Sketches New and Old by Mark Twain

method of fighting the Indians on the Plains. I said he fought too

scattering. He ought to get the Indians more together–get them together

in some convenient place, where he could have provisions enough for both

parties, and then have a general massacre. I said there was nothing so

convincing to an Indian as a general massacre. If he could not approve

of the massacre, I said the next surest thing for an Indian was soap and

education. Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they

are more deadly in the long run; because a half-massacred Indian may

recover, but if you educate him and wash him, it is bound to finish him

some time or other. It undermines his constitution; it strikes at the

foundation of his being. “Sir,” I said, “the time has come when blood-

curdling cruelty has become necessary. Inflict soap and a spelling-book

on every Indian that ravages the Plains, and let them die!”

The Secretary of War asked me if I was a member of the Cabinet, and I

said I was. He inquired what position I held, and I said I was clerk of

the Senate Committee on Conchology. I was then ordered under arrest for

contempt of court, and restrained of my liberty for the best part of the

day.

I almost resolved to be silent thenceforward, and let the Government get

along the best way it could. But duty called, and I obeyed. I called on

the Secretary of the Treasury. He said:

“What will you have?”

The question threw me off my guard. I said, “Rum punch.”

He said: “If you have got any business here, sir, state it–and in as few

words as possible.”

I then said that I was sorry he had seen fit to change the subject so

abruptly, because such conduct was very offensive to me; but under the

circumstances I would overlook the matter and come to the point. I now

went into an earnest expostulation with him upon the extravagant length

of his report. I said it was expensive, unnecessary, and awkwardly

constructed; there were no descriptive passages in it, no poetry, no

sentiment no heroes, no plot, no pictures–not even wood-cuts. Nobody

would read it, that was a clear case. I urged him not to ruin his

reputation by getting out a thing like that. If he ever hoped to succeed

in literature he must throw more variety into his writings. He must

beware of dry detail. I said that the main popularity of the almanac was

derived from its poetry and conundrums, and that a few conundrums

distributed around through his Treasury report would help the sale of it

more than all the internal revenue he could put into it. I said these

things in the kindest spirit, and yet the Secretary of the Treasury fell

into a violent passion. He even said I was an ass. He abused me in the

most vindictive manner, and said that if I came there again meddling with

his business he would throw me out of the window. I said I would take my

hat and go, if I could not be treated with the respect due to my office,

and I did go. It was just like a new author. They always think they

know more than anybody else when they are getting out their first book.

Nobody can tell them anything.

During the whole time that I was connected with the government it seemed

as if I could not do anything in an official capacity without getting

myself into trouble. And yet I did nothing, attempted nothing, but what

I conceived to be for the good of my country. The sting of my wrongs may

have driven me to unjust and harmful conclusions, but it surely seemed to

me that the Secretary of State, the Secretary of War, the Secretary of

the Treasury, and others of my confreres had conspired from the very

beginning to drive me from the Administration. I never attended but one

Cabinet meeting while I was connected with the government. That was

sufficient for me. The servant at the White House door did not seem

disposed to make way for me until I asked if the other members of the

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