Huh. Well, they’d had an advert in Mr Keeble’s job shop for months now. Bed, three meals a day, and hump provided if necessary. Not so much as an enquiry. And people said there was all this unemployment around. It made you livid.
He picked up another piece of wood and measured it, grimacing as he unfolded the ruler.
Arthur’s back ached from digging the moat. And that was another thing your posh vampire didn’t have to worry about. The moat came with the job, style of thing. And it went all the way round, because other vampires didn’t have the street out in front of them and old Mrs Pivey complaining on one side and a family of trolls Doreen wasn’t speaking to on the other and therefore they didn’t end up with a moat that just went across the back yard. Arthur kept falling in it.
And then there was the biting the necks of young women. Or rather, there wasn’t. Arthur was always prepared to see the other person’s point of view, but he felt certain that young women came into the vampiring somewhere, whatever Doreen said. In
diaphanous pegnoyers. Arthur wasn’t quite certain what a diaphanous pegnoyer was, but he’d read about them and he definitely felt that he’d like to see one before he died … or whatever …
And other vampires didn’t suddenly find their wives talking with Vs instead of Ws. The reason being, your natural vampire talked like that anyway.
Arthur sighed.
It was no life, or half-life or afterlife or whatever it was, being a lower-middle-class wholesale fruit and vegetable merchant with an upper-class condition.
And then the music filtered in through the hole in the wall that he’d knocked out to put in the barred window.
‘Ow,’ he said, and clutched at his jaw. ‘Doreen?’
Reg Shoe thumped his portable podium.
‘- and, let me see, we shall not lie back and let the grass grow over our heads,’ he bellowed.‘So what is your seven-point plan for Equal Opportunities with the living, I hear you cry?’
The wind blew the dried grasses in the cemetery.
The only creature apparently paying any attention to Reg was a solitary raven.
Reg Shoe shrugged and lowered his voice. ‘You might at least make some effort,’ he said, to the next world at large.‘Here’s me wearing my fingers to the bone’ – he flexed his hands to demonstrate – ‘and do I hear a word of thanks?’
He paused, just in case.
The raven, which was one of the extra large, fat ones that infested the rooftops of the University, put its head on one side and gave Reg Shoe a thoughtful look.
‘You know,’ said Reg, ‘sometimes I just feel like giving up -‘
The raven cleared its throat.
Reg Shoe spun around.
‘You say one word, ‘ he said, ‘just one bloody word …’
And then he heard the music.
Ludmilla risked removing her hands from her ears.
‘It’s horrible! What is it, Mr Poons?’
Windle tried to pull the remains of his hat over his ears.
‘Don’t know,’ he said. ‘It could be music. If you’d never heard music before.’
There weren’t notes. There were strung-together noises that might have been intended to be notes, put together as one might draw a map of a country that one had never seen.
Hnyip. Ynyip. Hulyomp.
‘It’s coming from outside the city,’ said Ludmilla. ‘Where all the people … are … going … They can’t like it, can they?’
‘I can’t imagine why they should,’ said Windle.
‘It’s just that, . . you remember the trouble with the rats last year? That man who said he had a pipe that played music only rats could hear?’
‘Yes, but that wasn’t really true, it was all a fraud, it was just the Amazing Maurice and his Educated Rodents -‘
‘But supposing it could have been true?’
Windle shook his head.
‘Music to attract humans? Is that what you’re getting at? But that can’t be true. It’s not attracting us. Quite the reverse, I assure you.’
‘Yes, but you’re not human … exactly,’ said Ludmilla.‘And -‘ She stopped, and went red in the face.
Windle patted her on the shoulder.
‘Good point. Good point,’ was all he could think of to say.
‘You know, don’t you,’ she said, without looking up.
‘Yes. I don’t think it’s anything to be ashamed of, if that’s any help.’
Mother said it would be dreadful if anyone ever found out!’
‘That probably depends on who it is,’ said Windle, glancing at Lupine.
‘Why is your dog staring at me like that?’ said Ludmilla.
‘He’s very intelligent,’ said Windle.
Windle felt in his pocket, tipped out a couple of handfuls of soil, and unearthed his diary. Twenty days to next full moon. Still, it’d be something to look forward to.
The metal debris of the heap started to collapse. Trolleys whirred around it, and a large crowd of Ankh-Morpork’s citizens were standing in a big circle, trying to peer inside. The unmusical music filled the ???
‘There’s Mr Dibbler,’ said Ludmilla, as they pushed their way through the unresisting people.
‘What’s he selling this time?’
‘I don’t think he’s trying to sell anything, Mr Poons.’
‘It’s that bad? Then we’re probably in lots of trouble.’
Blue light shone out from one of the holes in the heap. Bits of broken trolley tinkled to the ground like metal leaves.
Windle bent down stiffly and picked up a pointy hat. It was battered and had been run over by a lot of trolleys, but it was still recognisable as something that by rights should be on someone’s head.
‘There’s wizards in there,’ he said.
Silver light glittered off the metal. It moved like oil.
Windle reached out and a fat spark jumped across and grounded itself on his fingers.
‘Hmm,’ he said. ‘Lot of potential, too -‘
Then he heard the cry of the vampires.
‘Coo-ee, Mr Poons!’
He turned. The Notfaroutoes were bearing down on him.
‘We – I mean, Ve vould have been here sooner, only -‘
‘- I couldn’t find the blasted collar stud,’ muttered Arthur, looking hot and flustered. He was wearing a collapsible opera hat, which was fine on the collapsible part but regrettably lacking in hatness, so that Arthur appeared to be looking at the world from under a concertina.
‘Oh, hallo,’ said Windle. There was something dreadfully fascinating about the Winkings’ dedication to accurate vampirism.
‘Unt who iss the yunk laty?’ said Doreen, beaming at Ludmilla.
‘Pardon?’ said Windle.
‘Vot?’
‘Doreen – I mean, the Countess asked who she is,’ Arthur supplied, wearily.
‘I understood what I said,’ snapped Doreen, in the more normal tones of one bon and brought up in Ankh-Morpork rather than some tran-sylvanian fastness.‘Honestly, if I left it to you, we’d have no standards at all -‘
‘My name’s Ludmilla, ‘ said Ludmilla.
‘Charmed,’ said the Countess Notfaroutoe graciously, extending a hand that would have been thin and pale if it had not been pink and stubby. ‘Alvays nice to meet fresh blood. If you ever fancy a dog biscuit when you’re out and about, our door iss alwace open.’
Ludmilla turned to Windle Poons.
‘It’s not written on my forehead, is it?’ she said.
‘These are a special kind of people.’ said Windle gently.
‘I should think so,’ said Ludmilla, levelly. ‘I hardly know anyone who wears an opera cloak the whole time.’
‘You’ve got to have the cloak,’ said Count Arthur. ‘For the wings, you see. Like -‘
He spread the cloak dramatically. There was a brief, implosive noise, and a small fat bat hung in the air. It looked down, gave an angry squeak, and nosedived on to the soil. Doreen picked it up by its feet and dusted it off.
‘It’s having to sleep with the window open all night that I object to,’ she said vaguely. ‘I wish they’d stop that music! I ‘m getting a headache.’
There was another whoomph. Arthur reappeared upside down and landed on his head.
‘It’s the drop, you see,’ said Doreen. ‘It’s like a run-up, sort of thing. If he doesn’t get at least a onestorey start he can’t get up a proper airspeed.’
‘I can’t get a proper airspeed,’ said Arthur, struggling to his feet.
‘Excuse me, ‘ said Windle, ‘The music doesn’t affect you?’
‘It puts my teeth on edge is what it does,’ said Arthur.‘Which is not a good thing for a vampire, I prob’ly don’t have to tell you.’
‘Mr Poons thinks it does something to people, ‘ said Ludmilla.
‘Sets everyone’s teeth on edge?’ said Arthur.
Windle looked at the crowd. No-one was taking any notice of the Fresh Starters.
‘They look as though they’re waiting for something,’ said Doreen. ‘Vaiting, I mean.’
‘It’s scary, ‘ said Ludmilla.
‘Nothing wrong with scary,’ said Doreen.‘We’re scary.’
‘Mr Poons wants to go inside the heap,’ said Ludmilla.
‘Good idea. Get them to turn that damn music off,’ said Arthur.