Sketches New and Old by Mark Twain

replied. The following is his speech as reported in the London Observer:

I am proud, indeed, of the distinction of being chosen to respond to this

especial toast, to ‘The Ladies,’ or to women if you please, for that is

the preferable term, perhaps; it is certainly the older, and therefore

the more entitled to reverence [Laughter.] I have noticed that the

Bible, with that plain, blunt honesty which is such a conspicuous

characteristic of the Scriptures, is always particular to never refer to

even the illustrious mother of all mankind herself as a ‘lady,’ but

speaks of her as a woman, [Laughter.] It is odd, but you will find it is

so. I am peculiarly proud of this honor, because I think that the toast

to women is one which, by right and by every rule of gallantry, should

take precedence of all others–of the army, of the navy, of even royalty

itself perhaps, though the latter is not necessary in this day and in

this land, for the reason that, tacitly, you do drink a broad general

health to all good women when you drink the health of the Queen of

England and the Princess of Wales. [Loud cheers.] I have in mind a poem

just now which is familiar to you all, familiar to everybody. And what

an inspiration that was (and how instantly the present toast recalls the

verses to all our minds) when the most noble, the most gracious, the

purest, and sweetest of all poets says:

“Woman! O woman!–er–

Wom–”

[Laughter.] However, you remember the lines; and you remember how

feelingly, how daintily, how almost imperceptibly the verses raise up

before you, feature by feature, the ideal of a true and perfect woman;

and how, as you contemplate the finished marvel, your homage grows into

worship of the intellect that could create so fair a thing out of mere

breath, mere words. And you call to mind now, as I speak, how the poet,

with stern fidelity to the history of all humanity, delivers this

beautiful child of his heart and his brain over to the trials and sorrows

that must come to all, sooner or later, that abide in the earth, and how

the pathetic story culminates in that apostrophe–so wild, so regretful,

so full of mournful retrospection. The lines run thus:

“Alas!–alas!–a–alas!

—-Alas!——–alas!”

–and so on. [Laughter.] I do not remember the rest; but, taken

together, it seems to me that poem is the noblest tribute to woman that

human genius has ever brought forth–[laughter)–and I feel that if I

were to talk hours I could not do my great theme completer or more

graceful justice than I have now done in simply quoting that poet’s

matchless words. [Renewed laughter.] The phases of the womanly nature

are infinite in their variety. Take any type of woman, and you shall

find in it something to respect, something to admire, something to love.

And you shall find the whole joining you heart and hand. Who was more

patriotic than Joan of Arc? Who was braver? Who has given us a grander

instance of self-sacrificing devotion? Ah! you remember, you remember

well, what a throb of pain, what a great tidal wave of grief swept over

us all when Joan of Arc fell at Waterloo. [Much laughter.] Who does not

sorrow for the loss of Sappho, the sweet singer of Israel? [Laughter.]

Who among us does not miss the gentle ministrations, the softening

influences, the humble piety of Lucretia Borgia? [Laughter.] Who can

join in the heartless libel that says woman is extravagant in dress when

he can look back and call to mind our simple and lowly mother Eve arrayed

in her modification of the Highland costume. [Roars of laughter.]

Sir, women have been soldiers, women have been painters, women have been

poets. As long as language lives the name of Cleopatra will live.

And, not because she conquered George III. [laughter]–but because she

wrote those divine lines:

“Let dogs delight to bark and bite,

For God hath made them so.”

[More laughter.] The story of the world is adorned with the names of

illustrious ones of our own sex–some of them sons of St. Andrew, too–

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