‘Well,’ he said. ‘In that case, I guess we’ve both been fooling ourselves and each other for a long time. I was only so keen because I thought you were.’
Lucy was playing with one of the buttons that had come off her pinstripe power-suit during her earlier encounter with The Journalist. ‘Maybe that says it all, Dan… Maybe that says it all…’
24
Dan found Nettie in a state of some agitation. She had just been proposed to by Captain Bolfass, Corporal Inchbewigglit, Corporal Rinfineagelbun, Corporal BukeHammadorf, his half-cousin by marriage, Buke-Willinujit, Buke-Willinujit’s father, Corporal Golholiwol, the Yassaccan Prime Minister and several other Yassaccans she did not actually know, on her way across the lawn. The Prime Minister had even given her a bottle of famous Yassaccan scent. ‘Only wear it for us Yassaccans, my dear,’ he had said and squeezed her bottom.
When Dan caught up with her Nettie was desperately looking for her handbag.
‘God! You don’t think anyone’s stolen it, do you?’
‘I believe they don’t have much crime here on Yassacca,’ said Dan.
‘There’s been all this organized crime since the economy went down the chute,’ said Nettie.
‘But organized crime isn’t going to bother to steal your handbag, Nettie!’ Dan was trying to be reassuring.
‘I’ve got to find it!’ exclaimed Nettie, her eyes blazing just a few inches away from Dan’s, Dan’s knees suddenly relaxed their grip on the standing-up situation, and he had to sit down on the nearest tree stump.
‘Great grief! That wonderful scent you’re wearing!’
‘The Prime Groper of Yassacca just gave it to me in more ways than one,’ replied Nettie.
‘Nettie! I…’ Dan didn’t really have a clue what he wanted to say. It was as if the scent had wrapped itself around him and wouldn’t let go until he told her the truth.
‘What?’ Nettie was back searching a pile of clothes that various people had dumped over a bed that was standing on the veranda of Corporal Golholiwol’s house.
‘Nettie I… I think… I m crazy about you!’ Dan didn’t know quite how it happened, but suddenly he had his arms around Nettie’s waist and was kissing the back of her neck. Nettie span round.
‘Stop that!’ she cried. Dan backed off. ‘You’re getting married to Lucy! You’re going to start a hotel! You’re going to have kids and all that sort of thing!’
‘Everything’s changed!’ said Dan. ‘We can’t go back to Earth. It’s all different here!’ And he tried to put his arms round her again. But Nettie backed away.
‘Now hold on, Romeo!’ said Nettie. ‘I’m not an emotional doormat for your convenience! Besides! You’re going back to Earth! We’re all going back to Earth – I hope – just as soon as I find my handbag!’
‘What have you got in your handbag? A Concorde ticket home? A pocket rocket?’ Dan didn’t doubt for a moment that Nettie had the solution if she said she had – he knew that if any one of them had the brains to get them back it would be Nettie. He worshipped her. He admired her. But why couldn’t he tell her properly instead of behaving like a sex-crazed halfwit?
‘Let’s just find it, shall we?’ said Nettie. So Dan stopped asking questions and put his mind to looking for the handbag.
‘I’m sorry! Are you looking for this?’ Corporal Golholiwol was holding up Nettie’s handbag. Nettie grabbed it, opened it and started feverishly rummaging through it.
Dan looked at Corporal Golholiwol. ‘Nettie’s got something in it that will help us get back to the Earth.’ He hoped Nettie wouldn’t hear how like a sex-crazed halfwit he sounded.
‘Would it be these?’ Corporal Golholiwol held up a package, neatly wrapped in a broad leaf. Nettie snatched it from him, checked its contents and then looked up at the corporal.
‘What the blazes do you mean by taking things out of my handbag?’ Her eyes were like miniature SD guns. Corporal Golholiwol felt himself disintegrate and splatter all over the veranda. He looked genuinely taken aback.
‘Oh dear!’ he said. ‘Have I done something contrary to your Earth customs? On Yassacca it is traditional for the host to go through his guests’ handbags and do little repairs and mending jobs on the contents.