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If the violence of her passions, the weakness of her understanding–I do not mean, however, to defend myself.
Her affection for me deserved better treatment, and I often, with great self-reproach, recall the tenderness which, for a very short time, had the power of creating any return.
I wish–I heartily wish it had never been. But I have injured more than herself; and I have injured one, whose affection for me–(may I say it?) was scarcely less warm than hers; and whose mind–Oh! how infinitely superior!”–
“Your indifference, however, towards that unfortunate girl–I must say it, unpleasant to me as the discussion of such a subject may well be–your indifference is no apology for your cruel neglect of her. Do not think yourself excused by any weakness, any natural defect of understanding on her side, in the wanton cruelty so evident on yours.
You must have known, that while you were enjoying yourself in Devonshire pursuing fresh schemes, always gay, always happy, she was reduced to the extremest indigence.”
“But, upon my soul, I did NOT know it,” he warmly replied; “I did not recollect that I had omitted to give her my direction; and common sense might have told her how to find it out.”
“Well, sir, and what said Mrs. Smith?”
“She taxed me with the offence at once, and my confusion may be guessed. The purity of her life, the formality of her notions, her ignorance of the world–every thing was against me. The matter itself I could not deny, and vain was every endeavour to soften it. She was previously disposed, I believe, to doubt the morality of my conduct in general, and was moreover discontented with the very little attention, the very little portion of my time that I had bestowed on her, in my present visit.
In short, it ended in a total breach. By one measure I might have saved myself. In the height of her morality, good woman! she offered to forgive the past, if I would marry Eliza. That could not be–and I was formally dismissed from her favour and her house. The night following this affair–I was to go the next morning–
was spent by me in deliberating on what my future conduct should be. The struggle was great–but it ended too soon.
My affection for Marianne, my thorough conviction of her attachment to me–it was all insufficient to outweigh that dread of poverty, or get the better of those false ideas of the necessity of riches, which I was naturally inclined to feel, and expensive society had increased.
I had reason to believe myself secure of my present wife, if I chose to address her, and I persuaded myself to think that nothing else in common prudence remained for me to do.
A heavy scene however awaited me, before I could leave Devonshire;–I was engaged to dine with you on that very day; some apology was therefore necessary for my breaking this engagement. But whether I should write this apology, or deliver it in person, was a point of long debate.
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To see Marianne, I felt, would be dreadful, and I even doubted whether I could see her again, and keep to my resolution.
In that point, however, I undervalued my own magnanimity, as the event declared; for I went, I saw her, and saw her miserable, and left her miserable–and left her hoping never to see her again.”
“Why did you call, Mr. Willoughby?” said Elinor, reproachfully; “a note would have answered every purpose.–
Why was it necessary to call?”
“It was necessary to my own pride. I could not bear to leave the country in a manner that might lead you, or the rest of the neighbourhood, to suspect any part of what had really passed between Mrs. Smith and myself–
and I resolved therefore on calling at the cottage, in my way to Honiton. The sight of your dear sister, however, was really dreadful; and, to heighten the matter, I found her alone. You were all gone I do not know where.
I had left her only the evening before, so fully, so firmly resolved within my self on doing right!