Phule’s Paradise by Robert Asprin

He smiled warmly, but Battleax didn’t return it.

“Uh-huh,” she said. “Now, tell me the rest of it, Captain. All of it. What exactly is going on here?”

Phule hesitated for a moment, then heaved a heavy sigh.

“You’ve heard, huh? Well, let’s just say that it’s been a far cry from the easy duty in paradise that the general billed this assignment as.”

“Could you be a bit more specific, Captain?” Battleax said, helping herself to some of the remaining wine. “Remember, I just got here.”

“Well … how much do you know so far?”

“Not a thing,” the colonel said.

“But then how did you know …”

“That things were rough?” Battleax finished. “Give me credit for a little intelligence at least, Captain Jester. It really wasn’t all that hard to figure out. First, there’s the fact that Blitzkrieg wouldn’t give you a drink of water in a desert unless there was poison in it. That coupled with the timing of the assignment-waiting until he could deal with you without going through me-made the whole thing suspect from the beginning.”

She paused to take another sip of wine.

“Second … frankly, Captain, you look like hell. While I know you have a tendency to push yourself, you usually take better care of yourself than this-or, at least, that butler of yours does. It looks like you haven’t slept in a week, and I’d be willing to bet it’s because things are bad enough that you feel you have to oversee things personally, to a point where it takes priority over your own well-being. An admirable stance, perhaps, but still an indication that something’s desperately wrong with this assignment. And finally …” The colonel fixed the commander with a steely gaze. “I’ve made a point of keeping up on the Legionnaires under your command, Captain. I review their records and your reports on a regular basis. Even in the short time I’ve been here, I’ve noticed that there are several unfamiliar faces wearing Space Legion uniforms and I’ve recognized a few of your degenerates working as hotel staff. Realizing they all view you as their ringleader and wouldn’t say boo to a goose unless they cleared it with you, I thought it best to come straight to the source for my information.” She leaned back in her chair. “Now it’s your turn, Captain. I want to know the truth behind what’s happening on this assignment before I hear it from the media, for a change.”

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