P G Wodehouse – Uneasy Money

‘I simply haven’t the nerve to do anything so risky.’

‘Oh, I would do it. There would be no need for you to come.’

‘I wouldn’t dream of deserting you.’

‘That’s awfully good of you.’

‘Besides, I’m not going to be left alone to-night until I can jump into my little white bed and pull the clothes over my head. I’m scared, I’m just boneless with fright. And I wouldn’t go anywhere near Lady Wetherby’s doorstep with it.’

‘Him.’

‘It’s no use, I can’t think of it as “him.” It’s no good asking me to.’

Bill frowned thoughtfully.

‘I read a story once where two chappies wanted to get rid of a body. They put it inside a fellow’s piano.’

‘You do seem to have read the most horrible sort of books.’

‘I rather like a bit of blood with my fiction,’ said Bill. ‘What about this piano scheme I read about?’

‘People only have talking machines in these parts.’

‘I read a story–‘

‘Let’s try to forget the stories you’ve read. Suggest something of your own.’

‘Well, could we dissect the little chap?’

‘Dissect him?’

‘And bury him in the cellar, you know. Fellows do it to their wives.’

Elizabeth shuddered.

‘Try again,’ she said.

‘Well, the only other thing I can think of is to take him into the woods and leave him there. It’s a pity we can’t let Lady Wetherby know where he is; she seems rather keen on him. But I suppose the main point is to get rid of him.’

‘I know how we can do both. That’s a good idea of yours about the woods. They are part of Lady Wetherby’s property. I used to wander about there in the spring when the house was empty. There’s a sort of shack in the middle of them. I shouldn’t think anybody ever went there–it’s a deserted sort of place. We could leave him there, and then–well, we might write Lady Wetherby a letter or something. We could think out that part afterward.’

‘It’s the best thing we’ve thought of. You really want to come?’

‘If you attempt to leave here without me I shall scream. Let’s be starting.’

Bill picked Eustace up by his convenient tail.

‘I read a story once,’ he said, ‘where a fellow was lugging a corpse through a wood, when suddenly–‘

‘Stop right there,’ said Elizabeth firmly.

During the conversation just recorded Dudley Pickering had been keeping a watchful eye on Bill and Elizabeth from the interior of a bush. His was not the ideal position for espionage, for he was too far off to hear what they said, and the light was too dim to enable him to see what it was that Bill was holding. It looked to Mr Pickering like a sack or bag of some sort. As time went by he became convinced that it was a sack, limp and empty at present, but destined later to receive and bulge with what he believed was technically known as the swag. When the two objects of vigilance concluded their lengthy consultation, and moved off in the direction of Lady Wetherby’s woods, any doubts he may have had as to whether they were the criminals he had suspected them of being were dispersed. The whole thing worked out logically.

The Man, having spied out the land in his two visits to Lady Wetherby’s house, was now about to break in. His accomplice would stand by with the sack. With a beating heart Mr Pickering gripped his revolver and moved round in the shadow of the shrubbery till he came to the gate, when he was just in time to see the guilty couple disappear into the woods. He followed them. He was glad to get on the move again. While he had been wedged into the bush, quite a lot of the bush had been wedged into him. Something sharp had pressed against the calf of his leg, and he had been pinched in a number of tender places. And he was convinced that one more of God’s unpleasant creatures had got down the back of his neck.

Dudley Pickering moved through the wood as snakily as he could. Nature had shaped him more for stability than for snakiness, but he did his best. He tingled with the excitement of the chase, and endeavoured to creep through the undergrowth like one of those intelligent Indians of whom he had read so many years before in the pages of Mr Fenimore Cooper. In those days Dudley Pickering had not thought very highly of Fenimore Cooper, holding his work deficient in serious and scientific interest; but now it seemed to him that there had been something in the man after all, and he resolved to get some of his books and go over them again. He wished he had read them more carefully at the time, for they doubtless contained much information and many hints which would have come in handy just now. He seemed, for example, to recall characters in them who had the knack of going through forests without letting a single twig crack beneath their feet. Probably the author had told how this was done. In his unenlightened state it was beyond Mr Pickering. The wood seemed carpeted with twigs. Whenever he stepped he trod on one, and whenever he trod on one it cracked beneath his feet. There were moments when he felt gloomily that he might just as well be firing a machine-gun.

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