raphy doesn’t change but the man does. They’re not helping men like me any
longer-wel], may~-be they are-but its more than usl They’re reaching
out-they’re attracting people-for a great deal of moneyl …
August 2o, zg6o. Now they’re threatening me. They say IT have no more once
my cabinees empty…. I don’t carel I’ve enough for a week -with luck-a
week and a half. . . . I wish I liked alcohol more, or that it didet make
me sick. . . .
August 28, zg6o. I shook to my ankles but I went to the Carlyle Police
Station. I wasn’t thinking. I asked to speak with the highest man in au-
thority and they said it was after five o’clockhe had gone home. So I said
I had information about narcotics and within ten minutes the chief of
police showed up…. By now I was obviousI couldn’t control myself-I
urinated through my trousers. The chief of police took me into a small room
and opened his kit and administered a needle. He was from Nimrodl …
October 7, z965. This Nimrod is displeased
18 Robert Ludluin
with me. rve always gotten along with the Nrimrods-the two I’ve met, but
this one is sterner, more concerned with my accomplishments. I refuse to
touch students, he accepts that but he says I am getting silly in my
classroom lectures, I’m not bearing down. He doesn1 care that I don’t
solicit-he doeset want me to–but he tells me that I should be-well, be more
conservative in my outloolL … les strange. His name is Matthew Orton and
he!s an insignificant aide to the lieutenant governor in Hartford. But hes
Nimrod. And rU obey….
November 14, z967. The back is intolerable now-the doctors said it would
disintegrate-that was their word-but not like thist I can get through
forty minutes of a lecture and then I must excuse myselfl … I ask
always-is it worth it? … It must be or I wouldn’t go on… Or am I
simply too great an egoist—or too much a coward-to take my life? …
Nimrod sees me tonight In a week its Thanksgiving-1 wonder where I will
go….
January 27, zg7o. It has to be the end now. In C. Fry’s beautiful words,
the “seraphic strawberry, beaming in its bed7 must turn and show its
nettles. There!s nothing more for me and Nimrod has infected too many, too
completely. I will take my life.-as painlessly as possible-ther6’s been so
much pain….
January 28, zg7o. I’ve tried to kill myself! I caet do itl I bring the
gun, then the knife to the point but it will not happen! Am I really so
infused, so infected that I cannot accomplish that which is most to be
desired? . . . Nimrod will lall me. I know that and he knows it better.
TJBE MATLOCK PAPM 329
January 29, zg7o. Nimrod-he!s now Arthur Latonal Unbelievablet The same
Arthur Latona who built the middle-income housing projects In Mount
Hollyl-At any rate, hes given me an unacceptable order. I’ve told him it’s
unacceptable. rm far too valuable to be discarded and rve told him that,
too…. He wants me to carry a great deal of money to Toros Daglari in
Turkeyl … Why, oh why, caet my life be endedP …
April z8, iq7i. les a wondrously strange world. To survive, to exist and
breathe the air, one does so much one comes to loathe. The total is fright-
ening … the excuses and the rationalizations are worse …. Then
something happens which suspends–or at least postpones-all necessity of
judgment … The pains shifted from the neck and spine to the lower sides.
I knew it had to be something else. Something more…. I went to Nimro&s
doctor-as I must-always. My weight has dropped, my reflexes are pathetic.
He!s worried and tomorrow I enter the private hospital in Southbury. He
says for an exploratory. . . . I Imow they’ll do their best for me. They
have other trips-very important trips, Nimrod says. 1711 be traveling
throughout most of the summer, he tells me. . . . If it waset me, it would
be someone else. The pains are terrible.
May 22, 1971. The old, tired soldier is home. Herroes Nest is my salvationl
I’m minus a Iddney. No telling yet about the other, the doctor says. But I
Imow better. rm dying… Oh, God, I welcome itl There’ll be no more trips,
no more threats. Nimrod can do no more. . . . They’ll keep me alive, too.
As long as they can. They have to notol … I hinted to the doctor that rve
3w Robert Ludlum
kept a record over the years. He just stared at me speechless. Ive never
seen a man so frightened….
May 23, 197z. Latona-Nimrod–dropped by
this morning. Before he could discuss anything,
I told him I knew I was dying. That nothing
mattered to me now-the decision to end my life
was made, not by me. I even told him that I was
prepared-relieved; that I had tried to end it mys
self but couldn7t. He asked about “what you told
the doctor~” He wasn’t able to say the wordst
His fear blanketed the living room like a heavy
mist. … I answered calmly, with great author
ity, I tbir& I told him that whatever records
there were would be given to him — if my last
days or months were made easier for me. He was
furious but he knew there wasn’t anything he
could do. What can a person do with an old -an
in pain who knows he’s going to die? What argu
ments are left?
AugUst 24, 197-1. Nimrod is deadl Latona died of a coronaryl Before me,
and there!s irony in thatt . . . Still the business continues without
change. Still I’m brought my supplies every week and every week the
frightened messengers ask the questions-where are they? Where are the
records?-they come close to threatening me but I remind them that Nimrod
had the word of a dying old man. Why would I change that? . . . They
retreat into their fear…. A new Nimrod will be chosen soon…. I’ve
said I didift want to know-and I don’d
September 2o, 1971. A new year begins for Carlyle. My last year, I know
that-what respon-
THE MATLOCK PAPER 321
sibilities I can assume, that is…. Nimrod’s death has given me courage. Or
is it the knowledge of my own? God knows I can1 undo much but I can tryl …
rm reaching out, I’m finding a few who’ve been hurt badly, and if nothing
else I offer help. It may only be words, or advice, but just the knowledge
that rve been there seems to be comforting. It!s always such a shock to
those I speak withl Imaginel The “grand old bird”I The pains and the
numbness are nearly intolerable. I may not be able to wait…
December 23, 197-1. Two days before my last Christmas. rve said to so many
whove asked me to their homes that I was going into New York. Of course, Ws
not so. I’ll spend the days here at the Nest… A disturbing note. The
messengers tell me that the new Nimrod is the sternes% strongest one of
all. They say he’s ruthless. He orders executions as easily as his
predecessors issued simple requests. Or are they telling me these things to
frighten me? That can’t frighten mel
February z8, z972. The doctor told me that he’d prescribe heavier
“medication7 but warned me not to overdose. He, too, spoke of the new
Nimrod. Even hes worried-he implied that the man was mad. I told him I
di(Wt want to know anything. I was out of it.
February .26, z972. I caet believe itt Nimrod is a monsterl He’s got to be
insanel He’s demanded that all those who!ve been worldng here over three
years be cut off-sent out of the country-and if they,refuse-be killedl The
doctojes leaving next week. Wife, family, practice. . . . Latonds widow was
murdered in an “automo-
322 Robert Ludlum
bile accidenel One of the messengers.-Pollizzi -was shot to death in New
Haven. AnotherCapalbo-OUd and the rumor is that the dose was administeredl
April 5, 1972. From Nimrod to me-deliver to the messengers any and all
records or hell shut off my supplies. My house will be watched around the
clock. I’ll be followed wherever I go. IT not be allowed to get any
medical attention whatsoever. The combined effects of the cancer and the
withdrawal will be beyond anything I can imagine. What Nimrod doeset know
is that before he left the doctor gave me enough for several months. He
frankly didn’t believe I’d lost that long…. For the first time in this
terrible, horrible life, I’m dealing from a position of strength. My life
is firmer than ever because of death.
April zo, 1972. Nimrod is near the point of hysterics with me. Hes