Phule Me Twice by Robert Asprin & Peter J. Heck

“Let me think about it,” said Botchup. “This isn’t the kind of decision that should be made on the spur of the moment. If Snipe recovers, it wouldn’t be necessary. On the other hand-“

The door opened and in came Phule, dressed in a tuxedo. “Just a reminder,” he said. “Free breakfast on the casino floor!” He waved his martini glass and ducked back out.

Botchup turned several shades paler. “You know, I think I have the most experience piloting that particular shuttle model. We really need to get Snipe to safety.”

“Sir, that’s a dangerous voyage,” said Armstrong. “Shouldn’t you let one of your subordinates take the risk?”

“Major, I think you should send the most expendable officer,” said Phule. “That’s obviously me…”

“Oh, no, you don’t!” said Botchup. “I happen to know that you own the biggest casino on Lorelei! You’ll run off and check into a luxury hotel suite and live the life of leisure. We’re wise to your tricks, Jester. You’re not taking that shuttle, not on your life.”

“Very well, Major, I’m sorry you trust me so little,” said Phule. “But if we’re going to evacuate poor Lieutenant Snipe, who’s to take him?”

The door opened to admit Chaplain Jordan Ayres, better known to Omega Company as Rev. “‘Scuse me, gen’lemen, I reckon we got to talk about the morale problem here…”

Major Botchup’s jaw dropped. He stared at Rev for fifteen seconds, then abruptly said, “Get Snipe ready to travel! And send a man to my quarters to pack up my personal belongings! I’m taking him to Lorelei myself!”

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