The silence stretched long between us. Jonqui was busy in, a corner of the room, concocting yet another herbal draft that would do nothing for me. Burrich stood over me, black and towering as a thundercloud. I knew how badly he wanted to shake me, how he longed to cuff the stubbornness from me. But he did not. Burrich did not hit cripples.
“So,” he said at last. “That leaves only your king. Or do you forget you are sworn as a King’s Man?”
“I do not forget,” I said quietly. “And did I believe myself a man still, I would go back. But I am not, Burrich. I am a liability. On the game board, I have become but one of those tokens that must be protected. A hostage for the taking, powerless to defend myself or anyone else. No. The last act I can make as a King’s Man is to remove myself, before someone else does and injures my king in the doing.”
Burrich turned aside from me. He was a silhouette in the dim room, his face unreadable by the firelight. “Tomorrow we will talk,” he began.,
“Only to say farewell,” I interrupted. “My heart is firm on this, Burrich.” I reached up to touch the earring in my ear.
“If you stay, then so must I.” There was a fierceness in his low voice.
“That isn’t how it works,” I told him. “Once, my father told you to stay behind, and raise a bastard for him. Now I tell you to leave, to go to serve a King who still needs you.”
“FitzChivalry, I don’t-”
“Please.” I don’t know what he heard in my voice. Only that he was suddenly still. “I am so tired. So damnably tired. The only thing I know is that I can’t live up to what everyone else thinks I should do. I just can’t do it.” My voice quavered like an old man’s. “No matter what I ought to do. No matter what I am pledged to do. There isn’t enough of me left to keep my word. Maybe that’s not right, but that’s how it is. Everyone else’s plans. Everyone else’s goals. Never mine. I tried, but …” The room rocked around me as if someone else were speaking, and I was shocked at what he was saying. But I couldn’t deny the truth of his words. “I need to be alone now. To rest,” I said simply.