“I know,” I admitted to her silence. I knew the type of Hedge wizard she meant. I’d seen the dance of colored lights across a woman’s close-eyed face. Right now I only wished I could see Molly clearly. I thought if I could meet her eyes, I could make her see the truth inside me. I wished I dared stand, to go to her and try to hold her again. But she thought me drunk, and I knew I’d fall. I would not shame myself in front of her again.
“A lot of the other girls and women were getting their fortunes told. But I didn’t have a penny, so I could only watch. But after a bit the old man noticed me. I guess he thought I was shy. He asked me if I didn’t want to know my fortune. And I started crying, because I did, but I didn’t have a penny. Then Brinna the fishwife laughed, and said there was no need for me to pay to know it. Everyone knew my future already. I was the daughter of a drunk, I’d be the wife of a drunk, and the mother of drunks.” She whispered, “Everyone started laughing. Even the old man.”
“Molly,” I said. I don’t think she even heard me.
“I still don’t have a penny,” she said slowly. “But at least I know I won’t be the wife of a drunk. I don’t think I even want to be friends with one.”
“You have to listen to me. You’re not being fair!” My traitorous tongue slurred my words. “I-”
The door slammed.
“-didn’t know you liked me that way,” I said stupidly to the cold and empty room.
The shaking overtook me in earnest. But I wasn’t going to lose her that easily again. I rose and managed two strides before the floor rocked beneath me and I went to my knees. I remained there a bit, head hanging like a dog. I didn’t think she’d be impressed if I crawled after her. She’d probably kick me. If I could even find her. I crawled back to my bed instead, and clambered back onto it. I didn’t undress, but just dragged the edge of my blanket over me. My vision dimmed, closing in black from the edges, but I didn’t sleep right away. Instead, I lay there and thought what a stupid boy I had been last summer. I had courted a woman, thinking that I was walking out with a girl. Those three years difference in age had mattered so much to me, but in all the wrong ways. I had thought she had seen me as a boy, and despaired of winning her. So I had acted like a boy, instead of trying to make her see me as a man. And the boy had hurt her, and yes, deceived her, and in all likelihood, lost her forever. The dark closed down, blackness everywhere but for one whirling spark.