The first magnum had been discussed in solemn silence; the cloud, however, which hung over the conclave, disappeared under the genial influence of “another and a better” bottle, and gave place to a denser vapour, occasioned by the introduction of the pipe and its accompaniments.
Ensconced in a comfortable old chair (it is not every old chair that is comfortable), with pipe in mouth, and in full unbuttoned ease, his bushy cauliflower wig laid aside, by reason of the heat, reposed Dr. Small. Small, indeed, was somewhat of a misnomer, as applied to the worthy doctor, who, besides being no diminutive specimen of his kind, entertained no insignificant opinion of himself. His height was certainly not remarkable; but his width of shoulder—his sesquipedality of stomach—and obesity of calf—these were unique! Of his origin we know nothing; but presume he must, in some way or other, have been connected with the numerous family of “the Smalls,” who, according to Christopher North, form the predominant portion of mankind.
In appearance, the doctor was short-necked and puffy, with a sodden, pasty face, wherein were set eyes, whose obliquity of vision was, in some measure, redeemed by their expression of humour. He was accounted a man of parts and erudition, and had obtained high honours at his university. Rigidly orthodox, he abominated the very names of Papists and Jacobite; amongst which heretical herd he classed his companion, Dr. Titus Tyrconnel—Ireland being with him synonymous with superstition and Catholicism—and every Irishman rebellious and schismatical. On this head he was inclined to be disputatious. His prejudices did not prevent him from passing the claret, nor from laughing as heartily as a plethoric asthma and sense of the decorum due to the occasion would permit, at the quips and quirks of the Irishman, who, he admitted, notwithstanding his heresies, was a pleasant fellow in the main. And when, in addition to the flattery, a pipe had been insinuated by the officious Titus, at the precise moment that Small yearned for his afternoon’s solace, yet scrupled to ask for it; when the door had been made fast, and the first whiff exhaled, all his misgivings vanished, and he surrendered himself to the soft seduction. In this elysian state we find him.
“Ah! you may say that, Dr. Small,” said Titus, in answer to some observation of the vicar, “that’s a most original apophthegm. We all of us hould our lives by a third. Och! many’s the sudden finale I have seen. Many’s the fine fellow’s heels tripped up unawares, when least expected. Death hangs over our heads by a single hair, as your reverence says, precisely like the sword of Dan Maclise,1 the flatterer of Dinnish what-do-you-call-him, ready to fall at a moment’s notice, or no notice at all—eh?—Mr. Coates. And that brings me back again to Sir Piers—poor gentleman—ah! we shan’t soon see the like of him again!”
“Poor Sir Piers!” said Mr. Coates, a small man, in a scratch wig, with a face red and round as an apple, and almost as diminutive. “It is to be regretted that his over conviviality should so much have hastened his lamented demise.”
“Conviviality!” replied Titus; “no such thing—it was apoplexy—extravasation of sarum.”
“Extra vase-ation of rum-and-water, you mean,” replied Coates, who, like all his tribe, rejoiced in a quibble.
“The squire’s ailment,” continued Titus, “was a sanguineous effusion, as we call it—positive determination of blood to the head, occasioned by a low way he got into, just before his attack—a confirmed case of hypochondriasis, as that ould book Sir Piers was so fond of terms the blue devils. He neglected the bottle, which, in a man who has been a hard drinker all his life, is a bad sign. The lowering system never answers—never. Doctor, I’ll just trouble you”—for Small, in a fit of absence, had omitted to pass the bottle, though not to help himself. “Had he stuck to this”—holding up a glass ruby bright—”the elixir vitæ—the grand panacea—he might have been hale and hearty at this present moment, and as well as any of us. But he wouldn’t be advised. To my thinking, as that was the case, he’d have been all the better for a little of your reverence’s sperretual advice; and his conscience having been relieved, by confession and absolution, he might have opened a fresh account with an aisy heart and clane breast.”