Some Buried Caesar by Rex Stout

It wasn’t you, Mr. Cullen, who offered me $9000. As I

remember it, your offer was $7500.”

Cullen shrugged. “I didn’t need him. Anyway, as it stands

now, you’ll be getting $33,000, or rather keeping that out of

what Pratt paid you. Under the circumstances, McMillan, you

may consider yourself damned lucky. What I’m doing is in

effect philanthropy. I’ve had my superintendent on the phone,

and I’m not even sure I want Caesar’s line in my herd. There

have been better bulls than Caesar before now, and there will

be-”

“No bull of yours, damn you!” McMillan’s voice shook

with rage. “You damn lousy amateur!” Abruptly he stopped

himself, looked around at the faces, and slowly drew the back

of his hand across his mouth. Then he leaned toward Cullen

and said quietly but pointedly, “How do you like that? Who

are you to make side remarks about any bull or any cow

either? Let alone Hickory Caesar Grindon! Caesar was the

finest bull, bar none, that ever got on the register!”

He passed his hand across his mouth again. “Yes, I say

‘was’, because he’s not mine any more … and he’s not yours

yet, Mr. Cullen. He was a double grandson of Burleigh’s

Audacious. He had 51 A R daughters and 9 A R sons. I was up

all night the day he was dropped — he sucked these fingers

when he was six hours old.” The fingers trembled as he held

them out. “He took nine grands, the last one being at India-

napolis, the National, last year. At five shows he has taken

get of sire. Twelve of his daughters have topped 13,000 pounds

of milk and 700 pounds of butterfat. And you say you’re not

even sure you want his line in your herd! Well, damn you,

I hope you won’t get it! At least I won’t help you pay for it!”

He turned to the secretary of the National Guernsey League,

Bennett, and said with his chin stiff, “I’ll keep my $12,000,

Lew. Count me out of your little deal.”

What he got for that was an uproar. Bennett and Darth

and Cullen all went for him. It was hard to get details out of

all the confusion, but the gist of it seemed to be that McMillan

was going back on his word and he couldn’t do that, and

the honor of the National Guernsey League and of all American

stockmen was at stake, and it would put a crimp in the

prestige of the North Atlantic Exposition if such a thing

happened right next door to it, and McMillan would be

keeping $33,000 which was enough anyhow, and so forth

and so on. McMfflan sat, looking sad and sore but stubborn,

without trying to reply to them.

They were shocked into silence by an unexpected bomb

tossed into the fray by Pratt.

“Let him alone!” Pratt yelled. “He’s out of it anyhow.

I don’t want my money back from him or Mr. Cullen or

anyone else. What I want is the bull, and I’ve got him,

and a bill of sale. That’s final.”

They glared at him. Bennett sputtered, “You don’t mean

that. You can’t mean iti Look here, I’ve told you—”

“I do mean it.” Pratt’s wide jaw was set. “I’ve paid a good

price and I’m satisfied. I’ve made my arrangements and I’m

going to stick to them. I’ve invited a hundred people—”

“But good God, after what I’ve …” Bennett jumped

up, waving his arms, and it began to look as if I might have

to reach into the holster after all. He raved. “I tell you, you

can’t do iti By God, you won’t do it! You’re crazy if you think

you can get away with it, and I’ll see that you don’t! There’s

a dozen members of the league at Crowfield waiting for me to

get back, and when they hear what I have to say, there’ll be

some action taken, don’t think there won’t!”

The others were on their feet too. Daniel Cullen rumbled,

“You’re a goddam maniac, Pratt.”

Cullen grunted, and wheeled. “Come on, Bennett. Come

on, Darth. I’ve got to catch a train.” He strode off. The other

two followed at his heels. They disappeared around the

comer of the house.

After a silence Pratt’s jaw relaxed a little and he looked

across at the one who was left.

“You know, McMillan,” he said, “I don’t like the look

of that fellow Bennett. Nor what he said either. He might

even sneak around to that pasture right now, and I’m afraid

the man I’ve got guarding it isn’t much good. I know I wasn’t

supposed to get anything for my $45,000 except the bull, but

I wonder if you’d mind . . .”

“Sure.” McMillan was up, big-boned and lanky. “I’ll go

take a look. I … I wanted to look at him anyway.”

“Could you stick around a while?”

“Sure.”

The stockman lumbered off.

We sat, the nephew and niece looking worried. Lily Rowan

yawning, Pratt frowning. Wolfe heaved a sigh and emptied

his glass.

Pratt muttered, “All the commotion.”

Wolfe nodded. “Astonishing. About a bull. It might be

thought you were going to cook him and eat him.”

Pratt nodded back at him. “I am. That’s what’s causing

all the trouble.”

WELL, AS the Emperor of India would say, that

tore it. The children didn’t appear to be shocked

any, but I goggled at our host, and I could see by the sudden

tilt to Wolfe’s head that he was enjoying one of his real

and rare surprises. He also betrayed it by repeating what

he had already been told, which was equally rare.

“Eat that bull, Mr. Pratt?” he demanded.

Pratt nodded again. “I am. Perhaps you noticed a pit

we have started to dig down by the lane. That’s for a barbecue

which will occur Thursday afternoon. Three days from

now. I have invited a hundred guests, mostly from New York.

My niece and nephew and their friend Miss Rowan have

come for it The bull will be butchered tomorrow. No local

man will undertake it, and I’m getting one from Albany.

“Remarkable.” Wolfe’s head was still tilted. “I suppose

an animal of that size would furnish 7 or 800 pounds of edible

tissue. At $45,000 on the hoof, that would make it around

$60 a pound. Of course you’ll use only the more desirable

cuts and a great deal will be wasted. Another way to calculate:

if you serve a hundred guests the portions will be $450 each.”

“It sounds terrible that way.” Pratt reached for his glass,

saw it was empty, and yelled for Bert. “But consider how

little you can get for $45,000 in newspaper display or any

other form of advertising. The radio would eat it up at a

gulp, and what do you get for it? Nobody knows. But I

know what I’ll get out of this. Do you go in for psychology?”

“I…” Wolfe choked and said firmly, “No.”

“You ought to. Look here. Do you realize what a stir

it will make that the senior grand champion Guernsey bull

of the United States is being barbecued and served in chunks

and slices to a gathering of epicures? And by whom? By

Tom Pratt of the famous pratterias! Let alone the publicity,

do you know what the result will be? For weeks and months

every customer that eats a roast beef sandwich in a pratteria

will have a sneaking unconscious feeling that he’s chewing a

piece of Hickory Caesar Grindon! That’s what I mean when

I say psychology.”

“You spoke of epicures.”

“There’ll be some. Mostly the barbecue guests will be

friends and acquaintances and of course the press, but I’m

going to run in a few epicures.” Pratt jerked up. “By the

way, I’ve heard you’re one. Will you still be in Crowfield?

Maybe you’d like to run out and join us. Thursday at one

o’clock.”

“Thank you, sir. I don’t suppose Caesar’s championship

qualities include succulence, but it would be an experience.”

“Certainly it would. I’ll be phoning my agency in New

York this evening. Can I say you’ll be here? For the press.”

“You may say so, of course. The judging of orchids will

be Wednesday afternoon, and I shall probably have left

for home. But you may say so. By the way, about this bull.

I am only curious: you feel no compunction at slaughtering

a beast of established nobility?”

“Why should I?” Pratt waved a hand. “They say this

Caesar bull has so many A R daughters, that’s the point

they harp on. Do you know what A R means? Advanced

Register. What a cow has to do to get on the Advanced

Register is to produce a daily average of so much milk and

so much butterfat over a period of one year. Well, there are

over 40,000 A R Guernsey cows in this country, and only

51 of them are Caesar’s daughters. Does that sound as if I

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