P G Wodehouse – Uneasy Money

‘There’s no harm in giving the city a trial. Anyway, I can give you a letter or two that might help.’

‘That’s awfully good of you.’

‘You won’t mind my alluding to you as my friend William Smith?’

‘William Smith?’

‘You can’t travel under your own name if you are really serious about getting a job. Mind you, if my letters lead to anything it will probably be a situation as an earnest bill-clerk or an effervescent office-boy, for Rockefeller and Carnegie and that lot have swiped all the soft jobs. But if you go over as Lord Dawlish you won’t even get that. Lords are popular socially in America, but are not used to any great extent in the office. If you try to break in under your right name you’ll get the glad hand and be asked to stay here and there and play a good deal of golf and dance quite a lot, but you won’t get a job. A gentle smile will greet all your pleadings that you be allowed to come in and save the firm.’

‘I see.’

‘We may look on Smith as a necessity.’

‘Do you know, I’m not frightfully keen on the name Smith. Wouldn’t something else do?’

‘Sure. We aim to please. How would Jones suit you?’

‘The trouble is, you know, that if I took a name I wasn’t used to I might forget it.’

‘If you’ve the sort of mind that would forget Jones I doubt if ever you’ll be a captain of industry.’

‘Why not Chalmers?’

‘You think it easier to memorize than Jones?’

‘It used to be my name, you see, before I got the title.’

‘I see. All right. Chalmers then. When do you think of starting?’

‘To-morrow.’

‘You aren’t losing much time. By the way, as you’re going to New York you might as well use my flat.’

‘It’s awfully good of you.’

‘Not a bit. You would be doing me a favour. I had to leave at a moment’s notice, and I want to know what’s been happening to the place. I left some Japanese prints there, and my favourite nightmare is that someone has broken in and sneaked them. Write down the address–Forty-blank East Twenty-seventh Street. I’ll send you the key to Brown’s to-night with those letters.’

Bill walked up the Strand, glowing with energy. He made his way to Cockspur Street to buy his ticket for New York. This done, he set out to Brown’s to arrange with the committee the details of his departure.

He reached Brown’s at twenty minutes past two and left it again at twenty-three minutes past; for, directly he entered, the hall porter had handed him a telephone message. The telephone attendants at London clubs are masters of suggestive brevity. The one in the basement of Brown’s had written on Bill’s slip of paper the words: ‘1 p.m. Will Lord Dawlish as soon as possible call upon Mr Gerald Nichols at his office?’ To this was appended a message consisting of two words: ‘Good news.’

It was stimulating. The probability was that all Jerry Nichols wanted to tell him was that he had received stable information about some horse or had been given a box for the Empire, but for all that it was stimulating.

Bill looked at his watch. He could spare half an hour. He set out at once for the offices of the eminent law firm of Nichols, Nichols, Nichols, and Nichols, of which aggregation of Nicholses his friend Jerry was the last and smallest.

3

On a west-bound omnibus Claire Fenwick sat and raged silently in the June sunshine. She was furious. What right had Lord Dawlish to look down his nose and murmur ‘-Noblesse oblige-‘ when she asked him a question, as if she had suggested that he should commit some crime? It was the patronizing way he had said it that infuriated her, as if he were a superior being of some kind, governed by codes which she could not be expected to understand. Everybody nowadays did the sort of things she suggested, so what was the good of looking shocked and saying ‘-Noblesse oblige-‘?

The omnibus rolled on towards West Kensington. Claire hated the place with the bitter hate of one who had read society novels, and yearned for Grosvenor Square and butlers and a general atmosphere of soft cushions and pink-shaded lights and maids to do one’s hair. She hated the cheap furniture of the little parlour, the penetrating contralto of the cook singing hymns in the kitchen, and the ubiquitousness of her small brother. He was only ten, and small for his age, yet he appeared to have the power of being in two rooms at the same time while making a nerve-racking noise in another.

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