Three months later, Jeff watched as Dr. Elena Dragova signed his release papers.
“We’ll miss you,” Dr. Dragova told him.
“I’ll miss you too. Especially Sister Katia. You will give her my love?”
The surgeon laughed. “You’re incorrigible. Where will you go? I hope you have someone prepared to take care of you. Or at least to put up with you.”
“I’m going to stay with a friend,” said Jeff. “It turns out we have some unfinished business.”
CHAPTER 30
WE NEED TO TALK, TRACY.”
Jeff gently removed the chopping board from Tracy’s hands and put it to one side.
Tracy sighed. “There’s nothing to say.”
“Oh yes there is. There’s everything to say. We’ve both been too scared to say it, that’s all.”
He was right. Jeff had been staying at the ranch for five days now. Five incredible, precious, magical days. Tracy had introduced him to Nick as an “old friend” from college days and promised dear, patient Blake that she would explain later. It had been wonderful to have Jeff here, and even more wonderful to see how well he got along with Nick. Nick admired and respected Blake Carter. More than that, he loved him. But he shared a sense of humor with Jeff, not to mention a pronounced rebellious streak. The two of them had bonded instantly, giggling away at risqué cartoons like Family Guy like a pair of naughty kids.
The problem was that having “Uncle Jeff” as a houseguest had almost been too easy. It felt so natural and comfortable that neither Tracy nor Jeff had dared to talk about the past, or their feelings. Or, worst of all, the future. Instead they had immersed themselves in the joy of the present, neither one able to let it go and break the spell.
Jeff followed Tracy’s gaze through the window. Nicholas was jumping up onto Blake Carter’s back, trying to knock his Stetson off his head. His blond hair was blowing in the wind and his eyes had crinkled up into tiny slits thanks to the huge smile he was wearing.
Jeff said quietly, “He’s mine, isn’t he?”
Tracy nodded. “Of course he’s yours. There’s never been anyone else.”
“What about Blake?”
She shook her head.
“He obviously loves you, Tracy.”
“I love him too. Just not enough.”
Jeff took her face in his hands, forcing her to look at him. “Tracy, I love you. I always have and I always will. Can’t we try again?”
“Please, Jeff. Don’t.” She started to cry.
“But why not? I know you still love me too.”
“Of course I do!”
“So why . . . ?”
“You know why.” Tracy broke away from him. “Because love isn’t enough. Look at him.” She pointed outside at Nicholas. “Look how happy he is. How stable and secure. I did that. I made that happen. I built a life for him here, Jeff, a life for us, away from all the madness, all the chaos.”
“Yes, you did. And you did an amazing job. But at what cost, Tracy?” Reaching out, Jeff stroked her cheek. Tracy closed her eyes, inhaling the scent of his skin, the agony and the ecstasy. “What about you? Who you are, what you want? You can’t be a housewife, for God’s sake. You tried it with me and you hated it. You were bored out of your mind, dying a slow death. Can you really tell me you aren’t dying inside, living up here?”
“Sometimes I am,” Tracy was surprised to find herself saying. “Part of me does miss the thrill of our old life, I admit it. But Nicholas comes first. He’s the one totally good thing in my life, Jeff. The one thing I haven’t failed at, I can’t fail at. My mom sacrificed everything for me. She was a wonderful woman.”
“She must have been,” said Jeff. “To have such a perfect daughter.”
Tracy laughed. “Oh no. Not perfect. Very far from perfect.”
“Perfect,” said Jeff. Pulling Tracy close, he kissed her, slowly and with infinite tenderness. It was a kiss they would both remember for the rest of their lives. Neither of them wanted it to end.
“What if I said I’d give it all up for you?” Jeff pleaded, once Tracy finally pulled away. “For us? What if I swore to give up the scams and the capers for good. I did it once. I could do it again.”
Tracy shook her head sadly. “Maybe you could. But then a part of you would die. And I won’t be responsible for that, Jeff. I won’t be the reason.”
“But, Tracy. My darling, you are the reason. You’re the reason for everything. I—”
Tracy put a finger to his lips. “I love you, Jeff. I’ll always love you. But we had our chance at happiness. We had it a long time ago. Now our son has a chance. He has a chance of living a normal, happy life. Don’t deny him that.”
Jeff fell silent. Was she right? Had their time simply passed?
He didn’t know. All he knew was that he felt immensely sad.
Eventually he asked Tracy, “Are you going to tell him the truth? About me?”
Tracy inhaled deeply. “No. I can’t stop you telling him, if you feel you have to. But Blake’s been a wonderful dad to him since the day he was born.”
“I can see that,” said Jeff.
“I don’t want him to lose that.”
“No.” Jeff swallowed hard. “Nor do I.”
At that moment the back door flew open and Nicholas sailed in.
“I’m starving. What’s for lunch? Oh, hi, Uncle Jeff. Do you want to play Super Smash Bros. with me after lunch? Blake hates the Wii.”
“Sure do,” said Blake, hanging up his battered hat. “Rots your brain.”
“And Mom’s useless.”
“Hey!” said Tracy, forcing a smile. “I resent that.”
“I don’t mind beating you at Smash Bros. after lunch,” said Jeff. “As long as you don’t cry about it.”
“Ha!” Nicholas scoffed. “You’ll be the one crying. Beat me, as if!”
“But it’ll have to be our last game for a while, sport. I’m leaving in the morning.”
Tracy, Blake and Nicholas all froze. Nicholas looked stricken.
“Leaving? Why? I thought you were staying till Halloween at least?”
“Something came up,” said Jeff, as casually as he could. “Couldn’t be helped, I’m afraid.”
“What came up?”
“Work. It’s been a great vacation, buddy, but all vacations have to come to an end.”
“Hmm.” Nicholas sounded distinctly unimpressed by this logic. “What is your work anyway, Uncle Jeff?” he asked. “What do you do?”
“Er . . .” Flustered, Jeff looked at Tracy. “I . . . well, I, er . . .”
“Uncle Jeff’s in the antiques business,” Tracy said firmly, not missing a beat. “Now go wash up for lunch.”
THE NEXT MORNING TRACY woke early, long before dawn. She’d had terrible dreams.
She was drowning, sinking, gasping for breath as huge waves crashed over her and powerful currents pulled her deeper and deeper into the black icy depths. She could hear Jeff screaming. “I’m here, Tracy! I’m here! Take my hand!” But when she reached out for him he was gone.
She made herself some coffee and sat downstairs alone, waiting for the sun to rise. She’d felt so peaceful here once, so contented. In this kitchen, this house, this little town in the mountains. Just her and her son and Blake. She’d buried the past. Not just Jeff Stevens, but herself too, the person who she used to be. She’d laid them to rest and mourned them and she’d moved on. At least that’s what she’d told herself all these years.
What a fool I was! Tracy knew now that the past could never be buried. It was a part of her, the same way that her eyes and skin and heartbeat were a part of her. Jeff was a part of her, and not only because of Nick.
She wondered if she would ever feel contented again. Or was she destined always to live a half-life? To choose one version of herself and sacrifice the others, forever?
Jeff left after breakfast. He came down packed and smiling, making light of his departure, for Nicholas’s sake. There were no lingering good-byes. He and Tracy had agreed on that last night. Instead they kissed each other on the cheek and hugged, like the old friends they were.
“Take care of him,” Jeff said gruffly. “Take care of yourself.”
Then he climbed into his rented station wagon and drove away.
Nicholas stood on the porch, hand in hand with his mother, watching Jeff’s car until it disappeared out of sight.
“I love Uncle Jeff.” He sighed. “He’s so fun. We will see him again, won’t we, Mom?”
Tracy squeezed her son’s hand tightly.
“I expect so, my darling. You never really know what tomorrow might bring.”