“For the most part, they’d be right,” Chumley was continuing, “but on the subject of marriage, I can be as coldly analytical as the best of them.”
“Terrific,” I said. “That’s what I was really hoping for. … An unemotional, unbiased opinion.”
“First, let me ask you a few questions,” the troll said.
“All right.”
“Do you love her?”
I paused to give the question an honest consideration.
“I don’t think so,” I said. “Of course, I really don’t know all that much about love.”
“Does she love you?”
“Again, I don’t think so,” I said.
I was actually enjoying this. Chumley was breaking things down to where even I could understand his logic.
“Well, has she said she loves you?”
That one I didn’t even have to think about.
“No.”
“You’re sure?” the troll pressed.
“Positive,” I said. “The closest she’s come is to say she thinks we’d make a good pair. I think she meant it as a compliment.”
“Good,” my friend said, settling back in his chair.
“Excuse me?” I blinked. “For a moment there, I thought you said …”
“I said ‘Good’ and I meant it.” the troll repeated.
“You lost me there,” I said. “I thought marriages were supposed to be . . .”
“… Based on love?” Chumley finished for me. “That’s what most young people think. That’s also why so many of their marriages fall apart.”
Even though he had sort of warned me in advance, I found the troll’s position to be a bit unsettling.
“Urn, Chumley? Are we differentiating between ‘analytical’ and ‘cynical’?”
“It’s not really as insensitive as it sounds, Skeeve,” the troll said with a laugh, apparently unoffended by my comment. “You see, when you’re young and full of hormones, and come in close contact for the first time with someone of the opposite sex who isn’t related to you, you experience feelings and urges that you’ve never encountered before. Now since, despite their bragging to the contrary, most people are raised to think of themselves as good and decent folks, they automatically attach the socially correct label to these feelings: Love. Of course, there’s also a socially correct response when two people feel that way about each other . . . specifically, marriage.”