Phule’s Company by Robert Asprin

“Do you know if everything’s set up in the main ballroom?”

“In a way, sir. Yes. One of your sergeants thought it best if we erected the divider to allow some privacy between the men and women, and it was necessary to open one of the adjoining meeting rooms for additional space-“

“Yes, yes,” Phule interrupted. “But they’re set to go?”

“Yes, sir. If you wish, I’ll inform them you’ve arrived.”

“No need, Bombest. Thanks, anyway,” the commander said as he began to retrace his steps toward the door.

“Okay! Listen up!”

The waiting Legionnaires lapsed into silence.

“I want the troops on point to take these papers and spread them out on the carpet between the door and the elevators. The rest of you move slow and stay on the path as much as possible. Any extra papers are to be left by the elevators, and I want you to grab a handful to spread ahead of you as you hit your floors. Let’s try to keep the mess to a minimum until we get cleaned up. Understand?”

“YES, SIR!”

“What’s wrong with room service?”

The catcall from the rear was greeted with laughter and a few scattered rude replies until Phule waved the company into silence once more.

“Let me answer that question once and for all,” he announced. “While we’re guests at this hotel, there is a housekeeping service as well as a laundry service at our disposal. I have also contracted similar services for us once we move into our new barracks.”

A wave of enthusiastic cheers was cut short with another gesture.

“However, I remind you that this is a privilege, and it is not to be abused. If it comes to my attention that the personnel of these services are being forced to deal with any unnecessary unpleasantness or are putting in extra hours due to any laziness or inconsideration of anyone under my command, several things will happen. First, they will be paid a bonus commensurate to the work required. Second, the bonus will be deducted from your paychecks rather than included in the normal expenses I am covering personally. Finally, those services will be canceled and their work distributed among the company as additional duty until such time as I am convinced that you appreciate their efforts sufficiently to conduct yourselves with the appropriate courtesy and consideration. Do I make myself clear?”

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