Ridcully had never liked horses, animals which seemed to him to have only the weakest possible grip on sanity
As the unicorn charged, he vaulted the parapet and dropped, without much aerodynamic grace, into the icy waters of the Lancre.
The Librarian liked the stage. He was always in the front seat on the first night of a new production at any of Ankh’s theatres, his prehensile abilities allowing him to clap twice as hard as anyone else or, if necessary, hurl peanut shells.
And he was feeling let down. There were hardly any books in the castle, except for serious volumes on etiquette and animal breeding and estate management. As a rule, royalty doesn’t read much.
He wasn’t expecting to be amazed at the Entertainment. He’d peered behind the bit of sacking that was doing service as a dressing room, and seen half a dozen heavily built men arguing with one another. This did not bode well for an evening of thespianic splendor, although there was always the possibility that one of them might hit another one in the face with a custard pie.[33]
He had managed to get the three of them seats in the front row. This wasn’t according to the rules of precedence, but it was amazing how everyone squeezed up to make room. He’d also found some peanuts. No one ever knew how he managed that.
“Oook?”
“No, thank you,” said Ponder Stibbons. “They give me wind.”
“Oook?”
“I like to listen to a man who likes to talk! Whoops! Sawdust and treacle! Put that in your herring and smoke it!”
“I don’t think he wants one,” said Ponder.
The curtain went up, or at least was pulled aside by Carter the baker.
The Entertainment began.
The Librarian watched in deepening gloom. It was amazing. Normally he quite liked a badly acted play, provided enough confectionery stayed airborne, but these people weren’t even good at bad acting. Also, no one seemed to be on the point of throwing anything.
He fished a peanut out of the bag and rolled it in his fingers, while staring intently at the left ear of Tailor the other weaver.
And felt his hair rise. This is very noticeable on an orang-utan.
He glanced up at the hill behind the erratic actors, and growled under his breath.
“Oook?”
Ponder nudged him.
“Quiet!” he hissed. “They’re getting the hang of it. . .”
There was an echo to the voice of the one in the straw wig.
“What’d she say?” said Ponder.
“Oook!”
“How’d she do that? That’s good makeup, that-”
Ponder fell silent.
Suddenly the Librarian felt very alone.
Everyone else in the audience had their gaze fastened firmly on the turf stage.
He moved a hand up and down in front of Stibbons’s face.
The air was wavering over the hill, and the grass on its side moved in a way that made the ape’s eyes ache.
“Oook?”
Over the hill, between the little stones, it began to snow.
“Oook?”
Alone in her room, Magrat unpacked the wedding dress.
And that was another thing.
She ought to have been involved in the dress, at least. She was going to – would have been the one wearing it, after all. There should have been weeks of choosing the material, and fittings, and changing her mind, and changing the material, and changing the pattern, and more fittings . . .
. . . although of course she was her own woman and didn’t need that kind of thing at all. . .
. . . but she should have had the choice.
It was white silk, with a tasteful amount of lace. Magrat knew she wasn’t much up on the language of dressmaking. She knew what things were, she just didn’t know the names. All those ruches and pleats and gores and things.
She held the dress against her and gave it a critical examination.
There was a small mirror against the wall.
After a certain amount of internal tussling Magrat gave in and tried the dress on. It wasn’t as if she’d be wearing it tomorrow. If she never did try it on, she’d always wonder if it had fitted.
It fitted. Or, rather, it didn’t fit but in a flattering way. Whatever Verence had paid, it had been worth it. The dressmaker had done cunning things with the material, so that it went in where Magrat went straight up and down and billowed out where Magrat didn’t.
The veil had silk flowers on the headband.
I’m not going to start crying again, Magrat told herself. I’m going to stay angry. I’m going to wind up the anger until it’s thick enough to become rage, and when they come back I shall-
-what?
She could try being icy. She could sweep majestically past them . . . this was a good dress for that . . . and that’d teach them.
And then what? She couldn’t stay here, not with everyone knowing. And they’d find out. About the letter. News went around Lancre faster than turpentine through a sick donkey.
She’d have to go away. Perhaps find somewhere where there were no witches and start up again, although at the moment her feelings about witches were such that she’d prefer practically any other profession, insofar as there were other professions for an ex-witch.
Magrat stuck out her chin. The way she felt now, with the bile bubbling like a hot spring, she’d create a new profession. One that with any luck didn’t involve men and meddling old women.
And she’d keep that damn letter, just to remind her. All the time she’d wondered how Verence was able to have things arranged weeks before she got back, and it was as simple as this. How they must have laughed . . .
* * *
It occurred briefly to Nanny Ogg that she really should be somewhere else, but at her time of life invitations to intimate candlelit suppers were not a daily occurrence. There had to be a time when you stopped worrying about the rest of the world and cared a little for yourself. There had to be a time for a quiet, inner moment.
“This is damn good wine,” she said, picking up another bottle. “What did you say it’s called?” She peered at the label. “Chateau Maison? Chat-eau . . . that’s foreign for cat’s water, you know, but that’s only their way, I know it ain’t real cat’s water. Real cat’s water is sharper.” She hammered the cork into the bottle with the end of her knife, then stuck her finger over the neck and gave it a vigorous shaking “to mix the goodness in.”
“But I don’t hold with drinking it out of ladies’ boots,” she said. “I know it’s supposed to be the thing to do, but I can’t see what’s so wonderful about walking home with your boots full of wine. Ain’t you hungry? If you don’t want that bit of gristle, I’ll eat it. anymore of them lobsters? Never had lobster before. And that mayonnaise. And them little eggs stuffed with stuff. Mind you, that bramble jam tasted of fish, to my mind.”
“‘S caviar,” murmured Casanunda.
He was sitting with his chin on his hand, watching her in rapt infatuation.
He was, he was surprised to find, enjoying himself immensely while not horizontal.
He knew how this sort of dinner was supposed to go. It was one of the basic weapons in the seducer’s armoury. The amoratrix was plied with fine wines and expensive yet light dishes. There was much knowing eye contact across the table, and tangling of feet underneath it. There was much pointed eating of pears and bananas and so on. And thus the ship of temptation steered, gently yet inexorably, to a good docking.
And then there was Nanny Ogg.
Nanny Ogg appreciated fine wine in her very own way. It would never have occurred to Casanunda that anyone would top up white wine with port merely because she’d reached the end of the bottle.
As for the food . . . well, she enjoyed that, too. Casanunda had never seen that elbow action before. Show Nanny Ogg a good dinner and she went at it with knife, fork, and rammer. Watching her eat a lobster was a particular experience he would not forget in a hurry. They’d be picking bits of claw out of the woodwork for weeks.
And the asparagus . . . he might actually try to forget Nanny Ogg putting away asparagus, but he suspected the memory would come creeping back.
It must be a witch thing, he told himself. They’re always very clear about what they want. If you climbed cliffs and braved rivers and skied down mountains to bring a box of chocolates to Gytha Ogg, she’d have the nougat centres out of the bottom layer even before you got your crampons off. That’s it. Whatever a witch does, she does one hundred percent.