I pulled into a gas station and called the number Gwen had given me for Diane. She was out, but her roommate said she’d be home at 8:00. I headed up Indian Hill Boulevard, turning left onto Baughman. My friends Gideon and Nell live two doors down in a house with two kids, three cats, and a hot tub. Nell I’ve known since my college days. She’s a creature of high intellect and wry humor who’s learned never to be too amazed by my appearances on her doorstep. She seemed pleased to see me nevertheless and I sat in her kitchen, watching her make soup while we talked. I called Diane again after supper and she agreed to meet me for lunch. After that, Nell and I stripped down and soaked in the hot tub out on the deck, with icy white wine and a lot more catching up to do. Gideon graciously kept the children at bay. I slept on the couch that night with a cat curled up on my chest, wondering if there was any way I could have such a life for myself.
I met Diane at one of those brown-bread-and-sprout restaurants that all look the same: lots of natural varnished wood and healthy hanging plants, macram� and leaded-glass windows and waiters who don’t smoke cigarettes but would probably toke on anything else you’ve got. Ours was thin with receding hair and a dark mustache, which he stroked incessantly, taking our order with an earnestness that I don’t think any sandwich ever deserved. Mine was avocado and bacon. Hers was a ‘vegetarian delite” stuffed in pita bread.
“Greg says he really treated you like shit when you first got down there,” she said and laughed. Some sort of dressing was leaking out through a crack in her pita bread and she lapped it off.
“When did you talk to him? Last night?”
“Sure.” She took another unwieldy mouthful and I watched her lick her fingers and wipe her chin. She had Greg’s clean good looks but she carried more weight, wide rump packed into a pair of faded jeans, and an unexpected powdering of freckles on her face. Her dark hair was parted in the center and pulled up on top with a broad leather band, pierced through with a wooden skewer.
“Did you know Nikki was out on parole?” I asked.
“That’s what Mom said. Is Colin back?”
“Nikki was just on her way up to get him when I talked to her a couple of days ago,” I said. I was struggling to keep my sandwich intact, thick bread breaking with every bite, but I caught the look in her eye. Colin interested her. Nikki did not.
“Did you meet Mom?”
“Yes. I liked her a lot.”
Diane flashed a quick, proud smile. “Daddy was really an asshole to dump her for Nikki if you ask me. I mean, Nikki’s okay, but she’s kind of cold, don’t you think?”
I murmured something noncommittal. Diane didn’t seem to be listening anyway. “Your mother said you went into therapy right after your father died,” I said.
Diane rolled her eyes, taking a sip of peppermint tea. “I’ve been in therapy half my life and my head’s still not on straight. It’s really a drag. The shrink I got now thinks I should go into analysis but nobody does that anymore. He says I need to go into my ‘dark’ side. He’s into this real Freudian horseshit. All those old guys are. You know, they want you to lie there and tell ‘em all your dreams and kinky fantasies so they can whack off mentally at your expense. I did Reichian before that but I got sick of buffing and puffing and pulling on towels. That just felt dumb to me.”
I took a big bite of sandwich, nodding as if I knew what she was talking about. “I’ve never been in therapy,” I murmured.
“Not even group?”
I shook my head.
“God, you must really be neurotic,” she said respectfully.
“Well I don’t bite my nails or wet the bed.”
“You’re probably the compulsive type, avoiding commitments and shit like that. Daddy was like that some.”
“Like how?” I said, skipping right over the reference to my character. After all, it was just a wild guess.
“Oh. You know. Fucking around all the time. Greg and I still compare notes on that. My shrink says he was just warding off pain. My granny used to manipulate the shit out of him so he turned around and manipulated everyone else, including Greg and me. And Mom. And Nikki, and I don’t even know who else. I don’t think he ever loved anybody in his life except Colin maybe. Too threatening.”
She finished her sandwich and spent a few minutes wiping her face and hands. Then she folded the paper napkin carefully.
“Greg told me you missed the trip to Salton Sea,” I said.
“What, before Daddy died? Yeah I did. I had the flu, really grisly stuff, so I stayed with Mom. She was great, really poured on the TLC. I never slept so much in my life.”
“How did the dog get out?”
She put her hands in her lap. “What?”
“Bruno. Greg said he got hit by a car. I just wondered who let him out. Was Mrs. Voss staying at the house while the family was gone?”
Diane looked at me with care and then away. “I don’t think so. She was on vacation, I think. ” Her eyes strayed to the clock on the wall behind me. “I’ve got a class,” she said. Her face was suffused with pink.
“Are you okay?”
“Sure. Fine,” she said, casually gathering up her purse and books. She seemed relieved to have something to do. “Oh, I nearly forgot. I’ve got something for Colin if you’re going to see him.” She held out a paper bag. “It’s an album I put together for him. We had all those pictures in a box. ” She was all business now, her manner distracted, her attention disengaged. She gave me a brief smile. “I’m sorry I don’t have any more time. How much is my part of the lunch?”
“I’ll take care of it,” I said. “Can I drop you someplace?”
“I’ve got a car,” she said. All the animation had left her face.
“Diane, what’s going on?” I said.
She sat down again abruptly, staring straight ahead. Her voice had dropped about six notes. “I let the dog out myself,” she said, “the day they left. Nikki said to let him have a run before Mom picked me up so I did but I just felt like shit. I lay down on the couch in the living room to wait for Mom and when she honked, I just grabbed my stuff and went out the front. I never even thought about the dog. He must have been running around for two days before I remembered. That’s why Mom and I drove over there. To fed him and let him in.”
Her eyes finally met mine and she seemed close to tears. “That poor thing,” she whispered. The guilt seemed to take possession of her totally. “It was my fault. That’s why he got hit. Because I forgot.” She put a trembling hand against her mouth, blinking. “I felt awful about it but I never told anyone except Mom and nobody ever asked. You won’t tell, will you? They were so upset that he got killed that nobody ever even asked me how he got out and I never said a word. I couldn’t. Nikki would have hated me.”
“Nikki’s not going to hate you because the dog got killed, Diane,” I said. “That was years ago. What difference does it make now?”
Her eyes took on a haunted look and I had to lean forward to hear what she was saying. “Because someone got in. While the dog was out. Someone got into the house and switched the medication. And that’s why Daddy died, ” she said. She fumbled in her purse for a Kleenex, her sobs sounding like a series of gasps, involuntary, quick, her shoulders hunching helplessly.
Two guys from the next table looked over at her with curiosity.
“Oh God, oh God,” she whispered, her voice hoarse with grief.
“Let’s get out of here,” I said, grabbing up her belongings. I left too much money on the table for the check. I took her by the arm, propelling her toward the door.
By the time we got out to the parking lot, she was almost in control of herself. “God, I’m sorry. I can’t believe I did that,” she said. “I never fall apart that way.”
“That’s okay,” I said. “I had no idea I’d set you off like that. It was just something that stuck in my mind after Greg mentioned it. I didn’t mean to accuse you of anything.”
“I couldn’t believe you said it,” she said, tears rising again. She looked at me earnestly. “I thought you knew. I thought you must have found out. I never would have admitted it otherwise. I’ve felt so awful about that for so long.”