P G Wodehouse – Uneasy Money

Bill had no suggestions.

‘You realize our position? I wonder if we could be arrested for kidnapping. The monkey is far more human than most of the millionaire children who get kidnapped. It’s an awful fix. Did you know that Lady Wetherby is going to offer a reward for the animal?’

‘No, really?’

‘Five hundred dollars!’

‘Surely not!’

‘She is. I suppose she feels she can charge it up to necessary expenses for publicity and still be ahead of the game, taking into account the advertising she’s going to get.’

‘She said nothing about that when I saw her.’

‘No, because it won’t be offered until to-morrow or the day after. One of the newspaper men told me that. The idea is, of course, to make the thing exciting just when it would otherwise be dying as a news item. Cumulative interest. It’s a good scheme, too, but it makes it very awkward for me. I don’t want to be in the position of keeping a monkey locked up with the idea of waiting until somebody starts a bull market in monkeys. I consider that that sort of thing would stain the spotless escutcheon of the Boyds. It would be a low trick for that old-established family to play. Not but what poor, dear Nutty would do it like a shot,’ she concluded meditatively.

Bill was impressed.

‘It does make it awkward, what?’

‘It makes it more than awkward, what! Take another aspect of the situation. The night before last my precious Nutty, while ruining his constitution with the demon rum, thought he saw a monkey that wasn’t there, and instantly resolved to lead a new and better life. He hates walking, but he has now begun to do his five miles a day. He loathes cold baths, but he now wallows in them. I don’t know his views on Indian clubs, but I should think that he has a strong prejudice against them, too, but now you can’t go near him without taking a chance of being brained. Are all these good things to stop as quickly as they began? If I know Nutty, he would drop them exactly one minute after he heard that it was a real monkey he saw that night. And how are we to prevent his hearing? By a merciful miracle he was out taking his walk when the newspaper men began to infest the place to-day, but that might not happen another time. What conclusion does all this suggest to you, Mr Chalmers?’

‘We ought to get rid of the animal.’

‘This very minute. But don’t you bother to come. You must be tired out, poor thing.’

‘I never felt less tired,’ said Bill stoutly.

Elizabeth looked at him in silence for a moment.

‘You’re rather splendid, you know, Mr Chalmers. You make a great partner for an adventure of this kind. You’re nice and solid.’

The outhouse lay in the neighbourhood of the hives, a gaunt, wooden structure surrounded by bushes. Elizabeth glanced over her shoulder as she drew the key from her pocket.

‘You can’t think how nervous I was this afternoon,’ she said. ‘I thought every moment one of those newspaper men would look in here. I–James! James! I thought I heard James in those bushes–I kept heading them away. Once I thought it was all up.’ She unlocked the door. ‘One of them was about a yard from the window, just going to look in. Thank goodness, a bee stung him at the psychological moment, and–Oh!’

‘What’s the matter?’

‘Come and get a banana.’

They walked to the house. On the way Elizabeth stopped.

‘Why, you haven’t had any dinner either!’ she said.

‘Never mind me,’ said Bill, ‘I can wait. Let’s get this thing finished first.’

‘You really are a sport, Mr Chalmers,’ said Elizabeth gratefully. ‘It would kill me to wait a minute. I shan’t feel happy until I’ve got it over. Will you stay here while I go up and see that Nutty’s safe in his room?’ she added as they entered the house.

She stopped abruptly. A feline howl had broken the stillness of the night, followed instantly by a sharp report.

‘What was that?’

‘It sounded like a car backfiring.’

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