Sweet MYTH-tery of Life by Robert Asprin

“The motives?” I corrected without thinking.

“That too,” he nodded. “You see, Boss, the business-type disputes which result in violence like I am normally called upon to deal with have origins that are easily comprehended . . . like greed or fear. That is to say, either Boss A wants somethin’ that Boss B is reluctant to part with, as in a good-sized hunk of revenue generatin’ territory, or Boss B is afraid that Boss A is gonna try to whack him and decides to beat him to the punch. In these situationals, there is a clear-cut objective in mind, and the action is therefore relatively easy to predict and counter. Know what I mean?”

“I think so,” I said. “And in a domestic disturbance?”

“That’s where it can get ugly,” he grimaced. “It starts out with people arguin’ when they don’t know why they’re arguin’. What’s at stake there is emotions and hurt feelin’s, not money. The problem with that is that there is no clear-cut objective, and as a result, there is no way of tellin’ when the fightin’ should cease. It just keeps escalatin’ up and up, with both sides dishin’ out and takin’ more and more damage, until each of ’em is hurt so bad that the only important thing left is to hurt the other one back.”

He smacked his fist loudly into his other hand, wincing slightly when he moved his injured arm.

“When it explodes,” he continued, “you don’t want to be anywhere near ground zero. One will go at the other, or they’ll go at each other, with anything that’s at hand. The worst part is, and the reason neither us or the cops want to try to mess with it, is that if you try to break it up, chances are that they’ll both turn on you. You see, mad as they are, they’ll still reflexively protect each other from any outside force . . . into which category will fall you or anyone else who tries to interfere. That’s why the best policy, if you have a choice at all, is to get away from them and wait until the dust settles before venturin’ close again.”

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