‘Please scream on the Super Galactic Traveller Class decks only!’ urged the Doorbot.
‘We must do something’ began Nettle;
‘DO?!’ shouted Dan. ‘DO?! WHAT CAN WE DO?!’
‘I suggest,’ said Nettle firmly, ‘we find the Captain – there must be one – explain our situation – and ask him to take us home.’
‘Fine! Oh fine!’ Dan was beside himself with sarcasm. ‘FINE! Find the Captain! Why didn’t I think of that? Oh yes! Brilliant idea!… Actually that is a pretty good idea.’
‘Arrgh! Aaaaaagh! Arrrrrgh!’ continued Lucy after a short pause.
‘Shut up!’ said Dan. It was the first time he had ever spoken to Lucy like that, and she shut up in surprise.
‘Where can we find the Captain?’ Nettie turned to the Doorbot, who was looking about anxiously to make sure that no other passengers were being incommoded by all this Super Galactic Traveller Class screaming.
‘The Captain, madam or thing, is to be found on the Captain’s Bridge,’ said the Doorbot coldly with killing logic.
‘And where do we find that?’
‘You don’t,’ said the robot firmly. ‘The Captain’s Bridge is accessible only from the First Class accommodation.’
‘Well surely we can just go through in order to get to the Bridge?’ reasoned Nettle.
‘I’m afraid not,’ sniffed the Doorbot. ‘All travelling area restrictions are strictly observed on this vessel.’
‘Oh come off it!’ exclaimed Dan. ‘This is an emergency!’
‘Over there!’ said Nettle. She had just put on her translatorspecs and could now read the words ‘FIRST CLASS PASSENGERS ONLY BEYOND THIS POINT’ on a door at the other end of the lobby.
‘That’s pretty neat!’ exclaimed Dan, when Nettle had explained how she knew which way to go.
‘Arrrrgh!’ said Lucy. ‘Sorry! I didn’t mean to scream! It’s just that robot moved so fast!’ And it was true: the moment Dan and Nettle and Lucy stepped towards the First Class entrance, the Doorbot had overtaken them and was standing in between them and the doorway.
‘I regret, sir, madam and thing.’
‘Stop calling me a thing,’ said Nettle.
‘Super Galactic Class Travellers are not allowed beyond this point. Now if you’d kindly return to your own decks…’
‘Get out of the way, Jeeves,’ said Dan and he pushed past the robot.
‘Sir will find the door sealed,’ sniffed the Doorbot, ‘and if you do not return to your own quarters I shall be forced to call the ship’s security officers. They have vicious rabbits.’
Dan and Lucy were by now pushing and pulling on the First Class door, but it was clearly a pointless exercise.
‘There must be another way of doing this,’ said Nettle. Something about her tone of voice made Dan and Lucy calm down and return to rational thinking.
‘OK!’ said Dan. Let me handle this. After all, travel is – or has been – my business. What we have here is the commonest problem known to travellers the world over. How do we get a free upgrade?’
The Doorbot went silent.
‘Ha!’ Dan recognized the response immediately: corporate dumb insolence! ‘If you don’t tell us how to get a free upgrade immediately I shall report you to the Travel Association.’ It was a bluff but it seemed to succeed.
‘I cannot help you there, sir.’ The contempt in the robot’s voice was now so palpable it made Dan’s skin feel rough. You will have to inquire with the Deskbot.’ And he indicated the desk lamp that Nettle had been talking to earlier.
‘Huh!’ snorted Nettie. ‘That machine’s about as helpful as a strapless ball-gown under G-Force!’
Rut Dan had already run over to the Deskbot, and was now preparing to humiliate himself on an heroic scale.
‘Look,’ he began. ‘We have been mis-assigned our accommodation. This – as I expect you recognize – is Gloria Stanley, the actress.’ Dan pointed at Nettle who immediately caught on to his drift and dutifully treated the Deskbot to a sultry look. ‘I am her manager and this young lady is her lawyer.’ Lucy really did look the part in her pinstripe power suit. ‘We should have been given First Class tickets but our travel agent screwed up the booking. Can you reassign us immediately?’