Phule Me Twice by Robert Asprin & Peter J. Heck

“No hotels?” exclaimed Do-Wop. “Does that mean no bars? That sucks, man!”

Tusk-anini sat up straight, which made him nearly as tall as Sushi would have been standing. “Maybe we go to my home world,” he said. “That would be good. Not such bright sun, good food…”

“Don’t let Escrima hear you say that,” said Super-Gnat with a chuckle. Then she added, “It’d be interesting to see your world, though. Anybody who wants to stay in hotels his whole life doesn’t have any business joining the Legion.” She shot a sharp glance in Do-Wop’s direction.

“Look who’s talking,” said Do-Wop. “You ask me, ain’t nobody here had a whole lotta business joinin’ the Legion.”

“I join Legion for business,” said Tusk-anini. “I join to learn about humans, so I can teach other Voltons about you people.”

“Have you learned anything?” asked Sushi. “I sometimes wonder whether that Leftenant Qual wasn’t right in his report on us, that we’re the most dangerous race in the Galaxy because we’re so unpredictable…” He stopped and put his hand to his chin. “Say…you don’t think we might be going to the Zenobians’ home world, do you?”

“Zenobia?” Super-Gnat whistled. “That’d be something, wouldn’t it? As far as I know, we’d be the first humans to see their world. I wonder what it’s like.”

“Hot, I guess,” said Sushi. “And swampy. They think our worlds are cold and dry.”

“Dry’s the word,” said Do-Wop glumly. “Qual never took a drink of liquor the whole time he was with the company. I knew it, a place without bars. I’m gonna purely hate this.”

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