SKIN TIGHT by Carl Hiaasen

This, and the fact that he stood six foot nine, made Chemo a memorable sight.

Dr. Graveline was not alarmed, because he knew how Chemo had come to look this way: It was not melanoma, but a freak electrolysis accident in Scranton, many years before. While burning two ingrown hair follicles off the tip of Chemo’s nose, an elderly dermatologist had suffered a crippling stroke and lost all hand-eye coordination. Valiantly the old doctor had tried to complete the procedure, but in so doing managed to incinerate every normal pore within range of the electrified needle. Since Chemo had eaten five Valiums for breakfast, he was fast asleep on the table when the tragedy occurred. When he awoke to find his whole face blistered up like a lobster, he immediately garroted the dermatologist and fled the State of Pennsylvania forever.

Chemo had spent the better part of five years on the lam, seeking medical relief; ointments proved futile, and in fact a faulty prescription had caused the startling Rice Krispie effect. Eventually Chemo came to believe that the only hope was cosmetic surgery, and his quest for a miracle brought him naturally to Florida and naturally into the care of Dr. Rudy Graveline.

At three sharp, Rudy motioned Chemo into the consultation room. Chemo ducked as he entered and shut the door behind him. He sat in an overstaffed chair and blinked moistly at Dr. Graveline.

Rudy said: “And how are we doing today?”

Chemo grunted. “How do you think?”

“When you were here a few weeks ago, we discussed a treatment plan. You remember?”

“Yep,” Chemo said.

“And a payment plan, too.”

“How could I forget?” Chemo said.

Dr. Graveline ignored the sarcasm; the man had every right to be bitter.

“Dermabrasion is expensive,” Rudy said.

“I don’t know why,” Chemo said. “You just stick my face in a belt sander, right?”

The doctor smiled patiently. “It’s a bit more sophisticated than that—”

“But the principle’s the same.”

Rudy nodded. “Roughly speaking.”

“So how can it be two hundred bucks a pop?”

“Two hundred and ten,” Rudy corrected. “Because it requires uncommonly steady hands. You can appreciate that, I’m sure.”

Chemo smiled at the remark. Rudy wished he hadn’t; the smile was harrowing, a deadly weapon all by itself. Chemo looked like he’d been teething on cinderblocks.

“I did get a job,” he said.

Dr. Graveline agreed that was a start.

“At the Gay Bidet,” Chemo said. “It’s a punk club down on South Beach. I’m a greeter.” Again with the smile.

“A greeter,” said Rudy. “Well, well.”

“I keep out the scum,” Chemo explained.

Rudy asked about the pay. Chemo said he got six bucks an hour, not including tips.

“Not bad,” Rudy said, “but still … “He scribbled some figures on a pad, then took a calculator out of his desk and punched on it for a while. All very dramatic.

Chemo stretched his neck to look. “What’s the damage?”

“I figure twenty-four visits, that’s a minimum,” Rudy said. “Say we do one square inch every session.”

“Shit, just do it all at once.”

“Can’t,” Rudy lied, “not with dermabrasion. Say twenty-four visits at two ten each, that’s—”

“Five thousand and forty dollars,” Chemo muttered. “Jesus H. Christ.”

Dr. Graveline said: “I don’t need it all at once. Give me half to start.”

“Jesus H. Christ.”

Rudy put the calculator away.

“I just started at the club a week ago,” Chemo said. “I gotta buy groceries.”

Rudy came around the desk and sat down on the edge. In a fatherly tone he asked: “You have Blue Cross?”

“The fuck, I’m a fugitive, remember?”

“Of course.”

Rudy shook his head and mused. It was all so sad, that a great country like ours couldn’t provide minimal health care to all its citizens.

“So I’m screwed,” Chemo said.

“Not necessarily,” Dr. Graveline rubbed his chin. “I’ve got an idea.”

“Yeah?”

“It’s a job I need done.”

If Chemo had had eyebrows, they would have arched.

“If you could do this job,” Rudy went on, “I think we could work a deal.”

“A discount?”

“I don’t see why not.”

Idly, Chemo fingered the scales on his cheeks. “What’s the job?”

“I need you to kill somebody,” Rudy said.

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