STORMY WEATHER By CARL HIAASEN

“Fuck no.” The kid answered in a raw whisper.

“Too bad. I’ll have to take the whole truck.”

“I don’t care. Ain’t mine.”

“Yeah, that was my hunch.”

The kid said, “Man, wus wrong wid yo face?”

“Excuse me?”

“I axed what’s wrong wid yo mud-fuckin face.”

Snapper went in the Cherokee and removed the Snoop Doggy Dogg compact disc from the stereo. He used the shiny side of the CD like a small mirror, pretending to admire himself in it.

“Looks fine to me,” he said, after several moments.

The kid smirked. “Sheeeiiit.”

Snapper put the pistol to the kid’s temple and ordered him to get on his belly. Then he yanked the mugger’s pants down to his ankles.

A Florida Power and Light cherry picker came steaming down the street. The kid shouted for help, but the driver kept going.

Twisting to look over his shoulder, Baby Raper saw Snapper hold the CD up to the sky, like a chrome communion wafer.

Snapper said: “Worst fuckin’ excuse for music I ever heard.”

“Man, whatcha gone do wid dat?”

“Guess.”

Ira Jackson stood with his back to the sun. Tony Torres squinted, shielding his brow with one hand.

The salesman said: “Do I remember you? Course I remember you.”

“My mother was Beatrice Jackson.”

“I said I remember.”

“She’s dead.”

“So I heard. I’m very sorry.” Stretched in the chaise, Tony Torres felt vulnerable. He raised both knees to give himself a brace for the shotgun.

Ira Jackson asked Tony if he remembered anything else. “Such as what you promised my mother about the double-wide being as safe as a regular CBS house?”

“Whoa, sport, I said no such thing.” Tony Torres was itching to get to his feet, but that was a major project. One wrong move, and the flimsy patio chair could collapse under his weight. “‘Government approved,’ is what I told you, Mister Jackson. Those were my exact words.”

“My mother’s dead. The double-wide went to pieces.”

“Well, it was one hellacious hurricane. The Storm of the Century, they said on TV.” Tony was beginning to wonder if this dumb ape didn’t see the Remington aimed at his dick. “We’re talking about a major natural disaster, sport. Look how it wrecked these houses. My house. Hell, it blew down the entire goddamn Homestead Air Force Base! There’s no hiding from something like that. I’m sorry about your mother, Mister Jackson, but a trailer’s a trailer.”

“What happened to the tie-downs?”

Oh Christ, Tony thought. Who knew enough to look at the fucking tie-downs? He struggled to appear indignant. “I’ve got no idea what you’re talking about.”

Ira Jackson said, “I found two of ’em hanging off a piece of the double-wide. Straps were rotted. Augers cut off short. No anchor disks-this shit I saw for myself.”

“I’m sure you’re mistaken. They passed inspection, Mister Jackson. Every home we sold passed inspection.” The confidence was gone from the salesman’s tone. He was uneasy, arguing with a faceless silhouette.

“Admit it,” Ira Jackson said. “Somebody cut the damn augers to save a few bucks on installation.”

“Keep talkin’ that way,” warned Tony Torres, “and I’ll sue your ass for slander.”

Even before it was made a specified condition of his parole, Ira Jackson had never possessed a firearm. In his many years as a professional goon, it had been his experience that men who brandished guns invariably got shot with one. Ira Jackson favored the more personal touch afforded by crowbars, aluminum softball bats, nunchaku sticks, piano wire, cutlery, or gym socks filled with lead fishing sinkers. Any would have done the job nicely on Tony Torres, but Ira Jackson had brought nothing but his bare fists to the salesman’s house.

“What is it you want?” Tony Torres demanded.

“An explanation.”

“Which I just gave you.” Tony’s eyes watered from peering into the sun’s glare, and he was growing worried. Edie the Ice Maiden had disappeared with Ira Jackson’s dogs-what the hell was that all about? Were they in on something? And where was the freak in the bad suit, his so-called bodyguard?

Tony said to Ira Jackson: “I think it’s time for you to go.” He motioned with the shotgun toward the street.

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