‘Oh! Have you seen it?’

He was glad that she put it like that.

‘Yes. It came round our way last night.’

‘Where is that?’

‘I am staying at a farm near here, a place they call Flack’s. The monkey got into one of the rooms.’

‘Yes?’

‘And then–er–then it got out again, don’t you know.’

Lady Wetherby looked disappointed.

‘So it may be anywhere now?’ she said.

In the interests of truth, Bill thought it best to leave this question unanswered.

‘Well, it’s very good of you to have bothered to come out and tell me,’ said Lady Wetherby. ‘It gives us a clue, at any rate. Thank you. At least, we know now in which direction it went.’

There was a pause. Bill gathered that the other was looking on the interview as terminated, and that she was expecting him to go, and he had not begun to say what he wanted to say. He tried to think of a way of introducing the subject of Claire that should not seem too abrupt.

‘Er–‘ he said.

‘Well?’ said Lady Wetherby, simultaneously.

‘I beg your pardon.’

‘You have the floor,’ said Lady Wetherby. ‘Shoot!’

It was not what she had intended to say. For months she had been trying to get out of the habit of saying that sort of thing, but she still suffered relapses. Only the other day she had told Wrench to check some domestic problem or other with his hat, and he had nearly given notice. But if she had been intending to put Bill at his ease she could not have said anything better.

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