“I’m not one of them,” he said.
“But when you were in wolf form, you must have run into packs like this. Do you remember—”
“I was always alone,” he said.
Alone. The word was so rife with sadness, so sharp with familiarity. Even if the wolves saw him as a wolf like themselves, he was still outcast.
God, she knew how that felt. Suddenly it was urgent that she break through that wall in his memory, help him find something, something that could make him smile the way he’d smiled in the cafe when he remembered hamburgers. She stood up, brushing off her pants.
“Let’s walk, Kieran.”
He rose without a word. She chose the path this time, avoiding the wolf tracks, and he stayed by her side. It’s up to you, Alex.
“There’s something I’ve wanted to ask you,” she said.
He looked at her, a spark back in his eyes. “Ask.”
“What did it feel like, when you were in wolf form? What was it like being Shadow?”
His lips parted. A faint line creased his brow. “Sometimes…” He hesitated, as if remembering even as he spoke. “Sometimes it felt like… freedom. No worry, because tomorrow doesn’t exist. No fear, because death is only a part of life. Part of the balance. Everything fits together.”
She listened, rapt. His words were searching, uncertain, yet there was eloquence in their very simplicity.
“Is that what a wolf knows?”
“It was what I knew. For a time.”
What he had known, but no longer. Her heart suddenly felt very full. “Even though I’ve devoted my life to studying wolves, I could never be inside them, feel what they feel, know what they know. But you can.”
His gaze sought hers. “Do you find that an admirable thing, Alexandra?”
She almost laughed. “Admirable? It’s a miracle. To me, wolves are the perfect creatures.” She paused, wanting, anxious for him to understand. “It’s true they can be ferocious in defending their territory, but other wolves recognize the warning signals. They’re fundamentally honest. They seldom play games, and when they do everyone knows the rules. They deceive their prey, but almost never each other. And they’re absolutely devoted to their own. Their loyalty is legendary.”
“And they take only one mate,” Kieran put in. She blinked at the interruption. Kieran was studying her with a quizzical expression, one dark eyebrow raised.
“That’s somewhat more complex than we once believed,” she said, picking up the thread of her monologue. “But there are many cases where a mated pair are faithful solely to each other until one or the other dies. Wolves are phenomenal parents. The rest of the pack will often help care for the alpha’s pups…”
She trailed off, remembering those rare times she’d actually seen wolf families at rest or play. How she’d envied them that perfect sense of belonging, that trust, that unstinting devotion. Love, she’d called it, knowing such a word had no part in scientific detachment. And not giving a damn.
Because part of her had to keep believing that kind of unshakable love existed somewhere.
“I respect and admire wolves, Kieran,” she said at last, “but nature as a whole is clean and sensible. Balanced, as you put it.” She started walking again, hands clasped at her back. “The same can’t be said of people,” she muttered.
He caught up to her. “Why, Alexandra?”
She’d forgotten how acute his hearing was. You don’t know—after what happened when you were a boy, what you saw in the cafe? “It’s pretty obvious. Greed, hatred, arrogance, war, prejudice against anyone different, anything that can’t be understood. I could go on and on.”
Kieran stepped neatly in front of her, giving her just enough time to stop before she collided with him.
“Is that all there is to being human?”
She found herself inexplicably mute, with nowhere to look but Kieran’s eyes. He gazed at her as if she were all he could see, as if the rest of the world had vanished around them. “In two days I’ve seen… admirable things in people, Alexandra,” he said. “Julie—”
“Julie is an exception. She’s unusually—”
“Your own kindness,” he persisted.
Her legs felt a little shaky. She brushed the snow off an old stump and sat down. “I don’t think I’m particularly kind. It isn’t the first quality people would attribute to me.”