Lars said, “It’s true.”
“I couldn’t catch the names of the drugs. Even though I had my door open and I was listening.”
“Escalatium.”
“Oh, no!”
“Conjorizine. I mix them together, grind them—”
“I heard that part. You inject them as a mixture; you really do. I thought you just said that for their benefit.” She regarded him with a dignified expression overlaid with amusement. It was not disapproval or shock that she felt, not the moral indignation of the KVB man—who was inevitably simple-minded: that was his nature. With her it was near admiration.
Lars said, “So I can’t do a thing until my physician arrives. All I can do—” he seated himself on a black wrought-iron chair—”is drink beer and wait.” And look at you.
“I have drugs.”
“They said otherwise.”
“What they say is as the tunneling of one worm in one dung heap.” Turning to the audio-video monitor which she had just now pointed out to him she said, “And that goes for you, Geschenko!”
“Who’s that?”
“The KVB surveillance-team Red Army intelligence major who will scan the tape that’s being made right now of you and me. Isn’t that right, Major?” she said to the concealed monitor.”
“You see,” she explained to Lars calmly, “I’m a convict.”
He stared at her. “You mean you committed a crime, a legal, specified crime, were tried and—”
“Tried and convicted. All as a pseudo—I don’t know what to call it. A mechanism; that’s it, a mechanism. By which I am legally at this moment, despite all the political, civil guarantees in the Constitution of the USSR, a person absolutely without recourse. I have no remedy whatsoever through the Soviet courts; no lawyer can get me out. I’m not like you. I know about you, Lars, or Mr. Lars. Or Mr. Powderdry, whatever you want to be called. I know how you’re set up in Wes-bloc. How I’ve envied over the years your position, your freedom and independence!”
He said, “You think that I could spit in their eye at any time.”
“Yes. I know it. KACH told me; they got it to me, in spite of the dung-heap inhabitants like Geschenko.”
Lars said, “KACH lied to you.”
16
She blinked. The dead cigar and the can of beer trembled, Lars said, “They have me right now as much as they’ve had you.”
“Didn’t you volunteer to come here to Fairfax?”
“Oh, sure!” He nodded. “In fact I personally talked Marshal Paponovich into the idea. Nobody made me come here; nobody put a pistol to my head. But somebody brought a pistol out of a desk drawer and let me view it, and let me know.”
“An FBI man?” Her eyes were enormous, like those of a little child hearing the exploits of the fabulous.
“No, not an FBI man, technically. A friend of the FBI, in this friendly, cooperative world in which we live. It’s not important; we don’t have to depress ourselves into talking about this. Except that you ought to know that they could have gotten to me any time. And when it mattered they let me know it.”
“So,” Lilo said thoughtfully, “you haven’t been that different. I heard you were a prima donna.”
Lars said, “I am, I’m difficult. I’m undependable. But they can still get out of me what they want. What else matters?”
“I guess nothing else,” she said, dutifully.
“What drugs do you take?”
“Formophane.”
“It sounds like a new make of one-way mirror.” He had never heard of it. “Or a plastic milk carton that opens itself and pours itself on your cereal without spilling a drop.”
Lilo said, between gulps, awkward and adolescent, at her can of beer, “Formophane is rare. You don’t have it in the West. It’s made by a firm in East Germany that descends from some ancient pre-Nazi pharmaceutical cartel. In fact it’s made—” She paused. Obviously she was considering whether it was wise to finish. “They make it expressly for me,” she said, at last.
There, it was done, she had told him. “The Pavlov Institute at New Moscow made a six-month analysis of my brain-metabolism to see what could be done to—improve it. They came up with this chemical formula and it was Xeroxed and passed on to A. G. Chemie. And A. G. Chemie produces sixty half-grain tablets of Formophane for me a month.”
“And it does what?”
Lilo said, carefully, “I don’t know.”
He felt fear. For her. For what they had done—and could do again any time they wanted. “Don’t you notice any effects?” he asked. “Deeper involvement in the trance-state? Longer? Fewer after-effects? You must notice something. Improvement in your sketches—it must be they give it to you to improve your sketches.”
Lilo said, “Or to keep me from dying.”
The fear inside him became acute. “Why dying? Explain.” He kept his voice low, free of affect; it appeared as casual. “Even considering the quasi-epileptoid nature of—”
“I am a very sick person,” Lilo said, “Mentally. I have what they call ‘depressions.’ They’re not depressions and they know it; that’s why I spent—always will spend—a lot of time at the Pavlov Institute. It’s hard to keep me going, Lars. That’s the simple fact. It’s a day by day proposition, and Formophane helps. I take it. I’m glad to get it—I don’t like the ‘depressions’ or whatever they are. You know what they are?” She leaned toward him urgently. “Want to know?”
“Sure.”
“I watched my hand once. It shriveled up and died and became a corpse hand. It rotted away to dust. And then it became all of me; I no longer lived. And then—I lived again. In another way, the life that’s to follow. After I die… Say something.” She waited.
“Well, that ought to interest the established religious institutions.” It was all he could think of, for the moment.
Lilo said, “Do you think, Lars, we, the two of us, can do what they want? Can we come up with what they call a ‘zap gun’? You know. A—I hate to say it—a real weapon?”
“Sure.”
“From where?”
“From the place we—visit. As if we took psilocybin. Which is related, as you know, to the adrenal hormone epinephrine. But I always have liked to think of it as if we’re taking teo-nanacatyl.”
“What’s that?”
“An Aztec word. It means ‘god’s flesh.’ ” He explained. “You know it under the name of its alkaloid. Mescaline.”
“Do you and I visit the same place?”
“Probably.”
“And it’s where, did you say?” She cocked her head, waiting, listening, watching. “You didn’t say. You don’t know! I know.”
“Then tell me.”
Lilo said, “I will if you’ll take Formophane first.” Rising, she disappeared into the other room. When she returned she carried two white tablets, which she held out to him.
For reasons which he did not know—which really frankly did not interest him—he obligingly, without even verbal protest, drank down the two tablets with his beer. The tablets caught in his throat momentarily. They seemed to stick there, and then were past the point from which they could be coughed forth, expelled. The drug was now a part of him. For whatever it foreboded; for whatever claim the chemical could make on his system—he had taken it on trust. And that was that.
Trust, he realized, not in the drug but in Lilo Topchev.
Lilo said, to his jolted surprise, “Anyone who would do that, is—a person who has failed.” She seemed sad and yet not disappointed. It was as if his trust had reinforced some deep, instinctual pessimism in her. Or was it something more? The Slavic fatalism?
He had to laugh; he was caricaturizing her. Whereas in fact he knew nothing about her yet, could not at this point decipher her in the least. “You’re going to die,” Lilo said. “I’ve been waiting to do this; I’m afraid of you.” She smiled. “They always told me that if I ever let them down the KVB hatchet-men operating in Wes-bloc would ‘nap you, bring you to Bulganingrad and use you, and I’d be discarded on what they call the ‘rubbish-heap of history.’ In the old-fashioned way. The way Stalin used.”
He said, “I don’t believe for even one second that you’re telling me the truth.”
“You don’t think you came all the way here just to be assassinated by me.”
He nodded.
After a pause Lilo sighed. “You’re right.”
He sagged with relief; his breathing resumed.
“I am afraid of you,” she continued. “They did threaten me, held you over my head perpetually. I got so I hated just thinking about you. And I suppose you are going to die. Everybody else does. Everybody else has in the past up to now. But not from what I just now gave you. That was a brain-metabolism stimulant resembling serotonin; it was exactly what I said and I gave it to you because I’m terribly interested to see its effects on you. You know what I want to do? Try your two drugs along with mine. We won’t just combine our talent. We’ll combine our metabolic stimulants too and see what we get. Because—” she hesitated childishly, openly somber but excited—”we have to be a success, Lars. We just have to.”