Sketches New and Old by Mark Twain

carn’t have yo’ nigger.'”

THE FACTS IN THE CASE OF THE GREAT BEEF CONTRACT –[Written about 1867.]

In as few words as possible I wish to lay before the nation what’s here,

howsoever small, I have had in this matter–this matter which has so

exercised the public mind, engendered so much ill-feeling, and so filled

the newspapers of both continents with distorted statements and

extravagant comments.

The origin of this distressful thing was this–and I assert here that

every fact in the following resume can be amply proved by the official

records of the General Government.

John Wilson Mackenzie, of Rotterdam, Chemung County, New Jersey,

deceased, contracted with the General Government, on or about the 10th

day of October, 1861, to furnish to General Sherman the sum total of

thirty barrels of beef.

Very well.

He started after Sherman with the beef, but when he got to Washington

Sherman had gone to Manassas; so he took the beef and followed him there,

but arrived too late; he followed him to Nashville, and from Nashville to

Chattanooga, and from Chattanooga to Atlanta–but he never could overtake

him. At Atlanta he took a fresh start and followed him clear through his

march to the sea. He arrived too late again by a few days; but hearing

that Sherman was going out in the Quaker City excursion to the Holy Land,

he took shipping for Beirut, calculating to head off the other vessel.

When he arrived in Jerusalem with his beef, he learned that Sherman had

not sailed in the Quaker City, but had gone to the Plains to fight the

Indians. He returned to America and started for the Rocky Mountains.

After sixty-eight days of arduous travel on the Plains, and when he had

got within four miles of Sherman’s headquarters, he was tomahawked and

scalped, and the Indians got the beef. They got all of it but one

barrel. Sherman’s army captured that, and so, even in death, the bold

navigator partly fulfilled his contract. In his will, which he had kept

like a journal, he bequeathed the contract to his son Bartholomew W.

Bartholomew W. made out the following bill, and then died:

THE UNITED STATES

In account with JOHN WILSON MACKENZIE, of New Jersey,

deceased, . . . . . . . . . . Dr.

To thirty barrels of beef for General Sherman, at $100, $3,000

To traveling expenses and transportation . . . . . 14,000

Total . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $17,000

Rec’d Pay’t.

He died then; but he left the contract to Wm. J. Martin, who tried to

collect it, but died before he got through. He left it to Barker J.

Allen, and he tried to collect it also. He did not survive. Barker J.

Allen left it to Anson G. Rogers, who attempted to collect it, and got

along as far as the Ninth Auditor’s Office, when Death, the great

Leveler, came all unsummoned, and foreclosed on him also. He left the

bill to a relative of his in Connecticut, Vengeance Hopkins by name, who

lasted four weeks and two days, and made the best time on record, coming

within one of reaching the Twelfth Auditor. In his will he gave the

contract bill to his uncle, by the name of O-be-joyful Johnson. It was

too undermining for joyful. His last words were: “Weep not for me–I am

willing to go.” And so he was, poor soul. Seven people inherited the

contract after that; but they all died. So it came into my hands at

last. It fell to me through a relative by the name of, Hubbard–

Bethlehem Hubbard, of Indiana. He had had a grudge against me for a long

time; but in his last moments he sent for me, and forgave me everything,

and, weeping, gave me the beef contract.

This ends the history of it up to the time that I succeeded to the

property. I will now endeavor to set myself straight before the nation

in everything that concerns my share in the matter. I took this beef

contract, and the bill for mileage and transportation, to the President

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