Traynor, he ain’t even fat In fact, he’s a real stringbean. But he can eat pies like a whiz, and the year before he ate six pies in five minutes.’
‘Whole pies?’ Teddy asked, awe-struck.
‘Right you are. And Lard Ass, he’s the youngest guy to ever be in the contest’
‘Go, Lard Ass!’ Teddy cried excitedly. ‘Scoff up those fuckin’ pies!’
‘Tell ’em about the other guys in it,’ Chris said.
‘Okay. Besides Lard Ass Hogan and Bill Traynor, there was Calvin Spier, the
fattest guy in town–he ran the jewellery store -‘
‘Gretna Jewels,’ Vern said, and snickered. Chris gave him a black look.
‘And then there’s this guy who’s a disc jockey at a radio station up in Lewiston,
he ain’t exactly fat but he’s sorta chubby, you know. And the last guy was Hubert
Gretna the Third, who was the principal of Lard Ass Hogan’s school.’
‘He was eatin’ against his own principal!’ Teddy asked.
Chris clutched his knees and rocked back and forth joyfully. ‘Ain’t that great!
Go on, Gordie!’
I had them now. They were all leaning forward. I felt an intoxicating sense of
power. I tossed my empty Coke bottle into the woods and scrunched around a little bit
to get comfortable. I remember hearing the chickadee again, off in the woods, farther
away now, lifting its monotonous, endless call into the sky: dee-dee-dee dee… ‘So he gets this idea,’ I said. The greatest revenge idea a kid ever had. The big night comes–
the end of Pioneer Days. The pie-eating contest comes just before the fireworks. The
Main Street of Gretna has been closed off so people can walk around in it, and there’s this big platform set up right in the street. There’s bunting hanging down and a big
crowd in front. There’s also a photographer from the paper, to get a picture of the
winner with blueberries all over his face, because it turned out to be blueberry pies
that year. Also, I almost forgot to tell you this, they had to eat the pies with their hands tied behind their backs. So, dig it, they come up onto the platform…’
16
From The Revenge of Lard Ass Hogan, by Gordon Lachance, originally published in
Cavalier magazine, March, 1975. Used by permission.
They came up onto the platform one by one and stood behind a long trestie
table covered with a linen cloth. The table was stacked high with pies and stood at the edge of the platform. Above it were looped necklaces of bare 100-watt bulbs, moths
and night-fliers banging softly against them and haloing them. Above the platform, bathed in spotlights, was a long sign which read: THE GREAT GRETNA PIE-EAT
OF 1960! To either side of this sign hung battered loudspeakers, supplied by Chuck
Day of the Great Day Appliance Shop. Bill Travis, the reigning champion, was
Chuck’s cousin. As each contestant came up, his hands bound behind him and his
shirtfront open, like Sidney Carton on his way to the guillotine, Mayor Charbonneau
would announce his name over Chuck’s PA system and tie a large white bib around
his neck. Calvin Spier received token applause only; in spite of his belly, which was
the size of a twenty-gallon waterbarrel, he was considered an underdog second only to
the Hogan kid (most considered Lard Ass a comer, but too young and inexperienced
to do much this year). After Spier, Bob Cormier was introduced. Cormier was a disc
jockey who did a popular afternoon programme at WLAM in Lewiston. He got a
bigger hand, accompanied by a few screams from the teenaged girls in the audience.
The girls thought he was ‘cute’. John Wiggins, principal of Gretna Elementary School,
followed Cormier. He received a hearty cheer from the older section of the audience–
and a few scattered boos from fractious members of his student body. Wiggins
managed to beam paternally and frown sternly down on the audience at the same time.
Next, Mayor Charbonneau introduced Lard Ass.
‘A new participant in the annual Great Gretna Pie-Eat, but one we expect great
things from in the future… young master David Hogan! Lard Ass got a big round of
applause as Mayor Charbonneau tied on his bib, and as it was dying away, a rehearsed