“Did you succeed?” the Fool asked quietly.
I stopped rocking. I swear that for an instant I had no idea what he was talking about. “Yes,” I said quietly. “Yes, I think I did.” I had succeeded at losing Molly, too. Succeeded at wearing away her loyalty and her love, taking her for granted, succeeded at being so logical and practical and loyal to my king that I had just lost any chance of ever having a life of my own. I looked at Burrich. “Did you love Patience?” I asked suddenly. “When you decided to leave?”
The Fool started, then visibly goggled. So there were some secrets even he did not know. Burrich’s face went as dark as I had ever seen it. He crossed his arms on his chest, as if to restrain himself. He might kill me, I thought. Or maybe he sought only to hold some pain inside himself. “Please,” I added, “I have to know.”
He glared at me, then spoke carefully. “I am not a changeable man,” he told me. “If I had loved her, I would love her still.”
So. It would never go away. “But, still, you decided-”
“Someone had to decide. Patience would not see it could not be. Someone had to end the torment for us both.”
As Molly had decided for us. I tried to think just what I should do next. Nothing came to me. I looked at the Fool. “Are you all right?” I asked him.
“I’m better off than you are,” he replied sincerely.
“I meant, your shoulder. I had thought …”
“Wrenched, but not broken. Much better than your heart.”
A quick bantering of witty words. I had not known he could weight a jest with so much sympathy. The kindness pushed me to the edge of breaking. “I don’t know what to do,” I said brokenly. “How can I live with this?”