Sketches New and Old by Mark Twain

great and noble of his species, but of commemorating them! Fellow-

scholars, this stately Mound is not a sepulcher, it is a monument!”

A profound impression was produced by this.

But it was interrupted by rude and derisive laughter–and the Tumble-Bug

appeared.

“A monument!” quoth he. “A monument setup by a Mound Builder! Aye, so

it is! So it is, indeed, to the shrewd keen eye of science; but to an,

ignorant poor devil who has never seen a college, it is not a Monument,

strictly speaking, but is yet a most rich and noble property; and with

your worship’s good permission I will proceed to manufacture it into

spheres of exceedings grace and–”

The Tumble-Bug was driven away with stripes, and the draftsmen of the

expedition were set to making views of the Monument from different

standpoints, while Professor Woodlouse, in a frenzy of scientific zeal,

traveled all over it and all around it hoping to find an inscription.

But if there had ever been one, it had decayed or been removed by some

vandal as a relic.

The views having been completed, it was now considered safe to load the

precious Monument itself upon the backs of four of the largest Tortoises

and send it home to the king’s museum, which was done; and when it

arrived it was received with enormous Mat and escorted to its future

abiding-place by thousands of enthusiastic citizens, King Bullfrog XVI.

himself attending and condescending to sit enthroned upon it throughout

the progress.

The growing rigor of the weather was now admonishing the scientists to

close their labors for the present, so they made preparations to journey

homeward. But even their last day among the Caverns bore fruit; for one

of the scholars found in an out-of-the-way corner of the Museum or

“Burial Place” a most strange and extraordinary thing. It was nothing

less than a double Man-Bird lashed together breast to breast by a natural

ligament, and labeled with the untranslatable words, “Siamese Twins.”

The official report concerning this thing closed thus:

“Wherefore it appears that there were in old times two distinct species

of this majestic fowl, the one being single and the other double. Nature

has a reason for all things. It is plain to the eye of science that the

Double-Man originally inhabited a region where dangers abounded; hence he

was paired together to the end that while one part slept the other might

watch; and likewise that, danger being discovered, there might always be

a double instead of a single power to oppose it. All honor to the

mystery-dispelling eye of godlike Science!”

And near the Double Man-Bird was found what was plainly an ancient record

of his, marked upon numberless sheets of a thin white substance and bound

together. Almost the first glance that Professor Woodlouse threw into it

revealed this following sentence, which he instantly translated and laid

before the scientists, in a tremble, and it uplifted every soul there

with exultation and astonishment:

“In truth it is believed by many that the lower animals reason and talk

together.”

When the great official report of the expedition appeared, the above

sentence bore this comment:

“Then there are lower animals than Man! This remarkable passage can mean

nothing else. Man himself is extinct, but they may still exist. What

can they be? Where do they inhabit? One’s enthusiasm bursts all bounds

in the contemplation of the brilliant field of discovery and

investigation here thrown open to science. We close our labors with the

humble prayer that your Majesty will immediately appoint a commission and

command it to rest not nor spare expense until the search for this

hitherto unsuspected race of the creatures of God shall be crowned with

success.”

The expedition then journeyed homeward after its long absence and its

faithful endeavors, and was received with a mighty ovation by the whole

grateful country. There were vulgar, ignorant carpers, of course, as

there always are and always will be; and naturally one of these was the

obscene Tumble-Bug. He said that all he had learned by his travels was

that science only needed a spoonful of supposition to build a mountain of

demonstrated fact out of; and that for the future he meant to be content

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