‘Josie!’ cried Grandpa Joe, rushing forward. ‘How marvellous! You’re back!’
‘I didn’t know I’d been away,’ she said.
Grandpa George had also made a successful comeback. ‘You were better-looking as a baby,’ Grandma Georgina said to him. ‘But I’m glad you’ve grown up again, George . . . for one reason.’
‘What’s that?’ asked Grandpa George.
‘You won’t wet the bed any more.’
20
How to Get Someone out of Bed
‘I am sure,’ said Mr Wonka, addressing Grandpa George, Grandma Georgina and Grandma Josephine, ‘I am quite sure the three of you, after all that, will now want to jump out of bed and lend a hand in running the Chocolate Factory.’
‘Who, us?’ said Grandma Josephine.
‘Yes, you,’ said Mr Wonka.
‘Are you crazy?’ said Grandma Georgina. ‘I’m staying right here where I am in this nice comfortable bed, thank you very much!’
‘Me, too!’ said Grandpa George.
At that moment, there was a sudden commotion among the Oompa-Loompas at the far end of the Chocolate Room. There was a buzz of excited chatter and a lot of running about and waving of arms, and out of all this a single Oompa-Loompa emerged and came rushing toward Mr Wonka, carrying a huge envelope in his hands. He came up close to Mr Wonka. He started whispering. Mr Wonka bent down low to listen.
‘Outside the factory gates?’ cried Mr Wonka. ‘Men! . . . What sort of men? . . . Yes, but do they look dangerous? . . . Are they ACTING dangerously? . . . And a what? . . . A HELICOPTER! . . . And these men came out of it? . . . They gave you this? . . .’
Mr Wonka grabbed the huge envelope and quickly slit it open and pulled out the folded letter inside. There was absolute silence as he skimmed swiftly over what was written on the paper. Nobody moved. Charlie began to feel cold. He knew something dreadful was going to happen. There was a very definite smell of danger in the air. The men outside the gates, the helicopter, the nervousness of the Oompa-Loompas . . . He was watching Mr Wonka’s face, searching for a clue, for some change in expression that would tell him how bad the news was.
‘Great whistling whangdoodles!’ cried Mr Wonka, leaping so high in the air that when he landed his legs gave way and he crashed on to his backside.
‘Snorting snozzwangers!’ he yelled, picking himself up and waving the letter about as though he were swatting mosquitoes. ‘Listen to this, all of you! Just you listen to this!’ He began to read aloud:
THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON
D.C.
TO MR WILLY WONKA.
SIR
TODAY THE ENTIRE NATION, INDEED THE WHOLE WORLD, IS REJOICING AT THE SAFE RETURN OF OUR TRANSPORT CAPSULE FROM SPACE WITH 136 SOULS ON BOARD. HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR THE HELP THEY RECEIVED FROM AN UNKNOWN SPACESHIP, THESE 136 PEOPLE WOULD NEVER HAVE COME BACK. IT HAS BEEN REPORTED TO ME THAT THE COURAGE SHOWN BY THE EIGHT ASTRONAUTS ABOARD THIS UNKNOWN SPACESHIP WAS EXTRAORDINARY. OUR RADAR STATIONS, BY TRACKING THIS SPACESHIP ON ITS RETURN TO EARTH, HAVE DISCOVERED THAT IT SPLASHED DOWN IN A PLACE KNOWN AS WONKA’S CHOCOLATE FACTORY. THAT, SIR, IS WHY THIS LETTER IS BEING DELIVERED TO YOU.
I WISH NOW TO SHOW THE GRATITUDE OF THE NATION BY INVITING ALL EIGHT OF THOSE INCREDIBLY BRAVE ASTRONAUTS TO COME AND STAY IN THE WHITE HOUSE FOR A FEW DAYS AS MY HONOURED GUESTS.
I AM ARRANGING A SPECIAL CELEBRATION PARTY IN THE BLUE ROOM THIS EVENING AT WHICH I MYSELF WILL PIN MEDALS FOR BRAVERY UPON ALL EIGHT OF THESE GALLANT FLIERS. THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSONS IN THE LAND WILL BE PRESENT AT THIS GATHERING TO SALUTE THE HEROES WHOSE DAZZLING DEEDS WILL BE WRITTEN FOR EVER IN THE HISTORY OF OUR NATION. AMONG THOSE ATTENDING WILL BE THE VICE-PRESIDENT (MISS ELVIRA TIBBS), ALL THE MEMBERS OF MY CABINET, THE CHIEFS OF THE ARMY, THE NAVY AND THE AIR FORCE, ALL MEMBERS OF THE CONGRESS. A FAMOUS SWORD-SWALLOWER FROM AFGHANISTAN WHO IS NOW TEACHING ME TO EAT MY WORDS (WHAT YOU DO IS YOU TAKE THE S OFF THE BEGINNING OF THE SWORD AND PUT IT ON THE END BEFORE YOU SWALLOW IT). AND WHO ELSE IS COMING? OH YES, MY CHIEF INTERPRETER, AND THE GOVERNORS OF EVERY STATE IN THE UNION, AND OF COURSE MY CAT, MRS TAUBSYPUSS.