‘Did not. I could scarcely tolerate being in the same room,’ I said. ‘But I felt sorry for you and wanted to be kind.’
A pillow sailed through the dark and hit me on the head. I threw it back. Then Lucy pounced from her bed to mine, and when she got there didn’t quite know what to do, because she was no longer ten and I wasn’t Janet. She got up and went back to her bed, loudly fluffing pillows behind her.
‘You sound like you’re a lot better,’ she said.
‘Better, but not a lot. I’ll live.’
‘Aunt Kay, what are you going to do about Benton? You don’t even seem to think about him anymore.’
‘Oh yes I do,’ I answered. ‘But things have been a little out of control of late, to say the least.’
‘That’s always the excuse people give. I should know. I heard it all my life from my mother.’
‘But not from me,’ I said.
‘That’s my point. What do you want to do about him? You could get married.’
The mere thought unnerved me again. ‘I don’t think I can do that, Lucy.’
‘Why not?’
‘Maybe I’m too set in my ways, on a track I can’t get off. Too much is demanded of me.’
‘You need to have a life, too.’
‘I feel like I do,’ I said. ‘But it may not be what everybody else thinks it should be.’
‘You’ve always given me advice,’ she said. ‘Maybe now it’s my turn. And I don’t think you should get married.’
‘Why?’ I was more curious than surprised.
‘I don’t think you ever really buried Mark. And until you do, you shouldn’t get married. All of you won’t be there, you know?’
I felt sad and was glad she could not see me in the dark. For the first time in our lives, I talked to her as a trusted friend.
‘I haven’t gotten over him and probably never will,’ I said. ‘I guess he was my first love.’
‘I know all about that,’ my niece went on. ‘I worry that if something happens, there will never be anybody else for me, either. And I don’t want to go the rest of my life not having what I’ve got now. Not having someone you can talk to about anything, someone who cares and is kind.’ She hestitated, and what she said next was honed to an edge. ‘Someone who doesn’t get jealous and use you.’
‘Lucy,’ I said, ‘Ring won’t wear a badge again in this lifetime, but only you can strip Carrie of her power over you.’
‘She has no power over me.’ Lucy’s temper flared.
‘Of course she does. And I can understand it. I’m furious with her, too.’
Lucy got quiet for a moment, and then she spoke in a smaller voice. ‘Aunt Kay, what will happen to me?’
‘I don’t know, Lucy,’ I said. ‘I don’t have the answers. But I promise I will be with you every step of the way.’
The twisted path that had led her to Carrie eventually bent us back around to Lucy’s mother, who, of course, was my sister. I wandered the ridges and rills of my growing-up years, and was honest with Lucy about my marriage to her ex-uncle Tony. I spoke of how it felt to be my age and know I probably would not have children. By now, the sky was lighting up, and it was time to start the day. The base commander’s driver was waiting in the lobby at nine, a young private who barely needed to shave.
‘We got one other person who came in right after you did,’ the private said, putting on Ray-Bans. ‘From Washington, the FBL’
He seemed to be very impressed with this and clearly had no idea what Lucy was, nor did the expression change on her face when I asked, ‘What does he do with the FBI?’
‘Some scientist or something. Pretty hot stuff,’ he said, eyeing Lucy, who was striking-looking even when she’d been up all night.
The scientist was Nick Gallwey, head of the Bureau’s Disaster Squad, and a forensic expert of considerable reputation. I had known him for years, and when he walked into the lobby, we gave each other a hug, and Lucy shook his hand.