“Considering what you do for a living, Kay, you should know how important sex is. It is power. It is life and death,” Anna states. “Of course, in what you see, mainly we are talking about power that has been terribly abused. Chandonne is a good example. He gets sexual gratification from overpowering, from causing suffering, from playing God and deciding who lives and who dies and how.”
“Of course.”
“Power sexually excites him. It does most people,” Anna says.
“The greatest aphrodisiac,” I agree. “If people are honest about it.”
“Diane Bray is another example. A beautiful, provocative woman who used her sex appeal to overpower, to control others. At least this is the impression I have,” Anna says.
“It’s the impression she gave,” I reply.
“Do you think she was sexually attracted to you?” Anna asks me.
I evaluate this clinically. Uncomfortable with the idea, I hold it away from me and study it like an organ I am dissecting. “That never entered my mind,” I decide. “So it probably wasn’t there or I would have picked up the signals.” Anna doesn’t answer me. “Possibly,” I equivocate.
Anna isn’t buying it. “Didn’t you tell me she had tried to use Marino to get to know you?” she reminds me. “That she wanted to have lunch with you, socialize, get to know you, and tried to arrange this through him?”
“That’s what Marino told me,” I reply.
“Because she was sexually attracted to you, possibly? That would have been the ultimate overpowering of you, wouldn’t it? If she not only ruined your career, but helped herself to your body in the process and therefore appropriated every aspect of your existence? Isn’t that what Chandonne and others of his type do? They must feel attraction, too. It is simply that they act it out differently from the rest of us. And we know what you did to him when he tried to act out his attraction to you. His big mistake, no? He looked at you with lust and you blinded him. At least temporarily.” She pauses, her chin resting on her finger, her eyes steady on me.
I am looking directly at her now. I have that feeling again. I would almost describe it as a warning. I just can’t put a name toil.
“What might you have done had Diane Bray tried to act out her sexual attraction to you, saying it was there? If she had hit on you?”Anna keeps digging.
“I have ways of deflecting unwanted advances,” I reply.
“From women, too?”
“From anyone.”
“Then women have made advances.”
“Now and then, over the years.” It is an obvious question with an obvious answer. I don’t live in a cave. “Yes, I’ve certainly been around women who show interest I can’t reciprocate,” I say.
“Can’t or won’t?”
“Either.”
“And how does it make you feel when it is a woman who desires you? Any different than if it is a man?”
“Are you trying to find out if I’m homophobic, Anna?”
“Are you?”
I consider this. I reach as deep as I can to see if I am uncomfortable with homosexuality. I have always been quick to assure Lucy that I have no problem with same-sex relationships beyond the hardships they bring. “I’m okay with it,” I answer Anna. “Really and truly. It simply isn’t my preference. It’s not my choice.”
“People choose?”
“In a sense.” Of this I am certain. “And I say so because I believe people feel many attractions that aren’t what they would be most comfortable with, and so they don’t act on them. I can understand Lucy. I have seen her with her lovers and in a way envy their closeness, because although they have the difficulty of going against the majority, they also have the advantage of the special friendships women are capable of having with each other. It’s harder for men and women to be soul mates, deep friends. I’ll admit that much. But I think the significant difference between Lucy and me is I don’t expect to be a man’s soul mate, and men make her feel overpowered. And true intimacy can’t occur without a balance of power between the individuals. So because I don’t feel overpowered by men, I choose them physically.” Anna says nothing. “That’s probably as much as I’ll ever figure it out,” I add. “Not everything can be explained. Lucy and her attractions and needs can’t be completely explained. Nor can mine.”