Sketches New and Old by Mark Twain

a custom that prevails, not in New Hampshire alone, but in every state in

the Union–I mean the sentimental custom of visiting, petting,

glorifying, and snuffling over murderers like this Pike, from the day

they enter the jail under sentence of death until they swing from the

gallows. The following extract from the Temple Bar (1866) reveals the

fact that this custom is not confined to the United States.–“on December

31, 1841, a man named John Johnes, a shoemaker, murdered his sweetheart,

Mary Hallam, the daughter of a respectable laborer, at Mansfield, in the

county of Nottingham. He was executed on March 23, 1842. He was a man

of unsteady habits, and gave way to violent fits of passion. The girl

declined his addresses, and he said if he did not have her no one else

should. After he had inflicted the first wound, which was not

immediately fatal, she begged for her life, but seeing him resolved,

asked for time to pray. He said that he would pray for both, and

completed the crime. The wounds were inflicted by a shoemaker’s knife,

and her throat was cut barbarously. After this he dropped on his knees

some time, and prayed God to have mercy on two unfortunate lovers.

He made no attempt to escape, and confessed the crime. After his

imprisonment he behaved in a most decorous manner; he won upon the good

opinion of the jail chaplain, and he was visited by the Bishop of

Lincoln. It does not appear that he expressed any contrition for the

crime, but seemed to pass away with triumphant certainty that he was

going to rejoin his victim in heaven. He was visited by some pious and

benevolent ladies of Nottingham, some of whom declared he was a child of

God, if ever there was one. One of the ladies sent him a while camellia

to wear at his execution.”]

You will live in New Hampshire. In your sharp need and distress the

Brown family will succor you–such of them as Pike the assassin left

alive. They will be benefactors to you. When you shall have grown fat

upon their bounty, and are grateful and happy, you will desire to make

some modest return for these things, and so you will go to the house some

night and brain the whole family with an ax. You will rob the dead

bodies of your benefactors, and disburse your gains in riotous living

among the rowdies and courtesans of Boston. Then you will, be arrested,

tried, condemned to be hanged, thrown into prison. Now is your happy

day. You will be converted–you will be converted just as soon as

every effort to compass pardon, commutation, or reprieve has failed–and

then!–Why, then, every morning and every afternoon, the best and purest

young ladies of the village will assemble in your cell and sing hymns.

This will show that assassination is respectable. Then you will write a

touching letter, in which you will forgive all those recent Browns. This

will excite the public admiration. No public can withstand magnanimity.

Next, they will take you to the scaffold, with great eclat, at the head

of an imposing procession composed of clergymen, officials, citizens

generally, and young ladies walking pensively two and two, and bearing

bouquets and immortelles. You will mount the scaffold, and while the

great concourse stand uncovered in your presence, you will read your

sappy little speech which the minister has written for you. And then, in

the midst of a grand and impressive silence, they will swing you into

per–Paradise, my son. There will not be a dry eye on the ground. You

will be a hero! Not a rough there but will envy you. Not a rough there

but will resolve to emulate you. And next, a great procession will

follow you to the tomb–will weep over your remains–the young ladies

will sing again the hymns made dear by sweet associations connected with

the jail, and, as a last tribute of affection, respect, and appreciation

of your many sterling qualities, they will walk two and two around your

bier, and strew wreaths of flowers on it. And lo! you are canonized.

Think of it, son-ingrate, assassin, robber of the dead, drunken brawler

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