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THE $30,000 BEQUEST and Other Stories by Mark Twain

THE $30,000 BEQUEST and Other Stories by Mark Twain

THE $30,000 BEQUEST and Other Stories by Mark Twain

(Samuel L. Clemens)

The $30,000 Bequest

A Dog’s Tale

Was It Heaven? Or Hell?

A Cure for the Blues

The Enemy Conquered; or, Love Triumphant

The Californian’s Tale

A Helpless Situation

A Telephonic Conversation

Edward Mills and George Benton: A Tale

The Five Boons of Life

The First Writing-machines

Italian without a Master

Italian with Grammar

A Burlesque Biography

How to Tell a Story

General Washington’s Negro Body-servant

Wit Inspirations of the “Two-year-olds”

An Entertaining Article

A Letter to the Secretary of the Treasury

Amended Obituaries

A Monument to Adam

A Humane Word from Satan

Introduction to “The New Guide of the

Conversation in Portuguese and English”

Advice to Little Girls

Post-mortem Poetry

The Danger of Lying in Bed

Portrait of King William III

Does the Race of Man Love a Lord?

Extracts from Adam’s Diary

Eve’s Diary




Lakeside was a pleasant little town of five or six thousand inhabitants,

and a rather pretty one, too, as towns go in the Far West.

It had church accommodations for thirty-five thousand, which is

the way of the Far West and the South, where everybody is religious,

and where each of the Protestant sects is represented and has a plant

of its own. Rank was unknown in Lakeside–unconfessed, anyway;

everybody knew everybody and his dog, and a sociable friendliness

was the prevailing atmosphere.

Saladin Foster was book-keeper in the principal store, and the only

high-salaried man of his profession in Lakeside. He was thirty-five

years old, now; he had served that store for fourteen years;

he had begun in his marriage-week at four hundred dollars a year,

and had climbed steadily up, a hundred dollars a year, for four years;

from that time forth his wage had remained eight hundred–a handsome

figure indeed, and everybody conceded that he was worth it.

His wife, Electra, was a capable helpmeet, although–like himself–

a dreamer of dreams and a private dabbler in romance. The first thing

she did, after her marriage–child as she was, aged only nineteen–

was to buy an acre of ground on the edge of the town, and pay

down the cash for it–twenty-five dollars, all her fortune.

Saladin had less, by fifteen. She instituted a vegetable garden there,

got it farmed on shares by the nearest neighbor, and made it pay

her a hundred per cent. a year. Out of Saladin’s first year’s wage

she put thirty dollars in the savings-bank, sixty out of his second,

a hundred out of his third, a hundred and fifty out of his fourth.

His wage went to eight hundred a year, then, and meantime two children

had arrived and increased the expenses, but she banked two hundred

a year from the salary, nevertheless, thenceforth. When she had been

married seven years she built and furnished a pretty and comfortable

two-thousand-dollar house in the midst of her garden-acre, paid

half of the money down and moved her family in. Seven years later

she was out of debt and had several hundred dollars out earning

its living.

Earning it by the rise in landed estate; for she had long ago bought

another acre or two and sold the most of it at a profit to pleasant

people who were willing to build, and would be good neighbors and

furnish a general comradeship for herself and her growing family.

She had an independent income from safe investments of about a hundred

dollars a year; her children were growing in years and grace;

and she was a pleased and happy woman. Happy in her husband, happy in

her children, and the husband and the children were happy in her.

It is at this point that this history begins.

The youngest girl, Clytemnestra–called Clytie for short–

was eleven; her sister, Gwendolen–called Gwen for short–

was thirteen; nice girls, and comely. The names betray the latent

romance-tinge in the parental blood, the parents’ names indicate

that the tinge was an inheritance. It was an affectionate family,

hence all four of its members had pet names, Saladin’s was a curious

and unsexing one–Sally; and so was Electra’s–Aleck. All day

long Sally was a good and diligent book-keeper and salesman;

all day long Aleck was a good and faithful mother and housewife,

and thoughtful and calculating business woman; but in the cozy

living-room at night they put the plodding world away, and lived in

another and a fairer, reading romances to each other, dreaming dreams,

comrading with kings and princes and stately lords and ladies in the

flash and stir and splendor of noble palaces and grim and ancient castles.


Now came great news! Stunning news–joyous news, in fact.

It came from a neighboring state, where the family’s only surviving

relative lived. It was Sally’s relative–a sort of vague and indefinite

uncle or second or third cousin by the name of Tilbury Foster,

seventy and a bachelor, reputed well off and corresponding sour

and crusty. Sally had tried to make up to him once, by letter,

in a bygone time, and had not made that mistake again. Tilbury now

wrote to Sally, saying he should shortly die, and should leave him

thirty thousand dollars, cash; not for love, but because money

had given him most of his troubles and exasperations, and he wished

to place it where there was good hope that it would continue its

malignant work. The bequest would be found in his will, and would

be paid over. PROVIDED, that Sally should be able to prove to the




As soon as Aleck had partially recovered from the tremendous

emotions created by the letter, she sent to the relative’s habitat

and subscribed for the local paper.

Man and wife entered into a solemn compact, now, to never mention

the great news to any one while the relative lived, lest some

ignorant person carry the fact to the death-bed and distort it

and make it appear that they were disobediently thankful for

the bequest, and just the same as confessing it and publishing it,

right in the face of the prohibition.

For the rest of the day Sally made havoc and confusion with his books,

and Aleck could not keep her mind on her affairs, not even take up

a flower-pot or book or a stick of wood without forgetting what she

had intended to do with it. For both were dreaming.

“Thir-ty thousand dollars!”

All day long the music of those inspiring words sang through

those people’s heads.

From his marriage-day forth, Aleck’s grip had been upon the purse,

and Sally had seldom known what it was to be privileged to squander

a dime on non-necessities.

“Thir-ty thousand dollars!” the song went on and on. A vast sum,

an unthinkable sum!

All day long Aleck was absorbed in planning how to invest it,

Sally in planning how to spend it.

There was no romance-reading that night. The children took

themselves away early, for their parents were silent, distraught,

and strangely unentertaining. The good-night kisses might as well

have been impressed upon vacancy, for all the response they got;

the parents were not aware of the kisses, and the children had

been gone an hour before their absence was noticed. Two pencils

had been busy during that hour–note-making; in the way of plans.

It was Sally who broke the stillness at last. He said, with exultation:

“Ah, it’ll be grand, Aleck! Out of the first thousand we’ll have

a horse and a buggy for summer, and a cutter and a skin lap-robe

for winter.”

Aleck responded with decision and composure–

“Out of the CAPITAL? Nothing of the kind. Not if it was a million!”

Sally was deeply disappointed; the glow went out of his face.

“Oh, Aleck!” he said, reproachfully. “We’ve always worked so hard

and been so scrimped: and now that we are rich, it does seem–”

He did not finish, for he saw her eye soften; his supplication

had touched her. She said, with gentle persuasiveness:

“We must not spend the capital, dear, it would not be wise.

Out of the income from it–”

“That will answer, that will answer, Aleck! How dear and good you are!

There will be a noble income and if we can spend that–”

“Not ALL of it, dear, not all of it, but you can spend a part of it.

That is, a reasonable part. But the whole of the capital–

every penny of it–must be put right to work, and kept at it.

You see the reasonableness of that, don’t you?”

“Why, ye-s. Yes, of course. But we’ll have to wait so long.

Six months before the first interest falls due.”

“Yes–maybe longer.”

“Longer, Aleck? Why? Don’t they pay half-yearly?”

“THAT kind of an investment–yes; but I sha’n’t invest in that way.”

“What way, then?”

“For big returns.”

“Big. That’s good. Go on, Aleck. What is it?”

“Coal. The new mines. Cannel. I mean to put in ten thousand.

Ground floor. When we organize, we’ll get three shares for one.”

“By George, but it sounds good, Aleck! Then the shares will be worth–

how much? And when?”

“About a year. They’ll pay ten per cent. half yearly, and be

worth thirty thousand. I know all about it; the advertisement

is in the Cincinnati paper here.”

“Land, thirty thousand for ten–in a year! Let’s jam in the whole

capital and pull out ninety! I’ll write and subscribe right now–

tomorrow it maybe too late.”

He was flying to the writing-desk, but Aleck stopped him and put

him back in his chair. She said:

“Don’t lose your head so. WE mustn’t subscribe till we’ve got

the money; don’t you know that?”

Sally’s excitement went down a degree or two, but he was not

wholly appeased.

“Why, Aleck, we’ll HAVE it, you know–and so soon, too. He’s probably

out of his troubles before this; it’s a hundred to nothing he’s

selecting his brimstone-shovel this very minute. Now, I think–”

Aleck shuddered, and said:

“How CAN you, Sally! Don’t talk in that way, it is perfectly scandalous.”

“Oh, well, make it a halo, if you like, _I_ don’t care for his outfit,

I was only just talking. Can’t you let a person talk?”

“But why should you WANT to talk in that dreadful way? How would

you like to have people talk so about YOU, and you not cold yet?”

“Not likely to be, for ONE while, I reckon, if my last act was

giving away money for the sake of doing somebody a harm with it.

But never mind about Tilbury, Aleck, let’s talk about something worldly.

It does seem to me that that mine is the place for the whole thirty.

What’s the objection?”

“All the eggs in one basket–that’s the objection.”

“All right, if you say so. What about the other twenty?

What do you mean to do with that?”

“There is no hurry; I am going to look around before I do anything

with it.”

“All right, if your mind’s made up,” signed Sally. He was deep

in thought awhile, then he said:

“There’ll be twenty thousand profit coming from the ten a year

from now. We can spend that, can we, Aleck?”

Aleck shook her head.

“No, dear,” she said, “it won’t sell high till we’ve had the first

semi-annual dividend. You can spend part of that.”

“Shucks, only THAT–and a whole year to wait! Confound it, I–”

“Oh, do be patient! It might even be declared in three months–

it’s quite within the possibilities.”

“Oh, jolly! oh, thanks!” and Sally jumped up and kissed his wife

in gratitude. “It’ll be three thousand–three whole thousand!

how much of it can we spend, Aleck? Make it liberal!–do, dear,

that’s a good fellow.”

Aleck was pleased; so pleased that she yielded to the pressure and

conceded a sum which her judgment told her was a foolish extravagance–

a thousand dollars. Sally kissed her half a dozen times and even

in that way could not express all his joy and thankfulness.

This new access of gratitude and affection carried Aleck quite

beyond the bounds of prudence, and before she could restrain

herself she had made her darling another grant–a couple

of thousand out of the fifty or sixty which she meant to clear

within a year of the twenty which still remained of the bequest.

The happy tears sprang to Sally’s eyes, and he said:

“Oh, I want to hug you!” And he did it. Then he got his

notes and sat down and began to check off, for first purchase,

the luxuries which he should earliest wish to secure.


church-pew–stem-winder–new teeth–SAY, Aleck!”


“Ciphering away, aren’t you? That’s right. Have you got the twenty

thousand invested yet?”

“No, there’s no hurry about that; I must look around first,

and think.”

“But you are ciphering; what’s it about?”

“Why, I have to find work for the thirty thousand that comes out

of the coal, haven’t I?”

“Scott, what a head! I never thought of that. How are you

getting along? Where have you arrived?”

“Not very far–two years or three. I’ve turned it over twice;

once in oil and once in wheat.”

“Why, Aleck, it’s splendid! How does it aggregate?”

“I think–well, to be on the safe side, about a hundred and eighty

thousand clear, though it will probably be more.”

“My! isn’t it wonderful? By gracious! luck has come our way at last,

after all the hard sledding, Aleck!”


“I’m going to cash in a whole three hundred on the missionaries–

what real right have we care for expenses!”

“You couldn’t do a nobler thing, dear; and it’s just like your

generous nature, you unselfish boy.”

The praise made Sally poignantly happy, but he was fair and just

enough to say it was rightfully due to Aleck rather than to himself,

since but for her he should never have had the money.

Then they went up to bed, and in their delirium of bliss they forgot

and left the candle burning in the parlor. They did not remember

until they were undressed; then Sally was for letting it burn;

he said they could afford it, if it was a thousand. But Aleck went

down and put it out.

A good job, too; for on her way back she hit on a scheme that would

turn the hundred and eighty thousand into half a million before it

had had time to get cold.


The little newspaper which Aleck had subscribed for was a Thursday sheet;

it would make the trip of five hundred miles from Tilbury’s village

and arrive on Saturday. Tilbury’s letter had started on Friday,

more than a day too late for the benefactor to die and get into

that week’s issue, but in plenty of time to make connection for the

next output. Thus the Fosters had to wait almost a complete week to

find out whether anything of a satisfactory nature had happened to him

or not. It was a long, long week, and the strain was a heavy one.

The pair could hardly have borne it if their minds had not had the

relief of wholesome diversion. We have seen that they had that.

The woman was piling up fortunes right along, the man was spending them–

spending all his wife would give him a chance at, at any rate.

At last the Saturday came, and the WEEKLY SAGAMORE arrived.

Mrs. Eversly Bennett was present. She was the Presbyterian

parson’s wife, and was working the Fosters for a charity.

Talk now died a sudden death–on the Foster side. Mrs. Bennett

presently discovered that her hosts were not hearing a word she

was saying; so she got up, wondering and indignant, and went away.

The moment she was out of the house, Aleck eagerly tore the wrapper

from the paper, and her eyes and Sally’s swept the columns for the

death-notices. Disappointment! Tilbury was not anywhere mentioned.

Aleck was a Christian from the cradle, and duty and the force of

habit required her to go through the motions. She pulled herself

together and said, with a pious two-per-cent. trade joyousness:

“Let us be humbly thankful that he has been spared; and–”

“Damn his treacherous hide, I wish–”

“Sally! For shame!”

“I don’t care!” retorted the angry man. “It’s the way YOU feel,

and if you weren’t so immorally pious you’d be honest and say so.”

Aleck said, with wounded dignity:

“I do not see how you can say such unkind and unjust things.

There is no such thing as immoral piety.”

Sally felt a pang, but tried to conceal it under a shuffling attempt

to save his case by changing the form of it–as if changing the form

while retaining the juice could deceive the expert he was trying

to placate. He said:

“I didn’t mean so bad as that, Aleck; I didn’t really mean

immoral piety, I only meant–meant–well, conventional piety,

you know; er–shop piety; the–the–why, YOU know what I mean.

Aleck–the–well, where you put up that plated article and play

it for solid, you know, without intending anything improper,

but just out of trade habit, ancient policy, petrified custom,

loyalty to–to–hang it, I can’t find the right words, but YOU

know what I mean, Aleck, and that there isn’t any harm in it.

I’ll try again. You see, it’s this way. If a person–”

“You have said quite enough,” said Aleck, coldly; “let the subject

be dropped.”

“I’M willing,” fervently responded Sally, wiping the sweat from

his forehead and looking the thankfulness he had no words for.

Then, musingly, he apologized to himself. “I certainly held threes–

I KNOW it–but I drew and didn’t fill. That’s where I’m so often

weak in the game. If I had stood pat–but I didn’t. I never do.

I don’t know enough.”

Confessedly defeated, he was properly tame now and subdued.

Aleck forgave him with her eyes.

The grand interest, the supreme interest, came instantly to the

front again; nothing could keep it in the background many minutes

on a stretch. The couple took up the puzzle of the absence

of Tilbury’s death-notice. They discussed it every which way,

more or less hopefully, but they had to finish where they began,

and concede that the only really sane explanation of the absence

of the notice must be–and without doubt was–that Tilbury was

not dead. There was something sad about it, something even a

little unfair, maybe, but there it was, and had to be put up with.

They were agreed as to that. To Sally it seemed a strangely

inscrutable dispensation; more inscrutable than usual, he thought;

one of the most unnecessary inscrutable he could call to mind,

in fact–and said so, with some feeling; but if he was hoping

to draw Aleck he failed; she reserved her opinion, if she had one;

she had not the habit of taking injudicious risks in any market,

worldly or other.

The pair must wait for next week’s paper–Tilbury had

evidently postponed. That was their thought and their decision.

So they put the subject away and went about their affairs

again with as good heart as they could.

Now, if they had but known it, they had been wronging Tilbury

all the time. Tilbury had kept faith, kept it to the letter;

he was dead, he had died to schedule. He was dead more than four

days now and used to it; entirely dead, perfectly dead, as dead

as any other new person in the cemetery; dead in abundant time to get

into that week’s SAGAMORE, too, and only shut out by an accident;

an accident which could not happen to a metropolitan journal,

but which happens easily to a poor little village rag like the SAGAMORE.

On this occasion, just as the editorial page was being locked up,

a gratis quart of strawberry ice-water arrived from Hostetter’s

Ladies and Gents Ice-Cream Parlors, and the stickful of rather

chilly regret over Tilbury’s translation got crowded out to make

room for the editor’s frantic gratitude.

On its way to the standing-galley Tilbury’s notice got pied.

Otherwise it would have gone into some future edition, for WEEKLY

SAGAMORES do not waste “live” matter, and in their galleys “live”

matter is immortal, unless a pi accident intervenes. But a thing

that gets pied is dead, and for such there is no resurrection;

its chance of seeing print is gone, forever and ever. And so,

let Tilbury like it or not, let him rave in his grave to his fill,

no matter–no mention of his death would ever see the light in the



Five weeks drifted tediously along. The SAGAMORE arrived regularly on

the Saturdays, but never once contained a mention of Tilbury Foster.

Sally’s patience broke down at this point, and he said, resentfully:

“Damn his livers, he’s immortal!”

Aleck give him a very severe rebuke, and added with icy solemnity:

“How would you feel if you were suddenly cut out just after such

an awful remark had escaped out of you?”

Without sufficient reflection Sally responded:

“I’d feel I was lucky I hadn’t got caught with it IN me.”

Pride had forced him to say something, and as he could not think

of any rational thing to say he flung that out. Then he stole a base–

as he called it–that is, slipped from the presence, to keep from

being brayed in his wife’s discussion-mortar.

Six months came and went. The SAGAMORE was still silent about Tilbury.

Meantime, Sally had several times thrown out a feeler–that is,

a hint that he would like to know. Aleck had ignored the hints.

Sally now resolved to brace up and risk a frontal attack.

So he squarely proposed to disguise himself and go to Tilbury’s

village and surreptitiously find out as to the prospects.

Aleck put her foot on the dangerous project with energy and decision.

She said:

“What can you be thinking of? You do keep my hands full!

You have to be watched all the time, like a little child, to keep

you from walking into the fire. You’ll stay right where you are!”

“Why, Aleck, I could do it and not be found out–I’m certain of it.”

“Sally Foster, don’t you know you would have to inquire around?”

“Of course, but what of it? Nobody would suspect who I was.”

“Oh, listen to the man! Some day you’ve got to prove to the

executors that you never inquired. What then?”

He had forgotten that detail. He didn’t reply; there wasn’t

anything to say. Aleck added:

“Now then, drop that notion out of your mind, and don’t ever meddle

with it again. Tilbury set that trap for you. Don’t you know it’s

a trap? He is on the watch, and fully expecting you to blunder

into it. Well, he is going to be disappointed–at least while I

am on deck. Sally!”


“As long as you live, if it’s a hundred years, don’t you ever make

an inquiry. Promise!”

“All right,” with a sigh and reluctantly.

Then Aleck softened and said:

“Don’t be impatient. We are prospering; we can wait; there is

no hurry. Our small dead-certain income increases all the time;

and as to futures, I have not made a mistake yet–they are piling

up by the thousands and tens of thousands. There is not another

family in the state with such prospects as ours. Already we are

beginning to roll in eventual wealth. You know that, don’t you?”

“Yes, Aleck, it’s certainly so.”

“Then be grateful for what God is doing for us and stop worrying.

You do not believe we could have achieved these prodigious results

without His special help and guidance, do you?”

Hesitatingly, “N-no, I suppose not.” Then, with feeling

and admiration, “And yet, when it comes to judiciousness

in watering a stock or putting up a hand to skin Wall Street

I don’t give in that YOU need any outside amateur help, if I do wish I–”

“Oh, DO shut up! I know you do not mean any harm or any irreverence,

poor boy, but you can’t seem to open your mouth without letting out

things to make a person shudder. You keep me in constant dread.

For you and for all of us. Once I had no fear of the thunder,

but now when I hear it I–”

Her voice broke, and she began to cry, and could not finish.

The sight of this smote Sally to the heart and he took her in his

arms and petted her and comforted her and promised better conduct,

and upbraided himself and remorsefully pleaded for forgiveness.

And he was in earnest, and sorry for what he had done and ready for any

sacrifice that could make up for it.

And so, in privacy, he thought long and deeply over the matter,

resolving to do what should seem best. It was easy to PROMISE reform;

indeed he had already promised it. But would that do any real good,

any permanent good? No, it would be but temporary–he knew

his weakness, and confessed it to himself with sorrow–he could

not keep the promise. Something surer and better must be devised;

and he devised it. At cost of precious money which he had long

been saving up, shilling by shilling, he put a lightning-rod on

the house.

At a subsequent time he relapsed.

What miracles habit can do! and how quickly and how easily habits

are acquired–both trifling habits and habits which profoundly change us.

If by accident we wake at two in the morning a couple of nights

in succession, we have need to be uneasy, for another repetition can

turn the accident into a habit; and a month’s dallying with whiskey–

but we all know these commonplace facts.

The castle-building habit, the day-dreaming habit–how it grows!

what a luxury it becomes; how we fly to its enchantments at every

idle moment, how we revel in them, steep our souls in them,

intoxicate ourselves with their beguiling fantasies–oh yes,

and how soon and how easily our dram life and our material life

become so intermingled and so fused together that we can’t quite

tell which is which, any more.

By and by Aleck subscribed to a Chicago daily and for the WALL

STREET POINTER. With an eye single to finance she studied these

as diligently all the week as she studied her Bible Sundays.

Sally was lost in admiration, to note with what swift and sure strides

her genius and judgment developed and expanded in the forecasting and

handling of the securities of both the material and spiritual markets.

He was proud of her nerve and daring in exploiting worldly stocks,

and just as proud of her conservative caution in working her

spiritual deals. He noted that she never lost her head in either case;

that with a splendid courage she often went short on worldly futures,

but heedfully drew the line there–she was always long on the others.

Her policy was quite sane and simple, as she explained it to him:

what she put into earthly futures was for speculation, what she put

into spiritual futures was for investment; she was willing to go into

the one on a margin, and take chances, but in the case of the other,

“margin her no margins”–she wanted to cash in a hundred cents per

dollar’s worth, and have the stock transferred on the books.

It took but a very few months to educate Aleck’s imagination

and Sally’s. Each day’s training added something to the spread

and effectiveness of the two machines. As a consequence, Aleck made

imaginary money much faster than at first she had dreamed of making it,

and Sally’s competency in spending the overflow of it kept pace with

the strain put upon it, right along. In the beginning, Aleck had

given the coal speculation a twelvemonth in which to materialize,

and had been loath to grant that this term might possibly be shortened

by nine months. But that was the feeble work, the nursery work,

of a financial fancy that had had no teaching, no experience,

no practice. These aids soon came, then that nine months vanished,

and the imaginary ten-thousand-dollar investment came marching

home with three hundred per cent. profit on its back!

It was a great day for the pair of Fosters. They were speechless

for joy. Also speechless for another reason: after much watching

of the market, Aleck had lately, with fear and trembling, made her

first flyer on a “margin,” using the remaining twenty thousand of

the bequest in this risk. In her mind’s eye she had seen it climb,

point by point–always with a chance that the market would break–

until at last her anxieties were too great for further endurance–

she being new to the margin business and unhardened, as yet–and she

gave her imaginary broker an imaginary order by imaginary telegraph

to sell. She said forty thousand dollars’ profit was enough.

The sale was made on the very day that the coal venture had returned

with its rich freight. As I have said, the couple were speechless.

they sat dazed and blissful that night, trying to realize that they were

actually worth a hundred thousand dollars in clean, imaginary cash.

Yet so it was.

It was the last time that ever Aleck was afraid of a margin;

at least afraid enough to let it break her sleep and pale her cheek

to the extent that this first experience in that line had done.

Indeed it was a memorable night. Gradually the realization that they

were rich sank securely home into the souls of the pair, then they

began to place the money. If we could have looked out through

the eyes of these dreamers, we should have seen their tidy little

wooden house disappear, and two-story brick with a cast-iron fence

in front of it take its place; we should have seen a three-globed

gas-chandelier grow down from the parlor ceiling; we should have seen

the homely rag carpet turn to noble Brussels, a dollar and a half

a yard; we should have seen the plebeian fireplace vanish away and

a recherch’e, big base-burner with isinglass windows take position

and spread awe around. And we should have seen other things,

too; among them the buggy, the lap-robe, the stove-pipe hat, and so on.

From that time forth, although the daughters and the neighbors

saw only the same old wooden house there, it was a two-story

brick to Aleck and Sally and not a night went by that Aleck did

not worry about the imaginary gas-bills, and get for all comfort

Sally’s reckless retort: “What of it? We can afford it.”

Before the couple went to bed, that first night that they were rich,

they had decided that they must celebrate. They must give a party–

that was the idea. But how to explain it–to the daughters and

the neighbors? They could not expose the fact that they were rich.

Sally was willing, even anxious, to do it; but Aleck kept her head

and would not allow it. She said that although the money was as

good as in, it would be as well to wait until it was actually in.

On that policy she took her stand, and would not budge.

The great secret must be kept, she said–kept from the daughters and

everybody else.

The pair were puzzled. They must celebrate, they were determined

to celebrate, but since the secret must be kept, what could

they celebrate? No birthdays were due for three months.

Tilbury wasn’t available, evidently he was going to live forever;

what the nation COULD they celebrate? That was Sally’s way

of putting it; and he was getting impatient, too, and harassed.

But at last he hit it–just by sheer inspiration, as it seemed to him–

and all their troubles were gone in a moment; they would celebrate

the Discovery of America. A splendid idea!

Aleck was almost too proud of Sally for words–she said SHE never would

have thought of it. But Sally, although he was bursting with delight

in the compliment and with wonder at himself, tried not to let on,

and said it wasn’t really anything, anybody could have done it.

Whereat Aleck, with a prideful toss of her happy head, said:

“Oh, certainly! Anybody could–oh, anybody! Hosannah Dilkins,

for instance! Or maybe Adelbert Peanut–oh, DEAR–yes! Well, I’d like

to see them try it, that’s all. Dear-me-suz, if they could think

of the discovery of a forty-acre island it’s more than _I_ believe

they could; and as for the whole continent, why, Sally Foster,

you know perfectly well it would strain the livers and lights

out of them and THEN they couldn’t!”

The dear woman, she knew he had talent; and if affection made

her over-estimate the size of it a little, surely it was a sweet

and gentle crime, and forgivable for its source’s sake.


The celebration went off well. The friends were all present,

both the young and the old. Among the young were Flossie and

Gracie Peanut and their brother Adelbert, who was a rising young

journeyman tinner, also Hosannah Dilkins, Jr., journeyman plasterer,

just out of his apprenticeship. For many months Adelbert and Hosannah

had been showing interest in Gwendolen and Clytemnestra Foster,

and the parents of the girls had noticed this with private satisfaction.

But they suddenly realized now that that feeling had passed.

They recognized that the changed financial conditions had raised

up a social bar between their daughters and the young mechanics.

The daughters could now look higher–and must. Yes, must. They need

marry nothing below the grade of lawyer or merchant; poppa and momma

would take care of this; there must be no m’esalliances.

However, these thinkings and projects of their were private,

and did not show on the surface, and therefore threw no shadow

upon the celebration. What showed upon the surface was a serene

and lofty contentment and a dignity of carriage and gravity of

deportment which compelled the admiration and likewise the wonder

of the company. All noticed it and all commented upon it, but none

was able to divine the secret of it. It was a marvel and a mystery.

Three several persons remarked, without suspecting what clever

shots they were making:

“It’s as if they’d come into property.”

That was just it, indeed.

Most mothers would have taken hold of the matrimonial matter in the

old regulation way; they would have given the girls a talking to,

of a solemn sort and untactful–a lecture calculated to defeat its

own purpose, by producing tears and secret rebellion; and the said

mothers would have further damaged the business by requesting

the young mechanics to discontinue their attentions. But this

mother was different. She was practical. She said nothing to any

of the young people concerned, nor to any one else except Sally.

He listened to her and understood; understood and admired.

He said:

“I get the idea. Instead of finding fault with the samples on view,

thus hurting feelings and obstructing trade without occasion,

you merely offer a higher class of goods for the money, and leave

nature to take her course. It’s wisdom, Aleck, solid wisdom,

and sound as a nut. Who’s your fish? Have you nominated him yet?”

No, she hadn’t. They must look the market over–which they did.

To start with, they considered and discussed Brandish, rising young

lawyer, and Fulton, rising young dentist. Sally must invite them

to dinner. But not right away; there was no hurry, Aleck said.

Keep an eye on the pair, and wait; nothing would be lost by going

slowly in so important a matter.

It turned out that this was wisdom, too; for inside of three

weeks Aleck made a wonderful strike which swelled her imaginary

hundred thousand to four hundred thousand of the same quality.

She and Sally were in the clouds that evening. For the first

time they introduced champagne at dinner. Not real champagne,

but plenty real enough for the amount of imagination expended on it.

It was Sally that did it, and Aleck weakly submitted. At bottom both

were troubled and ashamed, for he was a high-up Son of Temperance,

and at funerals wore an apron which no dog could look upon and retain

his reason and his opinion; and she was a W. C. T. U., with all that

that implies of boiler-iron virtue and unendurable holiness. But there

is was; the pride of riches was beginning its disintegrating work.

They had lived to prove, once more, a sad truth which had been proven

many times before in the world: that whereas principle is a great

and noble protection against showy and degrading vanities and vices,

poverty is worth six of it. More than four hundred thousand

dollars to the good. They took up the matrimonial matter again.

Neither the dentist nor the lawyer was mentioned; there was no occasion,

they were out of the running. Disqualified. They discussed the son

of the pork-packer and the son of the village banker. But finally,

as in the previous case, they concluded to wait and think, and go

cautiously and sure.

Luck came their way again. Aleck, ever watchful saw a great

and risky chance, and took a daring flyer. A time of trembling,

of doubt, of awful uneasiness followed, for non-success meant absolute

ruin and nothing short of it. Then came the result, and Aleck,

faint with joy, could hardly control her voice when she said:

“The suspense is over, Sally–and we are worth a cold million!”

Sally wept for gratitude, and said:

“Oh, Electra, jewel of women, darling of my heart, we are free

at last, we roll in wealth, we need never scrimp again. it’s a

case for Veuve Cliquot!” and he got out a pint of spruce-beer

and made sacrifice, he saying “Damn the expense,” and she rebuking

him gently with reproachful but humid and happy eyes.

They shelved the pork-packer’s son and the banker’s son, and sat

down to consider the Governor’s son and the son of the Congressman.


It were a weariness to follow in detail the leaps and bounds the Foster

fictitious finances took from this time forth. It was marvelous,

it was dizzying, it was dazzling. Everything Aleck touched turned

to fairy gold, and heaped itself glittering toward the firmament.

Millions upon millions poured in, and still the mighty stream flowed

thundering along, still its vast volume increased. Five millions–

ten millions–twenty–thirty–was there never to be an end?

Two years swept by in a splendid delirium, the intoxicated Fosters

scarcely noticing the flight of time. They were now worth three hundred

million dollars; they were in every board of directors of every

prodigious combine in the country; and still as time drifted along,

the millions went on piling up, five at a time, ten at a time,

as fast as they could tally them off, almost. The three hundred

double itself–then doubled again–and yet again–and yet once more.

Twenty-four hundred millions!

The business was getting a little confused. It was necessary

to take an account of stock, and straighten it out. The Fosters

knew it, they felt it, they realized that it was imperative;

but they also knew that to do it properly and perfectly the task

must be carried to a finish without a break when once it was begun.

A ten-hours’ job; and where could THEY find ten leisure hours

in a bunch? Sally was selling pins and sugar and calico all day

and every day; Aleck was cooking and washing dishes and sweeping

and making beds all day and every day, with none to help,

for the daughters were being saved up for high society. The Fosters

knew there was one way to get the ten hours, and only one.

Both were ashamed to name it; each waited for the other to do it.

Finally Sally said:

“Somebody’s got to give in. It’s up to me. Consider that I’ve

named it–never mind pronouncing it out aloud.”

Aleck colored, but was grateful. Without further remark, they fell.

Fell, and–broke the Sabbath. For that was their only free

ten-hour stretch. It was but another step in the downward path.

Others would follow. Vast wealth has temptations which fatally

and surely undermine the moral structure of persons not habituated

to its possession.

They pulled down the shades and broke the Sabbath. With hard

and patient labor they overhauled their holdings and listed them.

And a long-drawn procession of formidable names it was!

Starting with the Railway Systems, Steamer Lines, Standard Oil,

Ocean Cables, Diluted Telegraph, and all the rest, and winding

up with Klondike, De Beers, Tammany Graft, and Shady Privileges

in the Post-office Department.

Twenty-four hundred millions, and all safely planted in Good Things,

gilt-edged and interest-bearing. Income, $120,000,000 a year.

Aleck fetched a long purr of soft delight, and said:

“Is it enough?”

“It is, Aleck.”

“What shall we do?”

“Stand pat.”

“Retire from business?”

“That’s it.”

“I am agreed. The good work is finished; we will take a long rest

and enjoy the money.”

“Good! Aleck!”

“Yes, dear?”

“How much of the income can we spend?”

“The whole of it.”

It seemed to her husband that a ton of chains fell from his limbs.

He did not say a word; he was happy beyond the power of speech.

After that, they broke the Sabbaths right along as fast as they

turned up. It is the first wrong step that counts. Every Sunday

they put in the whole day, after morning service, on inventions–

inventions of ways to spend the money. They got to continuing this

delicious dissipation until past midnight; and at every s’eance Aleck

lavished millions upon great charities and religious enterprises,

and Sally lavished like sums upon matters to which (at first)

he gave definite names. Only at first. Later the names gradually

lost sharpness of outline, and eventually faded into “sundries,”

thus becoming entirely–but safely–undescriptive. For Sally

was crumbling. The placing of these millions added seriously

and most uncomfortably to the family expenses–in tallow candles.

For a while Aleck was worried. Then, after a little, she ceased

to worry, for the occasion of it was gone. She was pained,

she was grieved, she was ashamed; but she said nothing, and so became

an accessory. Sally was taking candles; he was robbing the store.

It is ever thus. Vast wealth, to the person unaccustomed to it,

is a bane; it eats into the flesh and bone of his morals.

When the Fosters were poor, they could have been trusted with

untold candles. But now they–but let us not dwell upon it.

From candles to apples is but a step: Sally got to taking apples;

then soap; then maple-sugar; then canned goods; then crockery.

How easy it is to go from bad to worse, when once we have started upon a

downward course!

Meantime, other effects had been milestoning the course of the Fosters’

splendid financial march. The fictitious brick dwelling had

given place to an imaginary granite one with a checker-board

mansard roof; in time this one disappeared and gave place to a

still grander home–and so on and so on. Mansion after mansion,

made of air, rose, higher, broader, finer, and each in its turn

vanished away; until now in these latter great days, our dreamers

were in fancy housed, in a distant region, in a sumptuous vast

palace which looked out from a leafy summit upon a noble prospect

of vale and river and receding hills steeped in tinted mists–

and all private, all the property of the dreamers; a palace swarming

with liveried servants, and populous with guests of fame and power,

hailing from all the world’s capitals, foreign and domestic.

This palace was far, far away toward the rising sun, immeasurably remote,

astronomically remote, in Newport, Rhode Island, Holy Land

of High Society, ineffable Domain of the American Aristocracy.

As a rule they spent a part of every Sabbath–after morning service–

in this sumptuous home, the rest of it they spent in Europe,

or in dawdling around in their private yacht. Six days of sordid

and plodding fact life at home on the ragged edge of Lakeside

and straitened means, the seventh in Fairlyand–such had been

their program and their habit.

In their sternly restricted fact life they remained as of old–

plodding, diligent, careful, practical, economical. They stuck

loyally to the little Presbyterian Church, and labored faithfully

in its interests and stood by its high and tough doctrines with all

their mental and spiritual energies. But in their dream life they

obeyed the invitations of their fancies, whatever they might be,

and howsoever the fancies might change. Aleck’s fancies were not

very capricious, and not frequent, but Sally’s scattered a good deal.

Aleck, in her dream life, went over to the Episcopal camp, on account

of its large official titles; next she became High-church on account

of the candles and shows; and next she naturally changed to Rome,

where there were cardinals and more candles. But these excursions

were a nothing to Sally’s. His dream life was a glowing and continuous

and persistent excitement, and he kept every part of it fresh and

sparkling by frequent changes, the religious part along with the rest.

He worked his religions hard, and changed them with his shirt.

The liberal spendings of the Fosters upon their fancies began

early in their prosperities, and grew in prodigality step by step

with their advancing fortunes. In time they became truly enormous.

Aleck built a university or two per Sunday; also a hospital or two;

also a Rowton hotel or so; also a batch of churches; now and then

a cathedral; and once, with untimely and ill-chosen playfulness,

Sally said, “It was a cold day when she didn’t ship a cargo of

missionaries to persuade unreflecting Chinamen to trade off twenty-four

carat Confucianism for counterfeit Christianity.”

This rude and unfeeling language hurt Aleck to the heart, and she

went from the presence crying. That spectacle went to his own heart,

and in his pain and shame he would have given worlds to have

those unkind words back. She had uttered no syllable of reproach–

and that cut him. Not one suggestion that he look at his own record–

and she could have made, oh, so many, and such blistering ones!

Her generous silence brought a swift revenge, for it turned his

thoughts upon himself, it summoned before him a spectral procession,

a moving vision of his life as he had been leading it these past

few years of limitless prosperity, and as he sat there reviewing

it his cheeks burned and his soul was steeped in humiliation.

Look at her life–how fair it was, and tending ever upward; and look

at his own–how frivolous, how charged with mean vanities, how selfish,

how empty, how ignoble! And its trend–never upward, but downward,

ever downward!

He instituted comparisons between her record and his own. He had found

fault with her–so he mused–HE! And what could he say for himself?

When she built her first church what was he doing? Gathering other

blas’e multimillionaires into a Poker Club; defiling his own palace

with it; losing hundreds of thousands to it at every sitting,

and sillily vain of the admiring notoriety it made for him.

When she was building her first university, what was he doing?

Polluting himself with a gay and dissipated secret life in the

company of other fast bloods, multimillionaires in money and paupers

in character. When she was building her first foundling asylum,

what was he doing? Alas! When she was projecting her noble Society

for the Purifying of the Sex, what was he doing? Ah, what, indeed!

When she and the W. C. T. U. and the Woman with the Hatchet,

moving with resistless march, were sweeping the fatal bottle from

the land, what was he doing? Getting drunk three times a day.

When she, builder of a hundred cathedrals, was being gratefully

welcomed and blest in papal Rome and decorated with the Golden Rose

which she had so honorably earned, what was he doing? Breaking the

bank at Monte Carlo.

He stopped. He could go no farther; he could not bear the rest.

He rose up, with a great resolution upon his lips: this secret

life should be revealing, and confessed; no longer would he live

it clandestinely, he would go and tell her All.

And that is what he did. He told her All; and wept upon

her bosom; wept, and moaned, and begged for her forgiveness.

It was a profound shock, and she staggered under the blow, but he

was her own, the core of her heart, the blessing of her eyes,

her all in all, she could deny him nothing, and she forgave him.

She felt that he could never again be quite to her what he had

been before; she knew that he could only repent, and not reform;

yet all morally defaced and decayed as he was, was he not her own,

her very own, the idol of her deathless worship? She said she

was his serf, his slave, and she opened her yearning heart and took

him in.


One Sunday afternoon some time after this they were sailing the

summer seas in their dream yacht, and reclining in lazy luxury under

the awning of the after-deck. There was silence, for each was busy

with his own thoughts. These seasons of silence had insensibly

been growing more and more frequent of late; the old nearness and

cordiality were waning. Sally’s terrible revelation had done its work;

Aleck had tried hard to drive the memory of it out of her mind,

but it would not go, and the shame and bitterness of it were

poisoning her gracious dream life. She could see now (on Sundays)

that her husband was becoming a bloated and repulsive Thing.

She could not close her eyes to this, and in these days she

no longer looked at him, Sundays, when she could help it.

But she–was she herself without blemish? Alas, she knew she was not.

She was keeping a secret from him, she was acting dishonorably

toward him, and many a pang it was costing her. SHE WAS BREAKING


she had gone into business again; she had risked their whole

fortune in a purchase of all the railway systems and coal and steel

companies in the country on a margin, and she was now trembling,

every Sabbath hour, lest through some chance word of hers he find

it out. In her misery and remorse for this treachery she could

not keep her heart from going out to him in pity; she was filled

with compunctions to see him lying there, drunk and contented,

and ever suspecting. Never suspecting–trusting her with a perfect

and pathetic trust, and she holding over him by a thread a possible

calamity of so devastating a–


The interrupting words brought her suddenly to herself. She was

grateful to have that persecuting subject from her thoughts,

and she answered, with much of the old-time tenderness in her tone:

“Yes, dear.”

“Do you know, Aleck, I think we are making a mistake–that is,

you are. I mean about the marriage business.” He sat up, fat and

froggy and benevolent, like a bronze Buddha, and grew earnest.

“Consider–it’s more than five years. You’ve continued the same

policy from the start: with every rise, always holding on for five

points higher. Always when I think we are going to have some weddings,

you see a bigger thing ahead, and I undergo another disappointment.

_I_ think you are too hard to please. Some day we’ll get left.

First, we turned down the dentist and the lawyer. That was all right–

it was sound. Next, we turned down the banker’s son and the

pork-butcher’s heir–right again, and sound. Next, we turned

down the Congressman’s son and the Governor’s–right as a trivet,

I confess it. Next the Senator’s son and the son of the Vice-President

of the United States–perfectly right, there’s no permanency about

those little distinctions. Then you went for the aristocracy;

and I thought we had struck oil at last–yes. We would make

a plunge at the Four Hundred, and pull in some ancient lineage,

venerable, holy, ineffable, mellow with the antiquity of a hundred

and fifty years, disinfected of the ancestral odors of salt-cod

and pelts all of a century ago, and unsmirched by a day’s work since,

and then! why, then the marriages, of course. But no, along comes

a pair a real aristocrats from Europe, and straightway you throw over

the half-breeds. It was awfully discouraging, Aleck! Since then,

what a procession! You turned down the baronets for a pair

of barons; you turned down the barons for a pair of viscounts;

the viscounts for a pair of earls; the earls for a pair of marquises;

the marquises for a brace of dukes. NOW, Aleck, cash in!–

you’ve played the limit. You’ve got a job lot of four dukes

under the hammer; of four nationalities; all sound in the wind

and limb and pedigree, all bankrupt and in debt up to the ears.

They come high, but we can afford it. Come, Aleck, don’t delay

any longer, don’t keep up the suspense: take the whole lay-out,

and leave the girls to choose!”

Aleck had been smiling blandly and contentedly all through this

arraignment of her marriage policy, a pleasant light, as of triumph

with perhaps a nice surprise peeping out through it, rose in her eyes,

and she said, as calmly as she could:

“Sally, what would you say to–ROYALTY?”

Prodigious! Poor man, it knocked him silly, and he fell over the

garboard-strake and barked his shin on the cat-heads. He was dizzy

for a moment, then he gathered himself up and limped over and sat

down by his wife and beamed his old-time admiration and affection

upon her in floods, out of his bleary eyes.

“By George!” he said, fervently, “Aleck, you ARE great–the greatest

woman in the whole earth! I can’t ever learn the whole size of you.

I can’t ever learn the immeasurable deeps of you. Here I’ve been

considering myself qualified to criticize your game. _I!_ Why,

if I had stopped to think, I’d have known you had a lone hand up

your sleeve. Now, dear heart, I’m all red-hot impatience–tell me

about it!”

The flattered and happy woman put her lips to his ear and whispered

a princely name. It made him catch his breath, it lit his face

with exultation.

“Land!” he said, “it’s a stunning catch! He’s got a gambling-hall,

and a graveyard, and a bishop, and a cathedral–all his very own.

And all gilt-edged five-hundred-per-cent. stock, every detail of it;

the tidiest little property in Europe. and that graveyard–

it’s the selectest in the world: none but suicides admitted;

YES, sir, and the free-list suspended, too, ALL the time.

There isn’t much land in the principality, but there’s enough:

eight hundred acres in the graveyard and forty-two outside.

It’s a SOVEREIGNTY–that’s the main thing; LAND’S nothing.

There’s plenty land, Sahara’s drugged with it.”

Aleck glowed; she was profoundly happy. She said:

“Think of it, Sally–it is a family that has never married outside

the Royal and Imperial Houses of Europe: our grandchildren will

sit upon thrones!”

“True as you live, Aleck–and bear scepters, too; and handle

them as naturally and nonchantly as I handle a yardstick.

it’s a grand catch, Aleck. He’s corralled, is he? Can’t get away?

You didn’t take him on a margin?”

“No. Trust me for that. He’s not a liability, he’s an asset.

So is the other one.”

“Who is it, Aleck?”

“His Royal Highness


Blutwurst, Hereditary Grant Duke of Katzenyammer.”

“No! You can’t mean it!”

“It’s as true as I’m sitting here, I give you my word,” she answered.

His cup was full, and he hugged her to his heart with rapture, saying:

“How wonderful it all seems, and how beautiful! It’s one of the

oldest and noblest of the three hundred and sixty-four ancient

German principalities, and one of the few that was allowed to

retain its royal estate when Bismarck got done trimming them.

I know that farm, I’ve been there. It’s got a rope-walk and a

candle-factory and an army. Standing army. Infantry and cavalry.

Three soldier and a horse. Aleck, it’s been a long wait, and full

of heartbreak and hope deferred, but God knows I am happy now.

Happy, and grateful to you, my own, who have done it all.

When is it to be?”

“Next Sunday.”

“Good. And we’ll want to do these weddings up in the very regalest

style that’s going. It’s properly due to the royal quality of the

parties of the first part. Now as I understand it, there is only one

kind of marriage that is sacred to royalty, exclusive to royalty:

it’s the morganatic.”

“What do they call it that for, Sally?”

“I don’t know; but anyway it’s royal, and royal only.”

“Then we will insist upon it. More–I will compel it.

It is morganatic marriage or none.”

“That settles it!” said Sally, rubbing his hands with delight.

“And it will be the very first in America. Aleck, it will make

Newport sick.”

Then they fell silent, and drifted away upon their dream wings

to the far regions of the earth to invite all the crowned heads

and their families and provide gratis transportation to them.


During three days the couple walked upon air, with their heads in

the clouds. They were but vaguely conscious of their surroundings;

they saw all things dimly, as through a veil; they were steeped

in dreams, often they did not hear when they were spoken to;

they often did not understand when they heard; they answered confusedly

or at random; Sally sold molasses by weight, sugar by the yard,

and furnished soap when asked for candles, and Aleck put the cat

in the wash and fed milk to the soiled linen. Everybody was stunned

and amazed, and went about muttering, “What CAN be the matter

with the Fosters?”

Three days. Then came events! Things had taken a happy turn,

and for forty-eight hours Aleck’s imaginary corner had been booming.

Up–up–still up! Cost point was passed. Still up–and up–

and up! Cost point was passed. STill up–and up–and up!

Five points above cost–then ten–fifteen–twenty! Twenty points

cold profit on the vast venture, now, and Aleck’s imaginary brokers

were shouting frantically by imaginary long-distance, “Sell! sell!

for Heaven’s sake SELL!”

She broke the splendid news to Sally, and he, too, said,

“Sell! sell–oh, don’t make a blunder, now, you own the earth!–

sell, sell!” But she set her iron will and lashed it amidships,

and said she would hold on for five points more if she died for it.

It was a fatal resolve. The very next day came the historic crash,

the record crash, the devastating crash, when the bottom fell out

of Wall Street, and the whole body of gilt-edged stocks dropped

ninety-five points in five hours, and the multimillionaire was seen

begging his bread in the Bowery. Aleck sternly held her grip

and “put up” ass long as she could, but at last there came a call

which she was powerless to meet, and her imaginary brokers sold

her out. Then, and not till then, the man in her was vanished,

and the woman in her resumed sway. She put her arms about her

husband’s neck and wept, saying:

“I am to blame, do not forgive me, I cannot bear it. We are paupers!

Paupers, and I am so miserable. The weddings will never come off;

all that is past; we could not even buy the dentist, now.”

A bitter reproach was on Sally’s tongue: “I BEGGED you to sell,

but you–” He did not say it; he had not the heart to add a hurt

to that broken and repentant spirit. A nobler thought came to him

and he said:

“Bear up, my Aleck, all is not lost! You really never invested

a penny of my uncle’s bequest, but only its unmaterialized future;

what we have lost was only the incremented harvest from that future

by your incomparable financial judgment and sagacity. Cheer up,

banish these griefs; we still have the thirty thousand untouched;

and with the experience which you have acquired, think what you will

be able to do with it in a couple years! The marriages are not off,

they are only postponed.”

These are blessed words. Aleck saw how true they were, and their

influence was electric; her tears ceased to flow, and her great spirit

rose to its full stature again. With flashing eye and grateful heart,

and with hand uplifted in pledge and prophecy, she said:

“Now and here I proclaim–”

But she was interrupted by a visitor. It was the editor and proprietor

of the SAGAMORE. He had happened into Lakeside to pay a duty-call upon

an obscure grandmother of his who was nearing the end of her pilgrimage,

and with the idea of combining business with grief he had looked up

the Fosters, who had been so absorbed in other things for the past

four years that they neglected to pay up their subscription.

Six dollars due. No visitor could have been more welcome. He would

know all about Uncle Tilbury and what his chances might be getting

to be, cemeterywards. They could, of course, ask no questions,

for that would squelch the bequest, but they could nibble around on

the edge of the subject and hope for results. The scheme did not work.

The obtuse editor did not know he was being nibbled at; but at last,

chance accomplished what art had failed in. In illustration of something

under discussion which required the help of metaphor, the editor said:

“Land, it’s a tough as Tilbury Foster!–as WE say.”

It was sudden, and it made the Fosters jump. The editor noticed,

and said, apologetically:

“No harm intended, I assure you. It’s just a saying; just a joke,

you know–nothing of it. Relation of yours?”

Sally crowded his burning eagerness down, and answered with all

the indifference he could assume:

“I–well, not that I know of, but we’ve heard of him.” The editor

was thankful, and resumed his composure. Sally added: “Is he–

is he–well?”

“Is he WELL? Why, bless you he’s in Sheol these five years!”

The Fosters were trembling with grief, though it felt like joy.

Sally said, non-committally–and tentatively:

“Ah, well, such is life, and none can escape–not even the rich

are spared.”

The editor laughed.

“If you are including Tilbury,” said he, “it don’t apply.

HE hadn’t a cent; the town had to bury him.”

The Fosters sat petrified for two minutes; petrified and cold.

Then, white-faced and weak-voiced, Sally asked:

“Is it true? Do you KNOW it to be true?”

“Well, I should say! I was one of the executors. He hadn’t

anything to leave but a wheelbarrow, and he left that to me.

It hadn’t any wheel, and wasn’t any good. Still, it was something,

and so, to square up, I scribbled off a sort of a little obituarial

send-off for him, but it got crowded out.”

The Fosters were not listening–their cup was full, it could

contain no more. They sat with bowed heads, dead to all things

but the ache at their hearts.

An hour later. Still they sat there, bowed, motionless, silent,

the visitor long ago gone, they unaware.

Then they stirred, and lifted their heads wearily, and gazed at each

other wistfully, dreamily, dazed; then presently began to twaddle

to each other in a wandering and childish way. At intervals they

lapsed into silences, leaving a sentence unfinished, seemingly either

unaware of it or losing their way. Sometimes, when they woke

out of these silences they had a dim and transient consciousness

that something had happened to their minds; then with a dumb

and yearning solicitude they would softly caress each other’s

hands in mutual compassion and support, as if they would say:

“I am near you, I will not forsake you, we will bear it together;

somewhere there is release and forgetfulness, somewhere there

is a grave and peace; be patient, it will not be long.”

They lived yet two years, in mental night, always brooding,

steeped in vague regrets and melancholy dreams, never speaking;

then release came to both on the same day.

Toward the end the darkness lifted from Sally’s ruined mind

for a moment, and he said:

“Vast wealth, acquired by sudden and unwholesome means, is a snare.

It did us no good, transient were its feverish pleasures;

yet for its sake we threw away our sweet and simple and happy life–

let others take warning by us.”

He lay silent awhile, with closed eyes; then as the chill of death

crept upward toward his heart, and consciousness was fading from

his brain, he muttered:

“Money had brought him misery, and he took his revenge upon us,

who had done him no harm. He had his desire: with base and cunning

calculation he left us but thirty thousand, knowing we would try

to increase it, and ruin our life and break our hearts. Without added

expense he could have left us far above desire of increase, far above

the temptation to speculate, and a kinder soul would have done it;

but in him was no generous spirit, no pity, no–”




My father was a St. Bernard, my mother was a collie, but I am

a Presbyterian. This is what my mother told me, I do not know

these nice distinctions myself. To me they are only fine large

words meaning nothing. My mother had a fondness for such;

she liked to say them, and see other dogs look surprised and envious,

as wondering how she got so much education. But, indeed, it was not

real education; it was only show: she got the words by listening

in the dining-room and drawing-room when there was company,

and by going with the children to Sunday-school and listening there;

and whenever she heard a large word she said it over to herself

many times, and so was able to keep it until there was a dogmatic

gathering in the neighborhood, then she would get it off,

and surprise and distress them all, from pocket-pup to mastiff,

which rewarded her for all her trouble. If there was a stranger

he was nearly sure to be suspicious, and when he got his breath

again he would ask her what it meant. And she always told him.

He was never expecting this but thought he would catch her;

so when she told him, he was the one that looked ashamed,

whereas he had thought it was going to be she. The others were

always waiting for this, and glad of it and proud of her, for they

knew what was going to happen, because they had had experience.

When she told the meaning of a big word they were all so taken up

with admiration that it never occurred to any dog to doubt if it

was the right one; and that was natural, because, for one thing,

she answered up so promptly that it seemed like a dictionary speaking,

and for another thing, where could they find out whether it was right

or not? for she was the only cultivated dog there was. By and by,

when I was older, she brought home the word Unintellectual, one time,

and worked it pretty hard all the week at different gatherings,

making much unhappiness and despondency; and it was at this time

that I noticed that during that week she was asked for the meaning

at eight different assemblages, and flashed out a fresh definition

every time, which showed me that she had more presence of mind

than culture, though I said nothing, of course. She had one word

which she always kept on hand, and ready, like a life-preserver,

a kind of emergency word to strap on when she was likely to get

washed overboard in a sudden way–that was the word Synonymous.

When she happened to fetch out a long word which had had its day

weeks before and its prepared meanings gone to her dump-pile,

if there was a stranger there of course it knocked him groggy for

a couple of minutes, then he would come to, and by that time she

would be away down wind on another tack, and not expecting anything;

so when he’d hail and ask her to cash in, I (the only dog on

the inside of her game) could see her canvas flicker a moment–

but only just a moment–then it would belly out taut and full,

and she would say, as calm as a summer’s day, “It’s synonymous

with supererogation,” or some godless long reptile of a word

like that, and go placidly about and skim away on the next tack,

perfectly comfortable, you know, and leave that stranger looking

profane and embarrassed, and the initiated slatting the floor

with their tails in unison and their faces transfigured with a

holy joy.

And it was the same with phrases. She would drag home a whole phrase,

if it had a grand sound, and play it six nights and two matinees,

and explain it a new way every time–which she had to, for all she

cared for was the phrase; she wasn’t interested in what it meant,

and knew those dogs hadn’t wit enough to catch her, anyway.

Yes, she was a daisy! She got so she wasn’t afraid of anything,

she had such confidence in the ignorance of those creatures.

She even brought anecdotes that she had heard the family and the

dinner-guests laugh and shout over; and as a rule she got the nub

of one chestnut hitched onto another chestnut, where, of course,

it didn’t fit and hadn’t any point; and when she delivered the nub

she fell over and rolled on the floor and laughed and barked

in the most insane way, while I could see that she was wondering

to herself why it didn’t seem as funny as it did when she first

heard it. But no harm was done; the others rolled and barked too,

privately ashamed of themselves for not seeing the point, and never

suspecting that the fault was not with them and there wasn’t any

to see.

You can see by these things that she was of a rather vain and

frivolous character; still, she had virtues, and enough to make up,

I think. She had a kind heart and gentle ways, and never harbored

resentments for injuries done her, but put them easily out of her

mind and forgot them; and she taught her children her kindly way,

and from her we learned also to be brave and prompt in time of danger,

and not to run away, but face the peril that threatened friend

or stranger, and help him the best we could without stopping to think

what the cost might be to us. And she taught us not by words only,

but by example, and that is the best way and the surest and the

most lasting. Why, the brave things she did, the splendid things! she

was just a soldier; and so modest about it–well, you couldn’t help

admiring her, and you couldn’t help imitating her; not even a King

Charles spaniel could remain entirely despicable in her society.

So, as you see, there was more to her than her education.


When I was well grown, at last, I was sold and taken away,

and I never saw her again. She was broken-hearted, and so was I,

and we cried; but she comforted me as well as she could, and said

we were sent into this world for a wise and good purpose, and must

do our duties without repining, take our life as we might find it,

live it for the best good of others, and never mind about the results;

they were not our affair. She said men who did like this would have

a noble and beautiful reward by and by in another world, and although

we animals would not go there, to do well and right without reward

would give to our brief lives a worthiness and dignity which in

itself would be a reward. She had gathered these things from time

to time when she had gone to the Sunday-school with the children,

and had laid them up in her memory more carefully than she had done

with those other words and phrases; and she had studied them deeply,

for her good and ours. One may see by this that she had a wise

and thoughtful head, for all there was so much lightness and vanity

in it.

So we said our farewells, and looked our last upon each other through

our tears; and the last thing she said–keeping it for the last

to make me remember it the better, I think–was, “In memory of me,

when there is a time of danger to another do not think of yourself,

think of your mother, and do as she would do.”

Do you think I could forget that? No.


It was such a charming home!–my new one; a fine great house,

with pictures, and delicate decorations, and rich furniture,

and no gloom anywhere, but all the wilderness of dainty colors lit up

with flooding sunshine; and the spacious grounds around it, and the

great garden–oh, greensward, and noble trees, and flowers, no end!

And I was the same as a member of the family; and they loved me,

and petted me, and did not give me a new name, but called me by my

old one that was dear to me because my mother had given it me–

Aileen Mavoureen. She got it out of a song; and the Grays knew

that song, and said it was a beautiful name.

Mrs. Gray was thirty, and so sweet and so lovely, you cannot

imagine it; and Sadie was ten, and just like her mother, just a

darling slender little copy of her, with auburn tails down her back,

and short frocks; and the baby was a year old, and plump and dimpled,

and fond of me, and never could get enough of hauling on my tail,

and hugging me, and laughing out its innocent happiness; and Mr. Gray

was thirty-eight, and tall and slender and handsome, a little bald

in front, alert, quick in his movements, business-like, prompt,

decided, unsentimental, and with that kind of trim-chiseled face

that just seems to glint and sparkle with frosty intellectuality!

He was a renowned scientist. I do not know what the word means,

but my mother would know how to use it and get effects. She would

know how to depress a rat-terrier with it and make a lap-dog

look sorry he came. But that is not the best one; the best one

was Laboratory. My mother could organize a Trust on that one that

would skin the tax-collars off the whole herd. The laboratory

was not a book, or a picture, or a place to wash your hands in,

as the college president’s dog said–no, that is the lavatory;

the laboratory is quite different, and is filled with jars,

and bottles, and electrics, and wires, and strange machines;

and every week other scientists came there and sat in the place,

and used the machines, and discussed, and made what they called

experiments and discoveries; and often I came, too, and stood

around and listened, and tried to learn, for the sake of my mother,

and in loving memory of her, although it was a pain to me, as realizing

what she was losing out of her life and I gaining nothing at all;

for try as I might, I was never able to make anything out of it

at all.

Other times I lay on the floor in the mistress’s work-room and slept,

she gently using me for a foot-stool, knowing it pleased me,

for it was a caress; other times I spent an hour in the nursery,

and got well tousled and made happy; other times I watched by the

crib there, when the baby was asleep and the nurse out for a few

minutes on the baby’s affairs; other times I romped and raced

through the grounds and the garden with Sadie till we were tired out,

then slumbered on the grass in the shade of a tree while she read

her book; other times I went visiting among the neighbor dogs–

for there were some most pleasant ones not far away, and one very

handsome and courteous and graceful one, a curly-haired Irish

setter by the name of Robin Adair, who was a Presbyterian like me,

and belonged to the Scotch minister.

The servants in our house were all kind to me and were fond of me,

and so, as you see, mine was a pleasant life. There could not be

a happier dog that I was, nor a gratefuler one. I will say this

for myself, for it is only the truth: I tried in all ways to do

well and right, and honor my mother’s memory and her teachings,

and earn the happiness that had come to me, as best I could.

By and by came my little puppy, and then my cup was full, my happiness

was perfect. It was the dearest little waddling thing, and so smooth

and soft and velvety, and had such cunning little awkward paws,

and such affectionate eyes, and such a sweet and innocent face;

and it made me so proud to see how the children and their mother

adored it, and fondled it, and exclaimed over every little wonderful

thing it did. It did seem to me that life was just too lovely to–

Then came the winter. One day I was standing a watch in the nursery.

That is to say, I was asleep on the bed. The baby was asleep in

the crib, which was alongside the bed, on the side next the fireplace.

It was the kind of crib that has a lofty tent over it made of gauzy

stuff that you can see through. The nurse was out, and we two

sleepers were alone. A spark from the wood-fire was shot out, and it

lit on the slope of the tent. I suppose a quiet interval followed,

then a scream from the baby awoke me, and there was that tent

flaming up toward the ceiling! Before I could think, I sprang

to the floor in my fright, and in a second was half-way to the door;

but in the next half-second my mother’s farewell was sounding

in my ears, and I was back on the bed again., I reached my head

through the flames and dragged the baby out by the waist-band,

and tugged it along, and we fell to the floor together in a cloud

of smoke; I snatched a new hold, and dragged the screaming little

creature along and out at the door and around the bend of the hall,

and was still tugging away, all excited and happy and proud,

when the master’s voice shouted:

“Begone you cursed beast!” and I jumped to save myself; but he

was furiously quick, and chased me up, striking furiously at me

with his cane, I dodging this way and that, in terror, and at last a

strong blow fell upon my left foreleg, which made me shriek and fall,

for the moment, helpless; the came went up for another blow,

but never descended, for the nurse’s voice rang wildly out,

“The nursery’s on fire!” and the master rushed away in that direction,

and my other bones were saved.

The pain was cruel, but, no matter, I must not lose any time;

he might come back at any moment; so I limped on three legs to the

other end of the hall, where there was a dark little stairway leading

up into a garret where old boxes and such things were kept, as I had

heard say, and where people seldom went. I managed to climb up there,

then I searched my way through the dark among the piles of things,

and hid in the secretest place I could find. It was foolish to be

afraid there, yet still I was; so afraid that I held in and hardly

even whimpered, though it would have been such a comfort to whimper,

because that eases the pain, you know. But I could lick my leg,

and that did some good.

For half an hour there was a commotion downstairs, and shoutings,

and rushing footsteps, and then there was quiet again. Quiet for

some minutes, and that was grateful to my spirit, for then my fears

began to go down; and fears are worse than pains–oh, much worse.

Then came a sound that froze me. They were calling me–calling me

by name–hunting for me!

It was muffled by distance, but that could not take the terror out of it,

and it was the most dreadful sound to me that I had ever heard.

It went all about, everywhere, down there: along the halls, through all

the rooms, in both stories, and in the basement and the cellar;

then outside, and farther and farther away–then back, and all

about the house again, and I thought it would never, never stop.

But at last it did, hours and hours after the vague twilight of

the garret had long ago been blotted out by black darkness.

Then in that blessed stillness my terrors fell little by little away,

and I was at peace and slept. It was a good rest I had, but I woke

before the twilight had come again. I was feeling fairly comfortable,

and I could think out a plan now. I made a very good one;

which was, to creep down, all the way down the back stairs,

and hide behind the cellar door, and slip out and escape when the

iceman came at dawn, while he was inside filling the refrigerator;

then I would hide all day, and start on my journey when night came;

my journey to–well, anywhere where they would not know me and betray

me to the master. I was feeling almost cheerful now; then suddenly

I thought: Why, what would life be without my puppy!

That was despair. There was no plan for me; I saw that;

I must say where I was; stay, and wait, and take what might come–

it was not my affair; that was what life is–my mother had said it.

Then–well, then the calling began again! All my sorrows came back.

I said to myself, the master will never forgive. I did not know

what I had done to make him so bitter and so unforgiving, yet I

judged it was something a dog could not understand, but which was

clear to a man and dreadful.

They called and called–days and nights, it seemed to me.

So long that the hunger and thirst near drove me mad, and I

recognized that I was getting very weak. When you are this way you

sleep a great deal, and I did. Once I woke in an awful fright–

it seemed to me that the calling was right there in the garret!

And so it was: it was Sadie’s voice, and she was crying; my name

was falling from her lips all broken, poor thing, and I could not

believe my ears for the joy of it when I heard her say:

“Come back to us–oh, come back to us, and forgive–it is all so sad

without our–”

I broke in with SUCH a grateful little yelp, and the next moment

Sadie was plunging and stumbling through the darkness and the lumber

and shouting for the family to hear, “She’s found, she’s found!”

The days that followed–well, they were wonderful. The mother

and Sadie and the servants–why, they just seemed to worship me.

They couldn’t seem to make me a bed that was fine enough;

and as for food, they couldn’t be satisfied with anything but game

and delicacies that were out of season; and every day the friends

and neighbors flocked in to hear about my heroism–that was the

name they called it by, and it means agriculture. I remember my

mother pulling it on a kennel once, and explaining it in that way,

but didn’t say what agriculture was, except that it was synonymous

with intramural incandescence; and a dozen times a day Mrs. Gray

and Sadie would tell the tale to new-comers, and say I risked my life

to say the baby’s, and both of us had burns to prove it, and then

the company would pass me around and pet me and exclaim about me,

and you could see the pride in the eyes of Sadie and her mother;

and when the people wanted to know what made me limp, they looked

ashamed and changed the subject, and sometimes when people hunted

them this way and that way with questions about it, it looked to me

as if they were going to cry.

And this was not all the glory; no, the master’s friends came,

a whole twenty of the most distinguished people, and had me in

the laboratory, and discussed me as if I was a kind of discovery;

and some of them said it was wonderful in a dumb beast, the finest

exhibition of instinct they could call to mind; but the master said,

with vehemence, “It’s far above instinct; it’s REASON, and many a man,

privileged to be saved and go with you and me to a better world

by right of its possession, has less of it that this poor silly

quadruped that’s foreordained to perish”; and then he laughed,

and said: “Why, look at me–I’m a sarcasm! bless you, with all

my grand intelligence, the only think I inferred was that the dog

had gone mad and was destroying the child, whereas but for the

beast’s intelligence–it’s REASON, I tell you!–the child would

have perished!”

They disputed and disputed, and _I_ was the very center of subject

of it all, and I wished my mother could know that this grand honor

had come to me; it would have made her proud.

Then they discussed optics, as they called it, and whether a certain

injury to the brain would produce blindness or not, but they could

not agree about it, and said they must test it by experiment by and by;

and next they discussed plants, and that interested me, because in

the summer Sadie and I had planted seeds–I helped her dig the holes,

you know–and after days and days a little shrub or a flower came

up there, and it was a wonder how that could happen; but it did,

and I wished I could talk–I would have told those people about it

and shown then how much I knew, and been all alive with the subject;

but I didn’t care for the optics; it was dull, and when the came back

to it again it bored me, and I went to sleep.

Pretty soon it was spring, and sunny and pleasant and lovely,

and the sweet mother and the children patted me and the puppy

good-by, and went away on a journey and a visit to their kin,

and the master wasn’t any company for us, but we played together

and had good times, and the servants were kind and friendly,

so we got along quite happily and counted the days and waited

for the family.

And one day those men came again, and said, now for the test,

and they took the puppy to the laboratory, and I limped

three-leggedly along, too, feeling proud, for any attention shown

to the puppy was a pleasure to me, of course. They discussed

and experimented, and then suddenly the puppy shrieked,

and they set him on the floor, and he went staggering around,

with his head all bloody, and the master clapped his hands and shouted:

“There, I’ve won–confess it! He’s a blind as a bat!”

And they all said:

“It’s so–you’ve proved your theory, and suffering humanity owes

you a great debt from henceforth,” and they crowded around him,

and wrung his hand cordially and thankfully, and praised him.

But I hardly saw or heard these things, for I ran at once to my

little darling, and snuggled close to it where it lay, and licked

the blood, and it put its head against mine, whimpering softly,

and I knew in my heart it was a comfort to it in its pain and

trouble to feel its mother’s touch, though it could not see me.

Then it dropped down, presently, and its little velvet nose rested

upon the floor, and it was still, and did not move any more.

Soon the master stopped discussing a moment, and rang in the footman,

and said, “Bury it in the far corner of the garden,” and then went

on with the discussion, and I trotted after the footman, very happy

and grateful, for I knew the puppy was out of its pain now, because it

was asleep. We went far down the garden to the farthest end,

where the children and the nurse and the puppy and I used to play

in the summer in the shade of a great elm, and there the footman dug

a hole, and I saw he was going to plant the puppy, and I was glad,

because it would grow and come up a fine handsome dog, like Robin Adair,

and be a beautiful surprise for the family when they came home;

so I tried to help him dig, but my lame leg was no good, being stiff,

you know, and you have to have two, or it is no use. When the

footman had finished and covered little Robin up, he patted my head,

and there were tears in his eyes, and he said: “Poor little doggie,

you saved HIS child!”

I have watched two whole weeks, and he doesn’t come up! This last week

a fright has been stealing upon me. I think there is something terrible

about this. I do not know what it is, but the fear makes me sick,

and I cannot eat, though the servants bring me the best of food;

and they pet me so, and even come in the night, and cry, and say,

“Poor doggie–do give it up and come home; DON’t break our hearts!”

and all this terrifies me the more, and makes me sure something

has happened. And I am so weak; since yesterday I cannot stand on my

feet anymore. And within this hour the servants, looking toward the

sun where it was sinking out of sight and the night chill coming on,

said things I could not understand, but they carried something cold

to my heart.

“Those poor creatures! They do not suspect. They will come home

in the morning, and eagerly ask for the little doggie that did

the brave deed, and who of us will be strong enough to say the truth

to them: ‘The humble little friend is gone where go the beasts

that perish.'”




“You told a LIE?”

“You confess it–you actually confess it–you told a lie!”


The family consisted of four persons: Margaret Lester, widow,

aged thirty six; Helen Lester, her daughter, aged sixteen;

Mrs. Lester’s maiden aunts, Hannah and Hester Gray, twins, aged

sixty-seven. Waking and sleeping, the three women spent their days

and night in adoring the young girl; in watching the movements

of her sweet spirit in the mirror of her face; in refreshing their

souls with the vision of her bloom and beauty; in listening to the

music of her voice; in gratefully recognizing how rich and fair

for them was the world with this presence in it; in shuddering

to think how desolate it would be with this light gone out of it.

By nature–and inside–the aged aunts were utterly dear and lovable

and good, but in the matter of morals and conduct their training

had been so uncompromisingly strict that it had made them

exteriorly austere, not to say stern. Their influence was effective

in the house; so effective that the mother and the daughter

conformed to its moral and religious requirements cheerfully,

contentedly, happily, unquestionably. To do this was become

second nature to them. And so in this peaceful heaven there

were no clashings, no irritations, no fault-finding, no heart-burnings.

In it a lie had no place. In it a lie was unthinkable.

In it speech was restricted to absolute truth, iron-bound truth,

implacable and uncompromising truth, let the resulting consequences

be what they might. At last, one day, under stress of circumstances,

the darling of the house sullied her lips with a lie–and confessed it,

with tears and self-upbraidings. There are not any words that can paint

the consternation of the aunts. It was as if the sky had crumpled

up and collapsed and the earth had tumbled to ruin with a crash.

They sat side by side, white and stern, gazing speechless upon

the culprit, who was on her knees before them with her face

buried first in one lap and then the other, moaning and sobbing,

and appealing for sympathy and forgiveness and getting no response,

humbly kissing the hand of the one, then of the other, only to see

it withdrawn as suffering defilement by those soiled lips.

Twice, at intervals, Aunt Hester said, in frozen amazement:

“You told a LIE?”

Twice, at intervals, Aunt Hannah followed with the muttered

and amazed ejaculation:

“You confess it–you actually confess it–you told a lie!”

It was all they could say. The situation was new, unheard of,

incredible; they could not understand it, they did not know

how to take hold of it, it approximately paralyzed speech.

At length it was decided that the erring child must be taken to

her mother, who was ill, and who ought to know what had happened.

Helen begged, besought, implored that she might be spared this

further disgrace, and that her mother might be spared the grief

and pain of it; but this could not be: duty required this sacrifice,

duty takes precedence of all things, nothing can absolve one from

a duty, with a duty no compromise is possible.

Helen still begged, and said the sin was her own, her mother had

had no hand in it–why must she be made to suffer for it?

But the aunts were obdurate in their righteousness, and said the

law that visited the sins of the parent upon the child was by all

right and reason reversible; and therefore it was but just that the

innocent mother of a sinning child should suffer her rightful share

of the grief and pain and shame which were the allotted wages of the sin.

The three moved toward the sick-room.

At this time the doctor was approaching the house. He was still

a good distance away, however. He was a good doctor and a good man,

and he had a good heart, but one had to know him a year to get

over hating him, two years to learn to endure him, three to learn

to like him, and four and five to learn to live him. It was a slow

and trying education, but it paid. He was of great stature; he had

a leonine head, a leonine face, a rough voice, and an eye which was

sometimes a pirate’s and sometimes a woman’s, according to the mood.

He knew nothing about etiquette, and cared nothing about it; in speech,

manner, carriage, and conduct he was the reverse of conventional.

He was frank, to the limit; he had opinions on all subjects; they were

always on tap and ready for delivery, and he cared not a farthing

whether his listener liked them or didn’t. Whom he loved he loved,

and manifested it; whom he didn’t live he hated, and published

it from the housetops. In his young days he had been a sailor,

and the salt-airs of all the seas blew from him yet. He was a sturdy

and loyal Christian, and believed he was the best one in the land,

and the only one whose Christianity was perfectly sound, healthy,

full-charged with common sense, and had no decayed places in it.

People who had an ax to grind, or people who for any reason wanted

wanted to get on the soft side of him, called him The Christian–

a phrase whose delicate flattery was music to his ears, and whose

capital T was such an enchanting and vivid object to him that he

could SEE it when it fell out of a person’s mouth even in the dark.

Many who were fond of him stood on their consciences with both feet

and brazenly called him by that large title habitually, because it

was a pleasure to them to do anything that would please him;

and with eager and cordial malice his extensive and diligently

cultivated crop of enemies gilded it, beflowered it, expanded it

to “The ONLY Christian.” Of these two titles, the latter had

the wider currency; the enemy, being greatly in the majority,

attended to that. Whatever the doctor believed, he believed with

all his heart, and would fight for it whenever he got the chance;

and if the intervals between chances grew to be irksomely wide,

he would invent ways of shortening them himself. He was

severely conscientious, according to his rather independent lights,

and whatever he took to be a duty he performed, no matter whether

the judgment of the professional moralists agreed with his own

or not. At sea, in his young days, he had used profanity freely,

but as soon as he was converted he made a rule, which he rigidly stuck

to ever afterward, never to use it except on the rarest occasions,

and then only when duty commanded. He had been a hard drinker at sea,

but after his conversion he became a firm and outspoken teetotaler,

in order to be an example to the young, and from that time forth he

seldom drank; never, indeed, except when it seemed to him to be a duty–

a condition which sometimes occurred a couple of times a year, but never

as many as five times.

Necessarily, such a man is impressionable, impulsive, emotional.

This one was, and had no gift at hiding his feelings; or if he

had it he took no trouble to exercise it. He carried his soul’s

prevailing weather in his face, and when he entered a room

the parasols or the umbrellas went up–figuratively speaking–

according to the indications. When the soft light was in his eye

it meant approval, and delivered a benediction; when he came with a

frown he lowered the temperature ten degrees. He was a well-beloved

man in the house of his friends, but sometimes a dreaded one.

He had a deep affection for the Lester household and its several

members returned this feeling with interest. They mourned over

his kind of Christianity, and he frankly scoffed at theirs;

but both parties went on loving each other just the same.

He was approaching the house–out of the distance; the aunts

and the culprit were moving toward the sick-chamber.


The three last named stood by the bed; the aunts austere,

the transgressor softly sobbing. The mother turned her head

on the pillow; her tired eyes flamed up instantly with sympathy

and passionate mother-love when they fell upon her child,

and she opened the refuge and shelter of her arms.

“Wait!” said Aunt Hannah, and put out her hand and stayed the girl

from leaping into them.

“Helen,” said the other aunt, impressively, “tell your mother all.

Purge your soul; leave nothing unconfessed.”

Standing stricken and forlorn before her judges, the young girl

mourned her sorrowful tale through the end, then in a passion

of appeal cried out:

“Oh, mother, can’t you forgive me? won’t you forgive me?–I am

so desolate!”

“Forgive you, my darling? Oh, come to my arms!–there, lay your head

upon my breast, and be at peace. If you had told a thousand lies–”

There was a sound–a warning–the clearing of a throat. The aunts

glanced up, and withered in their clothes–there stood the doctor,

his face a thunder-cloud. Mother and child knew nothing of

his presence; they lay locked together, heart to heart, steeped in

immeasurable content, dead to all things else. The physician

stood many moments glaring and glooming upon the scene before him;

studying it, analyzing it, searching out its genesis; then he put

up his hand and beckoned to the aunts. They came trembling to him,

and stood humbly before him and waited. He bent down and whispered:

“Didn’t I tell you this patient must be protected from all excitement?

What the hell have you been doing? Clear out of the place?”

They obeyed. Half an hour later he appeared in the parlor,

serene, cheery, clothed in sunshine, conducting Helen, with his

arm about her waist, petting her, and saying gentle and playful

things to her; and she also was her sunny and happy self again.

“Now, then;” he said, “good-by, dear. Go to your room, and keep

away from your mother, and behave yourself. But wait–put out

your tongue. There, that will do–you’re as sound as a nut!”

He patted her cheek and added, “Run along now; I want to talk

to these aunts.”

She went from the presence. His face clouded over again at once;

and as he sat down he said:

“You too have been doing a lot of damage–and maybe some good.

Some good, yes–such as it is. That woman’s disease is typhoid!

You’ve brought it to a show-up, I think, with your insanities,

and that’s a service–such as it is. I hadn’t been able to determine

what it was before.”

With one impulse the old ladies sprang to their feet, quaking with terror.

“Sit down! What are you proposing to do?”

“Do? We must fly to her. We–”

“You’ll do nothing of the kind; you’ve done enough harm for one day.

Do you want to squander all your capital of crimes and follies on a

single deal? Sit down, I tell you. I have arranged for her to sleep;

she needs it; if you disturb her without my orders, I’ll brain you–

if you’ve got the materials for it.

They sat down, distressed and indignant, but obedient, under compulsion.

He proceeded:

“Now, then, I want this case explained. THEY wanted to explain it

to me–as if there hadn’t been emotion or excitement enough already.

You knew my orders; how did you dare to go in there and get up

that riot?”

Hester looked appealing at Hannah; Hannah returned a beseeching look

at Hester–neither wanted to dance to this unsympathetic orchestra.

The doctor came to their help. He said:

“Begin, Hester.”

Fingering at the fringes of her shawl, and with lowered eyes,

Hester said, timidly:

“We should not have disobeyed for any ordinary cause, but this

was vital. This was a duty. With a duty one has no choice;

one must put all lighter considerations aside and perform it.

We were obliged to arraign her before her mother. She had told

a lie.”

The doctor glowered upon the woman a moment, and seemed

to be trying to work up in his mind an understand of a wholly

incomprehensible proposition; then he stormed out:

“She told a lie! DID she? God bless my soul! I tell a million a day!

And so does every doctor. And so does everybody–including you–

for that matter. And THAT was the important thing that authorized

you to venture to disobey my orders and imperil that woman’s life!

Look here, Hester Gray, this is pure lunacy; that girl COULDN’T tell

a lie that was intended to injure a person. The thing is impossible–

absolutely impossible. You know it yourselves–both of you;

you know it perfectly well.”

Hannah came to her sister’s rescue:

“Hester didn’t mean that it was that kind of a lie, and it wasn’t.

But it was a lie.”

“Well, upon my word, I never heard such nonsense! Haven’t you

got sense enough to discriminate between lies! Don’t you know

the difference between a lie that helps and a lie that hurts?”

“ALL lies are sinful,” said Hannah, setting her lips together

like a vise; “all lies are forbidden.”

The Only Christian fidgeted impatiently in his chair. He went to attack

this proposition, but he did not quite know how or where to begin.

Finally he made a venture:

“Hester, wouldn’t you tell a lie to shield a person from an undeserved

injury or shame?”


“Not even a friend?”


“Not even your dearest friend?”

“No. I would not.”

The doctor struggled in silence awhile with this situation;

then he asked:

“Not even to save him from bitter pain and misery and grief?”

“No. Not even to save his life.”

Another pause. Then:

“Nor his soul?”

There was a hush–a silence which endured a measurable interval–

then Hester answered, in a low voice, but with decision:

“Nor his soul?”

No one spoke for a while; then the doctor said:

“Is it with you the same, Hannah?”

“Yes,” she answered.

“I ask you both–why?”

“Because to tell such a lie, or any lie, is a sin, and could cost

us the loss of our own souls–WOULD, indeed, if we died without

time to repent.”

“Strange . . . strange . . . it is past belief.” Then he

asked, roughly: “Is such a soul as that WORTH saving?”

He rose up, mumbling and grumbling, and started for the door,

stumping vigorously along. At the threshold he turned and rasped

out an admonition: “Reform! Drop this mean and sordid and selfish

devotion to the saving of your shabby little souls, and hunt up

something to do that’s got some dignity to it! RISK your souls! risk

them in good causes; then if you lose them, why should you care? Reform!”

The good old gentlewomen sat paralyzed, pulverized, outraged, insulted,

and brooded in bitterness and indignation over these blasphemies.

They were hurt to the heart, poor old ladies, and said they could

never forgive these injuries.


They kept repeating that word resentfully. “Reform–and learn

to tell lies!”

Time slipped along, and in due course a change came over their spirits.

They had completed the human being’s first duty–which is to think

about himself until he has exhausted the subject, then he is in a

condition to take up minor interests and think of other people.

This changes the complexion of his spirits–generally wholesomely.

The minds of the two old ladies reverted to their beloved niece

and the fearful disease which had smitten her; instantly they forgot

the hurts their self-love had received, and a passionate desire

rose in their hearts to go to the help of the sufferer and comfort

her with their love, and minister to her, and labor for her the best

they could with their weak hands, and joyfully and affectionately

wear out their poor old bodies in her dear service if only they might

have the privilege.

“And we shall have it!” said Hester, with the tears running

down her face. “There are no nurses comparable to us, for there

are no others that will stand their watch by that bed till they

drop and die, and God knows we would do that.”

“Amen,” said Hannah, smiling approval and endorsement through the

mist of moisture that blurred her glasses. “The doctor knows us,

and knows we will not disobey again; and he will call no others.

He will not dare!”

“Dare?” said Hester, with temper, and dashing the water from her eyes;

“he will dare anything–that Christian devil! But it will do no

good for him to try it this time–but, laws! Hannah! after all’s

said and done, he is gifted and wise and good, and he would not

think of such a thing. . . . It is surely time for one of us to go

to that room. What is keeping him? Why doesn’t he come and say so?”

They caught the sound of his approaching step. He entered, sat down,

and began to talk.

“Margaret is a sick woman,” he said. “She is still sleeping,

but she will wake presently; then one of you must go to her.

She will be worse before she is better. Pretty soon a night-and-day

watch must be set. How much of it can you two undertake?”

“All of it!” burst from both ladies at once.

The doctor’s eyes flashed, and he said, with energy:

“You DO ring true, you brave old relics! And you SHALL do all of

the nursing you can, for there’s none to match you in that divine

office in this town; but you can’t do all of it, and it would

be a crime to let you.” It was grand praise, golden praise,

coming from such a source, and it took nearly all the resentment

out of the aged twin’s hearts. “Your Tilly and my old Nancy shall

do the rest–good nurses both, white souls with black skins,

watchful, loving, tender–just perfect nurses!–and competent liars

from the cradle. . . . Look you! keep a little watch on Helen;

she is sick, and is going to be sicker.”

The ladies looked a little surprised, and not credulous; and Hester said:

“How is that? It isn’t an hour since you said she was as sound

as a nut.”

The doctor answered, tranquilly:

“It was a lie.”

The ladies turned upon him indignantly, and Hannah said:

“How can you make an odious confession like that, in so indifferent

a tone, when you know how we feel about all forms of–”

“Hush! You are as ignorant as cats, both of you, and you don’t know

what you are talking about. You are like all the rest of the moral moles;

you lie from morning till night, but because you don’t do it with

your mouths, but only with your lying eyes, your lying inflections,

your deceptively misplaced emphasis, and your misleading gestures,

you turn up your complacent noses and parade before God and

the world as saintly and unsmirched Truth-Speakers, in whose

cold-storage souls a lie would freeze to death if it got there!

Why will you humbug yourselves with that foolish notion that no

lie is a lie except a spoken one? What is the difference between

lying with your eyes and lying with your mouth? There is none;

and if you would reflect a moment you would see that it is so.

There isn’t a human being that doesn’t tell a gross of lies every day

of his life; and you–why, between you, you tell thirty thousand;

yet you flare up here in a lurid hypocritical horror because I

tell that child a benevolent and sinless lie to protect her from

her imagination, which would get to work and warm up her blood to a

fever in an hour, if I were disloyal enough to my duty to let it.

Which I should probably do if I were interested in saving my soul

by such disreputable means.

“Come, let us reason together. Let us examine details. When you

two were in the sick-room raising that riot, what would you have

done if you had known I was coming?”

“Well, what?”

“You would have slipped out and carried Helen with you–wouldn’t you?”

The ladies were silent.

“What would be your object and intention?”

“Well, what?”

“To keep me from finding out your guilt; to beguile me to infer that

Margaret’s excitement proceeded from some cause not known to you.

In a word, to tell me a lie–a silent lie. Moreover, a possibly

harmful one.”

The twins colored, but did not speak.

“You not only tell myriads of silent lies, but you tell lies

with your mouths–you two.”

“THAT is not so!”

“It is so. But only harmless ones. You never dream of uttering

a harmful one. Do you know that that is a concession–and a confession?”

“How do you mean?”

“It is an unconscious concession that harmless lies are not criminal;

it is a confession that you constantly MAKE that discrimination.

For instance, you declined old Mrs. Foster’s invitation last week

to meet those odious Higbies at supper–in a polite note in which you

expressed regret and said you were very sorry you could not go.

It was a lie. It was as unmitigated a lie as was ever uttered.

Deny it, Hester–with another lie.”

Hester replied with a toss of her head.

“That will not do. Answer. Was it a lie, or wasn’t it?”

The color stole into the cheeks of both women, and with a struggle

and an effort they got out their confession:

“It was a lie.”

“Good–the reform is beginning; there is hope for you yet;

you will not tell a lie to save your dearest friend’s soul, but you

will spew out one without a scruple to save yourself the discomfort

of telling an unpleasant truth.”

He rose. Hester, speaking for both, said; coldly:

“We have lied; we perceive it; it will occur no more. To lie is

a sin. We shall never tell another one of any kind whatsoever,

even lies of courtesy or benevolence, to save any one a pang

or a sorrow decreed for him by God.”

“Ah, how soon you will fall! In fact, you have fallen already;

for what you have just uttered is a lie. Good-by. Reform!

One of you go to the sick-room now.”


Twelve days later.

Mother and child were lingering in the grip of the hideous disease.

Of hope for either there was little. The aged sisters looked white

and worn, but they would not give up their posts. Their hearts

were breaking, poor old things, but their grit was steadfast

and indestructible. All the twelve days the mother had pined for

the child, and the child for the mother, but both knew that the prayer

of these longings could not be granted. When the mother was told–

on the first day–that her disease was typhoid, she was frightened,

and asked if there was danger that Helen could have contracted it the

day before, when she was in the sick-chamber on that confession visit.

Hester told her the doctor had poo-pooed the idea. It troubled

Hester to say it, although it was true, for she had not believed

the doctor; but when she saw the mother’s joy in the news, the pain

in her conscience lost something of its force–a result which made

her ashamed of the constructive deception which she had practiced,

though not ashamed enough to make her distinctly and definitely

wish she had refrained from it. From that moment the sick woman

understood that her daughter must remain away, and she said she would

reconcile herself to the separation the best she could, for she

would rather suffer death than have her child’s health imperiled.

That afternoon Helen had to take to her bed, ill. She grew worse

during the night. In the morning her mother asked after her:

“Is she well?”

Hester turned cold; she opened her lips, but the words refused to come.

The mother lay languidly looking, musing, waiting; suddenly she

turned white and gasped out:

“Oh, my God! what is it? is she sick?”

Then the poor aunt’s tortured heart rose in rebellion, and words came:

“No–be comforted; she is well.”

The sick woman put all her happy heart in her gratitude:

“Thank God for those dear words! Kiss me. How I worship you

for saying them!”

Hester told this incident to Hannah, who received it with

a rebuking look, and said, coldly:

“Sister, it was a lie.”

Hester’s lips trembled piteously; she choked down a sob, and said:

“Oh, Hannah, it was a sin, but I could not help it. I could not

endure the fright and the misery that were in her face.”

“No matter. It was a lie. God will hold you to account for it.”

“Oh, I know it, I know it,” cried Hester, wringing her hands,

“but even if it were now, I could not help it. I know I should do

it again.”

“Then take my place with Helen in the morning. I will make

the report myself.”

Hester clung to her sister, begging and imploring.

“Don’t, Hannah, oh, don’t–you will kill her.”

“I will at least speak the truth.”

In the morning she had a cruel report to bear to the mother,

and she braced herself for the trial. When she returned from

her mission, Hester was waiting, pale and trembling, in the hall.

She whispered:

“Oh, how did she take it–that poor, desolate mother?”

Hannah’s eyes were swimming in tears. She said:

“God forgive me, I told her the child was well!”

Hester gathered her to her heart, with a grateful “God bless you, Hannah!”

and poured out her thankfulness in an inundation of worshiping praises.

After that, the two knew the limit of their strength, and accepted

their fate. They surrendered humbly, and abandoned themselves to the

hard requirements of the situation. Daily they told the morning lie,

and confessed their sin in prayer; not asking forgiveness, as not

being worthy of it, but only wishing to make record that they

realized their wickedness and were not desiring to hide it or excuse it.

Daily, as the fair young idol of the house sank lower and lower,

the sorrowful old aunts painted her glowing bloom and her fresh young

beauty to the wan mother, and winced under the stabs her ecstasies

of joy and gratitude gave them.

In the first days, while the child had strength to hold a pencil,

she wrote fond little love-notes to her mother, in which she concealed

her illness; and these the mother read and reread through happy

eyes wet with thankful tears, and kissed them over and over again,

and treasured them as precious things under her pillow.

Then came a day when the strength was gone from the hand, and the

mind wandered, and the tongue babbled pathetic incoherences.

this was a sore dilemma for the poor aunts. There were no love-notes

for the mother. They did not know what to do. Hester began a

carefully studied and plausible explanation, but lost the track of it

and grew confused; suspicion began to show in the mother’s face,

then alarm. Hester saw it, recognized the imminence of the danger,

and descended to the emergency, pulling herself resolutely together

and plucking victor from the open jaws of defeat. In a placid

and convincing voice she said:

“I thought it might distress you to know it, but Helen spent the night

at the Sloanes’. There was a little party there, and, although she

did not want to go, and you so sick, we persuaded her, she being

young and needing the innocent pastimes of youth, and we believing

you would approve. Be sure she will write the moment she comes.”

“How good you are, and how dear and thoughtful for us both!

Approve? Why, I thank you with all my heart. My poor little exile!

Tell her I want her to have every pleasure she can–I would not rob

her of one. Only let her keep her health, that is all I ask.

Don’t let that suffer; I could not bear it. How thankful I am that she

escaped this infection–and what a narrow risk she ran, Aunt Hester!

Think of that lovely face all dulled and burned with fever.

I can’t bear the thought of it. Keep her health. Keep her bloom!

I can see her now, the dainty creature–with the big, blue, earnest eyes;

and sweet, oh, so sweet and gentle and winning! Is she as beautiful

as ever, dear Aunt Hester?”

“Oh, more beautiful and bright and charming than ever she was before,

if such a thing can be”–and Hester turned away and fumbled with

the medicine-bottles, to hide her shame and grief.


After a little, both aunts were laboring upon a difficult and baffling

work in Helen’s chamber. Patiently and earnestly, with their stiff

old fingers, they were trying to forge the required note. They made

failure after failure, but they improved little by little all the time.

The pity of it all, the pathetic humor of it, there was none to see;

they themselves were unconscious of it. Often their tears fell

upon the notes and spoiled them; sometimes a single misformed word

made a note risky which could have been ventured but for that;

but at last Hannah produced one whose script was a good enough

imitation of Helen’s to pass any but a suspicious eye, and bountifully

enriched it with the petting phrases and loving nicknames that

had been familiar on the child’s lips from her nursery days.

She carried it to the mother, who took it with avidity, and kissed it,

and fondled it, reading its precious words over and over again,

and dwelling with deep contentment upon its closing paragraph:

“Mousie darling, if I could only see you, and kiss your eyes,

and feel your arms about me! I am so glad my practicing does not

disturb you. Get well soon. Everybody is good to me, but I am

so lonesome without you, dear mamma.”

“The poor child, I know just how she feels. She cannot be quite

happy without me; and I–oh, I live in the light of her eyes!

Tell her she must practice all she pleases; and, Aunt Hannah–

tell her I can’t hear the piano this far, nor hear dear voice

when she sings: God knows I wish I could. No one knows how sweet

that voice is to me; and to think–some day it will be silent!

What are you crying for?

“Only because–because–it was just a memory. When I came away she

was singing, ‘Loch Lomond.’ The pathos of it! It always moves

me so when she sings that.”

“And me, too. How heartbreakingly beautiful it is when some youthful

sorrow is brooding in her breast and she sings it for the mystic

healing it brings. . . . Aunt Hannah?”

“Dear Margaret?”

“I am very ill. Sometimes it comes over me that I shall never hear

that dear voice again.”

“Oh, don’t–don’t, Margaret! I can’t bear it!”

Margaret was moved and distressed, and said, gently:

“There–there–let me put my arms around you.

Don’t cry. There–put your cheek to mine. Be comforted.

I wish to live. I will live if I can. Ah, what could she

do without me! . . . Does she often speak of me?–but I know she does.”

“Oh, all the time–all the time!”

“My sweet child! She wrote the note the moment she came home?”

“Yes–the first moment. She would not wait to take off her things.”

“I knew it. It is her dear, impulsive, affectionate way. I knew it

without asking, but I wanted to hear you say it. The petted wife

knows she is loved, but she makes her husband tell her so every day,

just for the joy of hearing it. . . . She used the pen this time.

That is better; the pencil-marks could rub out, and I should grieve

for that. Did you suggest that she use the pen?”

“Y–no–she–it was her own idea.

The mother looked her pleasure, and said:

“I was hoping you would say that. There was never such a dear

and thoughtful child! . . . Aunt Hannah?”

“Dear Margaret?”

“Go and tell her I think of her all the time, and worship her.

Why–you are crying again. Don’t be so worried about me, dear;

I think there is nothing to fear, yet.”

The grieving messenger carried her message, and piously delivered

it to unheeding ears. The girl babbled on unaware; looking up

at her with wondering and startled eyes flaming with fever,

eyes in which was no light of recognition:

“Are you–no, you are not my mother. I want her–oh, I want her!

She was here a minute ago–I did not see her go. Will she come? will

she come quickly? will she come now? . . . There are so many houses

. . . and they oppress me so . . . and everything whirls and turns

and whirls . . . oh, my head, my head!”–and so she wandered on

and on, in her pain, flitting from one torturing fancy to another,

and tossing her arms about in a weary and ceaseless persecution

of unrest.

Poor old Hannah wetted the parched lips and softly stroked the

hot brow, murmuring endearing and pitying words, and thanking

the Father of all that the mother was happy and did not know.


Daily the child sank lower and steadily lower towards the grave,

and daily the sorrowing old watchers carried gilded tidings of her

radiant health and loveliness to the happy mother, whose pilgrimage

was also now nearing its end. And daily they forged loving and cheery

notes in the child’s hand, and stood by with remorseful consciences

and bleeding hearts, and wept to see the grateful mother devour

them and adore them and treasure them away as things beyond price,

because of their sweet source, and sacred because her child’s hand

had touched them.

At last came that kindly friend who brings healing and peace to all.

The lights were burning low. In the solemn hush which precedes the

dawn vague figures flitted soundless along the dim hall and gathered

silent and awed in Helen’s chamber, and grouped themselves about

her bed, for a warning had gone forth, and they knew. The dying

girl lay with closed lids, and unconscious, the drapery upon her

breast faintly rising and falling as her wasting life ebbed away.

At intervals a sigh or a muffled sob broke upon the stillness.

The same haunting thought was in all minds there: the pity of

this death, the going out into the great darkness, and the mother

not here to help and hearten and bless.

Helen stirred; her hands began to grope wistfully about as if they

sought something–she had been blind some hours. The end was come;

all knew it. With a great sob Hester gathered her to her breast,

crying, “Oh, my child, my darling!” A rapturous light broke in the

dying girl’s face, for it was mercifully vouchsafed her to mistake

those sheltering arms for another’s; and she went to her rest murmuring,

“Oh, mamma, I am so happy–I longed for you–now I can die.”

Two hours later Hester made her report. The mother asked:

“How is it with the child?”

“She is well.”


A sheaf of white crape and black was hung upon the door of the house,

and there it swayed and rustled in the wind and whispered its tidings.

At noon the preparation of the dead was finished, and in the

coffin lay the fair young form, beautiful, and in the sweet face

a great peace. Two mourners sat by it, grieving and worshipping–

Hannah and the black woman Tilly. Hester came, and she was trembling,

for a great trouble was upon her spirit. She said:

“She asks for a note.”

Hannah’s face blanched. She had not thought of this; it had seemed

that that pathetic service was ended. But she realized now that

that could not be. For a little while the two women stood looking

into each other’s face, with vacant eyes; then Hannah said:

“There is no way out of it–she must have it; she will suspect, else.”

“And she would find out.”

“Yes. It would break her heart.” She looked at the dead face,

and her eyes filled. “I will write it,” she said.

Hester carried it. The closing line said:

“Darling Mousie, dear sweet mother, we shall soon be together again.

Is not that good news? And it is true; they all say it is true.”

The mother mourned, saying:

“Poor child, how will she bear it when she knows? I shall never see

her again in life. It is hard, so hard. She does not suspect?

You guard her from that?”

“She thinks you will soon be well.”

“How good you are, and careful, dear Aunt Hester! None goes near

herr who could carry the infection?”

“It would be a crime.”

“But you SEE her?”

“With a distance between–yes.”

“That is so good. Others one could not trust; but you two guardian

angels–steel is not so true as you. Others would be unfaithful;

and many would deceive, and lie.”

Hester’s eyes fell, and her poor old lips trembled.

“Let me kiss you for her, Aunt Hester; and when I am gone,

and the danger is past, place the kiss upon her dear lips some day,

and say her mother sent it, and all her mother’s broken heart is

in it.”

Within the hour, Hester, raining tears upon the dead face,

performed her pathetic mission.


Another day dawned, and grew, and spread its sunshine in the earth.

Aunt Hannah brought comforting news to the failing mother, and a

happy note, which said again, “We have but a little time to wait,

darling mother, then se shall be together.”

The deep note of a bell came moaning down the wind.

“Aunt Hannah, it is tolling. Some poor soul is at rest.

As I shall be soon. You will not let her forget me?”

“Oh, God knows she never will!”

“Do not you hear strange noises, Aunt Hannah? It sounds like

the shuffling of many feet.”

“We hoped you would not hear it, dear. It is a little company

gathering, for–for Helen’s sake, poor little prisoner. There will

be music–and she loves it so. We thought you would not mind.”

“Mind? Oh no, no–oh, give her everything her dear heart can desire.

How good you two are to her, and how good to me! God bless you

both always!”

After a listening pause:

“How lovely! It is her organ. Is she playing it herself, do you think?”

Faint and rich and inspiring the chords floating to her ears on

the still air. “Yes, it is her touch, dear heart, I recognize it.

They are singing. Why–it is a hymn! and the sacredest of all,

the most touching, the most consoling. . . . It seems to open

the gates of paradise to me. . . . If I could die now. . . .”

Faint and far the words rose out of the stillness:

Nearer, my God, to Thee,

Nearer to Thee,

E’en though it be a cross

That raiseth me.

With the closing of the hymn another soul passed to its rest,

and they that had been one in life were not sundered in death.

The sisters, mourning and rejoicing, said:

“How blessed it was that she never knew!”


At midnight they sat together, grieving, and the angel of the Lord

appeared in the midst transfigured with a radiance not of earth;

and speaking, said:

“For liars a place is appointed. There they burn in the fires

of hell from everlasting unto everlasting. Repent!”

The bereaved fell upon their knees before him and clasped their

hands and bowed their gray heads, adoring. But their tongues

clove to the roof of their mouths, and they were dumb.

“Speak! that I may bear the message to the chancery of heaven

and bring again the decree from which there is no appeal.”

Then they bowed their heads yet lower, and one said:

“Our sin is great, and we suffer shame; but only perfect and final

repentance can make us whole; and we are poor creatures who have learned

our human weakness, and we know that if we were in those hard straits

again our hearts would fail again, and we should sin as before.

The strong could prevail, and so be saved, but we are lost.”

They lifted their heads in supplication. The angel was gone.

While they marveled and wept he came again; and bending low,

he whispered the decree.


Was it Heaven? Or Hell?



By courtesy of Mr. Cable I came into possession of a singular book

eight or ten years ago. It is likely that mine is now the only copy

in existence. Its title-page, unabbreviated, reads as follows:

“The Enemy Conquered; or, Love Triumphant. By G. Ragsdale McClintock,

[1] author of ‘An Address,’ etc., delivered at Sunflower Hill,

South Carolina, and member of the Yale Law School. New Haven:

published by T. H. Pease, 83 Chapel Street, 1845.”

No one can take up this book and lay it down again unread.

Whoever reads one line of it is caught, is chained; he has become

the contented slave of its fascinations; and he will read and read,

devour and devour, and will not let it go out of his hand till it

is finished to the last line, though the house be on fire over

his head. And after a first reading he will not throw it aside,

but will keep it by him, with his Shakespeare and his Homer,

and will take it up many and many a time, when the world is dark

and his spirits are low, and be straightway cheered and refreshed.

Yet this work has been allowed to lie wholly neglected, unmentioned,

and apparently unregretted, for nearly half a century.

The reader must not imagine that he is to find in it wisdom,

brilliancy, fertility of invention, ingenuity of construction,

excellence of form, purity of style, perfection of imagery,

truth to nature, clearness of statement, humanly possible situations,

humanly possible people, fluent narrative, connected sequence of events–

or philosophy, or logic, or sense. No; the rich, deep, beguiling charm

of the book lies in the total and miraculous ABSENCE from it of all

these qualities–a charm which is completed and perfected by the

evident fact that the author, whose naive innocence easily and surely

wins our regard, and almost our worship, does not know that they

are absent, does not even suspect that they are absent. When read

by the light of these helps to an understanding of the situation,

the book is delicious–profoundly and satisfyingly delicious.

I call it a book because the author calls it a book, I call it a work

because he calls it a work; but, in truth, it is merely a duodecimo

pamphlet of thirty-one pages. It was written for fame and money,

as the author very frankly–yes, and very hopefully, too, poor fellow–

says in his preface. The money never came–no penny of it ever came;

and how long, how pathetically long, the fame has been deferred–

forty-seven years! He was young then, it would have been so much to

him then; but will he care for it now?

As time is measured in America, McClintock’s epoch is antiquity.

In his long-vanished day the Southern author had a passion for

“eloquence”; it was his pet, his darling. He would be eloquent,

or perish. And he recognized only one kind of eloquence–the lurid,

the tempestuous, the volcanic. He liked words–big words,

fine words, grand words, rumbling, thundering, reverberating words;

with sense attaching if it could be got in without marring the sound,

but not otherwise. He loved to stand up before a dazed world,

and pour forth flame and smoke and lava and pumice-stone into

the skies, and work his subterranean thunders, and shake himself

with earthquakes, and stench himself with sulphur fumes. If he

consumed his own fields and vineyards, that was a pity, yes; but he

would have his eruption at any cost. Mr. McClintock’s eloquence–

and he is always eloquent, his crater is always spouting–is of the

pattern common to his day, but he departs from the custom of the time

in one respect: his brethren allowed sense to intrude when it did

not mar the sound, but he does not allow it to intrude at all.

For example, consider this figure, which he used in the village

“Address” referred to with such candid complacency in the title-page

above quoted–“like the topmost topaz of an ancient tower.”

Please read it again; contemplate it; measure it; walk around it;

climb up it; try to get at an approximate realization of the size of it.

Is the fellow to that to be found in literature, ancient or modern,

foreign or domestic, living or dead, drunk or sober? One notices

how fine and grand it sounds. We know that if it was loftily uttered,

it got a noble burst of applause from the villagers; yet there isn’t

a ray of sense in it, or meaning to it.

McClintock finished his education at Yale in 1843, and came to

Hartford on a visit that same year. I have talked with men who at

that time talked with him, and felt of him, and knew he was real.

One needs to remember that fact and to keep fast hold of it;

it is the only way to keep McClintock’s book from undermining one’s

faith in McClintock’s actuality.

As to the book. The first four pages are devoted to an inflamed eulogy

of Woman–simply woman in general, or perhaps as an institution–

wherein, among other compliments to her details, he pays a unique

one to her voice. He says it “fills the breast with fond alarms,

echoed by every rill.” It sounds well enough, but it is not true.

After the eulogy he takes up his real work and the novel begins.

It begins in the woods, near the village of Sunflower Hill.

Brightening clouds seemed to rise from the mist of the fair Chattahoochee,

to spread their beauty over the thick forest, to guide the hero whose

bosom beats with aspirations to conquer the enemy that would tarnish

his name, and to win back the admiration of his long-tried friend.

It seems a general remark, but it is not general; the hero mentioned

is the to-be hero of the book; and in this abrupt fashion,

and without name or description, he is shoveled into the tale.

“With aspirations to conquer the enemy that would tarnish his name”

is merely a phrase flung in for the sake of the sound–let it

not mislead the reader. No one is trying to tarnish this person;

no one has thought of it. The rest of the sentence is also merely

a phrase; the man has no friend as yet, and of course has had no

chance to try him, or win back his admiration, or disturb him in any

other way.

The hero climbs up over “Sawney’s Mountain,” and down the other side,

making for an old Indian “castle”–which becomes “the red man’s hut”

in the next sentence; and when he gets there at last, he “surveys

with wonder and astonishment” the invisible structure, “which time

has buried in the dust, and thought to himself his happiness was

not yet complete.” One doesn’t know why it wasn’t, nor how near it

came to being complete, nor what was still wanting to round it up

and make it so. Maybe it was the Indian; but the book does not say.

At this point we have an episode:

Beside the shore of the brook sat a young man, about eighteen or twenty,

who seemed to be reading some favorite book, and who had a remarkably

noble countenance–eyes which betrayed more than a common mind.

This of course made the youth a welcome guest, and gained him

friends in whatever condition of his life he might be placed.

The traveler observed that he was a well-built figure which showed

strength and grace in every movement. He accordingly addressed

him in quite a gentlemanly manner, and inquired of him the way

to the village. After he had received the desired information,

and was about taking his leave, the youth said, “Are you not

Major Elfonzo, the great musician [2]–the champion of a noble cause–

the modern Achilles, who gained so many victories in the Florida War?”

“I bear that name,” said the Major, “and those titles,

trusting at the same time that the ministers of grace will carry

me triumphantly through all my laudable undertakings, and if,”

continued the Major, “you, sir, are the patronizer of noble deeds,

I should like to make you my confidant and learn your address.”

The youth looked somewhat amazed, bowed low, mused for a moment,

and began: “My name is Roswell. I have been recently admitted

to the bar, and can only give a faint outline of my future success

in that honorable profession; but I trust, sir, like the Eagle, I shall

look down from the lofty rocks upon the dwellings of man, and shall

ever be ready to give you any assistance in my official capacity,

and whatever this muscular arm of mine can do, whenever it shall be

called from its buried GREATNESS.” The Major grasped him by the hand,

and exclaimed: “O! thou exalted spirit of inspiration–thou flame

of burning prosperity, may the Heaven-directed blaze be the glare

of thy soul, and battle down every rampart that seems to impede

your progress!”

There is a strange sort of originality about McClintock;

he imitates other people’s styles, but nobody can imitate his,

not even an idiot. Other people can be windy, but McClintock blows

a gale; other people can blubber sentiment, but McClintock spews it;

other people can mishandle metaphors, but only McClintock knows

how to make a business of it. McClintock is always McClintock,

he is always consistent, his style is always his own style. He does

not make the mistake of being relevant on one page and irrelevant

on another; he is irrelevant on all of them. He does not make

the mistake of being lucid in one place and obscure in another;

he is obscure all the time. He does not make the mistake of slipping

in a name here and there that is out of character with his work;

he always uses names that exactly and fantastically fit his lunatics.

In the matter of undeviating consistency he stands alone in authorship.

It is this that makes his style unique, and entitles it to a name

of its own–McClintockian. It is this that protects it from being

mistaken for anybody else’s. Uncredited quotations from other writers

often leave a reader in doubt as to their authorship, but McClintock

is safe from that accident; an uncredited quotation from him would

always be recognizable. When a boy nineteen years old, who had

just been admitted to the bar, says, “I trust, sir, like the Eagle,

I shall look down from lofty rocks upon the dwellings of man,”

we know who is speaking through that boy; we should recognize

that note anywhere. There be myriads of instruments in this

world’s literary orchestra, and a multitudinous confusion of sounds

that they make, wherein fiddles are drowned, and guitars smothered,

and one sort of drum mistaken for another sort; but whensoever the

brazen note of the McClintockian trombone breaks through that fog

of music, that note is recognizable, and about it there can be no blur

of doubt.

The novel now arrives at the point where the Major goes home to see

his father. When McClintock wrote this interview he probably

believed it was pathetic.

The road which led to the town presented many attractions Elfonzo

had bid farewell to the youth of deep feeling, and was now wending

his way to the dreaming spot of his fondness. The south winds

whistled through the woods, as the waters dashed against the banks,

as rapid fire in the pent furnace roars. This brought him to

remember while alone, that he quietly left behind the hospitality

of a father’s house, and gladly entered the world, with higher hopes

than are often realized. But as he journeyed onward, he was mindful

of the advice of his father, who had often looked sadly on the ground,

when tears of cruelly deceived hope moistened his eyes. Elfonzo had

been somewhat a dutiful son; yet fond of the amusements of life–

had been in distant lands–had enjoyed the pleasure of the world,

and had frequently returned to the scenes of his boyhood,

almost destitute of many of the comforts of life. In this condition,

he would frequently say to his father, “Have I offended you,

that you look upon me as a stranger, and frown upon me with

stinging looks? Will you not favor me with the sound of your voice?

If I have trampled upon your veneration, or have spread a humid veil

of darkness around your expectations, send me back into the world,

where no heart beats for me–where the foot of man had never yet trod;

but give me at least one kind word–allow me to come into the presence

sometimes of thy winter-worn locks.” “Forbid it, Heaven, that I

should be angry with thee,” answered the father, “my son, and yet

I send thee back to the children of the world–to the cold charity

of the combat, and to a land of victory. I read another destiny

in thy countenance–I learn thy inclinations from the flame that has

already kindled in my soul a strange sensation. It will seek thee,

my dear ELFONZO, it will find thee–thou canst not escape that

lighted torch, which shall blot out from the remembrance of men

a long train of prophecies which they have foretold against thee.

I once thought not so. Once, I was blind; but now the path of life

is plain before me, and my sight is clear; yet, Elfonzo, return to thy

worldly occupation–take again in thy hand that chord of sweet sounds–

struggle with the civilized world and with your own heart;

fly swiftly to the enchanted ground–let the night-OWL send forth

its screams from the stubborn oak–let the sea sport upon the beach,

and the stars sing together; but learn of these, Elfonzo, thy doom,

and thy hiding-place. Our most innocent as well as our most lawful

DESIRES must often be denied us, that we may learn to sacrifice them

to a Higher will.”

Remembering such admonitions with gratitude, Elfonzo was immediately

urged by the recollection of his father’s family to keep moving.

McClintock has a fine gift in the matter of surprises; but as a

rule they are not pleasant ones, they jar upon the feelings.

His closing sentence in the last quotation is of that sort.

It brings one down out of the tinted clouds in too sudden and collapsed

a fashion. It incenses one against the author for a moment.

It makes the reader want to take him by this winter-worn locks,

and trample on his veneration, and deliver him over to the cold

charity of combat, and blot him out with his own lighted torch.

But the feeling does not last. The master takes again in his hand that

concord of sweet sounds of his, and one is reconciled, pacified.

His steps became quicker and quicker–he hastened through the PINY woods,

dark as the forest was, and with joy he very soon reached the little

village of repose, in whose bosom rested the boldest chivalry.

His close attention to every important object–his modest questions

about whatever was new to him–his reverence for wise old age,

and his ardent desire to learn many of the fine arts, soon brought

him into respectable notice.

One mild winter day, as he walked along the streets toward the Academy,

which stood upon a small eminence, surrounded by native growth–

some venerable in its appearance, others young and prosperous–

all seemed inviting, and seemed to be the very place for learning as

well as for genius to spend its research beneath its spreading shades.

He entered its classic walls in the usual mode of southern manners.

The artfulness of this man! None knows so well as he how to pique

the curiosity of the reader–and how to disappoint it. He raises

the hope, here, that he is going to tell all about how one enters

a classic wall in the usual mode of Southern manners; but does he?

No; he smiles in his sleeve, and turns aside to other matters.

The principal of the Institution begged him to be seated and listen

to the recitations that were going on. He accordingly obeyed

the request, and seemed to be much pleased. After the school

was dismissed, and the young hearts regained their freedom,

with the songs of the evening, laughing at the anticipated pleasures

of a happy home, while others tittered at the actions of the past day,

he addressed the teacher in a tone that indicated a resolution–

with an undaunted mind. He said he had determined to become

a student, if he could meet with his approbation. “Sir,” said he,

“I have spent much time in the world. I have traveled among

the uncivilized inhabitants of America. I have met with friends,

and combated with foes; but none of these gratify my ambition,

or decide what is to be my destiny. I see the learned world

have an influence with the voice of the people themselves.

The despoilers of the remotest kingdoms of the earth refer their

differences to this class of persons. This the illiterate and

inexperienced little dream of; and now if you will receive me as I am,

with these deficiencies–with all my misguided opinions, I will give

you my honor, sir, that I will never disgrace the Institution,

or those who have placed you in this honorable station.”

The instructor, who had met with many disappointments, knew how to

feel for a stranger who had been thus turned upon the charities

of an unfeeling community. He looked at him earnestly, and said:

“Be of good cheer–look forward, sir, to the high destination you

may attain. Remember, the more elevated the mark at which you aim,

the more sure, the more glorious, the more magnificent the prize.”

From wonder to wonder, his encouragement led the impatient listener.

A strange nature bloomed before him–giant streams promised

him success–gardens of hidden treasures opened to his view.

All this, so vividly described, seemed to gain a new witchery from his

glowing fancy.

It seems to me that this situation is new in romance. I feel

sure it has not been attempted before. Military celebrities have

been disguised and set at lowly occupations for dramatic effect,

but I think McClintock is the first to send one of them to school.

Thus, in this book, you pass from wonder to wonder, through gardens

of hidden treasure, where giant streams bloom before you,

and behind you, and all around, and you feel as happy, and groggy,

and satisfied with your quart of mixed metaphor aboard as you would

if it had been mixed in a sample-room and delivered from a jug.

Now we come upon some more McClintockian surprise–a sweetheart

who is sprung upon us without any preparation, along with a name

for her which is even a little more of a surprise than she herself is.

In 1842 he entered the class, and made rapid progress in the English

and Latin departments. Indeed, he continued advancing with such

rapidity that he was like to become the first in his class,

and made such unexpected progress, and was so studious, that he had

almost forgotten the pictured saint of his affections. The fresh

wreaths of the pine and cypress had waited anxiously to drop once

more the dews of Heaven upon the heads of those who had so often

poured forth the tender emotions of their souls under its boughs.

He was aware of the pleasure that he had seen there. So one evening ,as

he was returning from his reading, he concluded he would pay a visit

to this enchanting spot. Little did he think of witnessing a shadow

of his former happiness, though no doubt he wished it might be so.

He continued sauntering by the roadside, meditating on the past.

The nearer he approached the spot, the more anxious he became.

At that moment a tall female figure flitted across his path, with a

bunch of roses in her hand; her countenance showed uncommon vivacity,

with a resolute spirit; her ivory teeth already appeared as she

smiled beautifully, promenading–while her ringlets of hair dangled

unconsciously around her snowy neck. Nothing was wanting to complete

her beauty. The tinge of the rose was in full bloom upon her cheek;

the charms of sensibility and tenderness were always her associates.

In Ambulinia’s bosom dwelt a noble soul–one that never faded–

one that never was conquered.

Ambulinia! It can hardly be matched in fiction. The full name

is Ambulinia Valeer. Marriage will presently round it out and

perfect it. Then it will be Mrs. Ambulinia Valeer Elfonzo.

It takes the chromo.

Her heart yielded to no feeling but the love of Elfonzo, on whom

she gazed with intense delight, and to whom she felt herself

more closely bound, because he sought the hand of no other.

Elfonzo was roused from his apparent reverie. His books no longer

were his inseparable companions–his thoughts arrayed themselves

to encourage him to the field of victory. He endeavored to speak

to his supposed Ambulinia, but his speech appeared not in words.

No, his effort was a stream of fire, that kindled his soul into

a flame of admiration, and carried his senses away captive.

Ambulinia had disappeared, to make him more mindful of his duty.

As she walked speedily away through the piny woods, she calmly echoed:

“O! Elfonzo, thou wilt now look from thy sunbeams. Thou shalt

now walk in a new path–perhaps thy way leads through darkness;

but fear not, the stars foretell happiness.”

To McClintock that jingling jumble of fine words meant something,

no doubt, or seemed to mean something; but it is useless for us to try

to divine what it was. Ambulinia comes–we don’t know whence nor why;

she mysteriously intimates–we don’t know what; and then she goes

echoing away–we don’t know whither; and down comes the curtain.

McClintock’s art is subtle; McClintock’s art is deep.

Not many days afterward, as surrounded by fragrant flowers she sat

one evening at twilight, to enjoy the cool breeze that whispered

notes of melody along the distant groves, the little birds perched

on every side, as if to watch the movements of their new visitor.

The bells were tolling, when Elfonzo silently stole along by the wild

wood flowers, holding in his hand his favorite instrument of music–

his eye continually searching for Ambulinia, who hardly seemed

to perceive him, as she played carelessly with the songsters

that hopped from branch to branch. Nothing could be more striking

than the difference between the two. Nature seemed to have given

the more tender soul to Elfonzo, and the stronger and more courageous

to Ambulinia. A deep feeling spoke from the eyes of Elfonzo–

such a feeling as can only be expressed by those who are blessed

as admirers, and by those who are able to return the same with

sincerity of heart. He was a few years older than Ambulinia:

she had turned a little into her seventeenth. He had almost grown

up in the Cherokee country, with the same equal proportions as one

of the natives. But little intimacy had existed between them until

the year forty-one–because the youth felt that the character of such

a lovely girl was too exalted to inspire any other feeling than

that of quiet reverence. But as lovers will not always be insulted,

at all times and under all circumstances, by the frowns and cold

looks of crabbed old age, which should continually reflect dignity

upon those around, and treat the unfortunate as well as the fortunate

with a graceful mien, he continued to use diligence and perseverance.

All this lighted a spark in his heart that changed his whole character,

and like the unyielding Deity that follows the storm to check its

rage in the forest, he resolves for the first time to shake off

his embarrassment and return where he had before only worshiped.

At last we begin to get the Major’s measure. We are able to put

this and that casual fact together, and build the man up before

our eyes, and look at him. And after we have got him built, we find

him worth the trouble. By the above comparison between his age

and Ambulinia’s, we guess the war-worn veteran to be twenty-two;

and the other facts stand thus: he had grown up in the Cherokee

country with the same equal proportions as one of the natives–

how flowing and graceful the language, and yet how tantalizing

as to meaning!–he had been turned adrift by his father, to whom he

had been “somewhat of a dutiful son”; he wandered in distant lands;

came back frequently “to the scenes of his boyhood, almost destitute

of many of the comforts of life,” in order to get into the presence

of his father’s winter-worn locks, and spread a humid veil of

darkness around his expectations; but he was always promptly sent

back to the cold charity of the combat again; he learned to play

the fiddle, and made a name for himself in that line; he had dwelt

among the wild tribes; he had philosophized about the despoilers

of the kingdoms of the earth, and found out–the cunning creature–

that they refer their differences to the learned for settlement;

he had achieved a vast fame as a military chieftain, the Achilles

of the Florida campaigns, and then had got him a spelling-book

and started to school; he had fallen in love with Ambulinia Valeer

while she was teething, but had kept it to himself awhile, out of

the reverential awe which he felt for the child; but now at last,

like the unyielding Deity who follows the storm to check its rage in

the forest, he resolves to shake off his embarrassment, and to return

where before he had only worshiped. The Major, indeed, has made up

his mind to rise up and shake his faculties together, and to see

if HE can’t do that thing himself. This is not clear. But no matter

about that: there stands the hero, compact and visible; and he is

no mean structure, considering that his creator had never structure,

considering that his creator had never created anything before,

and hadn’t anything but rags and wind to build with this time.

It seems to me that no one can contemplate this odd creature, this quaint

and curious blatherskite, without admiring McClintock, or, at any rate,

loving him and feeling grateful to him; for McClintock made him,

he gave him to us; without McClintock we could not have had him,

and would now be poor.

But we must come to the feast again. Here is a courtship scene, down

there in the romantic glades among the raccoons, alligators, and things,

that has merit, peculiar literary merit. See how Achilles woos.

Dwell upon the second sentence (particularly the close of it) and the

beginning of the third. Never mind the new personage, Leos, who is

intruded upon us unheralded and unexplained. That is McClintock’s way;

it is his habit; it is a part of his genius; he cannot help it;

he never interrupts the rush of his narrative to make introductions.

It could not escape Ambulinia’s penetrating eye that he sought

an interview with her, which she as anxiously avoided, and assumed

a more distant calmness than before, seemingly to destroy all hope.

After many efforts and struggles with his own person, with timid

steps the Major approached the damsel, with the same caution

as he would have done in a field of battle. “Lady Ambulinia,”

said he, trembling, “I have long desired a moment like this.

I dare not let it escape. I fear the consequences; yet I hope

your indulgence will at least hear my petition. Can you not

anticipate what I would say, and what I am about to express?

Will not you, like Minerva, who sprung from the brain of Jupiter,

release me from thy winding chains or cure me–” “Say no more,

Elfonzo,” answered Ambulinia, with a serious look, raising her hand

as if she intended to swear eternal hatred against the whole world;

“another lady in my place would have perhaps answered your question

in bitter coldness. I know not the little arts of my sex.

I care but little for the vanity of those who would chide me,

and am unwilling as well as ashamed to be guilty of anything

that would lead you to think ‘all is not gold that glitters’;

so be no rash in your resolution. It is better to repent now,

than to do it in a more solemn hour. Yes, I know what you would say.

I know you have a costly gift for me–the noblest that man can make–

YOUR HEART! You should not offer it to one so unworthy.

Heaven, you know, has allowed my father’s house to be made a house

of solitude, a home of silent obedience, which my parents say

is more to be admired than big names and high-sounding titles.

Notwithstanding all this, let me speak the emotions of an honest heart–

allow me to say in the fullness of my hopes that I anticipate

better days. The bird may stretch its wings toward the sun,

which it can never reach; and flowers of the field appear to

ascend in the same direction, because they cannot do otherwise;

but man confides his complaints to the saints in whom he believes;

for in their abodes of light they know no more sorrow. From your

confession and indicative looks, I must be that person; if so deceive

not yourself.”

Elfonzo replied, “Pardon me, my dear madam, for my frankness.

I have loved you from my earliest days–everything grand and beautiful

hath borne the image of Ambulinia; while precipices on every hand

surrounded me, your GUARDIAN ANGEL stood and beckoned me away from

the deep abyss. In every trial, in every misfortune, I have met

with your helping hand; yet I never dreamed or dared to cherish

thy love, till a voice impaired with age encouraged the cause,

and declared they who acquired thy favor should win a victory.

I saw how Leos worshiped thee. I felt my own unworthiness.

I began to KNOW JEALOUSLY, a strong guest–indeed, in my bosom,–

yet I could see if I gained your admiration Leos was to be my rival.

I was aware that he had the influence of your parents, and the wealth

of a deceased relative, which is too often mistaken for permanent

and regular tranquillity; yet I have determined by your permission

to beg an interest in your prayers–to ask you to animate my drooping

spirits by your smiles and your winning looks; for if you but speak

I shall be conqueror, my enemies shall stagger like Olympus shakes.

And though earth and sea may tremble, and the charioteer of the sun

may forget his dashing steed, yet I am assured that it is only

to arm me with divine weapons which will enable me to complete my

long-tried intention.”

“Return to yourself, Elfonzo,” said Ambulinia, pleasantly: “a dream

of vision has disturbed your intellect; you are above the atmosphere,

dwelling in the celestial regions; nothing is there that urges

or hinders, nothing that brings discord into our present litigation.

I entreat you to condescend a little, and be a man, and forget it all.

When Homer describes the battle of the gods and noble men fighting

with giants and dragons, they represent under this image our struggles

with the delusions of our passions. You have exalted me, an unhappy girl,

to the skies; you have called me a saint, and portrayed in your

imagination an angel in human form. Let her remain such to you,

let her continue to be as you have supposed, and be assured that she

will consider a share in your esteem as her highest treasure.

Think not that I would allure you from the path in which your

conscience leads you; for you know I respect the conscience of others,

as I would die for my own. Elfonzo, if I am worthy of thy love,

let such conversation never again pass between us. Go, seek a nobler

theme! we will seek it in the stream of time, as the sun set in

the Tigris.” As she spake these words she grasped the hand of Elfonzo,

saying at the same time–“Peace and prosperity attend you, my hero;

be up and doing!” Closing her remarks with this expression,

she walked slowly away, leaving Elfonzo astonished and amazed.

He ventured not to follow or detain her. Here he stood alone,

gazing at the stars; confounded as he was, here he stood.

Yes; there he stood. There seems to be no doubt about that.

Nearly half of this delirious story has now been delivered to the reader.

It seems a pity to reduce the other half to a cold synopsis.

Pity! it is more than a pity, it is a crime; for to synopsize McClintock

is to reduce a sky-flushing conflagration to dull embers, it is to

reduce barbaric splendor to ragged poverty. McClintock never wrote

a line that was not precious; he never wrote one that could be spared;

he never framed one from which a word could be removed without damage.

Every sentence that this master has produced may be likened to a

perfect set of teeth, white, uniform, beautiful. If you pull one,

the charm is gone.

Still, it is now necessary to begin to pull, and to keep it up;

for lack of space requires us to synopsize.

We left Elfonzo standing there amazed. At what, we do not know.

Not at the girl’s speech. No; we ourselves should have been

amazed at it, of course, for none of us has ever heard anything

resembling it; but Elfonzo was used to speeches made up of noise

and vacancy, and could listen to them with undaunted mind like

the “topmost topaz of an ancient tower”; he was used to making

them himself; he–but let it go, it cannot be guessed out; we shall

never know what it was that astonished him. He stood there awhile;

then he said, “Alas! am I now Grief’s disappointed son at last?”

He did not stop to examine his mind, and to try to find out what

he probably meant by that, because, for one reason, “a mixture

of ambition and greatness of soul moved upon his young heart,”

and started him for the village. He resumed his bench in school,

“and reasonably progressed in his education.” His heart was heavy,

but he went into society, and sought surcease of sorrow in its

light distractions. He made himself popular with his violin,

“which seemed to have a thousand chords–more symphonious than the

Muses of Apollo, and more enchanting than the ghost of the Hills.”

This is obscure, but let it go.

During this interval Leos did some unencouraged courting, but at last,

“choked by his undertaking,” he desisted.

Presently “Elfonzo again wends his way to the stately walls and

new-built village.” He goes to the house of his beloved; she opens

the door herself. To my surprise–for Ambulinia’s heart had still

seemed free at the time of their last interview–love beamed from the

girl’s eyes. One sees that Elfonzo was surprised, too; for when he caught

that light, “a halloo of smothered shouts ran through every vein.”

A neat figure–a very neat figure, indeed! Then he kissed her.

“The scene was overwhelming.” They went into the parlor. The girl

said it was safe, for her parents were abed, and would never know.

Then we have this fine picture–flung upon the canvas with hardly

an effort, as you will notice.

Advancing toward him, she gave a bright display of her rosy neck,

and from her head the ambrosial locks breathed divine fragrance;

her robe hung waving to his view, while she stood like a goddess

confessed before him.

There is nothing of interest in the couple’s interview. Now at this

point the girl invites Elfonzo to a village show, where jealousy is

the motive of the play, for she wants to teach him a wholesome lesson,

if he is a jealous person. But this is a sham, and pretty shallow.

McClintock merely wants a pretext to drag in a plagiarism of his upon

a scene or two in “Othello.”

The lovers went to the play. Elfonzo was one of the fiddlers.

He and Ambulinia must not been seen together, lest trouble follow with

the girl’s malignant father; we are made to understand that clearly.

So the two sit together in the orchestra, in the midst of the musicians.

This does not seem to be good art. In the first place, the girl would

be in the way, for orchestras are always packed closely together,

and there is no room to spare for people’s girls; in the next place,

one cannot conceal a girl in an orchestra without everybody taking

notice of it. There can be no doubt, it seems to me, that this is

bad art.

Leos is present. Of course, one of the first things that catches

his eye is the maddening spectacle of Ambulinia “leaning upon

Elfonzo’s chair.” This poor girl does not seem to understand even

the rudiments of concealment. But she is “in her seventeenth,”

as the author phrases it, and that is her justification.

Leos meditates, constructs a plan–with personal violence as a basis,

of course. It was their way down there. It is a good plain plan,

without any imagination in it. He will go out and stand at the

front door, and when these two come out he will “arrest Ambulinia

from the hands of the insolent Elfonzo,” and thus make for himself

a “more prosperous field of immortality than ever was decreed

by Omnipotence, or ever pencil drew or artist imagined.” But, dear me,

while he is waiting there the couple climb out at the back window

and scurry home! This is romantic enough, but there is a lack

of dignity in the situation.

At this point McClintock puts in the whole of his curious play–

which we skip.

Some correspondence follows now. The bitter father and the

distressed lovers write the letters. Elopements are attempted.

They are idiotically planned, and they fail. Then we have several

pages of romantic powwow and confusion dignifying nothing.

Another elopement is planned; it is to take place on Sunday,

when everybody is at church. But the “hero” cannot keep the secret;

he tells everybody. Another author would have found another

instrument when he decided to defeat this elopement; but that is

not McClintock’s way. He uses the person that is nearest at hand.

The evasion failed, of course. Ambulinia, in her flight,

takes refuge in a neighbor’s house. Her father drags her home.

The villagers gather, attracted by the racket.

Elfonzo was moved at this sight. The people followed on to see

what was going to become of Ambulinia, while he, with downcast looks,

kept at a distance, until he saw them enter the abode of the father,

thrusting her, that was the sigh of his soul, out of his presence

into a solitary apartment, when she exclaimed, “Elfonzo! Elfonzo! oh,

Elfonzo! where art thou, with all thy heroes? haste, oh! haste,

come thou to my relief. Ride on the wings of the wind! Turn thy

force loose like a tempest, and roll on thy army like a whirlwind,

over this mountain of trouble and confusion. Oh friends! if any

pity me, let your last efforts throng upon the green hills,

and come to the relief of Ambulinia, who is guilty of nothing

but innocent love.” Elfonzo called out with a loud voice, “My God,

can I stand this! arouse up, I beseech you, and put an end to

this tyranny. Come, my brave boys,” said he, “are you ready to go

forth to your duty?” They stood around him. “Who,” said he,

“will call us to arms? Where are my thunderbolts of war? Speak ye,

the first who will meet the foe! Who will go forward with me

in this ocean of grievous temptation? If there is one who desires

to go, let him come and shake hands upon the altar of devotion,

and swear that he will be a hero; yes, a Hector in a cause like this,

which calls aloud for a speedy remedy.” “Mine be the deed,”

said a young lawyer, “and mine alone; Venus alone shall quit her

station before I will forsake one jot or tittle of my promise to you;

what is death to me? what is all this warlike army, if it is not

to win a victory? I love the sleep of the lover and the mighty;

nor would I give it over till the blood of my enemies should wreak

with that of my own. But God forbid that our fame should soar

on the blood of the slumberer.” Mr. Valeer stands at his door

with the frown of a demon upon his brow, with his dangerous weapon

[3] ready to strike the first man who should enter his door.

“Who will arise and go forward through blood and carnage to the rescue

of my Ambulinia?” said Elfonzo. “All,” exclaimed the multitude;

and onward they went, with their implements of battle. Others, of a

more timid nature, stood among the distant hills to see the result of

the contest.

It will hardly be believed that after all this thunder and lightning

not a drop of rain fell; but such is the fact. Elfonzo and his

gang stood up and black-guarded Mr. Valeer with vigor all night,

getting their outlay back with interest; then in the early

morning the army and its general retired from the field,

leaving the victory with their solitary adversary and his crowbar.

This is the first time this has happened in romantic literature.

The invention is original. Everything in this book is original;

there is nothing hackneyed about it anywhere. Always, in other

romances, when you find the author leading up to a climax,

you know what is going to happen. But in this book it is different;

the thing which seems inevitable and unavoidable never happens;

it is circumvented by the art of the author every time.

Another elopement was attempted. It failed.

We have now arrived at the end. But it is not exciting.

McClintock thinks it is; but it isn’t. One day Elfonzo sent Ambulinia

another note–a note proposing elopement No. 16. This time the plan

is admirable; admirable, sagacious, ingenious, imaginative, deep–

oh, everything, and perfectly easy. One wonders why it was never

thought of before. This is the scheme. Ambulinia is to leave the

breakfast-table, ostensibly to “attend to the placing of those flowers,

which should have been done a week ago”–artificial ones, of course;

the others wouldn’t keep so long–and then, instead of fixing

the flowers, she is to walk out to the grove, and go off with Elfonzo.

The invention of this plan overstrained the author that is plain,

for he straightway shows failing powers. The details of the plan

are not many or elaborate. The author shall state them himself–

this good soul, whose intentions are always better than his English:

“You walk carelessly toward the academy grove, where you will find

me with a lightning steed, elegantly equipped to bear you off

where we shall be joined in wedlock with the first connubial rights.”

Last scene of all, which the author, now much enfeebled,

tries to smarten up and make acceptable to his spectacular heart

by introducing some new properties–silver bow, golden harp,

olive branch–things that can all come good in an elopement,

no doubt, yet are not to be compared to an umbrella for real

handiness and reliability in an excursion of that kind.

And away she ran to the sacred grove, surrounded with glittering pearls,

that indicated her coming. Elfonzo hails her with his silver bow

and his golden harp. The meet–Ambulinia’s countenance brightens–

Elfonzo leads up the winged steed. “Mount,” said he, “ye true-hearted,

ye fearless soul–the day is ours.” She sprang upon the back

of the young thunderbolt, a brilliant star sparkles upon her head,

with one hand she grasps the reins, and with the other she holds

an olive branch. “Lend thy aid, ye strong winds,” they exclaimed,

“ye moon, ye sun, and all ye fair host of heaven, witness the

enemy conquered.” “Hold,” said Elfonzo, “thy dashing steed.”

“Ride on,” said Ambulinia, “the voice of thunder is behind us.”

And onward they went, with such rapidity that they very soon arrived

at Rural Retreat, where they dismounted, and were united with all

the solemnities that usually attended such divine operations.

There is but one Homer, there is but one Shakespeare, there is but

one McClintock–and his immortal book is before you. Homer could

not have written this book, Shakespeare could not have written it,

I could not have done it myself. There is nothing just like it

in the literature of any country or of any epoch. It stands alone;

it is monumental. It adds G. Ragsdale McClintock’s to the sum of

the republic’s imperishable names.

– – –

1. The name here given is a substitute for the one actually

attached to the pamphlet.

2. Further on it will be seen that he is a country expert

on the fiddle, and has a three-township fame.

3. It is a crowbar.




[The foregoing review of the great work of G. Ragsdale McClintock is

liberally illuminated with sample extracts, but these cannot appease

the appetite. Only the complete book, unabridged, can do that.

Therefore it is here printed.–M.T.]


Sweet girl, thy smiles are full of charms,

Thy voice is sweeter still,

It fills the breast with fond alarms,

Echoed by every rill.

I begin this little work with an eulogy upon woman, who has ever

been distinguished for her perseverance, her constancy, and her

devoted attention to those upon whom she has been pleased to place

her AFFECTIONS. Many have been the themes upon which writers and

public speakers have dwelt with intense and increasing interest.

Among these delightful themes stands that of woman, the balm

to all our sighs and disappointments, and the most pre-eminent

of all other topics. Here the poet and orator have stood and gazed

with wonder and with admiration; they have dwelt upon her innocence,

the ornament of all her virtues. First viewing her external charms,

such as set forth in her form and benevolent countenance, and then passing

to the deep hidden springs of loveliness and disinterested devotion.

In every clime, and in every age, she has been the pride of her NATION.

Her watchfulness is untiring; she who guarded the sepulcher was

the first to approach it, and the last to depart from its awful

yet sublime scene. Even here, in this highly favored land,

we look to her for the security of our institutions, and for our

future greatness as a nation. But, strange as it may appear,

woman’s charms and virtues are but slightly appreciated by thousands.

Those who should raise the standard of female worth, and paint her

value with her virtues, in living colors, upon the banners that are

fanned by the zephyrs of heaven, and hand them down to posterity

as emblematical of a rich inheritance, do not properly estimate them.

Man is not sensible, at all times, of the nature and the emotions

which bear that name; he does not understand, he will not comprehend;

his intelligence has not expanded to that degree of glory which

drinks in the vast revolution of humanity, its end, its mighty

destination, and the causes which operated, and are still operating,

to produce a more elevated station, and the objects which energize

and enliven its consummation. This he is a stranger to;

he is not aware that woman is the recipient of celestial love,

and that man is dependent upon her to perfect his character;

that without her, philosophically and truly speaking, the brightest

of his intelligence is but the coldness of a winter moon,

whose beams can produce no fruit, whose solar light is not its own,

but borrowed from the great dispenser of effulgent beauty.

We have no disposition in the world to flatter the fair sex,

we would raise them above those dastardly principles which only

exist in little souls, contracted hearts, and a distracted brain.

Often does she unfold herself in all her fascinating loveliness,

presenting the most captivating charms; yet we find man frequently

treats such purity of purpose with indifference. Why does he do it?

Why does he baffle that which is inevitably the source of his

better days? Is he so much of a stranger to those excellent qualities

as not to appreciate woman, as not to have respect to her dignity?

Since her art and beauty first captivated man, she has been his

delight and his comfort; she has shared alike in his misfortunes

and in his prosperity.

Whenever the billows of adversity and the tumultuous waves of trouble

beat high, her smiles subdue their fury. Should the tear of sorrow

and the mournful sigh of grief interrupt the peace of his mind,

her voice removes them all, and she bends from her circle to encourage

him onward. When darkness would obscure his mind, and a thick cloud

of gloom would bewilder its operations, her intelligent eye darts

a ray of streaming light into his heart. Mighty and charming is that

disinterested devotion which she is ever ready to exercise toward man,

not waiting till the last moment of his danger, but seeks to relieve

him in his early afflictions. It gushes forth from the expansive

fullness of a tender and devoted heart, where the noblest, the purest,

and the most elevated and refined feelings are matured and developed

in those may kind offices which invariably make her character.

In the room of sorrow and sickness, this unequaled characteristic

may always been seen, in the performance of the most charitable acts;

nothing that she can do to promote the happiness of him who she

claims to be her protector will be omitted; all is invigorated by

the animating sunbeams which awaken the heart to songs of gaiety.

Leaving this point, to notice another prominent consideration,

which is generally one of great moment and of vital importance.

Invariably she is firm and steady in all her pursuits and aims.

There is required a combination of forces and extreme opposition to

drive her from her position; she takes her stand, not to be moved by

the sound of Apollo’s lyre or the curved bow of pleasure.

Firm and true to what she undertakes, and that which she requires

by her own aggrandizement, and regards as being within the strict rules

of propriety, she will remain stable and unflinching to the last.

A more genuine principle is not to be found in the most determined,

resolute heart of man. For this she deserves to be held in the

highest commendation, for this she deserves the purest of all

other blessings, and for this she deserves the most laudable reward

of all others. It is a noble characteristic and is worthy of imitation

of any age. And when we look at it in one particular aspect,

it is still magnified, and grows brighter and brighter the more we

reflect upon its eternal duration. What will she not do, when her

word as well as her affections and LOVE are pledged to her lover?

Everything that is dear to her on earth, all the hospitalities

of kind and loving parents, all the sincerity and loveliness

of sisters, and the benevolent devotion of brothers, who have

surrounded her with every comfort; she will forsake them all,

quit the harmony and sweet sound of the lute and the harp,

and throw herself upon the affections of some devoted admirer,

in whom she fondly hopes to find more than she has left behind,

which is not often realized by many. Truth and virtue all combined!

How deserving our admiration and love! Ah cruel would it be in man,

after she has thus manifested such an unshaken confidence in him,

and said by her determination to abandon all the endearments and

blandishments of home, to act a villainous part, and prove a traitor

in the revolution of his mission, and then turn Hector over the

innocent victim whom he swore to protect, in the presence of Heaven,

recorded by the pen of an angel.

Striking as this train may unfold itself in her character,

and as pre-eminent as it may stand among the fair display of her

other qualities, yet there is another, which struggles into existence,

and adds an additional luster to what she already possesses.

I mean that disposition in woman which enables her, in sorrow,

in grief, and in distress, to bear all with enduring patience.

This she has done, and can and will do, amid the din of war and

clash of arms. Scenes and occurrences which, to every appearance,

are calculated to rend the heart with the profoundest emotions of trouble,

do not fetter that exalted principle imbued in her very nature.

It is true, her tender and feeling heart may often be moved (as she

is thus constituted), but she is not conquered, she has not given up

to the harlequin of disappointments, her energies have not become

clouded in the last movement of misfortune, but she is continually

invigorated by the archetype of her affections. She may bury her face

in her hands, and let the tear of anguish roll, she may promenade

the delightful walks of some garden, decorated with all the flowers

of nature, or she may steal out along some gently rippling stream,

and there, as the silver waters uninterruptedly move forward,

shed her silent tears; they mingle with the waves, and take a last

farewell of their agitated home, to seek a peaceful dwelling among

the rolling floods; yet there is a voice rushing from her breast,

that proclaims VICTORY along the whole line and battlement of

her affections. That voice is the voice of patience and resignation;

that voice is one that bears everything calmly and dispassionately,

amid the most distressing scenes; when the fates are arrayed against

her peace, and apparently plotting for her destruction, still she

is resigned.

Woman’s affections are deep, consequently her troubles may be made

to sink deep. Although you may not be able to mark the traces of her

grief and the furrowings of her anguish upon her winning countenance,

yet be assured they are nevertheless preying upon her inward person,

sapping the very foundation of that heart which alone was made

for the weal and not the woe of man. The deep recesses of the soul

are fields for their operation. But they are not destined simply

to take the regions of the heart for their dominion, they are not

satisfied merely with interrupting her better feelings; but after

a while you may see the blooming cheek beginning to droop and fade,

her intelligent eye no longer sparkles with the starry light of heaven,

her vibrating pulse long since changed its regular motion, and her

palpitating bosom beats once more for the midday of her glory.

Anxiety and care ultimately throw her into the arms of the haggard

and grim monster death. But, oh, how patient, under every

pining influence! Let us view the matter in bolder colors;

see her when the dearest object of her affections recklessly seeks

every bacchanalian pleasure, contents himself with the last rubbish

of creation. With what solicitude she awaits his return! Sleep fails

to perform its office–she weeps while the nocturnal shades of the

night triumph in the stillness. Bending over some favorite book,

whilst the author throws before her mind the most beautiful imagery,

she startles at every sound. The midnight silence is broken

by the solemn announcement of the return of another morning.

He is still absent; she listens for that voice which has so often

been greeted by the melodies of her own; but, alas! stern silence

is all that she receives for her vigilance.

Mark her unwearied watchfulness, as the night passes away.

At last, brutalized by the accursed thing, he staggers along

with rage, and, shivering with cold, he makes his appearance.

Not a murmur is heard from her lips. On the contrary, she meets him

with a smile–she caresses him with tender arms, with all the gentleness

and softness of her sex. Here, then, is seen her disposition,

beautifully arrayed. Woman, thou art more to be admired than the spicy

gales of Arabia, and more sought for than the gold of Golconda.

We believe that Woman should associate freely with man, and we believe

that it is for the preservation of her rights. She should become

acquainted with the metaphysical designs of those who condescended

to sing the siren song of flattery. This, we think, should be

according to the unwritten law of decorum, which is stamped upon

every innocent heart. The precepts of prudery are often steeped

in the guilt of contamination, which blasts the expectations of

better moments. Truth, and beautiful dreams–loveliness, and delicacy

of character, with cherished affections of the ideal woman–

gentle hopes and aspirations, are enough to uphold her in the storms

of darkness, without the transferred colorings of a stained sufferer.

How often have we seen it in our public prints, that woman occupies

a false station in the world! and some have gone so far as to say it

was an unnatural one. So long has she been regarded a weak creature,

by the rabble and illiterate–they have looked upon her as an

insufficient actress on the great stage of human life–a mere puppet,

to fill up the drama of human existence–a thoughtless, inactive being–

that she has too often come to the same conclusion herself, and has

sometimes forgotten her high destination, in the meridian of her glory.

We have but little sympathy or patience for those who treat her as

a mere Rosy Melindi–who are always fishing for pretty complements–

who are satisfied by the gossamer of Romance, and who can be

allured by the verbosity of high-flown words, rich in language,

but poor and barren in sentiment. Beset, as she has been, by the

intellectual vulgar, the selfish, the designing, the cunning, the hidden,

and the artful–no wonder she has sometimes folded her wings in despair,

and forgotten her HEAVENLY mission in the delirium of imagination;

no wonder she searches out some wild desert, to find a peaceful home.

But this cannot always continue. A new era is moving gently onward,

old things are rapidly passing away; old superstitions, old prejudices,

and old notions are now bidding farewell to their old associates

and companions, and giving way to one whose wings are plumed

with the light of heaven and tinged by the dews of the morning.

There is a remnant of blessedness that clings to her in spite of all

evil influence, there is enough of the Divine Master left to accomplish

the noblest work ever achieved under the canopy of the vaulted skies;

and that time is fast approaching, when the picture of the true

woman will shine from its frame of glory, to captivate, to win back,

to restore, and to call into being once more, THE OBJECT OF HER MISSION.

Star of the brave! thy glory shed,

O’er all the earth, thy army led–

Bold meteor of immortal birth!

Why come from Heaven to dwell on Earth?

Mighty and glorious are the days of youth; happy the moments

of the LOVER, mingled with smiles and tears of his devoted,

and long to be remembered are the achievements which he gains with a

palpitating heart and a trembling hand. A bright and lovely dawn,

the harbinger of a fair and prosperous day, had arisen over the

beautiful little village of Cumming, which is surrounded by the

most romantic scenery in the Cherokee country. Brightening clouds

seemed to rise from the mist of the fair Chattahoochee, to spread

their beauty over the the thick forest, to guide the hero whose

bosom beats with aspirations to conquer the enemy that would tarnish

his name, and to win back the admiration of his long-tried friend.

He endeavored to make his way through Sawney’s Mountain, where many meet

to catch the gales that are continually blowing for the refreshment

of the stranger and the traveler. Surrounded as he was by hills

on every side, naked rocks dared the efforts of his energies.

Soon the sky became overcast, the sun buried itself in the clouds,

and the fair day gave place to gloomy twilight, which lay heavily

on the Indian Plains. He remembered an old Indian Castle,

that once stood at the foot of the mountain. He thought if he could

make his way to this, he would rest contented for a short time.

The mountain air breathed fragrance–a rosy tinge rested on the glassy

waters that murmured at its base. His resolution soon brought him

to the remains of the red man’s hut: he surveyed with wonder and

astonishment the decayed building, which time had buried in the dust,

and thought to himself, his happiness was not yet complete.

Beside the shore of the brook sat a young man, about eighteen or twenty,

who seemed to be reading some favorite book, and who had a remarkably

noble countenance–eyes which betrayed more than a common mind.

This of course made the youth a welcome guest, and gained him

friends in whatever condition of life he might be placed.

The traveler observed that he was a well-built figure, which showed

strength and grace in every movement. He accordingly addressed

him in quite a gentlemanly manner, and inquired of him the way

to the village. After he had received the desired information,

and was about taking his leave, the youth said, “Are you not

Major Elfonzo, the great musician–the champion of a noble cause–

the modern Achilles, who gained so many victories in the Florida War?”

“I bear that name,” said the Major, “and those titles,

trusting at the same time that the ministers of grace will carry

me triumphantly through all my laudable undertakings, and if,”

continued the Major, “you, sir, are the patronizer of noble deeds,

I should like to make you my confidant and learn your address.”

The youth looked somewhat amazed, bowed low, mused for a moment,

and began: “My name is Roswell. I have been recently admitted

to the bar, and can only give a faint outline of my future success

in that honorable profession; but I trust, sir, like the Eagle,

I shall look down from lofty rocks upon the dwellings of man, and shall

ever be ready to give you any assistance in my official capacity,

and whatever this muscular arm of mine can do, whenever it shall be

called from its buried GREATNESS.” The Major grasped him by the hand,

and exclaimed: “O! thou exalted spirit of inspiration–thou flame

of burning prosperity, may the Heaven-directed blaze be the glare

of thy soul, and battle down every rampart that seems to impede

your progress!”

The road which led to the town presented many attractions.

Elfonzo had bid farewell to the youth of deep feeling, and was

not wending his way to the dreaming spot of his fondness.

The south winds whistled through the woods, as the waters dashed

against the banks, as rapid fire in the pent furnace roars.

This brought him to remember while alone, that he quietly left behind

the hospitality of a father’s house, and gladly entered the world,

with higher hopes than are often realized. But as he journeyed onward,

he was mindful of the advice of his father, who had often looked

sadly on the ground when tears of cruelly deceived hope moistened

his eye. Elfonzo had been somewhat of a dutiful son; yet fond

of the amusements of life–had been in distant lands–had enjoyed

the pleasure of the world and had frequently returned to the scenes

of his boyhood, almost destitute of many of the comforts of life.

In this condition, he would frequently say to his father, “Have I

offended you, that you look upon me as a stranger, and frown upon

me with stinging looks? Will you not favor me with the sound of

your voice? If I have trampled upon your veneration, or have spread

a humid veil of darkness around your expectations, send me back into

the world where no heart beats for me–where the foot of man has

never yet trod; but give me at least one kind word–allow me to come

into the presence sometimes of thy winter-worn locks.” “Forbid it,

Heaven, that I should be angry with thee,” answered the father,

“my son, and yet I send thee back to the children of the world–

to the cold charity of the combat, and to a land of victory. I read

another destiny in thy countenance–I learn thy inclinations from

the flame that has already kindled in my soul a stranger sensation.

It will seek thee, my dear ELFONZO, it will find thee–thou canst

not escape that lighted torch, which shall blot out from the

remembrance of men a long train of prophecies which they have

foretold against thee. I once thought not so. Once, I was blind;

but now the path of life is plain before me, and my sight is clear;

yet Elfonzo, return to thy worldly occupation–take again in thy

hand that chord of sweet sounds–struggle with the civilized world,

and with your own heart; fly swiftly to the enchanted ground–

let the night-OWL send forth its screams from the stubborn oak–

let the sea sport upon the beach, and the stars sing together;

but learn of these, Elfonzo, thy doom, and thy hiding-place. Our most

innocent as well as our most lawful DESIRES must often be denied us,

that we may learn to sacrifice them to a Higher will.”

Remembering such admonitions with gratitude, Elfonzo was immediately

urged by the recollection of his father’s family to keep moving.

His steps became quicker and quicker–he hastened through the PINY woods,

dark as the forest was, and with joy he very soon reached the little

village or repose, in whose bosom rested the boldest chivalry.

His close attention to every important object–his modest questions

about whatever was new to him–his reverence for wise old age,

and his ardent desire to learn many of the fine arts, soon brought him

into respectable notice.

One mild winter day as he walked along the streets toward the Academy,

which stood upon a small eminence, surrounded by native growth–

some venerable in its appearance, others young and prosperous–

all seemed inviting, and seemed to be the very place for learning as

well as for genius to spend its research beneath its spreading shades.

He entered its classic walls in the usual mode of southern manners.

The principal of the Institution begged him to be seated and listen

to the recitations that were going on. He accordingly obeyed

the request, and seemed to be much pleased. After the school

was dismissed, and the young hearts regained their freedom,

with the songs of the evening, laughing at the anticipated pleasures

of a happy home, while others tittered at the actions of the past day,

he addressed the teacher in a tone that indicated a resolution–

with an undaunted mind. He said he had determined to become

a student, if he could meet with his approbation. “Sir,” said he,

“I have spent much time in the world. I have traveled among

the uncivilized inhabitants of America. I have met with friends,

and combated with foes; but none of these gratify my ambition,

or decide what is to be my destiny. I see the learned would

have an influence with the voice of the people themselves.

The despoilers of the remotest kingdoms of the earth refer their

differences to this class of persons. This the illiterate and

inexperienced little dream of; and now if you will receive me as I am,

with these deficiencies–with all my misguided opinions, I will give

you my honor, sir, that I will never disgrace the Institution,

or those who have placed you in this honorable station.”

The instructor, who had met with many disappointments, knew how to

feel for a stranger who had been thus turned upon the charities

of an unfeeling community. He looked at him earnestly, and said:

“Be of good cheer–look forward, sir, to the high destination you

may attain. Remember, the more elevated the mark at which you aim,

the more sure, the more glorious, the more magnificent the prize.”

From wonder to wonder, his encouragement led the impatient listener.

A stranger nature bloomed before him–giant streams promised

him success–gardens of hidden treasures opened to his view.

All this, so vividly described, seemed to gain a new witchery from his

glowing fancy.

In 1842 he entered the class, and made rapid progress in the English

and Latin departments. Indeed, he continued advancing with such

rapidity that he was like to become the first in his class,

and made such unexpected progress, and was so studious, that he had

almost forgotten the pictured saint of his affections. The fresh

wreaths of the pine and cypress had waited anxiously to drop once

more the dews of Heavens upon the heads of those who had so often

poured forth the tender emotions of their souls under its boughs.

He was aware of the pleasure that he had seen there. So one evening,

as he was returning from his reading, he concluded he would pay a visit

to this enchanting spot. Little did he think of witnessing a shadow

of his former happiness, though no doubt he wished it might be so.

He continued sauntering by the roadside, meditating on the past.

The nearer he approached the spot, the more anxious he became.

At the moment a tall female figure flitted across his path, with a

bunch of roses in her hand; her countenance showed uncommon vivacity,

with a resolute spirit; her ivory teeth already appeared as she

smiled beautifully, promenading–while her ringlets of hair dangled

unconsciously around her snowy neck. Nothing was wanting to complete

her beauty. The tinge of the rose was in full bloom upon her cheek;

the charms of sensibility and tenderness were always her associates..

In Ambulinia’s bosom dwelt a noble soul–one that never faded–

one that never was conquered. Her heart yielded to no feeling

but the love of Elfonzo, on whom she gazed with intense delight,

and to whom she felt herself more closely bound ,because he sought

the hand of no other. Elfonzo was roused from his apparent reverie.

His books no longer were his inseparable companions–his thoughts

arrayed themselves to encourage him in the field of victory.

He endeavored to speak to his supposed Ambulinia, but his speech

appeared not in words. No, his effort was a stream of fire,

that kindled his soul into a flame of admiration, and carried

his senses away captive. Ambulinia had disappeared, to make him

more mindful of his duty. As she walked speedily away through

the piny woods she calmly echoed: “O! Elfonzo, thou wilt

now look from thy sunbeams. Thou shalt now walk in a new path–

perhaps thy way leads through darkness; but fear not, the stars

foretell happiness.”

Not many days afterward, as surrounded by fragrant flowers she sat

one evening at twilight, to enjoy the cool breeze that whispered

notes of melody along the distant groves, the little birds perched

on every side, as if to watch the movements of their new visitor.

The bells were tolling when Elfonzo silently stole along by the wild

wood flowers, holding in his hand his favorite instrument of music–

his eye continually searching for Ambulinia, who hardly seemed

to perceive him, as she played carelessly with the songsters

that hopped from branch to branch. Nothing could be more striking

than the difference between the two. Nature seemed to have given

the more tender soul to Elfonzo, and the stronger and more courageous

to Ambulinia. A deep feeling spoke from the eyes of Elfonzo–

such a feeling as can only be expressed by those who are blessed

as admirers, and by those who are able to return the same with

sincerity of heart. He was a few years older than Ambulinia:

she had turned a little into her seventeenth. He had almost grown

up in the Cherokee country, with the same equal proportions as one

of the natives. But little intimacy had existed between them until

the year forty-one–because the youth felt that the character of such

a lovely girl was too exalted to inspire any other feeling than

that of quiet reverence. But as lovers will not always be insulted,

at all times and under all circumstances, by the frowns and cold

looks of crabbed old age, which should continually reflect dignity

upon those around, and treat unfortunate as well as the fortunate

with a graceful mien, he continued to use diligence and perseverance.

All this lighted a spark in his heart that changed his whole character,

and like the unyielding Deity that follows the storm to check its

rage in the forest, he resolves for the first time to shake off

his embarrassment and return where he had before only worshiped.

It could not escape Ambulinia’s penetrating eye that he sought

an interview with her, which she as anxiously avoided, and assumed

a more distant calmness than before, seemingly to destroy all hope.

After many efforts and struggles with his own person, with timid

steps the Major approached the damsel, with the same caution

as he would have done in a field of battle. “Lady Ambulinia,”

said he, trembling, “I have long desired a moment like this.

I dare not let it escape. I fear the consequences; yet I hope

your indulgence will at least hear my petition. Can you not

anticipate what I would say, and what I am about to express?

Will not you, like Minerva, who sprung from the brain of Jupiter,

release me from thy winding chains or cure me–” “Say no more,

Elfonzo,” answered Ambulinia, with a serious look, raising her hand

as if she intended to swear eternal hatred against the whole world;

“another lady in my place would have perhaps answered your question

in bitter coldness. I know not the little arts of my sex.

I care but little for the vanity of those who would chide me,

and am unwilling as well as shamed to be guilty of anything

that would lead you to think ‘all is not gold that glitters’;

so be not rash in your resolution. It is better to repent now than

to do it in a more solemn hour. Yes, I know what you would say.

I know you have a costly gift for me–the noblest that man can make–

YOUR HEART! you should not offer it to one so unworthy.

Heaven, you know, has allowed my father’s house to be made a house

of solitude, a home of silent obedience, which my parents say

is more to be admired than big names and high-sounding titles.

Notwithstanding all this, let me speak the emotions of an honest heart;

allow me to say in the fullness of my hopes that I anticipate

better days. The bird may stretch its wings toward the sun,

which it can never reach; and flowers of the field appear to

ascend in the same direction, because they cannot do otherwise;

but man confides his complaints to the saints in whom he believes;

for in their abodes of light they know no more sorrow. From your

confession and indicative looks, I must be that person; if so,

deceive not yourself.”

Elfonzo replied, “Pardon me, my dear madam, for my frankness.

I have loved you from my earliest days; everything grand and beautiful

hath borne the image of Ambulinia; while precipices on every hand

surrounded me, your GUARDIAN ANGEL stood and beckoned me away from

the deep abyss. In every trial, in every misfortune, I have met

with your helping hand; yet I never dreamed or dared to cherish

thy love till a voice impaired with age encouraged the cause,

and declared they who acquired thy favor should win a victory.

I saw how Leos worshipped thee. I felt my own unworthiness.

I began to KNOW JEALOUSY–a strong guest, indeed, in my bosom–

yet I could see if I gained your admiration Leos was to be my rival.

I was aware that he had the influence of your parents, and the wealth

of a deceased relative, which is too often mistaken for permanent

and regular tranquillity; yet I have determined by your permission

to beg an interest in your prayers–to ask you to animate my dropping

spirits by your smiles and your winning looks; for if you but speak

I shall be conqueror, my enemies shall stagger like Olympus shakes.

And though earth and sea may tremble, and the charioteer of the sun

may forget his dashing steed, yet I am assured that it is only

to arm me with divine weapons which will enable me to complete my

long-tried intention.”

“Return to your self, Elfonzo,” said Ambulinia, pleasantly; “a dream

of vision has disturbed your intellect; you are above the atmosphere,

dwelling in the celestial regions; nothing is there that urges

or hinders, nothing that brings discord into our present litigation.

I entreat you to condescend a little, and be a man, and forget it all.

When Homer describes the battle of the gods and noble men fighting

with giants and dragons, they represent under this image our struggles

with the delusions of our passions. You have exalted me, an unhappy girl,

to the skies; you have called me a saint, and portrayed in your

imagination an angel in human form. Let her remain such to you,

let her continue to be as you have supposed, and be assured that she

will consider a share in your esteem as her highest treasure.

Think not that I would allure you from the path in which your

conscience leads you; for you know I respect the conscience of others,

as I would die for my own. Elfonzo, if I am worthy of thy love,

let such conversation never again pass between us. Go, seek a nobler

theme! we will seek it in the stream of time as the sun set in

the Tigris.” As she spake these words she grasped the hand of Elfonzo,

saying at the same time, “Peace and prosperity attend you, my hero:

be up and doing!’ Closing her remarks with this expression,

she walked slowly away, leaving Elfonzo astonished and amazed.

He ventured not to follow or detain her. Here he stood alone,

gazing at the stars; confounded as he was, here he stood. The rippling

stream rolled on at his feet. Twilight had already begun to draw

her sable mantle over the earth, and now and then the fiery smoke

would ascend from the little town which lay spread out before him.

The citizens seemed to be full of life and good-humor; but poor Elfonzo

saw not a brilliant scene. No; his future life stood before him,

stripped of the hopes that once adorned all his sanguine desires.

“Alas!” said he, “am I now Grief’s disappointed son at last.”

Ambulinia’s image rose before his fancy. A mixture of ambition

and greatness of soul moved upon his young heart, and encouraged

him to bear all his crosses with the patience of a Job,

notwithstanding he had to encounter with so many obstacles.

He still endeavored to prosecute his studies, and reasonable

progressed in his education. Still, he was not content; there was

something yet to be done before his happiness was complete.

He would visit his friends and acquaintances. They would invite him

to social parties, insisting that he should partake of the amusements

that were going on. This he enjoyed tolerably well. The ladies

and gentlemen were generally well pleased with the Major; as he

delighted all with his violin, which seemed to have a thousand chords–

more symphonious than the Muses of Apollo and more enchanting

than the ghost of the Hills. He passed some days in the country.

During that time Leos had made many calls upon Ambulinia, who was

generally received with a great deal of courtesy by the family.

They thought him to be a young man worthy of attention, though he

had but little in his soul to attract the attention or even win

the affections of her whose graceful manners had almost made

him a slave to every bewitching look that fell from her eyes.

Leos made several attempts to tell her of his fair prospects–

how much he loved her, and how much it would add to his bliss if he

could but think she would be willing to share these blessings

with him; but, choked by his undertaking, he made himself more like an

inactive drone than he did like one who bowed at beauty’s shrine.

Elfonzo again wends his way to the stately walls and new-built village.

He now determines to see the end of the prophesy which had been

foretold to him. The clouds burst from his sight; he believes

if he can but see his Ambulinia, he can open to her view the bloody

altars that have been misrepresented to stigmatize his name.

He knows that her breast is transfixed with the sword of reason,

and ready at all times to detect the hidden villainy of her enemies.

He resolves to see her in her own home, with the consoling theme:

“‘I can but perish if I go.’ Let the consequences be what they may,”

said he, “if I die, it shall be contending and struggling for my

own rights.”

Night had almost overtaken him when he arrived in town. Colonel Elder,

a noble-hearted, high-minded, and independent man, met him at

his door as usual, and seized him by the hand. “Well, Elfonzo,”

said the Colonel, “how does the world use you in your efforts?”

“I have no objection to the world,” said Elfonzo, “but the people

are rather singular in some of their opinions.” “Aye, well,”

said the Colonel, “you must remember that creation is made up of

many mysteries; just take things by the right handle; be always sure

you know which is the smooth side before you attempt your polish;

be reconciled to your fate, be it what it may; and never find fault

with your condition, unless your complaining will benefit it.

Perseverance is a principle that should be commendable in those who have

judgment to govern it. I should never had been so successful in my

hunting excursions had I waited till the deer, by some magic dream,

had been drawn to the muzzle of the gun before I made an attempt to fire

at the game that dared my boldness in the wild forest. The great

mystery in hunting seems to be–a good marksman, a resolute mind,

a fixed determination, and my world for it, you will never return

home without sounding your horn with the breath of a new victory.

And so with every other undertaking. Be confident that your ammunition

is of the right kind–always pull your trigger with a steady hand,

and so soon as you perceive a calm, touch her off, and the spoils

are yours.”

This filled him with redoubled vigor, and he set out with a stronger

anxiety than ever to the home of Ambulinia. A few short steps soon

brought him to the door, half out of breath. He rapped gently.

Ambulinia, who sat in the parlor alone, suspecting Elfonzo was near,

ventured to the door, opened it, and beheld the hero, who stood

in an humble attitude, bowed gracefully, and as they caught each

other’s looks the light of peace beamed from the eyes of Ambulinia.

Elfonzo caught the expression; a halloo of smothered shouts ran

through every vein, and for the first time he dared to impress a kiss

upon her cheek. The scene was overwhelming; had the temptation

been less animating, he would not have ventured to have acted

so contrary to the desired wish of his Ambulinia; but who could

have withstood the irrestistable temptation! What society condemns

the practice but a cold, heartless, uncivilized people that know

nothing of the warm attachments of refined society? Here the dead

was raised to his long-cherished hopes, and the lost was found.

Here all doubt and danger were buried in the vortex of oblivion;

sectional differences no longer disunited their opinions; like the freed

bird from the cage, sportive claps its rustling wings, wheels about

to heaven in a joyful strain, and raises its notes to the upper sky.

Ambulinia insisted upon Elfonzo to be seated, and give her a history

of his unnecessary absence; assuring him the family had retired,

consequently they would ever remain ignorant of his visit.

Advancing toward him, she gave a bright display of her rosy neck,

and from her head the ambrosial locks breathed divine fragrance;

her robe hung waving to his view, while she stood like a goddess

confessed before him.

“It does seem to me, my dear sir,” said Ambulinia, “that you have

been gone an age. Oh, the restless hours I have spent since I last

saw you, in yon beautiful grove. There is where I trifled with your

feelings for the express purpose of trying your attachment for me.

I now find you are devoted; but ah! I trust you live not unguarded

by the powers of Heaven. Though oft did I refuse to join my hand

with thine, and as oft did I cruelly mock thy entreaties with

borrowed shapes: yes, I feared to answer thee by terms, in words

sincere and undissembled. O! could I pursue, and you have leisure

to hear the annals of my woes, the evening star would shut Heaven’s

gates upon the impending day before my tale would be finished,

and this night would find me soliciting your forgiveness.”

“Dismiss thy fears and thy doubts,” replied Elfonzo.

“Look, O! look: that angelic look of thine–bathe not thy visage

in tears; banish those floods that are gathering; let my confession

and my presence being thee some relief.” “Then, indeed, I will

be cheerful,” said Ambulinia, “and I think if we will go to the

exhibition this evening, we certainly will see something worthy

of our attention. One of the most tragical scenes is to be acted

that has ever been witnessed, and one that every jealous-hearted person

should learn a lesson from. It cannot fail to have a good effect,

as it will be performed by those who are young and vigorous,

and learned as well as enticing. You are aware, Major Elfonzo, who are

to appear on the stage, and what the characters are to represent.”

“I am acquainted with the circumstances,” replied Elfonzo, “and as I

am to be one of the musicians upon that interesting occasion,

I should be much gratified if you would favor me with your company

during the hours of the exercises.”

“What strange notions are in your mind?” inquired Ambulinia.

“Now I know you have something in view, and I desire you to tell

me why it is that you are so anxious that I should continue

with you while the exercises are going on; though if you think I

can add to your happiness and predilections, I have no particular

objection to acquiesce in your request. Oh, I think I foresee,

now, what you anticipate.” “And will you have the goodness to tell

me what you think it will be?” inquired Elfonzo. “By all means,”

answered Ambulinia; “a rival, sir, you would fancy in your own mind;

but let me say for you, fear not! fear not! I will be one of the

last persons to disgrace my sex by thus encouraging every one who

may feel disposed to visit me, who may honor me with their graceful

bows and their choicest compliments. It is true that young men too

often mistake civil politeness for the finer emotions of the heart,

which is tantamount to courtship; but, ah! how often are they deceived,

when they come to test the weight of sunbeams with those on whose

strength hangs the future happiness of an untried life.”

The people were now rushing to the Academy with impatient anxiety;

the band of music was closely followed by the students; then the parents

and guardians; nothing interrupted the glow of spirits which ran

through every bosom, tinged with the songs of a Virgil and the tide

of a Homer. Elfonzo and Ambulinia soon repaired to the scene,

and fortunately for them both the house was so crowded that they took

their seats together in the music department, which was not in view

of the auditory. This fortuitous circumstances added more the bliss

of the Major than a thousand such exhibitions would have done.

He forgot that he was man; music had lost its charms for him;

whenever he attempted to carry his part, the string of the instrument

would break, the bow became stubborn, and refused to obey the loud

calls of the audience. Here, he said, was the paradise of his home,

the long-sought-for opportunity; he felt as though he could

send a million supplications to the throne of Heaven for such

an exalted privilege. Poor Leos, who was somewhere in the crowd,

looking as attentively as if he was searching for a needle in a haystack;

here is stood, wondering to himself why Ambulinia was not there.

“Where can she be? Oh! if she was only here, how I could relish

the scene! Elfonzo is certainly not in town; but what if he is?

I have got the wealth, if I have not the dignity, and I am sure that

the squire and his lady have always been particular friends of mine,

and I think with this assurance I shall be able to get upon the blind

side of the rest of the family and make the heaven-born Ambulinia

the mistress of all I possess.” Then, again, he would drop his head,

as if attempting to solve the most difficult problem in Euclid.

While he was thus conjecturing in his own mind, a very interesting

part of the exhibition was going on, which called the attention

of all present. The curtains of the stage waved continually

by the repelled forces that were given to them, which caused

Leos to behold Ambulinia leaning upon the chair of Elfonzo.

Her lofty beauty, seen by the glimmering of the chandelier,

filled his heart with rapture, he knew not how to contain himself;

to go where they were would expose him to ridicule; to continue

where he was, with such an object before him, without being allowed

an explanation in that trying hour, would be to the great injury

of his mental as well as of his physical powers; and, in the name

of high heaven, what must he do? Finally, he resolved to contain

himself as well as he conveniently could, until the scene was over,

and then he would plant himself at the door, to arrest Ambulinia from

the hands of the insolent Elfonzo, and thus make for himself a more

prosperous field of immortality than ever was decreed by Omnipotence,

or ever pencil drew or artist imagined. Accordingly he made

himself sentinel, immediately after the performance of the evening–

retained his position apparently in defiance of all the world; he waited,

he gazed at every lady, his whole frame trembled; here he stood,

until everything like human shape had disappeared from the institution,

and he had done nothing; he had failed to accomplish that which he

so eagerly sought for. Poor, unfortunate creature! he had not

the eyes of an Argus, or he might have seen his Juno and Elfonzo,

assisted by his friend Sigma, make their escape from the window,

and, with the rapidity of a race-horse, hurry through the blast of

the storm to the residence of her father, without being recognized.

He did not tarry long, but assured Ambulinia the endless chain

of their existence was more closely connected than ever, since he

had seen the virtuous, innocent, imploring, and the constant

Amelia murdered by the jealous-hearted Farcillo, the accursed of

the land.

The following is the tragical scene, which is only introduced

to show the subject-matter that enabled Elfonzo to come to such

a determinate resolution that nothing of the kind should ever

dispossess him of his true character, should he be so fortunate

as to succeed in his present undertaking.

Amelia was the wife of Farcillo, and a virtuous woman; Gracia,

a young lady, was her particular friend and confidant. Farcillo grew

jealous of Amelia, murders her, finds out that he was deceived,

AND STABS HIMSELF. Amelia appears alone, talking to herself.

A. Hail, ye solitary ruins of antiquity, ye sacred tombs and

silent walks! it is your aid I invoke; it is to you, my soul,

wrapt in deep mediating, pours forth its prayer. Here I wander upon

the stage of mortality, since the world hath turned against me.

Those whom I believed to be my friends, alas! are now my enemies,

planting thorns in all my paths, poisoning all my pleasures,

and turning the past to pain. What a lingering catalogue of sighs

and tears lies just before me, crowding my aching bosom with

the fleeting dream of humanity, which must shortly terminate.

And to what purpose will all this bustle of life, these agitations

and emotions of the heart have conduced, if it leave behind it

nothing of utility, if it leave no traces of improvement? Can it

be that I am deceived in my conclusions? No, I see that I have

nothing to hope for, but everything for fear, which tends to drive

me from the walks of time.

Oh! in this dead night, if loud winds arise,

To lash the surge and bluster in the skies,

May the west its furious rage display,

Toss me with storms in the watery way.

(Enter Gracia.)

G. Oh, Amelia, is it you, the object of grief, the daughter of opulence,

of wisdom and philosophy, that thus complaineth? It cannot be you

are the child of misfortune, speaking of the monuments of former ages,

which were allotted not for the reflection of the distressed,

but for the fearless and bold.

A. Not the child of poverty, Gracia, or the heir of glory and peace,

but of fate. Remember, I have wealth more than wit can number; I have

had power more than kings could emcompass; yet the world seems a desert;

all nature appears an afflictive spectacle of warring passions.

This blind fatality, that capriciously sports with the rules

and lives of mortals, tells me that the mountains will never again

send forth the water of their springs to my thirst. Oh, that I

might be freed and set at liberty from wretchedness! But I fear,

I fear this will never be.

G. Why, Amelia, this untimely grief? What has caused the sorrows

that bespeak better and happier days, to those lavish out such

heaps of misery? You are aware that your instructive lessons

embellish the mind with holy truths, by wedding its attention

to none but great and noble affections.

A. This, of course, is some consolation. I will ever love my own

species with feelings of a fond recollection, and while I am

studying to advance the universal philanthropy, and the spotless

name of my own sex, I will try to build my own upon the pleasing

belief that I have accelerated the advancement of one who whispers

of departed confidence.

And I, like some poor peasant fated to reside

Remote from friends, in a forest wide.

Oh, see what woman’s woes and human wants require,

Since that great day hath spread the seed of sinful fire.

G. Look up, thou poor disconsolate; you speak of quitting

earthly enjoyments. Unfold thy bosom to a friend, who would be

willing to sacrifice every enjoyment for the restoration of the

dignity and gentleness of mind which used to grace your walks,

and which is so natural to yourself; not only that, but your

paths were strewed with flowers of every hue and of every order.

With verdant green the mountains glow,

For thee, for thee, the lilies grow;

Far stretched beneath the tented hills,

A fairer flower the valley fills.

A. Oh, would to Heaven I could give you a short narrative of my

former prospects for happiness, since you have acknowledged to be

an unchangeable confidant–the richest of all other blessings.

Oh, ye names forever glorious, ye celebrated scenes, ye renowned

spot of my hymeneal moments; how replete is your chart with

sublime reflections! How many profound vows, decorated with

immaculate deeds, are written upon the surface of that precious

spot of earth where I yielded up my life of celibacy, bade youth

with all its beauties a final adieu, took a last farewell of the

laurels that had accompanied me up the hill of my juvenile career.

It was then I began to descend toward the valley of disappointment

and sorrow; it was then I cast my little bark upon a mysterious ocean

of wedlock, with him who then smiled and caressed me, but, alas! now

frowns with bitterness, and has grown jealous and cold toward me,

because the ring he gave me is misplaced or lost. Oh, bear me,

ye flowers of memory, softly through the eventful history of

past times; and ye places that have witnessed the progression of man

in the circle of so many societies, and, of, aid my recollection,

while I endeavor to trace the vicissitudes of a life devoted

in endeavoring to comfort him that I claim as the object of my wishes.

Ah! ye mysterious men, of all the world, how few

Act just to Heaven and to your promise true!

But He who guides the stars with a watchful eye,

The deeds of men lay open without disguise;

Oh, this alone will avenge the wrongs I bear,

For all the oppressed are His peculiar care.

(F. makes a slight noise.)

A. Who is there–Farcillo?

G. Then I must gone. Heaven protect you. Oh, Amelia, farewell,

be of good cheer.

May you stand like Olympus’ towers,

Against earth and all jealous powers!

May you, with loud shouts ascend on high

Swift as an eagle in the upper sky.

A. Why so cold and distant tonight, Farcillo? Come, let us each

other greet, and forget all the past, and give security for the future.

F. Security! talk to me about giving security for the future–

what an insulting requisition! Have you said your prayers tonight,

Madam Amelia?

A. Farcillo, we sometimes forget our duty, particularly when we

expect to be caressed by others.

F. If you bethink yourself of any crime, or of any fault, that is

yet concealed from the courts of Heaven and the thrones of grace,

I bid you ask and solicit forgiveness for it now.

A. Oh, be kind, Farcillo, don’t treat me so. What do you mean

by all this?

F. Be kind, you say; you, madam, have forgot that kindness you owe

to me, and bestowed it upon another; you shall suffer for your

conduct when you make your peace with your God. I would not slay thy

unprotected spirit. I call to Heaven to be my guard and my watch–

I would not kill thy soul, in which all once seemed just, right,

and perfect; but I must be brief, woman.

A. What, talk you of killing? Oh, Farcillo, Farcillo, what is

the matter?

F. Aye, I do, without doubt; mark what I say, Amelia.

A. Then, O God, O Heaven, and Angels, be propitious, and have mercy

upon me.

F. Amen to that, madam, with all my heart, and with all my soul.

A. Farcillo, listen to me one moment; I hope you will not kill me.

F. Kill you, aye, that I will; attest it, ye fair host of light,

record it, ye dark imps of hell!

A. Oh, I fear you–you are fatal when darkness covers your brow;

yet I know not why I should fear, since I never wronged you in all

my life. I stand, sir, guiltless before you.

F. You pretend to say you are guiltless! Think of thy sins,

Amelia; think, oh, think, hidden woman.

A. Wherein have I not been true to you? That death is unkind,

cruel, and unnatural, that kills for living.

F. Peace, and be still while I unfold to thee.

A. I will, Farcillo, and while I am thus silent, tell me the cause

of such cruel coldness in an hour like this.

F. That RING, oh, that ring I so loved, and gave thee as the ring

of my heart; the allegiance you took to be faithful, when it

was presented; the kisses and smiles with which you honored it.

You became tired of the donor, despised it as a plague, and finally

gave it to Malos, the hidden, the vile traitor.

A. No, upon my word and honor, I never did; I appeal to the Most

High to bear me out in this matter. Send for Malos, and ask him.

F. Send for Malos, aye! Malos you wish to see; I thought so.

I knew you could not keep his name concealed. Amelia, sweet Amelia,

take heed, take heed of perjury; you are on the stage of death,

to suffer for YOUR SINS.

A. What, not to die I hope, my Farcillo, my ever beloved.

F. Yes, madam, to die a traitor’s death. Shortly your spirit shall

take its exit; therefore confess freely thy sins, for to deny tends

only to make me groan under the bitter cup thou hast made for me.

Thou art to die with the name of traitor on thy brow!

A. Then, O Lord, have mercy upon me; give me courage, give me grace

and fortitude to stand this hour of trial.

F. Amen, I say, with all my heart.

A. And, oh, Farcillo, will you have mercy, too? I never

intentionally offended you in all my life, never LOVED Malos,

never gave him cause to think so, as the high court of Justice

will acquit me before its tribunal.

F. Oh, false, perjured woman, thou didst chill my blood, and makest

me a demon like thyself. I saw the ring.

A. He found it, then, or got it clandestinely; send for him,

and let him confess the truth; let his confession be sifted.

F. And you still with to see him! I tell you, madam, he hath

already confessed, and thou knowest the darkness of thy heart.

A. What, my deceived Farcillo, that I gave him the ring, in which

all my affections were concentrated? Oh, surely not.

F. Aye, he did. Ask thy conscience, and it will speak with a voice

of thunder to thy soul.

A. He will not say so, he dare not, he cannot.

F. No, he will not say so now, because his mouth, I trust, is hushed

in death, and his body stretched to the four winds of heaven,

to be torn to pieces by carnivorous birds.

A. What, he is dead, and gone to the world of spirits with that

declaration in his mouth? Oh, unhappy man! Oh, insupportable hour!

F. Yes, and had all his sighs and looks and tears been lives, my great

revenge could have slain them all, without the least condemnation.

A. Alas! he is ushered into eternity without testing the matter

for which I am abused and sentenced and condemned to die.

F. Cursed, infernal woman! Weepest thou for him to my face? He that

hath robbed me of my peace, my energy, the whole love of my life?

Could I call the fabled Hydra, I would have him live and perish,

survive and die, until the sun itself would grow dim with age.

I would make him have the thirst of a Tantalus, and roll the

wheel of an Ixion, until the stars of heaven should quit their

brilliant stations.

A. Oh, invincible God, save me! Oh, unsupportable moment! Oh, heavy

hour! Banish me,, Farcillo–send me where no eye can ever see me, where

no sound shall ever great my ear; but, oh, slay me not, Farcillo; vent thy

rage and thy spite upon this emaciated frame of mine, only spare my life.

F. Your petitions avail nothing, cruel Amelia.

A. Oh, Farcillo, perpetrate the dark deed tomorrow; let me live

till then, for my past kindness to you, and it may be some kind

angel will show to you that I am not only the object of innocence,

but one who never loved another but your noble self.

F. Amelia, the decree has gone forth, it is to be done, and that quickly;

thou art to die, madam.

A. But half an hour allow me, to see my father and my only child,

to tell her the treachery and vanity of this world.

F. There is no alternative, there is no pause: my daughter shall

not see its deceptive mother die; your father shall not know that his

daughter fell disgraced, despised by all but her enchanting Malos.

A. Oh, Farcillo, put up thy threatening dagger into its scabbard;

let it rest and be still, just while I say one prayer for thee and

for my child.

F. It is too late, thy doom is fixed, thou hast not confessed

to Heaven or to me, my child’s protector–thou art to die.

Ye powers of earth and heaven, protect and defend me in this alone.


A. Oh, Farcillo, Farcillo, a guiltless death I die.

F. Die! die! die!

(Gracia enters running, falls on her knees weeping, and kisses Amelia.)

G. Oh, Farcillo, Farcillo! oh, Farcillo!

F. I am here, the genius of the age, and the avenger of my wrongs.

G. Oh, lady, speak once more; sweet Amelia, on, speak again.

Gone, gone–yes, forever gone! Farcillo, oh, cold-hearted Farcillo,

some evil fiend hath urged you to do this, Farcillo.

F. Say not so again, or you shall receive the same fate. I did

the glorious deed, madam–beware, then, how you talk.

G. I fear not your implements of war; I will let you know you have

not the power to do me harm. If you have a heart of triple brass,

it shall be reached and melted, and thy blood shall chill thy veins

and grow stiff in thy arteries. Here is the ring of the virtuous

and innocent murdered Amelia; I obtained it from Malos, who yet lives,

in hopes that he will survive the wound given him, and says he got

it clandestinely–declares Amelia to be the princess of truth and virtue,

invulnerable to anything like forgetting her first devotion to thee.

The world has heard of your conduct and your jealousy, and with

one universal voice declares her to be the best of all in piety;

that she is the star of this great universe, and a more virtuous

woman never lived since the wheels of time began. Oh, had you waited

till tomorrow, or until I had returned, some kind window would have

been opened to her relief. But, alas! she is gone–yes, forever gone,

to try the realities of an unknown world!

(Farcillo leaning over the body of Amelia.)

F. Malos not dead, and here is my ring! Oh, Amelia! falsely murdered!

Oh, bloody deed! Oh, wretch that I am! Oh, angels forgive me! Oh, God,

withhold thy vengeance! Oh, Amelia! if Heaven would make a thousand

worlds like this, set with diamonds, and all of one perfect chrysolite,

I would not have done this for them all, I would not have frowned

and cursed as I did. Oh, she was heavenly true, nursed in the very

lap of bright angels! Cursed slave that I am! Jealousy, oh! thou

infernal demon! Lost, lost to every sense of honor! Oh! Amelia–

heaven-born Amelia–dead, dead! Oh! oh! oh!–then let me die with

thee. Farewell! farewell! ye world that deceived me! (STABS HIMSELF.)

Soon after the excitement of this tragical scene was over,

and the enlisted feeling for Amelia had grown more buoyant with

Elfonzo and Ambulinia, he determined to visit his retired home,

and make the necessary improvements to enjoy a better day;

consequently he conveyed the following lines to Ambulinia:

Go tell the world that hope is glowing,

Go bid the rocks their silence break,

Go tell the stars that love is glowing,

Then bid the hero his lover take.

In the region where scarcely the foot of man hath ever trod,

where the woodman hath not found his way, lies a blooming grove,

seen only by the sun when he mounts his lofty throne, visited only

by the light of the stars, to whom are entrusted the guardianship

of earth, before the sun sinks to rest in his rosy bed. High cliffs

of rocks surround the romantic place, and in the small cavity of

the rocky wall grows the daffodil clear and pure; and as the wind

blows along the enchanting little mountain which surrounds the

lonely spot, it nourishes the flowers with the dew-drops of heaven.

Here is the seat of Elfonzo; darkness claims but little victory over

this dominion, and in vain does she spread out her gloomy wings.

Here the waters flow perpetually, and the trees lash their tops

together to bid the welcome visitor a happy muse. Elfonzo, during his

short stay in the country, had fully persuaded himself that it was

his duty to bring this solemn matter to an issue. A duty that he

individually owed, as a gentleman, to the parents of Ambulinia,

a duty in itself involving not only his own happiness and his own

standing in society, but one that called aloud the act of the parties

to make it perfect and complete. How he should communicate his

intentions to get a favorable reply, he was at a loss to know;

he knew not whether to address Esq. Valeer in prose or in poetry,

in a jocular or an argumentative manner, or whether he should use

moral suasion, legal injunction, or seizure and take by reprisal;

if it was to do the latter, he would have no difficulty in deciding

in his own mind, but his gentlemanly honor was at stake; so he

concluded to address the following letter to the father and mother

of Ambulinia, as his address in person he knew would only aggravate

the old gentleman, and perhaps his lady.

Cumming, Ga., January 22, 1844

Mr. and Mrs. Valeer–

Again I resume the pleasing task of addressing you, and once more beg

an immediate answer to my many salutations. From every circumstance

that has taken place, I feel in duty bound to comply with my obligations;

to forfeit my word would be more than I dare do; to break my pledge,

and my vows that have been witnessed, sealed, and delivered in the

presence of an unseen Deity, would be disgraceful on my part, as well

as ruinous to Ambulinia. I wish no longer to be kept in suspense

about this matter. I wish to act gentlemanly in every particular.

It is true, the promises I have made are unknown to any but Ambulinia,

and I think it unnecessary to here enumerate them, as they who

promise the most generally perform the least. Can you for a moment

doubt my sincerity or my character? My only wish is, sir, that you

may calmly and dispassionately look at the situation of the case,

and if your better judgment should dictate otherwise, my obligations

may induce me to pluck the flower that you so diametrically opposed.

We have sword by the saints–by the gods of battle, and by that

faith whereby just men are made perfect–to be united. I hope,

my dear sir, you will find it convenient as well as agreeable

to give me a favorable answer, with the signature of Mrs. Valeer,

as well as yourself.

With very great esteem,

your humble servant,

J. I. Elfonzo.

The moon and stars had grown pale when Ambulinia had retired

to rest. A crowd of unpleasant thoughts passed through her bosom.

Solitude dwelt in her chamber–no sound from the neighboring

world penetrated its stillness; it appeared a temple of silence,

of repose, and of mystery. At that moment she heard a still voice

calling her father. In an instant, like the flash of lightning,

a thought ran through her mind that it must be the bearer

of Elfonzo’s communication. “It is not a dream!” she said,

“no, I cannot read dreams. Oh! I would to Heaven I was near

that glowing eloquence–that poetical language–it charms the

mind in an inexpressible manner, and warms the coldest heart.”

While consoling herself with this strain, her father rushed into

her room almost frantic with rage, exclaiming: “Oh, Ambulinia!

Ambulinia!! undutiful, ungrateful daughter! What does this mean?

Why does this letter bear such heart-rending intelligence?

Will you quit a father’s house with this debased wretch, without a

place to lay his distracted head; going up and down the country,

with every novel object that many chance to wander through this region.

He is a pretty man to make love known to his superiors, and you,

Ambulinia, have done but little credit to yourself by honoring

his visits. Oh, wretchedness! can it be that my hopes of happiness

are forever blasted! Will you not listen to a father’s entreaties,

and pay some regard to a mother’s tears. I know, and I do pray that God

will give me fortitude to bear with this sea of troubles, and rescue

my daughter, my Ambulinia, as a brand from the eternal burning.”

“Forgive me, father, oh! forgive thy child,” replied Ambulinia.

“My heart is ready to break, when I see you in this grieved state

of agitation. Oh! think not so meanly of me, as that I mourn

for my own danger. Father, I am only woman. Mother, I am only

the templement of thy youthful years, but will suffer courageously

whatever punishment you think proper to inflict upon me, if you will

but allow me to comply with my most sacred promises–if you will but

give me my personal right and my personal liberty. Oh, father! if

your generosity will but give me these, I ask nothing more.

When Elfonzo offered me his heart, I gave him my hand, never to

forsake him, and now may the mighty God banish me before I leave him

in adversity. What a heart must I have to rejoice in prosperity

with him whose offers I have accepted, and then, when poverty comes,

haggard as it may be, for me to trifle with the oracles of Heaven,

and change with every fluctuation that may interrupt our happiness–

like the politician who runs the political gantlet for office one day,

and the next day, because the horizon is darkened a little, he is

seen running for his life, for fear he might perish in its ruins.

Where is the philosophy, where is the consistency, where is the charity,

in conduct like this? Be happy then, my beloved father, and forget me;

let the sorrow of parting break down the wall of separation and make

us equal in our feeling; let me now say how ardently I love you;

let me kiss that age-worn cheek, and should my tears bedew thy face,

I will wipe them away. Oh, I never can forget you; no, never, never!”

“Weep not,” said the father, “Ambulinia. I will forbid Elfonzo

my house, and desire that you may keep retired a few days. I will

let him know that my friendship for my family is not linked together

by cankered chains; and if he ever enters upon my premises again,

I will send him to his long home.” “Oh, father! let me entreat you

to be calm upon this occasion, and though Elfonzo may be the sport

of the clouds and winds, yet I feel assured that no fate will send

him to the silent tomb until the God of the Universe calls him

hence with a triumphant voice.”

Here the father turned away, exclaiming: “I will answer his letter

in a very few words, and you, madam, will have the goodness to stay

at home with your mother; and remember, I am determined to protect

you from the consuming fire that looks so fair to your view.”

Cumming, January 22, 1844.

Sir–In regard to your request, I am as I ever have been, utterly opposed

to your marrying into my family; and if you have any regard for yourself,

or any gentlemanly feeling, I hope you will mention it to me no more;

but seek some other one who is not so far superior to you in standing.

W. W. Valeer.

When Elfonzo read the above letter, he became so much depressed

in spirits that many of his friends thought it advisable to use

other means to bring about the happy union. “Strange,” said he,

“that the contents of this diminutive letter should cause me to have

such depressed feelings; but there is a nobler theme than this. I know

not why my MILITARY TITLE is not as great as that of SQUIRE VALEER.

For my life I cannot see that my ancestors are inferior to those

who are so bitterly opposed to my marriage with Ambulinia. I know

I have seen huge mountains before me, yet, when I think that I know

gentlemen will insult me upon this delicate matter, should I become

angry at fools and babblers, who pride themselves in their impudence

and ignorance? No. My equals! I know not where to find them.

My inferiors! I think it beneath me; and my superiors! I think

it presumption; therefore, if this youthful heart is protected

by any of the divine rights, I never will betray my trust.”

He was aware that Ambulinia had a confidence that was, indeed,

as firm and as resolute as she was beautiful and interesting.

He hastened to the cottage of Louisa, who received him in her usual

mode of pleasantness, and informed him that Ambulinia had just that

moment left. “Is it possible?” said Elfonzo. “Oh, murdered hours!

Why did she not remain and be the guardian of my secrets?

But hasten and tell me how she has stood this trying scene,

and what are her future determinations.” “You know,” said Louisa,

“Major Elfonzo, that you have Ambulinia’s first love, which is

of no small consequence. She came here about twilight, and shed

many precious tears in consequence of her own fate with yours.

We walked silently in yon little valley you see, where we spent

a momentary repose. She seemed to be quite as determined as ever,

and before we left that beautiful spot she offered up a prayer

to Heaven for thee.” “I will see her then,” replied Elfonzo,

“though legions of enemies may oppose. She is mine by foreordination–

she is mine by prophesy–she is mine by her own free will, and I

will rescue her from the hands of her oppressors. Will you not,

Miss Louisa, assist me in my capture?”

“I will certainly, by the aid of Divine Providence,” answered Louisa,

“endeavor to break those slavish chains that bind the richest of prizes;

though allow me, Major, to entreat you to use no harsh means on this

important occasion; take a decided stand, and write freely to Ambulinia

upon this subject, and I will see that no intervening cause hinders

its passage to her. God alone will save a mourning people. Now is

the day and now is the hour to obey a command of such valuable worth.”

The Major felt himself grow stronger after this short interview

with Louisa. He felt as if he could whip his weight in wildcats–

he knew he was master of his own feelings, and could now write

a letter that would bring this litigation to AN ISSUE.

Cumming, January 24, 1844.

Dear Ambulinia–

We have now reached the most trying moment of our lives; we are

pledged not to forsake our trust; we have waited for a favorable hour

to come, thinking your friends would settle the matter agreeably

among themselves, and finally be reconciled to our marriage;

but as I have waited in vain, and looked in vain, I have determined

in my own mind to make a proposition to you, though you may think

it not in accord with your station, or compatible with your rank;

yet, “sub loc signo vinces.” You know I cannot resume my visits,

in consequence of the utter hostility that your father has to me;

therefore the consummation of our union will have to be sought

for in a more sublime sphere, at the residence of a respectable

friend of this village. You cannot have an scruples upon this

mode of proceeding, if you will but remember it emanates from one

who loves you better than his own life–who is more than anxious

to bid you welcome to a new and happy home. Your warmest associates

say come; the talented, the learned, the wise, and the experienced

say come;–all these with their friends say, come. Viewing these,

with many other inducements, I flatter myself that you will come

to the embraces of your Elfonzo; for now is the time of your

acceptance of the day of your liberation. You cannot be ignorant,

Ambulinia, that thou art the desire of my heart; its thoughts

are too noble, and too pure, to conceal themselves from you.

I shall wait for your answer to this impatiently, expecting that you

will set the time to make your departure, and to be in readiness

at a moment’s warning to share the joys of a more preferable life.

This will be handed to you by Louisa, who will take a pleasure in

communicating anything to you that may relieve your dejected spirits,

and will assure you that I now stand ready, willing, and waiting

to make good my vows.

I am, dear Ambulinia, your

truly, and forever,

J. I. Elfonzo.

Louisa made it convenient to visit Mr. Valeer’s, though they

did not suspect her in the least the bearer of love epistles;

consequently, she was invited in the room to console Ambulinia,

where they were left alone. Ambulinia was seated by a small table–

her head resting on her hand–her brilliant eyes were bathed in tears.

Louisa handed her the letter of Elfonzo, when another spirit animated

her features–the spirit of renewed confidence that never fails

to strengthen the female character in an hour of grief and sorrow

like this, and as she pronounced the last accent of his name,

she exclaimed, “And does he love me yet! I never will forget

your generosity, Louisa. Oh, unhappy and yet blessed Louisa! may you

never feel what I have felt–may you never know the pangs of love.

Had I never loved, I never would have been unhappy; but I turn to Him

who can save, and if His wisdom does not will my expected union,

I know He will give me strength to bear my lot. Amuse yourself

with this little book, and take it as an apology for my silence,”

said Ambulinia, “while I attempt to answer this volume of consolation.”

“Thank you,” said Louisa, “you are excusable upon this occasion;

but I pray you, Ambulinia, to be expert upon this momentous subject,

that there may be nothing mistrustful upon my part.” “I will,”

said Ambulinia, and immediately resumed her seat and addressed the

following to Elfonzo:

Cumming, Ga., January 28, 1844.

Devoted Elfonzo–

I hail your letter as a welcome messenger of faith, and can now

say truly and firmly that my feelings correspond with yours.

Nothing shall be wanting on my part to make my obedience your fidelity.

Courage and perseverance will accomplish success. Receive this

as my oath, that while I grasp your hand in my own imagination,

we stand united before a higher tribunal than any on earth.

All the powers of my life, soul, and body, I devote to thee.

Whatever dangers may threaten me, I fear not to encounter them.

Perhaps I have determined upon my own destruction, by leaving

the house of the best of parents; be it so; I flee to you; I share

your destiny, faithful to the end. The day that I have concluded

upon for this task is SABBATH next, when the family with the citizens

are generally at church. For Heaven’s sake let not that day

pass unimproved: trust not till tomorrow, it is the cheat of life–

the future that never comes–the grave of many noble births–

the cavern of ruined enterprise: which like the lightning’s

flash is born, and dies, and perishes, ere the voice of him

who sees can cry, BEHOLD! BEHOLD!! You may trust to what I say,

no power shall tempt me to betray confidence. Suffer me to add one

word more.

I will soothe thee, in all thy grief,

Beside the gloomy river;

And though thy love may yet be brief;

Mine is fixed forever.

Receive the deepest emotions of my heart for thy constant love,

and may the power of inspiration by thy guide, thy portion, and thy all.

In great haste,

Yours faithfully,


“I now take my leave of you, sweet girl,” said Louisa, “sincerely

wishing you success on Sabbath next.” When Ambulinia’s letter was

handed to Elfonzo, he perused it without doubting its contents.

Louisa charged him to make but few confidants; but like most young

men who happened to win the heart of a beautiful girl, he was so

elated with the idea that he felt as a commanding general on parade,

who had confidence in all, consequently gave orders to all.

The appointed Sabbath, with a delicious breeze and cloudless sky,

made its appearance. The people gathered in crowds to the church–

the streets were filled with neighboring citizens, all marching

to the house of worship. It is entirely useless for me to attempt

to describe the feelings of Elfonzo and Ambulinia, who were silently

watching the movements of the multitude, apparently counting them as then

entered the house of God, looking for the last one to darken the door.

The impatience and anxiety with which they waited, and the bliss

they anticipated on the eventful day, is altogether indescribable.

Those that have been so fortunate as to embark in such a noble

enterprise know all its realities; and those who have not had this

inestimable privilege will have to taste its sweets before they can

tell to others its joys, its comforts, and its Heaven-born worth.

Immediately after Ambulinia had assisted the family off to church,

she took advantage of that opportunity to make good her promises.

She left a home of enjoyment to be wedded to one whose love had

been justifiable. A few short steps brought her to the presence

of Louisa, who urged her to make good use of her time, and not

to delay a moment, but to go with her to her brother’s house,

where Elfonzo would forever make her happy. With lively speed,

and yet a graceful air, she entered the door and found herself

protected by the champion of her confidence. The necessary

arrangements were fast making to have the two lovers united–

everything was in readiness except the parson; and as they are

generally very sanctimonious on such occasions, the news got

to the parents of Ambulinia before the everlasting knot was tied,

and they both came running, with uplifted hands and injured feelings,

to arrest their daughter from an unguarded and hasty resolution.

Elfonzo desired to maintain his ground, but Ambulinia thought

it best for him to leave, to prepare for a greater contest.

He accordingly obeyed, as it would have been a vain endeavor for him

to have battled against a man who was armed with deadly weapons;

and besides, he could not resist the request of such a pure heart.

Ambulinia concealed herself in the upper story of the house, fearing

the rebuke of her father; the door was locked, and no chastisement

was now expected. Esquire Valeer, whose pride was already touched,

resolved to preserve the dignity of his family. He entered the house

almost exhausted, looking wildly for Ambulinia. “Amazed and astonished

indeed I am,” said he, “at a people who call themselves civilized,

to allow such behavior as this. Ambulinia, Ambulinia!” he cried,

“come to the calls of your first, your best, and your only friend.

I appeal to you, sir,” turning to the gentleman of the house,

“to know where Ambulinia has gone, or where is she?” “Do you mean

to insult me, sir, in my own house?” inquired the gentleman.

“I will burst,” said Mr. V., “asunder every door in your dwelling,

in search of my daughter, if you do not speak quickly, and tell me

where she is. I care nothing about that outcast rubbish of creation,

that mean, low-lived Elfonzo, if I can but obtain Ambulinia.

Are you not going to open this door?” said he. “By the Eternal

that made Heaven and earth! I will go about the work instantly,

if this is not done!” The confused citizens gathered from all

parts of the village, to know the cause of this commotion.

Some rushed into the house; the door that was locked flew open,

and there stood Ambulinia, weeping. “Father, be still,” said she,

“and I will follow thee home.” But the agitated man seized her,

and bore her off through the gazing multitude. “Father!” she exclaimed,

“I humbly beg your pardon–I will be dutiful–I will obey thy commands.

Let the sixteen years I have lived in obedience to thee by my

future security.” “I don’t like to be always giving credit,

when the old score is not paid up, madam,” said the father. The mother

followed almost in a state of derangement, crying and imploring

her to think beforehand, and ask advice from experienced persons,

and they would tell her it was a rash undertaking. “Oh!” said she,

“Ambulinia, my daughter, did you know what I have suffered–

did you know how many nights I have whiled away in agony,

in pain, and in fear, you would pity the sorrows of a heartbroken


“Well, mother,” replied Ambulinia, “I know I have been disobedient;

I am aware that what I have done might have been done much better;

but oh! what shall I do with my honor? it is so dear to me;

I am pledged to Elfonzo. His high moral worth is certainly worth

some attention; moreover, my vows, I have no doubt, are recorded

in the book of life, and must I give these all up? must my fair

hopes be forever blasted? Forbid it, father; oh! forbid it, mother;

forbid it, Heaven.” “I have seen so many beautiful skies overclouded,”

replied the mother, “so many blossoms nipped by the frost,

that I am afraid to trust you to the care of those fair days,

which may be interrupted by thundering and tempestuous nights.

You no doubt think as I did–life’s devious ways were strewn with

sweet-scented flowers, but ah! how long they have lingered around me

and took their flight in the vivid hope that laughs at the drooping

victims it has murdered.” Elfonzo was moved at this sight.

The people followed on to see what was going to become of Ambulinia,

while he, with downcast looks, kept at a distance, until he saw

them enter the abode of the father, thrusting her, that was the

sigh of his soul, out of his presence into a solitary apartment,

when she exclaimed, “Elfonzo! Elfonzo! oh, Elfonzo! where art thou,

with all thy heroes? haste, oh! haste, come thou to my relief.

Ride on the wings of the wind! Turn thy force loose like a tempest,

and roll on thy army like a whirlwind, over this mountain of trouble

and confusion. Oh, friends! if any pity me, let your last efforts

throng upon the green hills, and come to the relief of Ambulinia,

who is guilty of nothing but innocent love.” Elfonzo called out with

a loud voice, “My God, can I stand this! arise up, I beseech you,

and put an end to this tyranny. Come, my brave boys,” said he,

“are you ready to go forth to your duty?” They stood around him.

“Who,” said he, “will call us to arms? Where are my thunderbolts of war?

Speak ye, the first who will meet the foe! Who will go forward with me

in this ocean of grievous temptation? If there is one who desires

to go, let him come and shake hands upon the altar of devotion,

and swear that he will be a hero; yes, a Hector in a cause like this,

which calls aloud for a speedy remedy.” “Mine be the deed,”

said a young lawyer, “and mine alone; Venus alone shall quit her

station before I will forsake one jot or tittle of my promise to you;

what is death to me? what is all this warlike army, if it is not

to win a victory? I love the sleep of the lover and the mighty;

nor would I give it over till the blood of my enemies should wreak

with that of my own. But God forbid that our fame should soar

on the blood of the slumberer.” Mr. Valeer stands at his door

with the frown of a demon upon his brow, with his dangerous

weapon ready to strike the first man who should enter his door.

“Who will arise and go forward through blood and carnage to the rescue

of my Ambulinia?” said Elfonzo. “All,” exclaimed the multitude;

and onward they went, with their implements of battle. Others, of a

more timid nature, stood among the distant hills to see the result of

the contest.

Elfonzo took the lead of his band. Night arose in clouds;

darkness concealed the heavens; but the blazing hopes that stimulated

them gleamed in every bosom. All approached the anxious spot;

they rushed to the front of the house and, with one exclamation,

demanded Ambulinia. “Away, begone, and disturb my peace no more,”

said Mr. Valeer. “You are a set of base, insolent, and infernal rascals.

Go, the northern star points your path through the dim twilight of

the night; go, and vent your spite upon the lonely hills; pour forth

your love, you poor, weak-minded wretch, upon your idleness and upon

your guitar, and your fiddle; they are fit subjects for your admiration,

for let me assure you, though this sword and iron lever are cankered,

yet they frown in sleep, and let one of you dare to enter my

house this night and you shall have the contents and the weight

of these instruments.” “Never yet did base dishonor blur my name,”

said Elfonzo; “mine is a cause of renown; here are my warriors;

fear and tremble, for this night, though hell itself should oppose,

I will endeavor to avenge her whom thou hast banished in solitude.

The voice of Ambulinia shall be heard from that dark dungeon.”

At that moment Ambulinia appeared at the window above, and with a

tremulous voice said, “Live, Elfonzo! oh! live to raise my stone

of moss! why should such language enter your heart? why should thy

voice rend the air with such agitation? I bid thee live, once more

remembering these tears of mine are shed alone for thee, in this dark

and gloomy vault, and should I perish under this load of trouble,

join the song of thrilling accents with the raven above my grave,

and lay this tattered frame beside the banks of the Chattahoochee

or the stream of Sawney’s brook; sweet will be the song of death to

your Ambulinia. My ghost shall visit you in the smiles of Paradise,

and tell your high fame to the minds of that region, which is far more

preferable than this lonely cell. My heart shall speak for thee till

the latest hour; I know faint and broken are the sounds of sorrow,

yet our souls, Elfonzo, shall hear the peaceful songs together.

One bright name shall be ours on high, if we are not permitted to be

united here; bear in mind that I still cherish my old sentiments,

and the poet will mingle the names of Elfonzo and Ambulinia

in the tide of other days.” “Fly, Elfonzo, ” said the voices

of his united band, “to the wounded heart of your beloved.

All enemies shall fall beneath thy sword. Fly through the clefts,

and the dim spark shall sleep in death.” Elfonzo rushes forward

and strikes his shield against the door, which was barricaded,

to prevent any intercourse. His brave sons throng around him.

The people pour along the streets, both male and female, to prevent or

witness the melancholy scene.

“To arms, to arms!” cried Elfonzo; “here is a victory to be won,

a prize to be gained that is more to me that the whole world beside.”

“It cannot be done tonight,” said Mr. Valeer. “I bear the clang

of death; my strength and armor shall prevail. My Ambulinia shall

rest in this hall until the break of another day, and if we fall,

we fall together. If we die, we die clinging to our tattered rights,

and our blood alone shall tell the mournful tale of a murdered

daughter and a ruined father.” Sure enough, he kept watch all night,

and was successful in defending his house and family. The bright

morning gleamed upon the hills, night vanished away, the Major

and his associates felt somewhat ashamed that they had not been as

fortunate as they expected to have been; however, they still leaned

upon their arms in dispersed groups; some were walking the streets,

others were talking in the Major’s behalf. Many of the citizen

suspended business, as the town presented nothing but consternation.

A novelty that might end in the destruction of some worthy

and respectable citizens. Mr. Valeer ventured in the streets,

though not without being well armed. Some of his friends congratulated

him on the decided stand he had taken, and hoped he would settle

the matter amicably with Elfonzo, without any serious injury.

“Me,” he replied, “what, me, condescend to fellowship with a coward,

and a low-lived, lazy, undermining villain? no, gentlemen, this cannot be;

I had rather be borne off, like the bubble upon the dark blue ocean,

with Ambulinia by my side, than to have him in the ascending

or descending line of relationship. Gentlemen,” continued he,

“if Elfonzo is so much of a distinguished character, and is so

learned in the fine arts, why do you not patronize such men? why

not introduce him into your families, as a gentleman of taste

and of unequaled magnanimity? why are you so very anxious that he

should become a relative of mine? Oh, gentlemen, I fear you yet

are tainted with the curiosity of our first parents, who were

beguiled by the poisonous kiss of an old ugly serpent, and who,

for one APPLE, DAMNED all mankind. I wish to divest myself, as far

as possible, of that untutored custom. I have long since learned

that the perfection of wisdom, and the end of true philosophy,

is to proportion our wants to our possessions, our ambition to

our capacities; we will then be a happy and a virtuous people.”

Ambulinia was sent off to prepare for a long and tedious journey.

Her new acquaintances had been instructed by her father how to treat her,

and in what manner, and to keep the anticipated visit entirely secret.

Elfonzo was watching the movements of everybody; some friends

had told him of the plot that was laid to carry off Ambulinia.

At night, he rallied some two or three of his forces, and went

silently along to the stately mansion; a faint and glimmering light

showed through the windows; lightly he steps to the door; there were

many voices rallying fresh in fancy’s eye; he tapped the shutter;

it was opened instantly, and he beheld once more, seated beside

several ladies, the hope of all his toils; he rushed toward her,

she rose from her seat, rejoicing; he made one mighty grasp,

when Ambulinia exclaimed, “Huzza for Major Elfonzo! I will defend

myself and you, too, with this conquering instrument I hold in my hand;

huzza, I say, I now invoke time’s broad wing to shed around us some

dewdrops of verdant spring.”

But the hour had not come for this joyous reunion; her friends

struggled with Elfonzo for some time, and finally succeeded

in arresting her from his hands. He dared not injure them,

because they were matrons whose courage needed no spur;

she was snatched from the arms of Elfonzo, with so much eagerness,

and yet with such expressive signification, that he calmly withdrew

from this lovely enterprise, with an ardent hope that he should be

lulled to repose by the zephyrs which whispered peace to his soul.

Several long days and night passed unmolested, all seemed to have

grounded their arms of rebellion, and no callidity appeared to be

going on with any of the parties. Other arrangements were made

by Ambulinia; she feigned herself to be entirely the votary of a

mother’s care, and she, by her graceful smiles, that manhood might

claim his stern dominion in some other region, where such boisterous

love was not so prevalent. This gave the parents a confidence

that yielded some hours of sober joy; they believed that Ambulinia

would now cease to love Elfonzo, and that her stolen affections

would now expire with her misguided opinions. They therefore

declined the idea of sending her to a distant land. But oh! they

dreamed not of the rapture that dazzled the fancy of Ambulinia,

who would say, when alone, youth should not fly away on his rosy

pinions, and leave her to grapple in the conflict with unknown admirers.

No frowning age shall control

The constant current of my soul,

Nor a tear from pity’s eye

Shall check my sympathetic sigh.

With this resolution fixed in her mind, one dark and dreary night,

when the winds whistled and the tempest roared, she received intelligence

that Elfonzo was then waiting, and every preparation was then ready,

at the residence of Dr. Tully, and for her to make a quick escape

while the family was reposing. Accordingly she gathered her books,

went the wardrobe supplied with a variety of ornamental dressing,

and ventured alone in the streets to make her way to Elfonzo,

who was near at hand, impatiently looking and watching her arrival.

“What forms,” said she, “are those rising before me? What is

that dark spot on the clouds? I do wonder what frightful ghost

that is, gleaming on the red tempest? Oh, be merciful and tell me

what region you are from. Oh, tell me, ye strong spirits, or ye

dark and fleeting clouds, that I yet have a friend.” “A friend,”

said a low, whispering voice. “I am thy unchanging, thy aged,

and thy disappointed mother. Why brandish in that hand of thine

a javelin of pointed steel? Why suffer that lip I have kissed

a thousand times to equivocate? My daughter, let these tears sink

deep into thy soul, and no longer persist in that which may be your

destruction and ruin. Come, my dear child, retract your steps,

and bear me company to your welcome home.” Without one retorting word,

or frown from her brow, she yielded to the entreaties of her mother,

and with all the mildness of her former character she went along

with the silver lamp of age, to the home of candor and benevolence.

Her father received her cold and formal politeness–“Where has

Ambulinia been, this blustering evening, Mrs. Valeer?” inquired he.

“Oh, she and I have been taking a solitary walk,” said the mother;

“all things, I presume, are now working for the best.”

Elfonzo heard this news shortly after it happened. “What,” said he,

“has heaven and earth turned against me? I have been disappointed

times without number. Shall I despair?–must I give it over?

Heaven’s decrees will not fade; I will write again–I will try again;

and if it traverses a gory field, I pray forgiveness at the altar

of justice.”

Desolate Hill, Cumming, Geo., 1844.

Unconquered and Beloved Ambulinia–

I have only time to say to you, not to despair; thy fame shall

not perish; my visions are brightening before me. The whirlwind’s

rage is past, and we now shall subdue our enemies without doubt.

On Monday morning, when your friends are at breakfast, they will

not suspect your departure, or even mistrust me being in town,

as it has been reported advantageously that I have left for the west.

You walk carelessly toward the academy grove, where you will find

me with a lightning steed, elegantly equipped to bear you off where

we shall be joined in wedlock with the first connubial rights.

Fail not to do this–think not of the tedious relations of our wrongs–

be invincible. You alone occupy all my ambition, and I alone will

make you my happy spouse, with the same unimpeached veracity.

I remain, forever, your devoted friend and admirer, J. L. Elfonzo.

The appointed day ushered in undisturbed by any clouds; nothing disturbed

Ambulinia’s soft beauty. With serenity and loveliness she obeys

the request of Elfonzo. The moment the family seated themselves

at the table–“Excuse my absence for a short time,” said she,

“while I attend to the placing of those flowers, which should have

been done a week ago.” And away she ran to the sacred grove,

surrounded with glittering pearls, that indicated her coming.

Elfonzo hails her with his silver bow and his golden harp. They meet–

Ambulinia’s countenance brightens–Elfonzo leads up his winged steed.

“Mount,” said he, “ye true-hearted, ye fearless soul–the day

is ours.” She sprang upon the back of the young thunder bolt,

a brilliant star sparkles upon her head, with one hand she

grasps the reins, and with the other she holds an olive branch.

“Lend thy aid, ye strong winds,” they exclaimed, “ye moon, ye sun,

and all ye fair host of heaven, witness the enemy conquered.”

“Hold,” said Elfonzo, “thy dashing steed.” “Ride on,” said Ambulinia,

“the voice of thunder is behind us.” And onward they went,

with such rapidity that they very soon arrived at Rural Retreat,

where they dismounted, and were united with all the solemnities

that usually attend such divine operations. They passed the day

in thanksgiving and great rejoicing, and on that evening they

visited their uncle, where many of their friends and acquaintances

had gathered to congratulate them in the field of untainted bliss.

The kind old gentleman met them in the yard: “Well,” said he, “I wish

I may die, Elfonzo, if you and Ambulinia haven’t tied a knot with your

tongue that you can’t untie with your teeth. But come in, come in,

never mind, all is right–the world still moves on, and no one has

fallen in this great battle.”

Happy now is there lot! Unmoved by misfortune, they live among the

fair beauties of the South. Heaven spreads their peace and fame upon

the arch of the rainbow, and smiles propitiously at their triumph,




Thirty-five years ago I was out prospecting on the Stanislaus,

tramping all day long with pick and pan and horn, and washing a hatful

of dirt here and there, always expecting to make a rich strike,

and never doing it. It was a lovely reason, woodsy, balmy, delicious,

and had once been populous, long years before, but now the

people had vanished and the charming paradise was a solitude.

They went away when the surface diggings gave out. In one place,

where a busy little city with banks and newspapers and fire companies

and a mayor and aldermen had been, was nothing but a wide expanse

of emerald turf, with not even the faintest sign that human life

had ever been present there. This was down toward Tuttletown.

In the country neighborhood thereabouts, along the dusty roads,

one found at intervals the prettiest little cottage homes, snug and cozy,

and so cobwebbed with vines snowed thick with roses that the doors

and windows were wholly hidden from sight–sign that these were

deserted homes, forsaken years ago by defeated and disappointed

families who could neither sell them nor give them away. Now and then,

half an hour apart, one came across solitary log cabins of the earliest

mining days, built by the first gold-miners, the predecessors of the

cottage-builders. In some few cases these cabins were still occupied;

and when this was so, you could depend upon it that the occupant

was the very pioneer who had built the cabin; and you could depend

on another thing, too–that he was there because he had once had

his opportunity to go home to the States rich, and had not done it;

had rather lost his wealth, and had then in his humiliation resolved

to sever all communication with his home relatives and friends,

and be to them thenceforth as one dead. Round about California

in that day were scattered a host of these living dead men–

pride-smitten poor fellows, grizzled and old at forty, whose secret

thoughts were made all of regrets and longings–regrets for their

wasted lives, and longings to be out of the struggle and done with it all.

It was a lonesome land! Not a sound in all those peaceful expanses

of grass and woods but the drowsy hum of insects; no glimpse

of man or beast; nothing to keep up your spirits and make you glad

to be alive. And so, at last, in the early part of the afternoon,

when I caught sight of a human creature, I felt a most grateful uplift.

This person was a man about forty-five years old, and he was

standing at the gate of one of those cozy little rose-clad cottages

of the sort already referred to. However, this one hadn’t

a deserted look; it had the look of being lived in and petted

and cared for and looked after; and so had its front yard,

which was a garden of flowers, abundant, gay, and flourishing.

I was invited in, of course, and required to make myself at home–

it was the custom of the country..

It was delightful to be in such a place, after long weeks of daily

and nightly familiarity with miners’ cabins–with all which this

implies of dirt floor, never-made beds, tin plates and cups,

bacon and beans and black coffee, and nothing of ornament but war

pictures from the Eastern illustrated papers tacked to the log walls.

That was all hard, cheerless, materialistic desolation, but here was a

nest which had aspects to rest the tired eye and refresh that something

in one’s nature which, after long fasting, recognizes, when confronted

by the belongings of art, howsoever cheap and modest they may be,

that it has unconsciously been famishing and now has found nourishment.

I could not have believed that a rag carpet could feast me so,

and so content me; or that there could be such solace to the soul

in wall-paper and framed lithographs, and bright-colored tidies

and lamp-mats, and Windsor chairs, and varnished what-nots, with

sea-shells and books and china vases on them, and the score of little

unclassifiable tricks and touches that a woman’s hand distributes

about a home, which one sees without knowing he sees them, yet would

miss in a moment if they were taken away. The delight that was

in my heart showed in my face, and the man saw it and was pleased;

saw it so plainly that he answered it as if it had been spoken.

“All her work,” he said, caressingly; “she did it all herself–

every bit,” and he took the room in with a glance which was full

of affectionate worship. One of those soft Japanese fabrics

with which women drape with careful negligence the upper part of a

picture-frame was out of adjustment. He noticed it, and rearranged

it with cautious pains, stepping back several times to gauge

the effect before he got it to suit him. Then he gave it a light

finishing pat or two with his hand, and said: “She always does that.

You can’t tell just what it lacks, but it does lack something

until you’ve done that–you can see it yourself after it’s done,

but that is all you know; you can’t find out the law of it.

It’s like the finishing pats a mother gives the child’s hair

after she’s got it combed and brushed, I reckon. I’ve seen her

fix all these things so much that I can do them all just her way,

though I don’t know the law of any of them. But she knows the law.

She knows the why and the how both; but I don’t know the why;

I only know the how.”

He took me into a bedroom so that I might wash my hands; such a bedroom

as I had not seen for years: white counterpane, white pillows,

carpeted floor, papered walls, pictures, dressing-table, with mirror

and pin-cushion and dainty toilet things; and in the corner a wash-stand,

with real china-ware bowl and pitcher, and with soap in a china dish,

and on a rack more than a dozen towels–towels too clean and white

for one out of practice to use without some vague sense of profanation.

So my face spoke again, and he answered with gratified words:

“All her work; she did it all herself–every bit. Nothing here

that hasn’t felt the touch of her hand. Now you would think–

But I mustn’t talk so much.”

By this time I was wiping my hands and glancing from detail to detail

of the room’s belongings, as one is apt to do when he is in a new place,

where everything he sees is a comfort to his eye and his spirit;

and I became conscious, in one of those unaccountable ways,

you know, that there was something there somewhere that the man

wanted me to discover for myself. I knew it perfectly, and I knew

he was trying to help me by furtive indications with his eye, so I

tried hard to get on the right track, being eager to gratify him.

I failed several times, as I could see out of the corner of my eye

without being told; but at last I knew I must be looking straight

at the thing–knew it from the pleasure issuing in invisible waves

from him. He broke into a happy laugh, and rubbed his hands together,

and cried out:

“That’s it! You’ve found it. I knew you would. It’s her picture.”

I went to the little black-walnut bracket on the farther wall,

and did find there what I had not yet noticed–a daguerreotype-case.

It contained the sweetest girlish face, and the most beautiful,

as it seemed to me, that I had ever seen. The man drank the admiration

from my face, and was fully satisfied.

“Nineteen her last birthday,” he said, as he put the picture back;

“and that was the day we were married. When you see her–ah, just wait

till you see her!”

“Where is she? When will she be in?”

“Oh, she’s away now. She’s gone to see her people. They live

forty or fifty miles from here. She’s been gone two weeks today.”

“When do you expect her back?”

“This is Wednesday. She’ll be back Saturday, in the evening–

about nine o’clock, likely.”

I felt a sharp sense of disappointment.

“I’m sorry, because I’ll be gone then,” I said, regretfully.

“Gone? No–why should you go? Don’t go. She’ll be disappointed.”

She would be disappointed–that beautiful creature! If she had said

the words herself they could hardly have blessed me more. I was

feeling a deep, strong longing to see her–a longing so supplicating,

so insistent, that it made me afraid. I said to myself: “I will

go straight away from this place, for my peace of mind’s sake.”

“You see, she likes to have people come and stop with us–

people who know things, and can talk–people like you. She delights

in it; for she knows–oh, she knows nearly everything herself,

and can talk, oh, like a bird–and the books she reads, why, you would

be astonished. Don’t go; it’s only a little while, you know,

and she’ll be so disappointed.”

I heard the words, but hardly noticed them, I was so deep in my

thinkings and strugglings. He left me, but I didn’t know.

Presently he was back, with the picture case in his hand, and he

held it open before me and said:

“There, now, tell her to her face you could have stayed to see her,

and you wouldn’t.”

That second glimpse broke down my good resolution. I would stay

and take the risk. That night we smoked the tranquil pipe,

and talked till late about various things, but mainly about her;

and certainly I had had no such pleasant and restful time for many

a day. The Thursday followed and slipped comfortably away.

Toward twilight a big miner from three miles away came–one of

the grizzled, stranded pioneers–and gave us warm salutation,

clothed in grave and sober speech. Then he said:

“I only just dropped over to ask about the little madam, and when

is she coming home. Any news from her?”

“Oh, yes, a letter. Would you like to hear it, Tom?”

“Well, I should think I would, if you don’t mind, Henry!”

Henry got the letter out of his wallet, and said he would skip

some of the private phrases, if we were willing; then he went

on and read the bulk of it–a loving, sedate, and altogether

charming and gracious piece of handiwork, with a postscript full

of affectionate regards and messages to Tom, and Joe, and Charley,

and other close friends and neighbors.

As the reader finished, he glanced at Tom, and cried out:

“Oho, you’re at it again! Take your hands away, and let me see

your eyes. You always do that when I read a letter from her.

I will write and tell her.”

“Oh no, you mustn’t, Henry. I’m getting old, you know, and any

little disappointment makes me want to cry. I thought she’d

be here herself, and now you’ve got only a letter.”

“Well, now, what put that in your head? I thought everybody knew

she wasn’t coming till Saturday.”

“Saturday! Why, come to think, I did know it. I wonder

what’s the matter with me lately? Certainly I knew it.

Ain’t we all getting ready for her? Well, I must be going now.

But I’ll be on hand when she comes, old man!”

Late Friday afternoon another gray veteran tramped over from his

cabin a mile or so away, and said the boys wanted to have a little

gaiety and a good time Saturday night, if Henry thought she wouldn’t

be too tired after her journey to be kept up.

“Tired? She tired! Oh, hear the man! Joe, YOU know she’d sit up

six weeks to please any one of you!”

When Joe heard that there was a letter, he asked to have it read,

and the loving messages in it for him broke the old fellow all up;

but he said he was such an old wreck that THAT would happen to him

if she only just mentioned his name. “Lord, we miss her so!”

he said.

Saturday afternoon I found I was taking out my watch pretty often.

Henry noticed it, and said, with a startled look:

“You don’t think she ought to be here soon, do you?”

I felt caught, and a little embarrassed; but I laughed, and said

it was a habit of mine when I was in a state of expenctancy.

But he didn’t seem quite satisfied; and from that time on he began

to show uneasiness. Four times he walked me up the road to a point

whence we could see a long distance; and there he would stand,

shading his eyes with his hand, and looking. Several times he said:

“I’m getting worried, I’m getting right down worried. I know

she’s not due till about nine o’clock, and yet something seems

to be trying to warn me that something’s happened. You don’t

think anything has happened, do you?”

I began to get pretty thoroughly ashamed of him for his childishness;

and at last, when he repeated that imploring question still another time,

I lost my patience for the moment, and spoke pretty brutally to him.

It seemed to shrivel him up and cow him; and he looked so wounded

and so humble after that, that I detested myself for having done

the cruel and unnecessary thing. And so I was glad when Charley,

another veteran, arrived toward the edge of the evening, and nestled

up to Henry to hear the letter read, and talked over the preparations

for the welcome. Charley fetched out one hearty speech after another,

and did his best to drive away his friend’s bodings and apprehensions.

“Anything HAPPENED to her? Henry, that’s pure nonsense. There isn’t

anything going to happen to her; just make your mind easy as to that.

What did the letter say? Said she was well, didn’t it? And said

she’d be here by nine o’clock, didn’t it? Did you ever know her

to fail of her word? Why, you know you never did. Well, then,

don’t you fret; she’ll BE here, and that’s absolutely certain,

and as sure as you are born. Come, now, let’s get to decorating–

not much time left.”

Pretty soon Tom and Joe arrived, and then all hands set about adoring

the house with flowers. Toward nine the three miners said that

as they had brought their instruments they might as well tune up,

for the boys and girls would soon be arriving now, and hungry for

a good, old-fashioned break-down. A fiddle, a banjo, and a clarinet–

these were the instruments. The trio took their places side by side,

and began to play some rattling dance-music, and beat time with

their big boots.

It was getting very close to nine. Henry was standing in the door

with his eyes directed up the road, his body swaying to the torture

of his mental distress. He had been made to drink his wife’s

health and safety several times, and now Tom shouted:

“All hands stand by! One more drink, and she’s here!”

Joe brought the glasses on a waiter, and served the party.

I reached for one of the two remaining glasses, but Joe growled

under his breath:

“Drop that! Take the other.”

Which I did. Henry was served last. He had hardly swallowed his

drink when the clock began to strike. He listened till it finished,

his face growing pale and paler; then he said:

“Boys, I’m sick with fear. Help me–I want to lie down!”

They helped him to the sofa. He began to nestle and drowse,

but presently spoke like one talking in his sleep, and said:

“Did I hear horses’ feet? Have they come?”

One of the veterans answered, close to his ear: “It was Jimmy

Parish come to say the party got delayed, but they’re right up

the road a piece, and coming along. Her horse is lame, but she’ll

be here in half an hour.”

“Oh, I’m SO thankful nothing has happened!”

He was asleep almost before the words were out of his mouth.

In a moment those handy men had his clothes off, and had tucked

him into his bed in the chamber where I had washed my hands.

They closed the door and came back. Then they seemed preparing to leave;

but I said: “Please don’t go, gentlemen. She won’t know me; I am

a stranger.”

They glanced at each other. Then Joe said:

“She? Poor thing, she’s been dead nineteen years!”


“That or worse. She went to see her folks half a year after she

was married, and on her way back, on a Saturday evening, the Indians

captured her within five miles of this place, and she’s never been

heard of since.”

“And he lost his mind in consequence?”

“Never has been sane an hour since. But he only gets bad when

that time of year comes round. Then we begin to drop in here,

three days before she’s due, to encourage him up, and ask if he’s heard

from her, and Saturday we all come and fix up the house with flowers,

and get everything ready for a dance. We’ve done it every year

for nineteen years. The first Saturday there was twenty-seven

of us, without counting the girls; there’s only three of us now,

and the girls are gone. We drug him to sleep, or he would go wild;

then he’s all right for another year–thinks she’s with him till the

last three or four days come round; then he begins to look for her,

and gets out his poor old letter, and we come and ask him to read it

to us. Lord, she was a darling!”



Once or twice a year I get a letter of a certain pattern,

a pattern that never materially changes, in form and substance,

yet I cannot get used to that letter–it always astonishes me.

It affects me as the locomotive always affects me: I saw to myself,

“I have seen you a thousand times, you always look the same way,

yet you are always a wonder, and you are always impossible; to contrive

you is clearly beyond human genius–you can’t exist, you don’t exist,

yet here you are!”

I have a letter of that kind by me, a very old one. I yearn to print it,

and where is the harm? The writer of it is dead years ago, no doubt,

and if I conceal her name and address–her this-world address–

I am sure her shade will not mind. And with it I wish to print

the answer which I wrote at the time but probably did not send.

If it went–which is not likely–it went in the form of a copy,

for I find the original still here, pigeonholed with the said letter.

To that kind of letters we all write answers which we do not send,

fearing to hurt where we have no desire to hurt; I have done it many

a time, and this is doubtless a case of the sort.


X——, California, JUNE 3, 1879.

Mr. S. L. Clemens, HARTFORD, CONN.:

Dear Sir,–You will doubtless be surprised to know who has presumed

to write and ask a favor of you. let your memory go back to your days

in the Humboldt mines–’62-’63. You will remember, you and Clagett

and Oliver and the old blacksmith Tillou lived in a lean-to which was

half-way up the gulch, and there were six log cabins in the camp–

strung pretty well separated up the gulch from its mouth at the

desert to where the last claim was, at the divide. The lean-to

you lived in was the one with a canvas roof that the cow fell down

through one night, as told about by you in ROUGHING IT–my uncle

Simmons remembers it very well. He lived in the principal cabin,

half-way up the divide, along with Dixon and Parker and Smith.

It had two rooms, one for kitchen and the other for bunks,

and was the only one that had. You and your party were there on

the great night, the time they had dried-apple-pie, Uncle Simmons

often speaks of it. It seems curious that dried-apple-pie should

have seemed such a great thing, but it was, and it shows how far

Humboldt was out of the world and difficult to get to, and how slim

the regular bill of fare was. Sixteen years ago–it is a long time.

I was a little girl then, only fourteen. I never saw you, I lived

in Washoe. But Uncle Simmons ran across you every now and then,

all during those weeks that you and party were there working

your claim which was like the rest. The camp played out long

and long ago, there wasn’t silver enough in it to make a button.

You never saw my husband, but he was there after you left, AND LIVED

IN THAT VERY LEAN-TO, a bachelor then but married to me now.

He often wishes there had been a photographer there in those days,

he would have taken the lean-to. He got hurt in the old Hal Clayton

claim that was abandoned like the others, putting in a blast

and not climbing out quick enough, though he scrambled the best

he could. It landed him clear down on the train and hit a Piute.

For weeks they thought he would not get over it but he did,

and is all right, now. Has been ever since. This is a long

introduction but it is the only way I can make myself known.

The favor I ask I feel assured your generous heart will grant:

Give me some advice about a book I have written. I do not claim

anything for it only it is mostly true and as interesting as most

of the books of the times. I am unknown in the literary world

and you know what that means unless one has some one of influence

(like yourself) to help you by speaking a good word for you.

I would like to place the book on royalty basis plan with any one you

would suggest.

This is a secret from my husband and family. I intend

it as a surprise in case I get it published.

Feeling you will take an interest in this and if possible write

me a letter to some publisher, or, better still, if you could see

them for me and then let me hear.

I appeal to you to grant me this favor. With deepest gratitude I

think you for your attention.

One knows, without inquiring, that the twin of that embarrassing

letter is forever and ever flying in this and that and the other

direction across the continent in the mails, daily, nightly, hourly,

unceasingly, unrestingly. It goes to every well-known merchant,

and railway official, and manufacturer, and capitalist, and Mayor,

and Congressman, and Governor, and editor, and publisher, and author,

and broker, and banker–in a word, to every person who is supposed

to have “influence.” It always follows the one pattern: “You do

not know me, BUT YOU ONCE KNEW A RELATIVE OF MINE,” etc., etc.

We should all like to help the applicants, we should all be glad

to do it, we should all like to return the sort of answer that

is desired, but–Well, there is not a thing we can do that would

be a help, for not in any instance does that latter ever come from

anyone who CAN be helped. The struggler whom you COULD help does

his own helping; it would not occur to him to apply to you, stranger.

He has talent and knows it, and he goes into his fight eagerly and

with energy and determination–all alone, preferring to be alone.

That pathetic letter which comes to you from the incapable,

the unhelpable–how do you who are familiar with it answer it?

What do you find to say? You do not want to inflict a wound;

you hunt ways to avoid that. What do you find? How do you get out

of your hard place with a contend conscience? Do you try to explain?

The old reply of mine to such a letter shows that I tried that once.

Was I satisfied with the result? Possibly; and possibly not;

probably not; almost certainly not. I have long ago forgotten all

about it. But, anyway, I append my effort:


I know Mr. H., and I will go to him, dear madam, if upon reflection

you find you still desire it. There will be a conversation.

I know the form it will take. It will be like this:

MR. H. How do her books strike you?

MR. CLEMENS. I am not acquainted with them.

H. Who has been her publisher?

C. I don’t know.

H. She HAS one, I suppose?

C. I–I think not.

H. Ah. You think this is her first book?

C. Yes–I suppose so. I think so.

H. What is it about? What is the character of it?

C. I believe I do not know.

H. Have you seen it?

C. Well–no, I haven’t.

H. Ah-h. How long have you known her?

C. I don’t know her.

H. Don’t know her?

C. No.

H. Ah-h. How did you come to be interested in her book, then?

C. Well, she–she wrote and asked me to find a publisher for her,

and mentioned you.

H. Why should she apply to you instead of me?

C. She wished me to use my influence.

H. Dear me, what has INFLUENCE to do with such a matter?

C. Well, I think she thought you would be more likely to examine

her book if you were influenced.

H. Why, what we are here FOR is to examine books–anybody’s book

that comes along. It’s our BUSINESS. Why should we turn away

a book unexamined because it’s a stranger’s? It would be foolish.

No publisher does it. On what ground did she request your influence,

since you do not know her? She must have thought you knew her

literature and could speak for it. Is that it?

C. No; she knew I didn’t.

H. Well, what then? She had a reason of SOME sort for believing you

competent to recommend her literature, and also under obligations

to do it?

C. Yes, I–I knew her uncle.

H. Knew her UNCLE?

C. Yes.

H. Upon my word! So, you knew her uncle; her uncle knows her literature;

he endorses it to you; the chain is complete, nothing further needed;

you are satisfied, and therefore–

C. NO, that isn’t all, there are other ties. I know the cabin

her uncle lived in, in the mines; I knew his partners, too; also I

came near knowing her husband before she married him, and I DID

know the abandoned shaft where a premature blast went off and he

went flying through the air and clear down to the trail and hit

an Indian in the back with almost fatal consequences.

H. To HIM, or to the Indian?

C. She didn’t say which it was.

H. (WITH A SIGH). It certainly beats the band! You don’t know HER,

you don’t know her literature, you don’t know who got hurt when

the blast went off, you don’t know a single thing for us to build

an estimate of her book upon, so far as I–

C. I knew her uncle. You are forgetting her uncle.

H. Oh, what use is HE? Did you know him long? How long was it?

C. Well, I don’t know that I really knew him, but I must have

met him, anyway. I think it was that way; you can’t tell about

these things, you know, except when they are recent.

H. Recent? When was all this?

C. Sixteen years ago.

H. What a basis to judge a book upon! As first you said you knew him,

and not you don’t know whether you did or not.

C. Oh yes, I know him; anyway, I think I thought I did; I’m perfectly

certain of it.

H. What makes you think you thought you knew him?

C. Why, she says I did, herself.

H. SHE says so!

C. Yes, she does, and I DID know him, too, though I don’t remember

it now.

H. Come–how can you know it when you don’t remember it.

C. _I_ don’t know. That is, I don’t know the process, but I DO know

lots of things that I don’t remember, and remember lots of things

that I don’t know. It’s so with every educated person.

H. (AFTER A PAUSE). Is your time valuable?

C. No–well, not very.

H. Mine is.

So I came away then, because he was looking tired. Overwork, I reckon;

I never do that; I have seen the evil effects of it. My mother

was always afraid I work overwork myself, but I never did.

Dear madam, you see how it would happen if I went there. He would

ask me those questions, and I would try to answer them to suit him,

and he would hunt me here and there and yonder and get me embarrassed

more and more all the time, and at last he would look tired on

account of overwork, and there it would end and nothing done.

I wish I could be useful to you, but, you see, they do not

care for uncles or any of those things; it doesn’t move them,

it doesn’t have the least effect, they don’t care for anything

but the literature itself, and they as good as despise influence.

But they do care for books, and are eager to get them and examine them,

no matter whence they come, nor from whose pen. If you will send

yours to a publisher–any publisher–he will certainly examine it,

I can assure you of that.



Consider that a conversation by telephone–when you are simply siting

by and not taking any part in that conversation–is one of the solemnest

curiosities of modern life. Yesterday I was writing a deep article

on a sublime philosophical subject while such a conversation was

going on in the room. I notice that one can always write best when

somebody is talking through a telephone close by. Well, the thing

began in this way. A member of our household came in and asked me

to have our house put into communication with Mr. Bagley’s downtown.

I have observed, in many cities, that the sex always shrink from

calling up the central office themselves. I don’t know why,

but they do. So I touched the bell, and this talk ensued:


I. Is it the Central Office?

C. O. Of course it is. What do you want?

I. Will you switch me on to the Bagleys, please?

C. O. All right. Just keep your ear to the telephone.


a horrible “gritting” of teeth, and finally a piping female voice:

Y-e-s? (RISING INFLECTION.) Did you wish to speak to me?

Without answering, I handed the telephone to the applicant, and sat down.

Then followed that queerest of all the queer things in this world–

a conversation with only one end of it. You hear questions asked;

you don’t hear the answer. You hear invitations given; you hear

no thanks in return. You have listening pauses of dead silence,

followed by apparently irrelevant and unjustifiable exclamations

of glad surprise or sorrow or dismay. You can’t make head or tail

of the talk, because you never hear anything that the person at the

other end of the wire says. Well, I heard the following remarkable

series of observations, all from the one tongue, and all shouted–

for you can’t ever persuade the sex to speak gently into a telephone:

Yes? Why, how did THAT happen?


What did you say?


Oh no, I don’t think it was.


NO! Oh no, I didn’t mean THAT. I meant, put it in while it

is still boiling–or just before it COMES to a boil.




I turned it over with a backstitch on the selvage edge.


Yes, I like that way, too; but I think it’s better to baste it

on with Valenciennes or bombazine, or something of that sort.

It gives it such an air–and attracts so much noise.


It’s forty-ninth Deuteronomy, sixty-forth to ninety-seventh inclusive.

I think we ought all to read it often.


Perhaps so; I generally use a hair pin.


What did you say? (ASIDE.) Children, do be quiet!


OH! B FLAT! Dear me, I thought you said it was the cat!


Since WHEN?


Why, _I_ never heard of it.


You astound me! It seems utterly impossible!


WHO did?


Good-ness gracious!


Well, what IS this world coming to? Was it right in CHURCH?


And was her MOTHER there?


Why, Mrs. Bagley, I should have died of humiliation! What did

they DO?

Long pause.

I can’t be perfectly sure, because I haven’t the notes by me;

but I think it goes something like this: te-rolly-loll-loll, loll

lolly-loll-loll, O tolly-loll-loll-LEE-LY-LI-I-do! And then REPEAT,

you know.


Yes, I think it IS very sweet–and very solemn and impressive,

if you get the andantino and the pianissimo right.


Oh, gum-drops, gum-drops! But I never allow them to eat striped candy.

And of course they CAN’T, till they get their teeth, anyway.




Oh, not in the least–go right on. He’s here writing–it doesn’t

bother HIM.


Very well, I’ll come if I can. (ASIDE.) Dear me, how it does tire

a person’s arm to hold this thing up so long! I wish she’d–


Oh no, not at all; I LIKE to talk–but I’m afraid I’m keeping you

from your affairs.




No, we never use butter on them.


Yes, that is a very good way; but all the cook-books say they

are very unhealthy when they are out of season. And HE doesn’t

like them, anyway–especially canned.


Oh, I think that is too high for them; we have never paid over fifty

cents a bunch.


MUST you go? Well, GOOD-by.


Yes, I think so. GOOD-by.


Four o’clock, then–I’ll be ready. GOOD-by.


Thank you ever so much. GOOD-by.


Oh, not at all!–just as fresh–WHICH? Oh, I’m glad to hear you

say that. GOOD-by.

(Hangs up the telephone and says, “Oh, it DOES tire a person’s

arm so!”)

A man delivers a single brutal “Good-by,” and that is the end of it.

Not so with the gentle sex–I say it in their praise; they cannot

abide abruptness.



These two were distantly related to each other–seventh cousins,

or something of that sort. While still babies they became orphans,

and were adopted by the Brants, a childless couple, who quickly

grew very fond of them. The Brants were always saying: “Be pure,

honest, sober, industrious, and considerate of others, and success

in life is assured.” The children heard this repeated some thousands

of times before they understood it; they could repeat it themselves

long before they could say the Lord’s Prayer; it was painted over

the nursery door, and was about the first thing they learned to read.

It was destined to be the unswerving rule of Edward Mills’s life.

Sometimes the Brants changed the wording a little, and said:

“Be pure, honest, sober, industrious, considerate, and you will never

lack friends.”

Baby Mills was a comfort to everybody about him. When he wanted

candy and could not have it, he listened to reason, and contented

himself without it. When Baby Benton wanted candy, he cried for it

until he got it. Baby Mills took care of his toys; Baby Benton

always destroyed his in a very brief time, and then made himself

to insistently disagreeable that, in order to have peace in the house,

little Edward was persuaded to yield up his play-things to him.

When the children were a little older, Georgie became a heavy expense

in one respect: he took no care of his clothes; consequently, he

shone frequently in new ones, with was not the case with Eddie.

The boys grew apace. Eddie was an increasing comfort, Georgie an

increasing solicitude. It was always sufficient to say, in answer

to Eddie’s petitions, “I would rather you would not do it”–

meaning swimming, skating, picnicking, berrying, circusing,

and all sorts of things which boys delight in. But NO answer

was sufficient for Georgie; he had to be humored in his desires,

or he would carry them with a high hand. Naturally, no boy got

more swimming skating, berrying, and so forth than he; no body

ever had a better time. The good Brants did not allow the boys

to play out after nine in summer evenings; they were sent to bed

at that hour; Eddie honorably remained, but Georgie usually slipped

out of the window toward ten, and enjoyed himself until midnight.

It seemed impossible to break Georgie of this bad habit, but the

Brants managed it at last by hiring him, with apples and marbles,

to stay in. The good Brants gave all their time and attention

to vain endeavors to regulate Georgie; they said, with grateful

tears in their eyes, that Eddie needed no efforts of theirs,

he was so good, so considerate, and in all ways so perfect.

By and by the boys were big enough to work, so they were apprenticed

to a trade: Edward went voluntarily; George was coaxed and bribed.

Edward worked hard and faithfully, and ceased to be an expense to the

good Brants; they praised him, so did his master; but George ran away,

and it cost Mr. Brant both money and trouble to hunt him up and get

him back. By and by he ran away again–more money and more trouble.

He ran away a third time–and stole a few things to carry with him.

Trouble and expense for Mr. Brant once more; and, besides, it was with

the greatest difficulty that he succeeded in persuading the master

to let the youth go unprosecuted for the theft.

Edward worked steadily along, and in time became a full partner

in his master’s business. George did not improve; he kept the loving

hearts of his aged benefactors full of trouble, and their hands full

of inventive activities to protect him from ruin. Edward, as a boy,

had interested himself in Sunday-schools, debating societies,

penny missionary affairs, anti-tobacco organizations, anti-profanity

associations, and all such things; as a man, he was a quiet but

steady and reliable helper in the church, the temperance societies,

and in all movements looking to the aiding and uplifting of men. This

excited no remark, attracted no attention–for it was his “natural bent.”

Finally, the old people died. The will testified their loving

pride in Edward, and left their little property to George–

because he “needed it”; whereas, “owing to a bountiful Providence,”

such was not the case with Edward. The property was left to

George conditionally: he must buy out Edward’s partner with it;

else it must go to a benevolent organization called the Prisoner’s

Friend Society. The old people left a letter, in which they begged

their dear son Edward to take their place and watch over George,

and help and shield him as they had done.

Edward dutifully acquiesced, and George became his partner in

the business. He was not a valuable partner: he had been meddling

with drink before; he soon developed into a constant tippler now,

and his flesh and eyes showed the fact unpleasantly. Edward had

been courting a sweet and kindly spirited girl for some time.

They loved each other dearly, and–But about this period George began

to haunt her tearfully and imploringly, and at last she went crying

to Edward, and said her high and holy duty was plain before her–

she must not let her own selfish desires interfere with it:

she must marry “poor George” and “reform him.” It would break

her heart, she knew it would, and so on; but duty was duty.

So she married George, and Edward’s heart came very near breaking,

as well as her own. However, Edward recovered, and married another girl–

a very excellent one she was, too.

Children came to both families. Mary did her honest best to reform

her husband, but the contract was too large. George went on drinking,

and by and by he fell to misusing her and the little ones sadly.

A great many good people strove with George–they were always at it,

in fact–but he calmly took such efforts as his due and their duty,

and did not mend his ways. He added a vice, presently–that of

secret gambling. He got deeply in debt; he borrowed money on the

firm’s credit, as quietly as he could, and carried this system so far

and so successfully that one morning the sheriff took possession of

the establishment, and the two cousins found themselves penniless.

Times were hard, now, and they grew worse. Edward moved his family

into a garret, and walked the streets day and night, seeking work.

He begged for it, but in was really not to be had. He was astonished

to see how soon his face became unwelcome; he was astonished

and hurt to see how quickly the ancient interest which people had

had in him faded out and disappeared. Still, he MUST get work;

so he swallowed his chagrin, and toiled on in search of it.

At last he got a job of carrying bricks up a ladder in a hod,

and was a grateful man in consequence; but after that NOBODY knew

him or cared anything about him. He was not able to keep up

his dues in the various moral organizations to which he belonged,

and had to endure the sharp pain of seeing himself brought under

the disgrace of suspension.

But the faster Edward died out of public knowledge and interest,

the faster George rose in them. He was found lying, ragged and drunk,

in the gutter one morning. A member of the Ladies’ Temperance Refuge

fished him out, took him in hand, got up a subscription for him,

kept him sober a whole week, then got a situation for him.

An account of it was published.

General attention was thus drawn to the poor fellow, and a great

many people came forward and helped him toward reform with their

countenance and encouragement. He did not drink a drop for two months,

and meantime was the pet of the good. Then he fell–in the gutter;

and there was general sorrow and lamentation. But the noble

sisterhood rescued him again. They cleaned him up, they fed him,

they listened to the mournful music of his repentances, they got

him his situation again. An account of this, also, was published,

and the town was drowned in happy tears over the re-restoration

of the poor beast and struggling victim of the fatal bowl.

A grand temperance revival was got up, and after some rousing

speeches had been made the chairman said, impressively: “We are

not about to call for signers; and I think there is a spectacle

in store for you which not many in this house will be able to view

with dry eyes.” There was an eloquent pause, and then George Benton,

escorted by a red-sashed detachment of the Ladies of the Refuge,

stepped forward upon the platform and signed the pledge. The air

was rent with applause, and everybody cried for joy. Everybody wrung

the hand of the new convert when the meeting was over; his salary

was enlarged next day; he was the talk of the town, and its hero.

An account of it was published.

George Benton fell, regularly, every three months, but was faithfully

rescued and wrought with, every time, and good situations were

found for him. Finally, he was taken around the country lecturing,

as a reformed drunkard, and he had great houses and did an immense

amount of good.

He was so popular at home, and so trusted–during his sober intervals–

that he was enabled to use the name of a principal citizen, and get

a large sum of money at the bank. A mighty pressure was brought

to bear to save him from the consequences of his forgery, and it

was partially successful–he was “sent up” for only two years.

When, at the end of a year, the tireless efforts of the benevolent

were crowned with success, and he emerged from the penitentiary

with a pardon in his pocket, the Prisoner’s Friend Society met him

at the door with a situation and a comfortable salary, and all

the other benevolent people came forward and gave him advice,

encouragement and help. Edward Mills had once applied to the Prisoner’s

Friend Society for a situation, when in dire need, but the question,

“Have you been a prisoner?” made brief work of his case.

While all these things were going on, Edward Mills had been

quietly making head against adversity. He was still poor, but was

in receipt of a steady and sufficient salary, as the respected

and trusted cashier of a bank. George Benton never came near him,

and was never heard to inquire about him. George got to indulging

in long absences from the town; there were ill reports about him,

but nothing definite.

One winter’s night some masked burglars forced their way into the bank,

and found Edward Mills there alone. They commanded him to reveal

the “combination,” so that they could get into the safe. He refused.

They threatened his life. He said his employers trusted him,

and he could not be traitor to that trust. He could die, if he must,

but while he lived he would be faithful; he would not yield up

the “combination.” The burglars killed him.

The detectives hunted down the criminals; the chief one proved

to be George Benton. A wide sympathy was felt for the widow and

orphans of the dead man, and all the newspapers in the land begged

that all the banks in the land would testify their appreciation

of the fidelity and heroism of the murdered cashier by coming

forward with a generous contribution of money in aid of his family,

now bereft of support. The result was a mass of solid cash amounting

to upward of five hundred dollars–an average of nearly three-eights

of a cent for each bank in the Union. The cashier’s own bank

testified its gratitude by endeavoring to show (but humiliatingly

failed in it) that the peerless servant’s accounts were not square,

and that he himself had knocked his brains out with a bludgeon

to escape detection and punishment.

George Benton was arraigned for trial. Then everybody seemed to

forget the widow and orphans in their solicitude for poor George.

Everything that money and influence could do was done to save him,

but it all failed; he was sentenced to death. Straightway the

Governor was besieged with petitions for commutation or pardon;

they were brought by tearful young girls; by sorrowful old maids;

by deputations of pathetic widows; by shoals of impressive orphans.

But no, the Governor–for once–would not yield.

Now George Benton experienced religion. The glad news flew all around.

From that time forth his cell was always full of girls and women and

fresh flowers; all the day long there was prayer, and hymn-singing,

and thanksgiving, and homilies, and tears, with never an interruption,

except an occasional five-minute intermission for refreshments.

This sort of thing continued up to the very gallows, and George

Benton went proudly home, in the black cap, before a wailing

audience of the sweetest and best that the region could produce.

His grave had fresh flowers on it every day, for a while,

and the head-stone bore these words, under a hand pointing aloft:

“He has fought the good fight.”

The brave cashier’s head-stone has this inscription: “Be pure,

honest, sober, industrious, considerate, and you will never–”

Nobody knows who gave the order to leave it that way, but it was

so given.

The cashier’s family are in stringent circumstances, now, it is said;

but no matter; a lot of appreciative people, who were not willing

that an act so brave and true as his should go unrewarded,

have collected forty-two thousand dollars–and built a Memorial

Church with it.



Chapter I

In the morning of life came a good fairy with her basket, and said:

“Here are gifts. Take one, leave the others. And be wary,

chose wisely; oh, choose wisely! for only one of them is valuable.”

The gifts were five: Fame, Love, Riches, Pleasure, Death.

The youth said, eagerly:

“There is no need to consider”; and he chose Pleasure.

He went out into the world and sought out the pleasures that youth

delights in. But each in its turn was short-lived and disappointing,

vain and empty; and each, departing, mocked him. In the end he said:

“These years I have wasted. If I could but choose again, I would

choose wisely.

Chapter II

The fairy appeared, and said:

“Four of the gifts remain. Choose once more; and oh, remember–

time is flying, and only one of them is precious.”

The man considered long, then chose Love; and did not mark the tears

that rose in the fairy’s eyes.

After many, many years the man sat by a coffin, in an empty home.

And he communed with himself, saying: “One by one they have gone

away and left me; and now she lies here, the dearest and the last.

Desolation after desolation has swept over me; for each hour

of happiness the treacherous trader, Love, as sold me I have paid

a thousand hours of grief. Out of my heart of hearts I curse him.”

Chapter III

“Choose again.” It was the fairy speaking.

“The years have taught you wisdom–surely it must be so.

Three gifts remain. Only one of them has any worth–remember it,

and choose warily.”

The man reflected long, then chose Fame; and the fairy, sighing,

went her way.

Years went by and she came again, and stood behind the man where he

sat solitary in the fading day, thinking. And she knew his thought:

“My name filled the world, and its praises were on every tongue,

and it seemed well with me for a little while. How little a while

it was! Then came envy; then detraction; then calumny; then hate;

then persecution. Then derision, which is the beginning of the end.

And last of all came pity, which is the funeral of fame. Oh,

the bitterness and misery of renown! target for mud in its prime,

for contempt and compassion in its decay.”

Chapter IV

“Chose yet again.” It was the fairy’s voice.

“Two gifts remain. And do not despair. In the beginning there

was but one that was precious, and it is still here.”

“Wealth–which is power! How blind I was!” said the man.

“Now, at last, life will be worth the living. I will spend,

squander, dazzle. These mockers and despisers will crawl in the

dirt before me, and I will feed my hungry heart with their envy.

I will have all luxuries, all joys, all enchantments of the spirit,

all contentments of the body that man holds dear. I will buy,

buy, buy! deference, respect, esteem, worship–every pinchbeck

grace of life the market of a trivial world can furnish forth.

I have lost much time, and chosen badly heretofore, but let that pass;

I was ignorant then, and could but take for best what seemed so.”

Three short years went by, and a day came when the man sat shivering

in a mean garret; and he was gaunt and wan and hollow-eyed,

and clothed in rags; and he was gnawing a dry crust and mumbling:

“Curse all the world’s gifts, for mockeries and gilded lies!

And miscalled, every one. They are not gifts, but merely lendings.

Pleasure, Love, Fame, Riches: they are but temporary disguises for

lasting realities–Pain, Grief, Shame, Poverty. The fairy said true;

in all her store there was but one gift which was precious,

only one that was not valueless. How poor and cheap and mean I

know those others now to be, compared with that inestimable one,

that dear and sweet and kindly one, that steeps in dreamless and

enduring sleep the pains that persecute the body, and the shames

and griefs that eat the mind and heart. Bring it! I am weary,

I would rest.”

Chapter V

The fairy came, bringing again four of the gifts, but Death was wanting.

She said:

“I gave it to a mother’s pet, a little child. It was ignorant,

but trusted me, asking me to choose for it. You did not ask me

to choose.”

“Oh, miserable me! What is left for me?”

“What not even you have deserved: the wanton insult of Old Age.”



From My Unpublished Autobiography

Some days ago a correspondent sent in an old typewritten sheet,

faded by age, containing the following letter over the signature

of Mark Twain:

“Hartford, March 10, 1875.

“Please do not use my name in any way. Please do not even divulge

that fact that I own a machine. I have entirely stopped using

the typewriter, for the reason that I never could write a letter

with it to anybody without receiving a request by return mail that I

would not only describe the machine, but state what progress I had

made in the use of it, etc., etc. I don’t like to write letters,

and so I don’t want people to know I own this curiosity-breeding

little joker.”

A note was sent to Mr. Clemens asking him if the letter was genuine

and whether he really had a typewriter as long ago as that.

Mr. Clemens replied that his best answer is the following chapter

from his unpublished autobiography:


Dictating autobiography to a typewriter is a new experience for me,

but it goes very well, and is going to save time and “language”–

the kind of language that soothes vexation.

I have dictated to a typewriter before–but not autobiography.

Between that experience and the present one there lies a mighty gap–

more than thirty years! It is sort of lifetime. In that wide interval

much has happened–to the type-machine as well as to the rest of us.

At the beginning of that interval a type-machine was a curiosity.

The person who owned one was a curiosity, too. But now it is the

other way about: the person who DOESN’T own one is a curiosity.

I saw a type-machine for the first time in–what year? I suppose it

was 1873–because Nasby was with me at the time, and it was in Boston.

We must have been lecturing, or we could not have been in Boston,

I take it. I quitted the platform that season.

But never mind about that, it is no matter. Nasby and I saw

the machine through a window, and went in to look at it.

The salesman explained it to us, showed us samples of its work,

and said it could do fifty-seven words a minute–a statement

which we frankly confessed that we did not believe. So he put

his type-girl to work, and we timed her by the watch. She actually

did the fifty-seven in sixty seconds. We were partly convinced,

but said it probably couldn’t happen again. But it did.

We timed the girl over and over again–with the same result always:

she won out. She did her work on narrow slips of paper, and we

pocketed them as fast as she turned them out, to show as curiosities.

The price of the machine was one hundred and twenty-five dollars.

I bought one, and we went away very much excited.

At the hotel we got out our slips and were a little disappointed

to find that they contained the same words. The girl had economized

time and labor by using a formula which she knew by heart.

However, we argued–safely enough–that the FIRST type-girl must

naturally take rank with the first billiard-player: neither of them

could be expected to get out of the game any more than a third or a

half of what was in it. If the machine survived–IF it survived–

experts would come to the front, by and by, who would double the girl’s

output without a doubt. They would do one hundred words a minute–

my talking speed on the platform. That score has long ago been beaten.

At home I played with the toy, repeated and repeating and repeated “The

Boy stood on the Burning Deck,” until I could turn that boy’s adventure

out at the rate of twelve words a minute; then I resumed the pen,

for business, and only worked the machine to astonish inquiring visitors.

They carried off many reams of the boy and his burning deck.

By and by I hired a young woman, and did my first dictating (letters,

merely), and my last until now. The machine did not do both capitals

and lower case (as now), but only capitals. Gothic capitals they were,

and sufficiently ugly. I remember the first letter I dictated.

it was to Edward Bok, who was a boy then. I was not acquainted

with him at that time. His present enterprising spirit is not new–

he had it in that early day. He was accumulating autographs, and was

not content with mere signatures, he wanted a whole autograph LETTER.

I furnished it–in type-written capitals, SIGNATURE AND ALL.

It was long; it was a sermon; it contained advice; also reproaches.

I said writing was my TRADE, my bread-and-butter; I said it was

not fair to ask a man to give away samples of his trade; would he

ask the blacksmith for a horseshoe? would he ask the doctor for

a corpse?

Now I come to an important matter–as I regard it. In the year

’74 the young woman copied a considerable part of a book of mine

ON THE MACHINE. In a previous chapter of this Autobiography I

have claimed that I was the first person in the world that ever had

a telephone in the house for practical purposes; I will now claim–

until dispossess–that I was the first person in the world to APPLY

THE TYPE-MACHINE TO LITERATURE. That book must have been THE

ADVENTURES OF TOM SAWYER. I wrote the first half of it in ’72,

the rest of it in ’74. My machinist type-copied a book for me

in ’74, so I concluded it was that one.

That early machine was full of caprices, full of defects–devilish ones.

It had as many immoralities as the machine of today has virtues.

After a year or two I found that it was degrading my character,

so I thought I would give it to Howells. He was reluctant, for he

was suspicious of novelties and unfriendly toward them, and he remains

so to this day. But I persuaded him. He had great confidence in me,

and I got him to believe things about the machine that I did not

believe myself. He took it home to Boston, and my morals began

to improve, but his have never recovered.

He kept it six months, and then returned it to me. I gave it away

twice after that, but it wouldn’t stay; it came back. Then I

gave it to our coachman, Patrick McAleer, who was very grateful,

because he did not know the animal, and thought I was trying to

make him wiser and better. As soon as he got wiser and better he

traded it to a heretic for a side-saddle which he could not use,

and there my knowledge of its history ends.



It is almost a fortnight now that I am domiciled in a medieval

villa in the country, a mile or two from Florence. I cannot speak

the language; I am too old not to learn how, also too busy when I

am busy, and too indolent when I am not; wherefore some will

imagine that I am having a dull time of it. But it is not so.

The “help” are all natives; they talk Italian to me, I answer

in English; I do not understand them, they do not understand me,

consequently no harm is done, and everybody is satisfied. In order

to be just and fair, I throw in an Italian word when I have one,

and this has a good influence. I get the word out of the morning paper.

I have to use it while it is fresh, for I find that Italian words

do not keep in this climate. They fade toward night, and next

morning they are gone. But it is no matter; I get a new one out

of the paper before breakfast, and thrill the domestics with it

while it lasts. I have no dictionary, and I do not want one;

I can select words by the sound, or by orthographic aspect.

Many of them have French or German or English look, and these are

the ones I enslave for the day’s service. That is, as a rule.

Not always. If I find a learnable phrase that has an imposing look

and warbles musically along I do not care to know the meaning of it;

I pay it out to the first applicant, knowing that if I pronounce it

carefully HE will understand it, and that’s enough.

Yesterday’s word was AVANTI. It sounds Shakespearian, and probably

means Avaunt and quit my sight. Today I have a whole phrase:

SONO DISPIACENTISSIMO. I do not know what it means, but it seems

to fit in everywhere and give satisfaction. Although as a rule

my words and phrases are good for one day and train only, I have

several that stay by me all the time, for some unknown reason,

and these come very handy when I get into a long conversation and need

things to fire up with in monotonous stretches. One of the best ones

is DOV’ `E IL GATTO. It nearly always produces a pleasant surprise,

therefore I save it up for places where I want to express applause

or admiration. The fourth word has a French sound, and I think

the phrase means “that takes the cake.”

During my first week in the deep and dreamy stillness of this woodsy

and flowery place I was without news of the outside world, and was

well content without it. It has been four weeks since I had seen

a newspaper, and this lack seemed to give life a new charm and grace,

and to saturate it with a feeling verging upon actual delight.

Then came a change that was to be expected: the appetite for news

began to rise again, after this invigorating rest. I had to feed it,

but I was not willing to let it make me its helpless slave again;

I determined to put it on a diet, and a strict and limited one.

So I examined an Italian paper, with the idea of feeding it on that,

and on that exclusively. On that exclusively, and without help of

a dictionary. In this way I should surely be well protected against

overloading and indigestion.

A glance at the telegraphic page filled me with encouragement.

There were no scare-heads. That was good–supremely good. But there

were headings–one-liners and two-liners–and that was good too;

for without these, one must do as one does with a German paper–pay our

precious time in finding out what an article is about, only to discover,

in many cases, that there is nothing in it of interest to you.

The headline is a valuable thing.

Necessarily we are all fond of murders, scandals, swindles,

robberies, explosions, collisions, and all such things, when we

knew the people, and when they are neighbors and friends, but when

they are strangers we do not get any great pleasure out of them,

as a rule. Now the trouble with an American paper is that it has

no discrimination; it rakes the whole earth for blood and garbage,

and the result is that you are daily overfed and suffer a surfeit.

By habit you stow this muck every day, but you come by and by to

take no vital interest in it–indeed, you almost get tired of it.

As a rule, forty-nine-fiftieths of it concerns strangers only–

people away off yonder, a thousand miles, two thousand miles,

ten thousand miles from where you are. Why, when you come to think

of it, who cares what becomes of those people? I would not give

the assassination of one personal friend for a whole massacre

of those others. And, to my mind, one relative or neighbor mixed

up in a scandal is more interesting than a whole Sodom and Gomorrah

of outlanders gone rotten. Give me the home product every time.

Very well. I saw at a glance that the Florentine paper would

suit me: five out of six of its scandals and tragedies were local;

they were adventures of one’s very neighbors, one might almost say

one’s friends. In the matter of world news there was not too much,

but just about enough. I subscribed. I have had no occasion

to regret it. Every morning I get all the news I need for the day;

sometimes from the headlines, sometimes from the text. I have never

had to call for a dictionary yet. I read the paper with ease.

Often I do not quite understand, often some of the details escape me,

but no matter, I get the idea. I will cut out a passage or two,

then you see how limpid the language is:

Il ritorno dei Beati d’Italia

Elargizione del Re all’ Ospedale italiano

The first line means that the Italian sovereigns are coming back–

they have been to England. The second line seems to mean that they

enlarged the King at the Italian hospital. With a banquet, I suppose.

An English banquet has that effect. Further:

Il ritorno dei Sovrani

a Roma

ROMA, 24, ore 22,50.–I Sovrani e le Principessine Reali si attendono

a Roma domani alle ore 15,51.

Return of the sovereigns to Rome, you see. Date of the telegram,

Rome, November 24, ten minutes before twenty-three o’clock. The

telegram seems to say, “The Sovereigns and the Royal Children expect

themselves at Rome tomorrow at fifty-one minutes after fifteen o’clock.”

I do not know about Italian time, but I judge it begins at midnight

and runs through the twenty-four hours without breaking bulk.

In the following ad, the theaters open at half-past twenty.

If these are not matinees, 20.30 must mean 8.30 P.M., by my reckoning.

Spettacolli del di 25


ALFIERI.–Compagnia drammatica Drago–(Ore 20,30)–LA LEGGE.

ALHAMBRA–(Ore 20,30)–Spettacolo variato. SALA EDISON–

Grandiosoo spettacolo Cinematografico: QUO VADIS?–Inaugurazione della

Chiesa Russa–In coda al Direttissimo–Vedute di Firenze con

gran movimeno–America: Transporto tronchi giganteschi–I ladri

in casa del Diavolo–Scene comiche. CINEMATOGRAFO–Via Brunelleschi

n. 4.–Programma straordinario, DON CHISCIOTTE–Prezzi populari.

The whole of that is intelligible to me–and sane and rational, too–

except the remark about the Inauguration of a Russian Chinese.

That one oversizes my hand. Give me five cards.

This is a four-page paper; and as it is set in long primer leaded

and has a page of advertisements, there is no room for the crimes,

disasters, and general sweepings of the outside world–thanks be!

Today I find only a single importation of the off-color sort:

Una Principessa

che fugge con un cocchiere

PARIGI, 24.–Il MATIN ha da Berlino che la principessa

Schovenbare-Waldenbure scomparve il 9 novembre. Sarebbe partita

col suo cocchiere.

La Principassa ha 27 anni.

Twenty-seven years old, and scomparve–scampered–on the 9th November.

You see by the added detail that she departed with her coachman.

I hope Sarebbe has not made a mistake, but I am afraid the chances

are that she has. SONO DISPIACENTISSIMO.

There are several fires: also a couple of accidents. This is

one of them:

Grave disgrazia sul Ponte Vecchio

Stammattina, circe le 7,30, mentre Giuseppe Sciatti, di anni 55,

di Casellina e Torri, passava dal Ponte Vecchio, stando seduto sopra

un barroccio carico di verdura, perse l’ equilibrio e cadde al suolo,

rimanendo con la gamba destra sotto una ruota del veicolo.

Lo Sciatti fu subito raccolto da alcuni cittadini, che, per mezzo

della pubblica vettura n. 365, lo transporto a San Giovanni di Dio.

Ivi il medico di guardia gli riscontro la frattura della gamba

destra e alcune lievi escoriazioni giudicandolo guaribile in 50

giorni salvo complicazioni.

What it seems to say is this: “Serious Disgrace on the Old

Old Bridge. This morning about 7.30, Mr. Joseph Sciatti, aged 55,

of Casellina and Torri, while standing up in a sitting posture

on top of a carico barrow of vedure (foliage? hay? vegetables?),

lost his equilibrium and fell on himself, arriving with his left

leg under one of the wheels of the vehicle.

“Said Sciatti was suddenly harvested (gathered in?) by several citizens,

who by means of public cab No. 365 transported to St. John of God.”

Paragraph No. 3 is a little obscure, but I think it says that

the medico set the broken left leg–right enough, since there

was nothing the matter with the other one–and that several

are encouraged to hope that fifty days well fetch him around

in quite giudicandolo-guaribile way, if no complications intervene.

I am sure I hope so myself.

There is a great and peculiar charm about reading news-scraps in a

language which you are not acquainted with–the charm that always goes

with the mysterious and the uncertain. You can never be absolutely

sure of the meaning of anything you read in such circumstances;

you are chasing an alert and gamy riddle all the time, and the

baffling turns and dodges of the prey make the life of the hunt.

A dictionary would spoil it. Sometimes a single word of doubtful

purport will cast a veil of dreamy and golden uncertainty over a

whole paragraph of cold and practical certainties, and leave steeped

in a haunting and adorable mystery an incident which had been vulgar

and commonplace but for that benefaction. Would you be wise to draw

a dictionary on that gracious word? would you be properly grateful?

After a couple of days’ rest I now come back to my subject and seek

a case in point. I find it without trouble, in the morning paper;

a cablegram from Chicago and Indiana by way of Paris. All the words

save one are guessable by a person ignorant of Italian:

Revolverate in teatro

PARIGI, 27.–La PATRIE ha da Chicago:

Il guardiano del teatro dell’opera di Walace (Indiana), avendo voluto

espellare uno spettatore che continuava a fumare malgrado il diviety,

questo spalleggiato dai suoi amici tir`o diversi colpi di rivoltella.

Il guardiano ripose. Nacque una scarica generale. Grande panico

tra gli spettatori. Nessun ferito.

TRANSLATION.–“Revolveration in Theater. PARIS, 27TH. LA PATRIE

has from Chicago: The cop of the theater of the opera of Wallace,

Indiana, had willed to expel a spectator which continued to smoke

in spite of the prohibition, who, spalleggiato by his friends,

tir’o (Fr. TIR’E, Anglice PULLED) manifold revolver-shots;

great panic among the spectators. Nobody hurt.”

It is bettable that that harmless cataclysm in the theater of the opera

of Wallace, Indiana, excited not a person in Europe but me, and so

came near to not being worth cabling to Florence by way of France.

But it does excite me. It excites me because I cannot make out,

for sure, what it was that moved the spectator to resist the officer.

I was gliding along smoothly and without obstruction or accident,

until I came to that word “spalleggiato,” then the bottom fell out.

You notice what a rich gloom, what a somber and pervading mystery,

that word sheds all over the whole Wallachian tragedy. That is the charm

of the thing, that is the delight of it. This is where you begin,

this is where you revel. You can guess and guess, and have all

the fun you like; you need not be afraid there will be an end to it;

none is possible, for no amount of guessing will ever furnish you

a meaning for that word that you can be sure is the right one.

All the other words give you hints, by their form, their sound,

or their spelling–this one doesn’t, this one throws out no hints,

this one keeps its secret. If there is even the slightest slight

shadow of a hint anywhere, it lies in the very meagerly suggestive

fact that “spalleggiato” carries our word “egg” in its stomach.

Well, make the most out of it, and then where are you at?

You conjecture that the spectator which was smoking in spite

of the prohibition and become reprohibited by the guardians,

was “egged on” by his friends, and that was owing to that evil

influence that he initiated the revolveration in theater that has

galloped under the sea and come crashing through the European

press without exciting anybody but me. But are you sure,

are you dead sure, that that was the way of it? No. Then the

uncertainty remains, the mystery abides, and with it the charm.

Guess again.

If I had a phrase-book of a really satisfactory sort I would

study it, and not give all my free time to undictionarial readings,

but there is no such work on the market. The existing phrase-books

are inadequate. They are well enough as far as they go, but when

you fall down and skin your leg they don’t tell you what to say.



I found that a person of large intelligence could read this beautiful

language with considerable facility without a dictionary, but I presently

found that to such a parson a grammar could be of use at times.

It is because, if he does not know the WERE’S and the WAS’S and the

MAYBE’S and the HAS-BEENS’S apart, confusions and uncertainties

can arise. He can get the idea that a thing is going to happen next

week when the truth is that it has already happened week before last.

Even more previously, sometimes. Examination and inquiry showed

me that the adjectives and such things were frank and fair-minded

and straightforward, and did not shuffle; it was the Verb that mixed

the hands, it was the Verb that lacked stability, it was the Verb that

had no permanent opinion about anything, it was the Verb that was always

dodging the issue and putting out the light and making all the trouble.

Further examination, further inquiry, further reflection,

confirmed this judgment, and established beyond peradventure the

fact that the Verb was the storm-center. This discovery made plain

the right and wise course to pursue in order to acquire certainty

and exactness in understanding the statements which the newspaper

was daily endeavoring to convey to me: I must catch a Verb and

tame it. I must find out its ways, I must spot its eccentricities,

I must penetrate its disguises, I must intelligently foresee and

forecast at least the commoner of the dodges it was likely to try

upon a stranger in given circumstances, I must get in on its main

shifts and head them off, I must learn its game and play the limit.

I had noticed, in other foreign languages, that verbs are bred

in families, and that the members of each family have certain features

or resemblances that are common to that family and distinguish it

from the other families–the other kin, the cousins and what not.

I had noticed that this family-mark is not usually the nose or the hair,

so to speak, but the tail–the Termination–and that these tails

are quite definitely differentiated; insomuch that an expert can

tell a Pluperfect from a Subjunctive by its tail as easily and as

certainly as a cowboy can tell a cow from a horse by the like process,

the result of observation and culture. I should explain that I

am speaking of legitimate verbs, those verbs which in the slang

of the grammar are called Regular. There are other–I am not meaning

to conceal this; others called Irregulars, born out of wedlock,

of unknown and uninteresting parentage, and naturally destitute

of family resemblances, as regards to all features, tails included.

But of these pathetic outcasts I have nothing to say. I do not

approve of them, I do not encourage them; I am prudishly delicate

and sensitive, and I do not allow them to be used in my presence.

But, as I have said, I decided to catch one of the others and break

it into harness. One is enough. Once familiar with its assortment

of tails, you are immune; after that, no regular verb can conceal

its specialty from you and make you think it is working the past

or the future or the conditional or the unconditional when it is

engaged in some other line of business–its tail will give it away.

I found out all these things by myself, without a teacher.

I selected the verb AMARE, TO LOVE. Not for any personal reason,

for I am indifferent about verbs; I care no more for one verb than

for another, and have little or no respect for any of them; but in

foreign languages you always begin with that one. Why, I don’t know.

It is merely habit, I suppose; the first teacher chose it,

Adam was satisfied, and there hasn’t been a successor since with

originality enough to start a fresh one. For they ARE a pretty

limited lot, you will admit that? Originality is not in their line;

they can’t think up anything new, anything to freshen up the old

moss-grown dullness of the language lesson and put life and “go”

into it, and charm and grace and picturesqueness.

I knew I must look after those details myself; therefore I thought

them out and wrote them down, and set for the FACCHINO and explained

them to him, and said he must arrange a proper plant, and get together

a good stock company among the CONTADINI, and design the costumes,

and distribute the parts; and drill the troupe, and be ready in three

days to begin on this Verb in a shipshape and workman-like manner.

I told him to put each grand division of it under a foreman,

and each subdivision under a subordinate of the rank of sergeant

or corporal or something like that, and to have a different uniform

for each squad, so that I could tell a Pluperfect from a Compound

Future without looking at the book; the whole battery to be under

his own special and particular command, with the rank of Brigadier,

and I to pay the freight.

I then inquired into the character and possibilities of the selected verb,

and was much disturbed to find that it was over my size, it being

chambered for fifty-seven rounds–fifty-seven ways of saying I LOVE

without reloading; and yet none of them likely to convince a girl

that was laying for a title, or a title that was laying for rocks.

It seemed to me that with my inexperience it would be foolish to go

into action with this mitrailleuse, so I ordered it to the rear

and told the facchino to provide something a little more primitive

to start with, something less elaborate, some gentle old-fashioned

flint-lock, smooth-bore, double-barreled thing, calculated to cripple

at two hundred yards and kill at forty–an arrangement suitable for a

beginner who could be satisfied with moderate results on the offstart

and did not wish to take the whole territory in the first campaign.

But in vain. He was not able to mend the matter, all the verbs being

of the same build, all Gatlings, all of the same caliber and delivery,

fifty-seven to the volley, and fatal at a mile and a half.

But he said the auxiliary verb AVERE, TO HAVE, was a tidy thing,

and easy to handle in a seaway, and less likely to miss stays in

going about than some of the others; so, upon his recommendation I

chose that one, and told him to take it along and scrape its bottom

and break out its spinnaker and get it ready for business.

I will explain that a facchino is a general-utility domestic.

Mine was a horse-doctor in his better days, and a very good one.

At the end of three days the facchino-doctor-brigadier was ready.

I was also ready, with a stenographer. We were in a room called

the Rope-Walk. This is a formidably long room, as is indicated

by its facetious name, and is a good place for reviews. At 9:30

the F.-D.-B. took his place near me and gave the word of command;

the drums began to rumble and thunder, the head of the forces appeared

at an upper door, and the “march-past” was on. Down they filed,

a blaze of variegated color, each squad gaudy in a uniform of its own

and bearing a banner inscribed with its verbal rank and quality:

first the Present Tense in Mediterranean blue and old gold, then the

Past Definite in scarlet and black, then the Imperfect in green

and yellow, then the Indicative Future in the stars and stripes,

then the Old Red Sandstone Subjunctive in purple and silver–

and so on and so on, fifty-seven privates and twenty commissioned

and non-commissioned officers; certainly one of the most fiery and

dazzling and eloquent sights I have ever beheld. I could not keep back

the tears. Presently:

“Halt!” commanded the Brigadier.


“Right dress!”

“Stand at ease!”

“One–two–three. In unison–RECITE!”

It was fine. In one noble volume of sound of all the fifty-seven

Haves in the Italian language burst forth in an exalting

and splendid confusion. Then came commands:

“About–face! Eyes–front! Helm alee–hard aport! Forward–march!”

and the drums let go again.

When the last Termination had disappeared, the commander said

the instruction drill would now begin, and asked for suggestions.

I said:

“They say I HAVE, THOU HAST, HE HAS, and so on, but they don’t say WHAT.

It will be better, and more definite, if they have something

to have; just an object, you know, a something–anything will do;

anything that will give the listener a sort of personal as well

as grammatical interest in their joys and complaints, you see.”

He said:

“It is a good point. Would a dog do?”

I said I did not know, but we could try a dog and see. So he sent

out an aide-de-camp to give the order to add the dog.

The six privates of the Present Tense now filed in, in charge

of Sergeant AVERE (TO HAVE), and displaying their banner.

They formed in line of battle, and recited, one at a time, thus:

“IO HO UN CANE, I have a dog.”

“TU HAI UN CANE, thou hast a dog.”

“EGLI HA UN CANE, he has a dog.”

“NOI ABBIAMO UN CANE, we have a dog.”

“VOI AVETE UN CANE, you have a dog.”

“EGLINO HANNO UN CANE, they have a dog.”

No comment followed. They returned to camp, and I reflected a while.

The commander said:

“I fear you are disappointed.”

“Yes,” I said; “they are too monotonous, too singsong, to dead-and-alive;

they have no expression, no elocution. It isn’t natural; it could

never happen in real life. A person who had just acquired a dog

is either blame’ glad or blame’ sorry. He is not on the fence.

I never saw a case. What the nation do you suppose is the matter

with these people?”

He thought maybe the trouble was with the dog. He said:

“These are CONTADINI, you know, and they have a prejudice against dogs–

that is, against marimane. Marimana dogs stand guard over people’s

vines and olives, you know, and are very savage, and thereby a grief

and an inconvenience to persons who want other people’s things

at night. In my judgment they have taken this dog for a marimana,

and have soured on him.”

I saw that the dog was a mistake, and not functionable:

we must try something else; something, if possible, that could

evoke sentiment, interest, feeling.

“What is cat, in Italian?” I asked.


“Is it a gentleman cat, or a lady?”

“Gentleman cat.”

“How are these people as regards that animal?”

“We-ll, they–they–”

“You hesitate: that is enough. How are they about chickens?”

He tilted his eyes toward heaven in mute ecstasy. I understood.

“What is chicken, in Italian?” I asked.

“Pollo, PODERE.” (Podere is Italian for master. It is a title

of courtesy, and conveys reverence and admiration.) “Pollo is one

chicken by itself; when there are enough present to constitute

a plural, it is POLLI.”

“Very well, polli will do. Which squad is detailed for duty next?”

“The Past Definite.”

“Send out and order it to the front–with chickens. And let them

understand that we don’t want any more of this cold indifference.”

He gave the order to an aide, adding, with a haunting tenderness

in his tone and a watering mouth in his aspect:

“Convey to them the conception that these are unprotected chickens.”

He turned to me, saluting with his hand to his temple, and explained,

“It will inflame their interest in the poultry, sire.”

A few minutes elapsed. Then the squad marched in and formed up,

their faces glowing with enthusiasm, and the file-leader shouted:

“EBBI POLLI, I had chickens!”

“Good!” I said. “Go on, the next.”

“AVEST POLLI, thou hadst chickens!”

“Fine! Next!”

“EBBE POLLI, he had chickens!”

“Moltimoltissimo! Go on, the next!”

“AVEMMO POLLI, we had chickens!”

“Basta-basta aspettatto avanti–last man–CHARGE!”

“EBBERO POLLI, they had chickens!”

Then they formed in echelon, by columns of fours, refused the left,

and retired in great style on the double-quick. I was enchanted,

and said:

“Now, doctor, that is something LIKE! Chickens are the ticket,

there is no doubt about it. What is the next squad?”

“The Imperfect.”

“How does it go?”

“IO AVENA, I had, TU AVEVI, thou hadst, EGLI AVENA, he had,


Wait–we’ve just HAD the hads. what are you giving me?”

“But this is another breed.”

“What do we want of another breed? Isn’t one breed enough?

HAD is HAD, and your tricking it out in a fresh way of spelling

isn’t going to make it any hadder than it was before; now you know

that yourself.”

“But there is a distinction–they are not just the same Hads.”

“How do you make it out?”

“Well, you use that first Had when you are referring to something

that happened at a named and sharp and perfectly definite moment;

you use the other when the thing happened at a vaguely defined time

and in a more prolonged and indefinitely continuous way.”

‘Why, doctor, it is pure nonsense; you know it yourself. Look here:

If I have had a had, or have wanted to have had a had, or was in a

position right then and there to have had a had that hadn’t had any chance

to go out hadding on account of this foolish discrimination which lets

one Had go hadding in any kind of indefinite grammatical weather but

restricts the other one to definite and datable meteoric convulsions,

and keeps it pining around and watching the barometer all the time,

and liable to get sick through confinement and lack of exercise,

and all that sort of thing, why–why, the inhumanity of it is enough,

let alone the wanton superfluity and uselessness of any such a loafing

consumptive hospital-bird of a Had taking up room and cumbering

the place for nothing. These finical refinements revolt me;

it is not right, it is not honorable; it is constructive nepotism

to keep in office a Had that is so delicate it can’t come out when

the wind’s in the nor’west–I won’t have this dude on the payroll.

Cancel his exequator; and look here–”

“But you miss the point. It is like this. You see–”

“Never mind explaining, I don’t care anything about it. Six Hads

is enough for me; anybody that needs twelve, let him subscribe;

I don’t want any stock in a Had Trust. Knock out the Prolonged

and Indefinitely Continuous; four-fifths of it is water, anyway.”

“But I beg you, podere! It is often quite indispensable in cases where–”

“Pipe the next squad to the assault!”

But it was not to be; for at that moment the dull boom of the noon gun

floated up out of far-off Florence, followed by the usual softened

jangle of church-bells, Florentine and suburban, that bursts out in

murmurous response; by labor-union law the COLAZIONE [1] must stop;

stop promptly, stop instantly, stop definitely, like the chosen

and best of the breed of Hads.

– – –

1. Colazione is Italian for a collection, a meeting, a seance,

a sitting.–M.T.



Two or three persons having at different times intimated that if I

would write an autobiography they would read it when they got leisure,

I yield at last to this frenzied public demand and herewith tender

my history.

Ours is a noble house, and stretches a long way back into antiquity.

The earliest ancestor the Twains have any record of was a friend of

the family by the name of Higgins. This was in the eleventh century,

when our people were living in Aberdeen, county of Cork, England.

Why it is that our long line has ever since borne the maternal

name (except when one of them now and then took a playful

refuge in an alias to avert foolishness), instead of Higgins,

is a mystery which none of us has ever felt much desire to stir.

It is a kind of vague, pretty romance, and we leave it alone.

All the old families do that way.

Arthour Twain was a man of considerable note–a solicitor on the

highway in William Rufus’s time. At about the age of thirty he went

to one of those fine old English places of resort called Newgate,

to see about something, and never returned again. While there he

died suddenly.

Augustus Twain seems to have made something of a stir about the

year 1160. He was as full of fun as he could be, and used to take his old

saber and sharpen it up, and get in a convenient place on a dark night,

and stick it through people as they went by, to see them jump.

He was a born humorist. But he got to going too far with it;

and the first time he was found stripping one of these parties,

the authorities removed one end of him, and put it up on a nice high

place on Temple Bar, where it could contemplate the people and have

a good time. He never liked any situation so much or stuck to it so long.

Then for the next two hundred years the family tree shows

a succession of soldiers–noble, high-spirited fellows,

who always went into battle singing, right behind the army,

and always went out a-whooping, right ahead of it.

This is a scathing rebuke to old dead Froissart’s poor witticism

that our family tree never had but one limb to it, and that that

one stuck out at right angles, and bore fruit winter and summer.

Early in the fifteenth century we have Beau Twain, called “the Scholar.”

He wrote a beautiful, beautiful hand. And he could imitate anybody’s

hand so closely that it was enough to make a person laugh his head

off to see it. He had infinite sport with his talent. But by and

by he took a contract to break stone for a road, and the roughness

of the work spoiled his hand. Still, he enjoyed life all the time

he was in the stone business, which, with inconsiderable intervals,

was some forty-two years. In fact, he died in harness. During all

those long years he gave such satisfaction that he never was through

with one contract a week till the government gave him another. He was

a perfect pet. And he was always a favorite with his fellow-artists,

and was a conspicuous member of their benevolent secret society,

called the Chain Gang. He always wore his hair short, had a

preference for striped clothes, and died lamented by the government.

He was a sore loss to his country. For he was so regular.

Some years later we have the illustrious John Morgan Twain.

He came over to this country with Columbus in 1492 as a passenger.

He appears to have been of a crusty, uncomfortable disposition.

He complained of the food all the way over, and was always threatening

to go ashore unless there was a change. He wanted fresh shad.

Hardly a day passed over his head that he did not go idling about

the ship with his nose in the air, sneering about the commander,

and saying he did not believe Columbus knew where he was going

to or had ever been there before. The memorable cry of “Land ho!”

thrilled every heart in the ship but his. He gazed awhile through a

piece of smoked glass at the penciled line lying on the distant water,

and then said: “Land be hanged–it’s a raft!”

When this questionable passenger came on board the ship, be brought

nothing with him but an old newspaper containing a handkerchief

marked “B. G.,” one cotton sock marked “L. W. C.,” one woolen one

marked “D. F.,” and a night-shirt marked “O. M. R.” And yet during

the voyage he worried more about his “trunk,” and gave himself more

airs about it, than all the rest of the passengers put together.

If the ship was “down by the head,” and would not steer, he would

go and move his “trunk” further aft, and then watch the effect.

If the ship was “by the stern,” he would suggest to Columbus to detail

some men to “shift that baggage.” In storms he had to be gagged,

because his wailings about his “trunk” made it impossible for the

men to hear the orders. The man does not appear to have been

openly charged with any gravely unbecoming thing, but it is noted

in the ship’s log as a “curious circumstance” that albeit he brought

his baggage on board the ship in a newspaper, he took it ashore in

four trunks, a queensware crate, and a couple of champagne baskets.

But when he came back insinuating, in an insolent, swaggering way,

that some of this things were missing, and was going to search

the other passengers’ baggage, it was too much, and they threw

him overboard. They watched long and wonderingly for him to

come up, but not even a bubble rose on the quietly ebbing tide.

But while every one was most absorbed in gazing over the side,

and the interest was momentarily increasing, it was observed with

consternation that the vessel was adrift and the anchor-cable hanging

limp from the bow. Then in the ship’s dimmed and ancient log we

find this quaint note:

“In time it was discouvered yt ye troblesome passenger hadde gone

downe and got ye anchor, and toke ye same and solde it to ye dam

sauvages from ye interior, saying yt he hadde founde it, ye sonne

of a ghun!”

Yet this ancestor had good and noble instincts, and it is with

pride that we call to mind the fact that he was the first white

person who ever interested himself in the work of elevating

and civilizing our Indians. He built a commodious jail and put

up a gallows, and to his dying day he claimed with satisfaction

that he had had a more restraining and elevating influence on

the Indians than any other reformer that ever labored among them.

At this point the chronicle becomes less frank and chatty,

and closes abruptly by saying that the old voyager went to see

his gallows perform on the first white man ever hanged in America,

and while there received injuries which terminated in his death.

The great-grandson of the “Reformer” flourished in sixteen hundred

and something, and was known in our annals as “the old Admiral,”

though in history he had other titles. He was long in command of

fleets of swift vessels, well armed and manned, and did great service

in hurrying up merchantmen. Vessels which he followed and kept

his eagle eye on, always made good fair time across the ocean.

But if a ship still loitered in spite of all he could do,

his indignation would grow till he could contain himself no longer–

and then he would take that ship home where he lived and keep it

there carefully, expecting the owners to come for it, but they never did.

And he would try to get the idleness and sloth out of the sailors

of that ship by compelling them to take invigorating exercise and

a bath. He called it “walking a plank.” All the pupils liked it.

At any rate, they never found any fault with it after trying it.

When the owners were late coming for their ships, the Admiral always

burned them, so that the insurance money should not be lost.

At last this fine old tar was cut down in the fullness of his years

and honors. And to her dying day, his poor heart-broken widow believed

that if he had been cut down fifteen minutes sooner he might have

been resuscitated.

Charles Henry Twain lived during the latter part of the seventeenth

century, and was a zealous and distinguished missionary.

He converted sixteen thousand South Sea islanders, and taught them

that a dog-tooth necklace and a pair of spectacles was not enough

clothing to come to divine service in. His poor flock loved

him very, very dearly; and when his funeral was over, they got up

in a body (and came out of the restaurant) with tears in their eyes,

and saying, one to another, that he was a good tender missionary,

and they wished they had some more of him.

Pah-go-to-wah-wah-pukketekeewis (Mighty-Hunter-with-a-Hog-Eye-Twain)

adorned the middle of the eighteenth century, and aided General

Braddock with all his heart to resist the oppressor Washington.

It was this ancestor who fired seventeen times at our Washington

from behind a tree. So far the beautiful romantic narrative

in the moral story-books is correct; but when that narrative goes

on to say that at the seventeenth round the awe-stricken savage

said solemnly that that man was being reserved by the Great Spirit

for some mighty mission, and he dared not lift his sacrilegious rifle

against him again, the narrative seriously impairs the integrity

of history. What he did say was:

“It ain’t no (hic) no use. ‘At man’s so drunk he can’t stan’

still long enough for a man to hit him. I (hic) I can’t ‘ford

to fool away any more am’nition on him.”

That was why he stopped at the seventeenth round, and it was a good,

plain, matter-of-fact reason, too, and one that easily commends itself

to us by the eloquent, persuasive flavor of probability there is about it.

I also enjoyed the story-book narrative, but I felt a marring misgiving

that every Indian at Braddock’s Defeat who fired at a soldier

a couple of times (two easily grows to seventeen in a century),

and missed him, jumped to the conclusion that the Great Spirit

was reserving that soldier for some grand mission; and so I somehow

feared that the only reason why Washington’s case is remembered

and the others forgotten is, that in his the prophecy came true,

and in that of the others it didn’t. There are not books enough

on earth to contain the record of the prophecies Indians and other

unauthorized parties have made; but one may carry in his overcoat

pockets the record of all the prophecies that have been fulfilled.

I will remark here, in passing, that certain ancestors of mine are

so thoroughly well-known in history by their aliases, that I have

not felt it to be worth while to dwell upon them, or even mention

them in the order of their birth. Among these may be mentioned

Richard Brinsley Twain, alias Guy Fawkes; John Wentworth Twain,

alias Sixteen-String Jack; William Hogarth Twain, alias Jack Sheppard;

Ananias Twain, alias Baron Munchausen; John George Twain,

alias Captain Kydd; and then there are George Francis Twain,

Tom Pepper, Nebuchadnezzar, and Baalam’s Ass–they all belong

to our family, but to a branch of it somewhat distinctly removed

from the honorable direct line–in fact, a collateral branch,

whose members chiefly differ from the ancient stock in that, in order

to acquire the notoriety we have always yearned and hungered for,

they have got into a low way of going to jail instead of getting hanged.

It is not well, when writing an autobiography, to follow your ancestry

down too close to your own time–it is safest to speak only vaguely

of your great-grandfather, and then skip from there to yourself,

which I now do.

I was born without teeth–and there Richard III. had the advantage

of me; but I was born without a humpback, likewise, and there I

had the advantage of him. My parents were neither very poor nor

conspicuously honest.

But now a thought occurs to me. My own history would really seem

so tame contrasted with that of my ancestors, that it is simply wisdom

to leave it unwritten until I am hanged. If some other biographies I

have read had stopped with the ancestry until a like event occurred,

it would have been a felicitous thing for the reading public.

How does it strike you?



The Humorous Story an American Development.–Its Difference

from Comic and Witty Stories

I do not claim that I can tell a story as it ought to be told.

I only claim to know how a story ought to be told, for I have been

almost daily in the company of the most expert story-tellers for

many years.

There are several kinds of stories, but only one difficult kind–

the humorous. I will talk mainly about that one. The humorous story

is American, the comic story is English, the witty story is French.

The humorous story depends for its effect upon the MANNER of the telling;

the comic story and the witty story upon the MATTER.

The humorous story may be spun out to great length, and may wander

around as much as it pleases, and arrive nowhere in particular;

but the comic and witty stories must be brief and end with a point.

The humorous story bubbles gently along, the others burst.

The humorous story is strictly a work of art–high and delicate art–

and only an artist can tell it; but no art is necessary in telling

the comic and the witty story; anybody can do it. The art of telling

a humorous story–understand, I mean by word of mouth, not print–

was created in America, and has remained at home.

The humorous story is told gravely; the teller does his best

to conceal the fact that he even dimly suspects that there is

anything funny about it; but the teller of the comic story tells you

beforehand that it is one of the funniest things he has ever heard,

then tells it with eager delight, and is the first person to laugh

when he gets through. And sometimes, if he has had good success,

he is so glad and happy that he will repeat the “nub” of it

and glance around from face to face, collecting applause,

and then repeat it again. It is a pathetic thing to see.

Very often, of course, the rambling and disjointed humorous story

finishes with a nub, point, snapper, or whatever you like to call it.

Then the listener must be alert, for in many cases the teller will

divert attention from that nub by dropping it in a carefully casual

and indifferent way, with the pretense that he does not know it

is a nub.

Artemus Ward used that trick a good deal; then when the belated audience

presently caught the joke he would look up with innocent surprise,

as if wondering what they had found to laugh at. Dan Setchell

used it before him, Nye and Riley and others use it today.

But the teller of the comic story does not slur the nub;

he shouts it at you–every time. And when he prints it,

in England, France, Germany, and Italy, he italicizes it,

puts some whopping exclamation-points after it, and sometimes

explains it in a parenthesis. All of which is very depressing,

and makes one want to renounce joking and lead a better life.

Let me set down an instance of the comic method, using an anecdote

which has been popular all over the world for twelve or fifteen

hundred years. The teller tells it in this way:


In the course of a certain battle a soldier whose leg had been shot off

appealed to another soldier who was hurrying by to carry him to the rear,

informing him at the same time of the loss which he had sustained;

whereupon the generous son of Mars, shouldering the unfortunate,

proceeded to carry out his desire. The bullets and cannon-balls

were flying in all directions, and presently one of the latter

took the wounded man’s head off–without, however, his deliverer

being aware of it. In no long time he was hailed by an officer,

who said:

“Where are you going with that carcass?”

“To the rear, sir–he’s lost his leg!”

“His leg, forsooth?” responded the astonished officer; “you mean

his head, you booby.”

Whereupon the soldier dispossessed himself of his burden, and stood

looking down upon it in great perplexity. At length he said:

“It is true, sir, just as you have said.” Then after a pause he added,


Here the narrator bursts into explosion after

explosion of thunderous horse-laughter, repeating that

nub from time to time through his gasping and shriekings and suffocatings.

It takes only a minute and a half to tell that in its comic-story form;

and isn’t worth the telling, after all. Put into the humorous-story

form it takes ten minutes, and is about the funniest thing I have

ever listened to–as James Whitcomb Riley tells it.

He tells it in the character of a dull-witted old farmer who has

just heard it for the first time, thinks it is unspeakably funny,

and is trying to repeat it to a neighbor. But he can’t remember it;

so he gets all mixed up and wanders helplessly round and round,

putting in tedious details that don’t belong in the tale and only

retard it; taking them out conscientiously and putting in others

that are just as useless; making minor mistakes now and then

and stopping to correct them and explain how he came to make them;

remembering things which he forgot to put in in their proper place

and going back to put them in there; stopping his narrative a good

while in order to try to recall the name of the soldier that was hurt,

and finally remembering that the soldier’s name was not mentioned,

and remarking placidly that the name is of no real importance, anyway–

better, of course, if one knew it, but not essential, after all–

and so on, and so on, and so on.

The teller is innocent and happy and pleased with himself,

and has to stop every little while to hold himself in and keep

from laughing outright; and does hold in, but his body quakes

in a jelly-like way with interior chuckles; and at the end of the

ten minutes the audience have laughed until they are exhausted,

and the tears are running down their faces.

The simplicity and innocence and sincerity and unconsciousness

of the old farmer are perfectly simulated, and the result

is a performance which is thoroughly charming and delicious.

This is art–and fine and beautiful, and only a master can compass it;

but a machine could tell the other story.

To string incongruities and absurdities together in a wandering

and sometimes purposeless way, and seem innocently unaware that they

are absurdities, is the basis of the American art, if my position

is correct. Another feature is the slurring of the point. A third

is the dropping of a studied remark apparently without knowing it,

as if one where thinking aloud. The fourth and last is the pause.

Artemus Ward dealt in numbers three and four a good deal. He would

begin to tell with great animation something which he seemed to

think was wonderful; then lose confidence, and after an apparently

absent-minded pause add an incongruous remark in a soliloquizing way;

and that was the remark intended to explode the mine–and it did.

For instance, he would say eagerly, excitedly, “I once knew a man

in New Zealand who hadn’t a tooth in his head”–here his animation

would die out; a silent, reflective pause would follow, then he

would say dreamily, and as if to himself, “and yet that man could

beat a drum better than any man I ever saw.”

The pause is an exceedingly important feature in any kind of story,

and a frequently recurring feature, too. It is a dainty thing,

and delicate, and also uncertain and treacherous; for it must

be exactly the right length–no more and no less–or it fails

of its purpose and makes trouble. If the pause is too short the

impressive point is passed, and the audience have had time to divine

that a surprise is intended–and then you can’t surprise them,

of course.

On the platform I used to tell a negro ghost story that had a pause

in front of the snapper on the end, and that pause was the most important

thing in the whole story. If I got it the right length precisely,

I could spring the finishing ejaculation with effect enough to make

some impressible girl deliver a startled little yelp and jump out

of her seat–and that was what I was after. This story was called

“The Golden Arm,” and was told in this fashion. You can practice

with it yourself–and mind you look out for the pause and get it right.


Once ‘pon a time dey wuz a momsus mean man, en he live ‘way out in de

prairie all ‘lone by hisself, ‘cep’n he had a wife. En bimeby she died,

en he tuck en toted her way out dah in de prairie en buried her.

Well, she had a golden arm–all solid gold, fum de shoulder down.

He wuz pow’ful mean–pow’ful; en dat night he couldn’t sleep,

caze he want dat golden arm so bad.

When it come midnight he couldn’t stan’ it no mo’; so he git up,

he did, en tuck his lantern en shoved out thoo de storm en dug her

up en got de golden arm; en he bent his head down ‘gin de ‘win, en

plowed en plowed en plowed thoo de snow. Den all on a sudden he

stop (make a considerable pause here, and look startled, and take

a listening attitude) en say: “My LAN’, what’s dat?”

En he listen–en listen–en de win’ say (set your teeth together

and imitate the wailing and wheezing singsong of the wind),

“Bzzz-z-zzz”–en den, way back yonder whah de grave is, he hear

a VOICE!–he hear a voice all mix’ up in de win’–can’t hardly

tell ’em ‘part–“Bzzz–zzz–W-h-o–g-o-t–m-y–g-o-l-d-e-n ARM?”

(You must begin to shiver violently now.)

En he begin to shiver en shake, en say, “Oh, my! OH, my lan’!” en de win’

blow de lantern out, en de snow en sleet blow in his face en mos’

choke him, en he start a-plowin’ knee-deep toward home mos’ dead,

he so sk’yerd–en pooty soon he hear de voice agin, en (pause) it ‘us

comin AFTER him! “Bzzz–zzz–zzz W-h-o–g-o-t–m-y–g-o-l-d-e-n–ARM?”

When he git to de pasture he hear it agin–closter now,

en A-COMIN’!–a-comin’ back dah in de dark en de storm–(repeat

the wind and the voice). When he git to de house he rush upstairs

en jump in de bed en kiver up, head and years, en lay da shiverin’

en shakin’–en den way out dah he hear it AGIN!–en a-COMIN’! En

bimeby he hear (pause–awed, listening attitude)–pat–pat–pat HIT’S

A-COMIN’ UPSTAIRS! Den he hear de latch, en he KNOW it’s in de room!

Den pooty soon he know it’s a-STANNIN’ BY DE BED! (Pause.) Den–

he know it’s a-BENDIN’ DOWN OVER HIM–en he cain’t skasely git

his breath! Den–den–he seem to feel someth’n’ C-O-L-D, right down

‘most agin his head! (Pause.)

Den de voice say, RIGHT AT HIS YEAR–“W-h-o–g-o-t–m-y g-o-l-d-e-n ARM?”

(You must wail it out very plaintively and accusingly; then you stare

steadily and impressively into the face of the farthest-gone auditor–

a girl, preferably–and let that awe-inspiring pause begin to build

itself in the deep hush. When it has reached exactly the right length,

jump suddenly at that girl and yell, “YOU’VE got it!”

If you’ve got the PAUSE right, she’ll fetch a dear little yelp and

spring right out of her shoes. But you MUST get the pause right;

and you will find it the most troublesome and aggravating and

uncertain thing you ever undertook.



A Biographical Sketch

The stirring part of this celebrated colored man’s life properly began

with his death–that is to say, the notable features of his biography

began with the first time he died. He had been little heard of up

to that time, but since then we have never ceased to hear of him;

we have never ceased to hear of him at stated, unfailing intervals.

His was a most remarkable career, and I have thought that its history

would make a valuable addition to our biographical literature.

Therefore, I have carefully collated the materials for such a work,

from authentic sources, and here present them to the public. I have

rigidly excluded from these pages everything of a doubtful character,

with the object in view of introducing my work into the schools

for the instruction of the youth of my country.

The name of the famous body-servant of General Washington was George.

After serving his illustrious master faithfully for half a century,

and enjoying throughout his long term his high regard and confidence,

it became his sorrowful duty at last to lay that beloved master

to rest in his peaceful grave by the Potomac. Ten years afterward–

in 1809–full of years and honors, he died himself, mourned by all

who knew him. The Boston GAZETTE of that date thus refers to

the event:

George, the favorite body-servant of the lamented Washington,

died in Richmond, Va., last Tuesday, at the ripe age of 95 years.

His intellect was unimpaired, and his memory tenacious, up to

within a few minutes of his decease. He was present at the second

installation of Washington as President, and also at his funeral,

and distinctly remembered all the prominent incidents connected with

those noted events.

From this period we hear no more of the favorite body-servant of

General Washington until May, 1825, at which time he died again.

A Philadelphia paper thus speaks of the sad occurrence:

At Macon, Ga., last week, a colored man named George, who was the

favorite body-servant of General Washington, died at the advanced

age of 95 years. Up to within a few hours of his dissolution he

was in full possession of all his faculties, and could distinctly

recollect the second installation of Washington, his death

and burial, the surrender of Cornwallis, the battle of Trenton,

the griefs and hardships of Valley Forge, etc. Deceased was

followed to the grave by the entire population of Macon.

On the Fourth of July, 1830, and also of 1834 and 1836, the subject

of this sketch was exhibited in great state upon the rostrum

of the orator of the day, and in November of 1840 he died again.

The St. Louis REPUBLICAN of the 25th of that month spoke as follows:


“George, once the favorite body-servant of General Washington,

died yesterday at the house of Mr. John Leavenworth in this city,

at the venerable age of 95 years. He was in the full possession

of his faculties up to the hour of his death, and distinctly

recollected the first and second installations and death of

President Washington, the surrender of Cornwallis, the battles

of Trenton and Monmouth, the sufferings of the patriot army at

Valley Forge, the proclamation of the Declaration of Independence,

the speech of Patrick Henry in the Virginia House of Delegates,

and many other old-time reminiscences of stirring interest.

Few white men die lamented as was this aged negro. The funeral

was very largely attended.”

During the next ten or eleven years the subject of this sketch

appeared at intervals at Fourth-of-July celebrations in various

parts of the country, and was exhibited upon the rostrum with

flattering success. But in the fall of 1855 he died again.

The California papers thus speak of the event:


Died, at Dutch Flat, on the 7th of March, George (once the confidential

body-servant of General Washington), at the great age of 95 years.

His memory, which did not fail him till the last, was a wonderful

storehouse of interesting reminiscences. He could distinctly recollect

the first and second installations and death of President Washington,

the surrender of Cornwallis, the battles of Trenton and Monmouth,

and Bunker Hill, the proclamation of the Declaration of Independence,

and Braddock’s defeat. George was greatly respected in Dutch Flat,

and it is estimated that there were 10,000 people present at

his funeral.

The last time the subject of this sketch died was in June, 1864; and until

we learn the contrary, it is just to presume that he died permanently

this time. The Michigan papers thus refer to the sorrowful event:


George, a colored man, and once the favorite body-servant of

George Washington, died in Detroit last week, at the patriarchal age

of 95 years. To the moment of his death his intellect was unclouded,

and he could distinctly remember the first and second installations

and death of Washington, the surrender of Cornwallis, the battles

of Trenton and Monmouth, and Bunker Hill, the proclamation of the

Declaration of Independence, Braddock’s defeat, the throwing over

of the tea in Boston harbor, and the landing of the Pilgrims.

He died greatly respected, and was followed to the grave by a vast

concourse of people.

The faithful old servant is gone! We shall never see him more until

he turns up again. He has closed his long and splendid career

of dissolution, for the present, and sleeps peacefully, as only they sleep

who have earned their rest. He was in all respects a remarkable man.

He held his age better than any celebrity that has figured in history;

and the longer he lived the stronger and longer his memory grew.

If he lives to die again, he will distinctly recollect the discovery

of America.

The above r’esum’e of his biography I believe to be substantially

correct, although it is possible that he may have died once or twice

in obscure places where the event failed of newspaper notoriety.

One fault I find in all the notices of his death I have quoted,

and this ought to be correct. In them he uniformly and impartially

died at the age of 95. This could not have been. He might have

done that once, or maybe twice, but he could not have continued

it indefinitely. Allowing that when he first died, he died at

the age of 95, he was 151 years old when he died last, in 1864.

But his age did not keep pace with his recollections. When he died

the last time, he distinctly remembered the landing of the Pilgrims,

which took place in 1620. He must have been about twenty years

old when he witnessed that event, wherefore it is safe to assert

that the body-servant of General Washington was in the neighborhood

of two hundred and sixty or seventy years old when he departed this

life finally.

Having waited a proper length of time, to see if the subject of his

sketch had gone from us reliably and irrevocably, I now publish his

biography with confidence, and respectfully offer it to a mourning nation.

P.S.–I see by the papers that this imfamous old fraud has just

died again, in Arkansas. This makes six times that he is known

to have died, and always in a new place. The death of Washington’s

body-servant has ceased to be a novelty; it’s charm is gone;

the people are tired of it; let it cease. This well-meaning

but misguided negro has not put six different communities to the

expense of burying him in state, and has swindled tens of thousands

of people into following him to the grave under the delusion that

a select and peculiar distinction was being conferred upon them.

Let him stay buried for good now; and let that newspaper suffer

the severest censure that shall ever, in all the future time,

publish to the world that General Washington’s favorite colored

body-servant has died again.



All infants appear to have an impertinent and disagreeable fashion

nowadays of saying “smart” things on most occasions that offer,

and especially on occasions when they ought not to be saying anything

at all. Judging by the average published specimens of smart sayings,

the rising generation of children are little better than idiots.

And the parents must surely be but little better than the children,

for in most cases they are the publishers of the sunbursts of infantile

imbecility which dazzle us from the pages of our periodicals.

I may seem to speak with some heat, not to say a suspicion of

personal spite; and I do admit that it nettles me to hear about so

many gifted infants in these days, and remember that I seldom said

anything smart when I was a child. I tried it once or twice, but it

was not popular. The family were not expecting brilliant remarks

from me, and so they snubbed me sometimes and spanked me the rest.

But it makes my flesh creep and my blood run cold to think what might

have happened to me if I had dared to utter some of the smart things

of this generation’s “four-year-olds” where my father could hear me.

To have simply skinned me alive and considered his duty at an end

would have seemed to him criminal leniency toward one so sinning.

He was a stern, unsmiling man, and hated all forms of precocity.

If I had said some of the things I have referred to, and said them in

his hearing, he would have destroyed me. He would, indeed. He would,

provided the opportunity remained with him. But it would not,

for I would have had judgment enough to take some strychnine first

and say my smart thing afterward. The fair record of my life has

been tarnished by just one pun. My father overheard that, and he

hunted me over four or five townships seeking to take my life.

If I had been full-grown, of course he would have been right;

but, child as I was, I could not know how wicked a thing I

had done.

I made one of those remarks ordinarily called “smart things”

before that, but it was not a pun. Still, it came near causing a

serious rupture between my father and myself. My father and mother,

my uncle Ephraim and his wife, and one or two others were present,

and the conversation turned on a name for me. I was lying there

trying some India-rubber rings of various patterns, and endeavoring

to make a selection, for I was tired of trying to cut my teeth on

people’s fingers, and wanted to get hold of something that would

enable me to hurry the thing through and get something else.

Did you ever notice what a nuisance it was cutting your teeth on

your nurse’s finger, or how back-breaking and tiresome it was trying

to cut them on your big toe? And did you never get out of patience

and wish your teeth were in Jerico long before you got them half cut?

To me it seems as if these things happened yesterday. And they did,

to some children. But I digress. I was lying there trying the

India-rubber rings. I remember looking at the clock and noticing

that in an hour and twenty-five minutes I would be two weeks old,

and thinking how little I had done to merit the blessings that were so

unsparingly lavished upon me. My father said:

“Abraham is a good name. My grandfather was named Abraham.”

My mother said:

“Abraham is a good name. Very well. Let us have Abraham for one

of his names.”

I said:

“Abraham suits the subscriber.”

My father frowned, my mother looked pleased; my aunt said:

“What a little darling it is!”

My father said:

“Isaac is a good name, and Jacob is a good name.”

My mother assented, and said:

“No names are better. Let us add Isaac and Jacob to his names.”

I said:

“All right. Isaac and Jacob are good enough for yours truly.

Pass me that rattle, if you please. I can’t chew India-rubber rings

all day.”

Not a soul made a memorandum of these sayings of mine, for publication.

I saw that, and did it myself, else they would have been utterly lost.

So far from meeting with a generous encouragement like other children

when developing intellectually, I was now furiously scowled upon

by my father; my mother looked grieved and anxious, and even my aunt

had about her an expression of seeming to think that maybe I had

gone too far. I took a vicious bite out of an India-rubber ring,

and covertly broke the rattle over the kitten’s head, but said nothing.

Presently my father said:

“Samuel is a very excellent name.”

I saw that trouble was coming. Nothing could prevent it. I laid

down my rattle; over the side of the cradle I dropped my uncle’s

silver watch, the clothes-brush, the toy dog, my tin soldier,

the nutmeg-grater, and other matters which I was accustomed to examine,

and meditate upon and make pleasant noises with, and bang and batter

and break when I needed wholesome entertainment. Then I put on my

little frock and my little bonnet, and took my pygmy shoes in one

hand and my licorice in the other, and climbed out on the floor.

I said to myself, Now, if the worse comes to worst, I am ready.

Then I said aloud, in a firm voice:

“Father, I cannot, cannot wear the name of Samuel.”

“My son!”

“Father, I mean it. I cannot.”


“Father, I have an invincible antipathy to that name.”

“My son, this is unreasonable. Many great and good men have been

named Samuel.”

“Sir, I have yet to hear of the first instance.”

“What! There was Samuel the prophet. Was not he great and good?”

“Not so very.”

“My son! With His own voice the Lord called him.”

“Yes, sir, and had to call him a couple times before he could come!”

And then I sallied forth, and that stern old man sallied forth after me.

He overtook me at noon the following day, and when the interview was

over I had acquired the name of Samuel, and a thrashing, and other

useful information; and by means of this compromise my father’s

wrath was appeased and a misunderstanding bridged over which might

have become a permanent rupture if I had chosen to be unreasonable.

But just judging by this episode, what would my father have done

to me if I had ever uttered in his hearing one of the flat,

sickly things these “two-years-olds” say in print nowadays?

In my opinion there would have been a case of infanticide in our family.



I take the following paragraph from an article in the Boston ADVERTISER:


Perhaps the most successful flights of humor of Mark Twain have been

descriptions of the persons who did not appreciate his humor at all.

We have become familiar with the Californians who were thrilled with

terror by his burlesque of a newspaper reporter’s way of telling a story,

and we have heard of the Pennsylvania clergyman who sadly returned

his INNOCENTS ABROAD to the book-agent with the remark that “the

man who could shed tears over the tomb of Adam must be an idiot.”

But Mark Twain may now add a much more glorious instance to his string

of trophies. The SATURDAY REVIEW, in its number of October 8th,

reviews his book of travels, which has been republished in England,

and reviews it seriously. We can imagine the delight of the humorist

in reading this tribute to his power; and indeed it is so amusing

in itself that he can hardly do better than reproduce the article

in full in his next monthly Memoranda.

(Publishing the above paragraph thus, gives me a sort of authority

for reproducing the SATURDAY REVIEW’S article in full in these pages.

I dearly wanted to do it, for I cannot write anything half so

delicious myself. If I had a cast-iron dog that could read this

English criticism and preserve his austerity, I would drive him

off the door-step.)

(From the London “Saturday Review.”)


THE INNOCENTS ABROAD. A Book of Travels. By Mark Twain.

London: Hotten, publisher. 1870.

Lord Macaulay died too soon. We never felt this so deeply as when we

finished the last chapter of the above-named extravagant work.

Macaulay died too soon–for none but he could mete out complete

and comprehensive justice to the insolence, the impertinence,

the presumption, the mendacity, and, above all, the majestic ignorance

of this author.

To say that the INNOCENTS ABROAD is a curious book, would be to

use the faintest language–would be to speak of the Matterhorn

as a neat elevation or of Niagara as being “nice” or “pretty.”

“Curious” is too tame a word wherewith to describe the imposing insanity

of this work. There is no word that is large enough or long enough.

Let us, therefore, photograph a passing glimpse of book and author,

and trust the rest to the reader. Let the cultivated English student

of human nature picture to himself this Mark Twain as a person capable

of doing the following-described things–and not only doing them,

but with incredible innocence PRINTING THEM calmly and tranquilly

in a book. For instance:

He states that he entered a hair-dresser’s in Paris to get shaved,

and the first “rake” the barber gave him with his razor it LOOSENED


This is unquestionably exaggerated. In Florence he was so annoyed

by beggars that he pretends to have seized and eaten one in a

frantic spirit of revenge. There is, of course, no truth in this.

He gives at full length a theatrical program seventeen or eighteen

hundred years old, which he professes to have found in the ruins

of the Coliseum, among the dirt and mold and rubbish. It is a

sufficient comment upon this statement to remark that even a cast-iron

program would not have lasted so long under such circumstances.

In Greece he plainly betrays both fright and flight upon one occasion,

but with frozen effrontery puts the latter in this falsely tamed form:

“We SIDLED toward the Piraeus.” “Sidled,” indeed! He does not hesitate

to intimate that at Ephesus, when his mule strayed from the proper course,

he got down, took him under his arm, carried him to the road again,

pointed him right, remounted, and went to sleep contentedly till

it was time to restore the beast to the path once more. He states

that a growing youth among his ship’s passengers was in the constant

habit of appeasing his hunger with soap and oakum between meals.

In Palestine he tells of ants that came eleven miles to spend

the summer in the desert and brought their provisions with them;

yet he shows by his description of the country that the feat was

an impossibility. He mentions, as if it were the most commonplace

of matters, that he cut a Moslem in two in broad daylight in Jerusalem,

with Godfrey de Bouillon’s sword, and would have shed more blood IF

HE HAD HAD A GRAVEYARD OF HIS OWN. These statements are unworthy

a moment’s attention. Mr. Twain or any other foreigner who did

such a thing in Jerusalem would be mobbed, and would infallibly

lose his life. But why go on? Why repeat more of his audacious

and exasperating falsehoods? Let us close fittingly with this one:

he affirms that “in the mosque of St. Sophia at Constantinople

I got my feet so stuck up with a complication of gums, slime,

and general impurity, that I wore out more than two thousand

pair of bootjacks getting my boots off that night, and even then

some Christian hide peeled off with them.” It is monstrous.

Such statements are simply lies–there is no other name for them.

Will the reader longer marvel at the brutal ignorance that pervades

the American nation when we tell him that we are informed upon perfectly

good authority that this extravagant compilation of falsehoods,

this exhaustless mine of stupendous lies, this INNOCENTS ABROAD,

has actually been adopted by the schools and colleges of several

of the states as a text-book!

But if his falsehoods are distressing, his innocence and his ignorance

are enough to make one burn the book and despise the author. In one

place he was so appalled at the sudden spectacle of a murdered man,

unveiled by the moonlight, that he jumped out of the window,

going through sash and all, and then remarks with the most childlike

simplicity that he “was not scared, but was considerably agitated.”

It puts us out of patience to note that the simpleton is densely

unconscious that Lucrezia Borgia ever existed off the stage.

He is vulgarly ignorant of all foreign languages, but is frank enough

to criticize, the Italians’ use of their own tongue. He says they

spell the name of their great painter “Vinci, but pronounce it Vinchy”–

and then adds with a na:ivet’e possible only to helpless ignorance,

“foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.” In another

place he commits the bald absurdity of putting the phrase “tare

an ouns” into an Italian’s mouth. In Rome he unhesitatingly

believes the legend that St. Philip Neri’s heart was so inflamed

with divine love that it burst his ribs–believes it wholly

because an author with a learned list of university degrees strung

after his name endorses it–“otherwise,” says this gentle idiot,

“I should have felt a curiosity to know what Philip had for dinner.”

Our author makes a long, fatiguing journey to the Grotto del Cane

on purpose to test its poisoning powers on a dog–got elaborately

ready for the experiment, and then discovered that he had no dog.

A wiser person would have kept such a thing discreetly to himself,

but with this harmless creature everything comes out. He hurts

his foot in a rut two thousand years old in exhumed Pompeii,

and presently, when staring at one of the cinder-like corpses unearthed

in the next square, conceives the idea that maybe it is the remains

of the ancient Street Commissioner, and straightway his horror softens

down to a sort of chirpy contentment with the condition of things.

In Damascus he visits the well of Ananias, three thousand years old,

and is as surprised and delighted as a child to find that the water

is “as pure and fresh as if the well had been dug yesterday.”

In the Holy Land he gags desperately at the hard Arabic and Hebrew

Biblical names, and finally concludes to call them Baldwinsville,

Williamsburgh, and so on, “for convenience of spelling.”

We have thus spoken freely of this man’s stupefying simplicity

and innocence, but we cannot deal similarly with his colossal ignorance.

We do not know where to begin. And if we knew where to begin,

we certainly would not know where to leave off. We will give

one specimen, and one only. He did not know, until he got to Rome,

that Michael Angelo was dead! And then, instead of crawling away

and hiding his shameful ignorance somewhere, he proceeds to express

a pious, grateful sort of satisfaction that he is gone and out

of his troubles!

No, the reader may seek out the author’s exhibition of his

uncultivation for himself. The book is absolutely dangerous,

considering the magnitude and variety of its misstatements,

and the convincing confidence with which they are made.

And yet it is a text-book in the schools of America.

The poor blunderer mouses among the sublime creations of the

Old Masters, trying to acquire the elegant proficiency in

art-knowledge, which he has a groping sort of comprehension is a

proper thing for a traveled man to be able to display. But what is

the manner of his study? And what is the progress he achieves?

To what extent does he familiarize himself with the great pictures

of Italy, and what degree of appreciation does he arrive at? Read:

“When we see a monk going about with a lion and looking up into heaven,

we know that that is St. Mark. When we see a monk with a book and a pen,

looking tranquilly up to heaven, trying to think of a word, we know

that that is St. Matthew. When we see a monk sitting on a rock,

looking tranquilly up to heaven, with a human skull beside him,

and without other baggage, we know that that is St. Jerome.

Because we know that he always went flying light in the matter

of baggage. When we see other monks looking tranquilly up to heaven,

but having no trade-mark, we always ask who those parties are.

We do this because we humbly wish to learn.”

He then enumerates the thousands and thousand of copies of these

several pictures which he has seen, and adds with accustomed

simplicity that he feels encouraged to believe that when he has seen

“Some More” of each, and had a larger experience, he will eventually

“begin to take an absorbing interest in them”–the vulgar boor.

That we have shown this to be a remarkable book, we think no one

will deny. That is a pernicious book to place in the hands of the

confiding and uniformed, we think we have also shown. That the book

is a deliberate and wicked creation of a diseased mind, is apparent

upon every page. Having placed our judgment thus upon record,

let us close with what charity we can, by remarking that even in this

volume there is some good to be found; for whenever the author talks

of his own country and lets Europe alone, he never fails to make

himself interesting, and not only interesting but instructive.

No one can read without benefit his occasional chapters and paragraphs,

about life in the gold and silver mines of California and Nevada;

about the Indians of the plains and deserts of the West,

and their cannibalism; about the raising of vegetables in kegs of

gunpowder by the aid of two or three teaspoons of guano; about the

moving of small arms from place to place at night in wheelbarrows

to avoid taxes; and about a sort of cows and mules in the Humboldt

mines, that climb down chimneys and disturb the people at night.

These matters are not only new, but are well worth knowing.

It is a pity the author did not put in more of the same kind.

His book is well written and is exceedingly entertaining, and so it

just barely escaped being quite valuable also.

(One month later)

Latterly I have received several letters, and see a number of

newspaper paragraphs, all upon a certain subject, and all of about

the same tenor. I here give honest specimens. One is from a New

York paper, one is from a letter from an old friend, and one is

from a letter from a New York publisher who is a stranger to me.

I humbly endeavor to make these bits toothsome with the remark that

the article they are praising (which appeared in the December GALAXY,

and PRETENDED to be a criticism from the London SATURDAY REVIEW


The HERALD says the richest thing out is the “serious critique”

in the London SATURDAY REVIEW, on Mark Twain’s INNOCENTS ABROAD.

We thought before we read it that it must be “serious,” as everybody

said so, and were even ready to shed a few tears; but since perusing it,

we are bound to confess that next to Mark Twain’s “Jumping Frog”

it’s the finest bit of humor and sarcasm that we’ve come across in many

a day.

(I do not get a compliment like that every day.)

I used to think that your writings were pretty good, but after reading

the criticism in THE GALAXY from the LONDON REVIEW, have discovered

what an ass I must have been. If suggestions are in order, mine is,

that you put that article in your next edition of the INNOCENTS,

as an extra chapter, if you are not afraid to put your own humor

in competition with it. It is as rich a thing as I ever read.

(Which is strong commendation from a book publisher.)

The London Reviewer, my friend, is not the stupid, “serious” creature

he pretends to be, _I_ think; but, on the contrary, has a keep

appreciation and enjoyment of your book. As I read his article in

THE GALAXY, I could imagine him giving vent to many a hearty laugh.

But he is writing for Catholics and Established Church people,

and high-toned, antiquated, conservative gentility, whom it is

a delight to him to help you shock, while he pretends to shake his

head with owlish density. He is a magnificent humorist himself.

(Now that is graceful and handsome. I take off my hat to my life-long

friend and comrade, and with my feet together and my fingers spread

over my heart, I say, in the language of Alabama, “You do me proud.”)

I stand guilty of the authorship of the article, but I did not mean

any harm. I saw by an item in the Boston ADVERTISER that a solemn,

serious critique on the English edition of my book had appeared

in the London SATURDAY REVIEW, and the idea of SUCH a literary

breakfast by a stolid, ponderous British ogre of the quill was too

much for a naturally weak virtue, and I went home and burlesqued it–

reveled in it, I may say. I never saw a copy of the real SATURDAY

REVIEW criticism until after my burlesque was written and mailed

to the printer. But when I did get hold of a copy, I found it

to be vulgar, awkwardly written, ill-natured, and entirely serious

and in earnest. The gentleman who wrote the newspaper paragraph

above quoted had not been misled as to its character.

If any man doubts my word now, I will kill him. No, I will not

kill him; I will win his money. I will bet him twenty to one,

and let any New York publisher hold the stakes, that the statements I

have above made as to the authorship of the article in question are

entirely true. Perhaps I may get wealthy at this, for I am willing

to take all the bets that offer; and if a man wants larger odds,

I will give him all he requires. But he ought to find out whether

I am betting on what is termed “a sure thing” or not before he

ventures his money, and he can do that by going to a public

library and examining the London SATURDAY REVIEW of October 8th,

which contains the real critique.

Bless me, some people thought that _I_ was the “sold” person!

P.S.–I cannot resist the temptation to toss in this most savory

thing of all–this easy, graceful, philosophical disquisition,

with his happy, chirping confidence. It is from the Cincinnati ENQUIRER:

Nothing is more uncertain than the value of a fine cigar.

Nine smokers out of ten would prefer an ordinary domestic article,

three for a quarter, to fifty-cent Partaga, if kept in ignorance

of the cost of the latter. The flavor of the Partaga is too delicate

for palates that have been accustomed to Connecticut seed leaf.

So it is with humor. The finer it is in quality, the more danger

of its not being recognized at all. Even Mark Twain has been taken

in by an English review of his INNOCENTS ABROAD. Mark Twain is by

no means a coarse humorist, but the Englishman’s humor is so much

finer than his, that he mistakes it for solid earnest, and “lafts

most consumedly.”

A man who cannot learn stands in his own light. Hereafter, when I

write an article which I know to be good, but which I may have reason

to fear will not, in some quarters, be considered to amount to much,

coming from an American, I will aver that an Englishman wrote it

and that it is copied from a London journal. And then I will occupy

a back seat and enjoy the cordial applause.

(Still later)

Mark Twain at last sees that the SATURDAY REVIEW’S criticism of his

INNOCENTS ABROAD was not serious, and he is intensely mortified at the

thought of having been so badly sold. He takes the only course left him,

and in the last GALAXY claims that HE wrote the criticism himself,

and published it in THE GALAXY to sell the public. This is ingenious,

but unfortunately it is not true. If any of our readers will take

the trouble to call at this office we sill show them the original

article in the SATURDAY REVIEW of October 8th, which, on comparison,

will be found to be identical with the one published in THE GALAXY.

The best thing for Mark to do will be to admit that he was sold,

and say no more about it.

The above is from the Cincinnati ENQUIRER, and is a falsehood.

Come to the proof. If the ENQUIRER people, through any agent,

will produce at THE GALAXY office a London SATURDAY REVIEW

of October 8th, containing an “article which, on comparison,

will be found to be identical with the one published in THE GALAXY,

I will pay to that agent five hundred dollars cash. Moreover, if at

any specified time I fail to produce at the same place a copy

of the London SATURDAY REVIEW of October 8th, containing a lengthy

criticism upon the INNOCENTS ABROAD, entirely different, in every

paragraph and sentence, from the one I published in THE GALAXY,

I will pay to the ENQUIRER agent another five hundred dollars cash.

I offer Sheldon & Co., publishers, 500 Broadway, New York,

as my “backers.” Any one in New York, authorized by the ENQUIRER,

will receive prompt attention. It is an easy and profitable way

for the ENQUIRER people to prove that they have not uttered a pitiful,

deliberate falsehood in the above paragraphs. Will they swallow

that falsehood ignominiously, or will they send an agent to THE

GALAXY office. I think the Cincinnati ENQUIRER must be edited

by children.



Riverdale-on-the-Hudson, OCTOBER 15, 1902.


Sir,–Prices for the customary kinds of winter fuel having reached

an altitude which puts them out of the reach of literary persons in

straitened circumstances, I desire to place with you the following order:

Forty-five tons best old dry government bonds, suitable for furnace,

gold 7 per cents., 1864, preferred.

Twelve tons early greenbacks, range size, suitable for cooking.

Eight barrels seasoned 25 and 50 cent postal currency, vintage of 1866,

eligible for kindlings.

Please deliver with all convenient despatch at my house in Riverdale

at lowest rates for spot cash, and send bill to

Your obliged servant,

Mark Twain, Who will be very grateful, and will vote right.




Sir,–I am approaching seventy; it is in sight; it is only three

years away. Necessarily, I must go soon. It is but matter-of-course

wisdom, then, that I should begin to set my worldly house in

order now, so that it may be done calmly and with thoroughness,

in place of waiting until the last day, when, as we have often seen,

the attempt to set both houses in order at the same time has been

marred by the necessity for haste and by the confusion and waste

of time arising from the inability of the notary and the ecclesiastic

to work together harmoniously, taking turn about and giving each

other friendly assistance–not perhaps in fielding, which could

hardly be expected, but at least in the minor offices of keeping

game and umpiring; by consequence of which conflict of interests

and absence of harmonious action a draw has frequently resulted

where this ill-fortune could not have happened if the houses had been

set in order one at a time and hurry avoided by beginning in season,

and giving to each the amount of time fairly and justly proper to it.

In setting my earthly house in order I find it of moment that I

should attend in person to one or two matters which men in my

position have long had the habit of leaving wholly to others,

with consequences often most regrettable. I wish to speak of only

one of these matters at this time: Obituaries. Of necessity,

an Obituary is a thing which cannot be so judiciously edited by any hand

as by that of the subject of it. In such a work it is not the Facts

that are of chief importance, but the light which the obituarist

shall throw upon them, the meaning which he shall dress them in,

the conclusions which he shall draw from them, and the judgments

which he shall deliver upon them. The Verdicts, you understand:

that is the danger-line.

In considering this matter, in view of my approaching change,

it has seemed to me wise to take such measures as may be feasible,

to acquire, by courtesy of the press, access to my standing obituaries,

with the privilege–if this is not asking too much–of editing,

not their Facts, but their Verdicts. This, not for the present profit,

further than as concerns my family, but as a favorable influence

usable on the Other Side, where there are some who are not friendly

to me.

With this explanation of my motives, I will now ask you of your

courtesy to make an appeal for me to the public press. It is my

desire that such journals and periodicals as have obituaries of me

lying in their pigeonholes, with a view to sudden use some day,

will not wait longer, but will publish them now, and kindly send

me a marked copy. My address is simply New York City–I have no

other that is permanent and not transient.

I will correct them–not the Facts, but the Verdicts–striking out

such clauses as could have a deleterious influence on the Other Side,

and replacing them with clauses of a more judicious character.

I should, of course, expect to pay double rates for both the omissions

and the substitutions; and I should also expect to pay quadruple

rates for all obituaries which proved to be rightly and wisely worded

in the originals, thus requiring no emendations at all.

It is my desire to leave these Amended Obituaries neatly bound

behind me as a perennial consolation and entertainment to my family,

and as an heirloom which shall have a mournful but definite

commercial value for my remote posterity.

I beg, sir, that you will insert this Advertisement (1t-eow, agate,

inside), and send the bill to

Yours very respectfully.

Mark Twain.

P.S.–For the best Obituary–one suitable for me to read in public,

and calculated to inspire regret–I desire to offer a Prize,

consisting of a Portrait of me done entirely by myself in pen and ink

without previous instructions. The ink warranted to be the kind

used by the very best artists.



Some one has revealed to the TRIBUNE that I once suggested

to Rev. Thomas K. Beecher, of Elmira, New York, that we get up

a monument to Adam, and that Mr. Beecher favored the project.

There is more to it than that. The matter started as a joke,

but it came somewhat near to materializing.

It is long ago–thirty years. Mr. Darwin’s DESCENT OF MAN has been

in print five or six years, and the storm of indignation raised

by it was still raging in pulpits and periodicals. In tracing

the genesis of the human race back to its sources, Mr. Darwin had

left Adam out altogether. We had monkeys, and “missing links,”

and plenty of other kinds of ancestors, but no Adam. Jesting with

Mr. Beecher and other friends in Elmira, I said there seemed to be

a likelihood that the world would discard Adam and accept the monkey,

and that in the course of time Adam’s very name would be forgotten

in the earth; therefore this calamity ought to be averted;

a monument would accomplish this, and Elmira ought not to waste

this honorable opportunity to do Adam a favor and herself a credit.

Then the unexpected happened. Two bankers came forward and took

hold of the matter–not for fun, not for sentiment, but because they

saw in the monument certain commercial advantages for the town.

The project had seemed gently humorous before–it was more than

that now, with this stern business gravity injected into it.

The bankers discussed the monument with me. We met several times.

They proposed an indestructible memorial, to cost twenty-five

thousand dollars. The insane oddity of a monument set up in a village

to preserve a name that would outlast the hills and the rocks without

any such help, would advertise Elmira to the ends of the earth–

and draw custom. It would be the only monument on the planet

to Adam, and in the matter of interest and impressiveness could

never have a rival until somebody should set up a monument to the

Milky Way.

People would come from every corner of the globe and stop off

to look at it, no tour of the world would be complete that left out

Adam’s monument. Elmira would be a Mecca; there would be pilgrim

ships at pilgrim rates, pilgrim specials on the continent’s railways;

libraries would be written about the monument, every tourist would

kodak it, models of it would be for sale everywhere in the earth,

its form would become as familiar as the figure of Napoleon.

One of the bankers subscribed five thousand dollars, and I think

the other one subscribed half as much, but I do not remember with

certainty now whether that was the figure or not. We got designs made–

some of them came from Paris.

In the beginning–as a detail of the project when it was yet a joke–

I had framed a humble and beseeching and perfervid petition to

Congress begging the government to built the monument, as a testimony

of the Great Republic’s gratitude to the Father of the Human Race

and as a token of her loyalty to him in this dark day of humiliation

when his older children were doubting and deserting him. It seemed

to me that this petition ought to be presented, now–it would be

widely and feelingly abused and ridiculed and cursed, and would

advertise our scheme and make our ground-floor stock go off briskly.

So I sent it to General Joseph R. Hawley, who was then in the House,

and he said he would present it. But he did not do it. I think

he explained that when he came to read it he was afraid of it:

it was too serious, to gushy, too sentimental–the House might take it

for earnest.

We ought to have carried out our monument scheme; we could

have managed it without any great difficulty, and Elmira would

now be the most celebrated town in the universe.

Very recently I began to build a book in which one of the minor

characters touches incidentally upon a project for a monument to Adam,

and now the TRIBUNE has come upon a trace of the forgotten jest of

thirty years ago. Apparently mental telegraphy is still in business.

It is odd; but the freaks of mental telegraphy are usually odd.



[The following letter, signed by Satan and purporting to come from him,

we have reason to believe was not written by him, but by Mark Twain.–



Dear Sir and Kinsman,–Let us have done with this frivolous talk.

The American Board accepts contributions from me every year:

then why shouldn’t it from Mr. Rockefeller? In all the ages,

three-fourths of the support of the great charities has been

conscience-money, as my books will show: then what becomes of

the sting when that term is applied to Mr. Rockefeller’s gift?

The American Board’s trade is financed mainly from the graveyards.

Bequests, you understand. Conscience-money. Confession of an old

crime and deliberate perpetration of a new one; for deceased’s

contribution is a robbery of his heirs. Shall the Board decline

bequests because they stand for one of these offenses every time and

generally for both?

Allow me to continue. The charge must persistently and resentfully

and remorselessly dwelt upon is that Mr. Rockefeller’s contribution is

incurably tainted by perjury–perjury proved against him in the courts.

IT MAKES US SMILE–down in my place! Because there isn’t a rich

man in your vast city who doesn’t perjure himself every year before

the tax board. They are all caked with perjury, many layers thick.

Iron-clad, so to speak. If there is one that isn’t, I desire

to acquire him for my museum, and will pay Dinosaur rates.

Will you say it isn’t infraction of the law, but only annual evasion

of it? Comfort yourselves with that nice distinction if you like–

FOR THE PRESENT. But by and by, when you arrive, I will show you

something interesting: a whole hell-full of evaders! Sometimes a

frank law-breaker turns up elsewhere, but I get those others every time.

To return to my muttons. I wish you to remember that my rich

perjurers are contributing to the American Board with frequency:

it is money filched from the sworn-off personal tax; therefore it

is the wages of sin; therefore it is my money; therefore it is _I_

that contribute it; and, finally, it is therefore as I have said:

since the Board daily accepts contributions from me, why should it

decline them from Mr. Rockefeller, who is as good as I am, let the

courts say what they may?





by Pedro Carolino

In this world of uncertainties, there is, at any rate, one thing

which may be pretty confidently set down as a certainty: and that is,

that this celebrated little phrase-book will never die while the

English language lasts. Its delicious unconscious ridiculousness,

and its enchanting na:ivet’e, as are supreme and unapproachable,

in their way, as are Shakespeare’s sublimities. Whatsoever is

perfect in its kind, in literature, is imperishable: nobody can

imitate it successfully, nobody can hope to produce its fellow;

it is perfect, it must and will stand alone: its immortality

is secure.

It is one of the smallest books in the world, but few big books have

received such wide attention, and been so much pondered by the grave

and learned, and so much discussed and written about by the thoughtful,

the thoughtless, the wise, and the foolish. Long notices of it

have appeared, from time to time, in the great English reviews,

and in erudite and authoritative philological periodicals; and it

has been laughed at, danced upon, and tossed in a blanket by nearly

every newspaper and magazine in the English-speaking world.

Every scribbler, almost, has had his little fling at it, at one time

or another; I had mine fifteen years ago. The book gets out of print,

every now and then, and one ceases to hear of it for a season;

but presently the nations and near and far colonies of our tongue

and lineage call for it once more, and once more it issues from some

London or Continental or American press, and runs a new course around

the globe, wafted on its way by the wind of a world’s laughter.

Many persons have believed that this book’s miraculous stupidities

were studied and disingenuous; but no one can read the volume

carefully through and keep that opinion. It was written in

serious good faith and deep earnestness, by an honest and upright

idiot who believed he knew something of the English language,

and could impart his knowledge to others. The amplest proof

of this crops out somewhere or other upon each and every page.

There are sentences in the book which could have been manufactured

by a man in his right mind, and with an intelligent and deliberate

purposes to seem innocently ignorant; but there are other sentences,

and paragraphs, which no mere pretended ignorance could ever achieve–

nor yet even the most genuine and comprehensive ignorance,

when unbacked by inspiration.

It is not a fraud who speaks in the following paragraph of the

author’s Preface, but a good man, an honest man, a man whose conscience

is at rest, a man who believes he has done a high and worthy work for

his nation and his generation, and is well pleased with his performance:

We expect then, who the little book (for the care what we wrote him,

and for her typographical correction) that may be worth the

acceptation of the studious persons, and especially of the Youth,

at which we dedicate him particularly.

One cannot open this book anywhere and not find richness.

To prove that this is true, I will open it at random and copy

the page I happen to stumble upon. Here is the result:


For To See the Town

Anothony, go to accompany they gentilsmen, do they see the town.

We won’t to see all that is it remarquable here.

Come with me, if you please. I shall not folget nothing what can

to merit your attention. Here we are near to cathedral; will you

come in there?

We will first to see him in oudside, after we shall go in there

for to look the interior.

Admire this master piece gothic architecture’s.

The chasing of all they figures is astonishing’ indeed.

The cupola and the nave are not less curious to see.

What is this palace how I see yonder?

It is the town hall.

And this tower here at this side?

It is the Observatory.

The bridge is very fine, it have ten arches, and is constructed

of free stone.

The streets are very layed out by line and too paved.

What is the circuit of this town?

Two leagues.

There is it also hospitals here?

It not fail them.

What are then the edifices the worthest to have seen?

It is the arsnehal, the spectacle’s hall, the Cusiomhouse,

and the Purse.

We are going too see the others monuments such that the public

pawnbroker’s office, the plants garden’s, the money office’s,

the library.

That it shall be for another day; we are tired.


To Inform One’self of a Person

How is that gentilman who you did speak by and by?

Is a German.

I did think him Englishman.

He is of the Saxony side.

He speak the french very well.

Tough he is German, he speak so much well italyan, french, spanish

and english, that among the Italyans, they believe him Italyan,

he speak the frenche as the Frenches himselves. The Spanishesmen

believe him Spanishing, and the Englishes, Englishman. It is

difficult to enjoy well so much several languages.

The last remark contains a general truth; but it ceases to be a truth

when one contracts it and apples it to an individual–provided that

that individual is the author of this book, Sehnor Pedro Carolino.

I am sure I should not find it difficult “to enjoy well so much

several languages”–or even a thousand of them–if he did the

translating for me from the originals into his ostensible English.



Good little girls ought not to make mouths at their teachers for

every trifling offense. This retaliation should only be resorted

to under peculiarly aggravated circumstances.

If you have nothing but a rag-doll stuffed with sawdust, while one

of your more fortunate little playmates has a costly China one,

you should treat her with a show of kindness nevertheless.

And you ought not to attempt to make a forcible swap with her unless

your conscience would justify you in it, and you know you are able

to do it.

You ought never to take your little brother’s “chewing-gum” away

from him by main force; it is better to rope him in with the promise

of the first two dollars and a half you find floating down the

river on a grindstone. In the artless simplicity natural to this

time of life, he will regard it as a perfectly fair transaction.

In all ages of the world this eminently plausible fiction has lured

the obtuse infant to financial ruin and disaster.

If at any time you find it necessary to correct your brother,

do not correct him with mud–never, on any account, throw mud at him,

because it will spoil his clothes. It is better to scald him a little,

for then you obtain desirable results. You secure his immediate

attention to the lessons you are inculcating, and at the same time

your hot water will have a tendency to move impurities from his person,

and possibly the skin, in spots.

If your mother tells you to do a thing, it is wrong to reply

that you won’t. It is better and more becoming to intimate

that you will do as she bids you, and then afterward act quietly

in the matter according to the dictates of your best judgment.

You should ever bear in mind that it is to your kind parents that you

are indebted for your food, and for the privilege of staying home

from school when you let on that you are sick. Therefore you ought

to respect their little prejudices, and humor their little whims,

and put up with their little foibles until they get to crowding you

too much.

Good little girls always show marked deference for the aged.

You ought never to “sass” old people unless they “sass” you first.



In Philadelphia they have a custom which it would be pleasant

to see adopted throughout the land. It is that of appending to

published death-notices a little verse or two of comforting poetry.

Any one who is in the habit of reading the daily Philadelphia

LEDGER must frequently be touched by these plaintive tributes

to extinguished worth. In Philadelphia, the departure of a child

is a circumstance which is not more surely followed by a burial

than by the accustomed solacing poesy in the PUBLIC LEDGER.

In that city death loses half its terror because the knowledge

of its presence comes thus disguised in the sweet drapery of verse.

For instance, in a late LEDGER I find the following (I change

the surname):


Hawks.–On the 17th inst., Clara, the daughter of Ephraim

and Laura Hawks, aged 21 months and 2 days.

That merry shout no more I hear,

No laughing child I see,

No little arms are around my neck,

No feet upon my knee;

No kisses drop upon my cheek,

These lips are sealed to me.

Dear Lord, how could I give Clara up

To any but to Thee?

A child thus mourned could not die wholly discontented.

From the LEDGER of the same date I make the following extract,

merely changing the surname, as before:

Becket.–On Sunday morning, 19th inst., John P., infant son

of George and Julia Becket, aged 1 year, 6 months, and 15 days.

That merry shout no more I hear,

No laughing child I see,

No little arms are round my neck,

No feet upon my knee;

No kisses drop upon my cheek;

These lips are sealed to me.

Dear Lord, how could I give Johnnie up

To any but to Thee?

The similarity of the emotions as produced in the mourners in these

two instances is remarkably evidenced by the singular similarity

of thought which they experienced, and the surprising coincidence

of language used by them to give it expression.

In the same journal, of the same date, I find the following

(surname suppressed, as before):

Wagner.–On the 10th inst., Ferguson G., the son of William

L. and Martha Theresa Wagner, aged 4 weeks and 1 day.

That merry shout no more I hear,

No laughing child I see,

No little arms are round my neck,

No feet upon my knee;

No kisses drop upon my cheek,

These lips are sealed to me.

Dear Lord, how could I give Ferguson up

To any but to Thee?

It is strange what power the reiteration of an essentially poetical

thought has upon one’s feelings. When we take up the LEDGER

and read the poetry about little Clara, we feel an unaccountable

depression of the spirits. When we drift further down the column

and read the poetry about little Johnnie, the depression and spirits

acquires and added emphasis, and we experience tangible suffering.

When we saunter along down the column further still and read

the poetry about little Ferguson, the word torture but vaguely

suggests the anguish that rends us.

In the LEDGER (same copy referred to above) I find the following

(I alter surname, as usual):

Welch.–On the 5th inst., Mary C. Welch, wife of William B. Welch,

and daughter of Catharine and George W. Markland, in the 29th year

of her age.

A mother dear, a mother kind,

Has gone and left us all behind.

Cease to weep, for tears are vain,

Mother dear is out of pain.

Farewell, husband, children dear,

Serve thy God with filial fear,

And meet me in the land above,

Where all is peace, and joy, and love.

What could be sweeter than that? No collection of salient facts

(without reduction to tabular form) could be more succinctly stated

than is done in the first stanza by the surviving relatives,

and no more concise and comprehensive program of farewells,

post-mortuary general orders, etc., could be framed in any

form than is done in verse by deceased in the last stanza.

These things insensibly make us wiser and tenderer, and better.

Another extract:

Ball.–On the morning of the 15th inst., Mary E., daughter of John

and Sarah F. Ball.

‘Tis sweet to rest in lively hope

That when my change shall come

Angels will hover round my bed,

To waft my spirit home.

The following is apparently the customary form for heads of families:

Burns.–On the 20th inst., Michael Burns, aged 40 years.

Dearest father, thou hast left us,

Hear thy loss we deeply feel;

But ’tis God that has bereft us,

He can all our sorrows heal.

Funeral at 2 o’clock sharp.

There is something very simple and pleasant about the following,

which, in Philadelphia, seems to be the usual form for consumptives

of long standing. (It deplores four distinct cases in the single

copy of the LEDGER which lies on the Memoranda editorial table):

Bromley.–On the 29th inst., of consumption, Philip Bromley,

in the 50th year of his age.

Affliction sore long time he bore,

Physicians were in vain–

Till God at last did hear him mourn,

And eased him of his pain.

That friend whom death from us has torn,

We did not think so soon to part;

An anxious care now sinks the thorn

Still deeper in our bleeding heart.

This beautiful creation loses nothing by repetition. On the contrary,

the oftener one sees it in the LEDGER, the more grand and awe-inspiring

it seems.

With one more extract I will close:

Doble.–On the 4th inst., Samuel Pervil Worthington Doble,

aged 4 days.

Our little Sammy’s gone,

His tiny spirit’s fled;

Our little boy we loved so dear

Lies sleeping with the dead.

A tear within a father’s eye,

A mother’s aching heart,

Can only tell the agony

How hard it is to part.

Could anything be more plaintive than that, without requiring further

concessions of grammar? Could anything be likely to do more toward

reconciling deceased to circumstances, and making him willing to go?

Perhaps not. The power of song can hardly be estimated. There is

an element about some poetry which is able to make even physical

suffering and death cheerful things to contemplate and consummations

to be desired. This element is present in the mortuary poetry

of Philadelphia degree of development.

The custom I have been treating of is one that should be adopted

in all the cities of the land.

It is said that once a man of small consequence died, and the

Rev. T. K. Beecher was asked to preach the funeral sermon–

a man who abhors the lauding of people, either dead or alive,

except in dignified and simple language, and then only for merits

which they actually possessed or possess, not merits which they

merely ought to have possessed. The friends of the deceased got

up a stately funeral. They must have had misgivings that the

corpse might not be praised strongly enough, for they prepared

some manuscript headings and notes in which nothing was left

unsaid on that subject that a fervid imagination and an unabridged

dictionary could compile, and these they handed to the minister

as he entered the pulpit. They were merely intended as suggestions,

and so the friends were filled with consternation when the minister

stood in the pulpit and proceeded to read off the curious odds

and ends in ghastly detail and in a loud voice! And their

consternation solidified to petrification when he paused at the end,

contemplated the multitude reflectively, and then said, impressively:

“The man would be a fool who tried to add anything to that.

Let us pray!”

And with the same strict adhesion to truth it can be said that the

man would be a fool who tried to add anything to the following

transcendent obituary poem. There is something so innocent,

so guileless, so complacent, so unearthly serene and self-satisfied

about this peerless “hog-wash,” that the man must be made of stone

who can read it without a dulcet ecstasy creeping along his backbone

and quivering in his marrow. There is no need to say that this

poem is genuine and in earnest, for its proofs are written all

over its face. An ingenious scribbler might imitate it after

a fashion, but Shakespeare himself could not counterfeit it.

It is noticeable that the country editor who published it did

not know that it was a treasure and the most perfect thing of its

kind that the storehouses and museums of literature could show.

He did not dare to say no to the dread poet–for such a poet

must have been something of an apparition–but he just shoveled

it into his paper anywhere that came handy, and felt ashamed,

and put that disgusted “Published by Request” over it, and hoped

that his subscribers would overlook it or not feel an impulse to read it:

(Published by Request


Composed on the death of Samuel and Catharine Belknap’s children

by M. A. Glaze

Friends and neighbors all draw near,

And listen to what I have to say;

And never leave your children dear

When they are small, and go away.

But always think of that sad fate,

That happened in year of ’63;

Four children with a house did burn,

Think of their awful agony.

Their mother she had gone away,

And left them there alone to stay;

The house took fire and down did burn;

Before their mother did return.

Their piteous cry the neighbors heard,

And then the cry of fire was given;

But, ah! before they could them reach,

Their little spirits had flown to heaven.

Their father he to war had gone,

And on the battle-field was slain;

But little did he think when he went away,

But what on earth they would meet again.

The neighbors often told his wife

Not to leave his children there,

Unless she got some one to stay,

And of the little ones take care.

The oldest he was years not six,

And the youngest only eleven months old,

But often she had left them there alone,

As, by the neighbors, I have been told.

How can she bear to see the place.

Where she so oft has left them there,

Without a single one to look to them,

Or of the little ones to take good care.

Oh, can she look upon the spot,

Whereunder their little burnt bones lay,

But what she thinks she hears them say,

”Twas God had pity, and took us on high.’

And there may she kneel down and pray,

And ask God her to forgive;

And she may lead a different life

While she on earth remains to live.

Her husband and her children too,

God has took from pain and woe.

May she reform and mend her ways,

That she may also to them go.

And when it is God’s holy will,

O, may she be prepared

To meet her God and friends in peace,

And leave this world of care.

– – –

1. Written in 1870.



The man in the ticket-office said:

“Have an accident insurance ticket, also?”

“No,” I said, after studying the matter over a little. “No, I

believe not; I am going to be traveling by rail all day today.

However, tomorrow I don’t travel. Give me one for tomorrow.”

The man looked puzzled. He said:

“But it is for accident insurance, and if you are going to travel

by rail–”

“If I am going to travel by rail I sha’n’t need it. Lying at home

in bed is the thing _I_ am afraid of.”

I had been looking into this matter. Last year I traveled twenty

thousand miles, almost entirely by rail; the year before, I traveled

over twenty-five thousand miles, half by sea and half by rail;

and the year before that I traveled in the neighborhood of ten

thousand miles, exclusively by rail. I suppose if I put in all

the little odd journeys here and there, I may say I have traveled

sixty thousand miles during the three years I have mentioned.


For a good while I said to myself every morning: “Now I

have escaped thus far, and so the chances are just that much

increased that I shall catch it this time. I will be shrewd,

and buy an accident ticket.” And to a dead moral certainty I

drew a blank, and went to bed that night without a joint started

or a bone splintered. I got tired of that sort of daily bother,

and fell to buying accident tickets that were good for a month.

I said to myself, “A man CAN’T buy thirty blanks in one bundle.”

But I was mistaken. There was never a prize in the the lot.

I could read of railway accidents every day–the newspaper

atmosphere was foggy with them; but somehow they never came my way.

I found I had spent a good deal of money in the accident business,

and had nothing to show for it. My suspicions were aroused, and I

began to hunt around for somebody that had won in this lottery.

I found plenty of people who had invested, but not an individual

that had ever had an accident or made a cent. I stopped buying

accident tickets and went to ciphering. The result was astounding.


I hunted up statistics, and was amazed to find that after all

the glaring newspaper headlines concerning railroad disasters,

less than THREE HUNDRED people had really lost their lives by those

disasters in the preceding twelve months. The Erie road was set

down as the most murderous in the list. It had killed forty-six–

or twenty-six, I do not exactly remember which, but I know the

number was double that of any other road. But the fact straightway

suggested itself that the Erie was an immensely long road, and did

more business than any other line in the country; so the double

number of killed ceased to be matter for surprise.

By further figuring, it appeared that between New York and Rochester

the Erie ran eight passenger-trains each way every day–16 altogether;

and carried a daily average of 6,000 persons. That is about a million

in six months–the population of New York City. Well, the Erie kills

from 13 to 23 persons of ITS million in six months; and in the same

time 13,000 of New York’s million die in their beds! My flesh crept,

my hair stood on end. “This is appalling!” I said. “The danger

isn’t in traveling by rail, but in trusting to those deadly beds.

I will never sleep in a bed again.”

I had figured on considerably less than one-half the length of

the Erie road. It was plain that the entire road must transport

at least eleven or twelve thousand people every day. There are

many short roads running out of Boston that do fully half as much;

a great many such roads. There are many roads scattered about the

Union that do a prodigious passenger business. Therefore it was fair

to presume that an average of 2,500 passengers a day for each road

in the country would be almost correct. There are 846 railway

lines in our country, and 846 times 2,500 are 2,115,000. So the

railways of America move more than two millions of people every day;

six hundred and fifty millions of people a year, without counting

the Sundays. They do that, too–there is no question about it;

though where they get the raw material is clear beyond the jurisdiction

of my arithmetic; for I have hunted the census through and through,

and I find that there are not that many people in the United States,

by a matter of six hundred and ten millions at the very least.

They must use some of the same people over again, likely.

San Francisco is one-eighth as populous as New York; there are 60

deaths a week in the former and 500 a week in the latter–if they

have luck. That is 3,120 deaths a year in San Francisco, and eight

times as many in New York–say about 25,000 or 26,000. The health

of the two places is the same. So we will let it stand as a fair

presumption that this will hold good all over the country, and that

consequently 25,000 out of every million of people we have must die

every year. That amounts to one-fortieth of our total population.

One million of us, then, die annually. Out of this million ten

or twelve thousand are stabbed, shot, drowned, hanged, poisoned,

or meet a similarly violent death in some other popular way,

such as perishing by kerosene-lamp and hoop-skirt conflagrations,

getting buried in coal-mines, falling off house-tops, breaking

through church, or lecture-room floors, taking patent medicines,

or committing suicide in other forms. The Erie railroad kills 23 to 46;

the other 845 railroads kill an average of one-third of a man each;

and the rest of that million, amounting in the aggregate to that

appalling figure of 987,631 corpses, die naturally in their beds!

You will excuse me from taking any more chances on those beds.

The railroads are good enough for me.

And my advice to all people is, Don’t stay at home any more than

you can help; but when you have GOT to stay at home a while,

buy a package of those insurance tickets and sit up nights.

You cannot be too cautious.

[One can see now why I answered that ticket-agent in the manner

recorded at the top of this sketch.]

The moral of this composition is, that thoughtless people grumble

more than is fair about railroad management in the United States.

When we consider that every day and night of the year full fourteen

thousand railway-trains of various kinds, freighted with life

and armed with death, go thundering over the land, the marvel is,

NOT that they kill three hundred human beings in a twelvemonth,

but that they do not kill three hundred times three hundred!



I never can look at those periodical portraits in THE GALAXY magazine

without feeling a wild, tempestuous ambition to be an artist.

I have seen thousands and thousands of pictures in my time–

acres of them here and leagues of them in the galleries of Europe–

but never any that moved me as these portraits do.

There is a portrait of Monsignore Capel in the November number,

now COULD anything be sweeter than that? And there was Bismarck’s,

in the October number; who can look at that without being purer

and stronger and nobler for it? And Thurlow and Weed’s picture

in the September number; I would not have died without seeing that,

no, not for anything this world can give. But looks back still

further and recall my own likeness as printed in the August number;

if I had been in my grave a thousand years when that appeared,

I would have got up and visited the artist.

I sleep with all these portraits under my pillow every night, so that I

can go on studying them as soon as the day dawns in the morning.

I know them all as thoroughly as if I had made them myself; I know

every line and mark about them. Sometimes when company are present

I shuffle the portraits all up together, and then pick them out

one by one and call their names, without referring to the printing

on the bottom. I seldom make a mistake–never, when I am calm.

I have had the portraits framed for a long time, waiting till

my aunt gets everything ready for hanging them up in the parlor.

But first one thing and then another interferes, and so the thing

is delayed. Once she said they would have more of the peculiar kind

of light they needed in the attic. The old simpleton! it is as dark

as a tomb up there. But she does not know anything about art,

and so she has no reverence for it. When I showed her my “Map of

the Fortifications of Paris,” she said it was rubbish.

Well, from nursing those portraits so long, I have come at last

to have a perfect infatuation for art. I have a teacher now,

and my enthusiasm continually and tumultuously grows, as I learn

to use with more and more facility the pencil, brush, and graver.

I am studying under De Mellville, the house and portrait painter.

[His name was Smith when he lived in the West.] He does any kind

of artist work a body wants, having a genius that is universal,

like Michael Angelo. Resembles that great artist, in fact.

The back of his head is like this, and he wears his hat-brim tilted

down on his nose to expose it.

I have been studying under De Mellville several months now.

The first month I painted fences, and gave general satisfaction.

The next month I white-washed a barn. The third, I was doing

tin roofs; the forth, common signs; the fifth, statuary to stand

before cigar shops. This present month is only the sixth, and I am

already in portraits!

The humble offering which accompanies these remarks [see figure]–

the portrait of his Majesty William III., King of Prussia–

is my fifth attempt in portraits, and my greatest success.

It has received unbounded praise from all classes of the community,

but that which gratifies me most is the frequent and cordial verdict

that it resembles the GALAXY portraits. Those were my first love,

my earliest admiration, the original source and incentive of my

art-ambition. Whatever I am in Art today, I owe to these portraits.

I ask no credit for myself–I deserve none. And I never take any,

either. Many a stranger has come to my exhibition (for I have had my

portrait of King William on exhibition at one dollar a ticket), and

would have gone away blessing ME, if I had let him, but I never did.

I always stated where I got the idea.

King William wears large bushy side-whiskers, and some critics have

thought that this portrait would be more complete if they were added.

But it was not possible. There was not room for side-whiskers and

epaulets both, and so I let the whiskers go, and put in the epaulets,

for the sake of style. That thing on his hat is an eagle.

The Prussian eagle–it is a national emblem. When I saw hat I

mean helmet; but it seems impossible to make a picture of a helmet

that a body can have confidence in.

I wish kind friends everywhere would aid me in my endeavor to attract

a little attention to the GALAXY portraits. I feel persuaded it can

be accomplished, if the course to be pursued be chosen with judgment.

I write for that magazine all the time, and so do many abler men,

and if I can get these portraits into universal favor, it is all I ask;

the reading-matter will take care of itself.


There is nothing like it in the Vatican. Pius IX.

It has none of that vagueness, that dreamy spirituality about it,

which many of the first critics of Arkansas have objected to in the

Murillo school of Art. Ruskin.

The expression is very interesting. J.W. Titian.

(Keeps a macaroni store in Venice, at the old family stand.)

It is the neatest thing in still life I have seen for years.

Rosa Bonheur.

The smile may be almost called unique. Bismarck.

I never saw such character portrayed in a picture face before.

De Mellville.

There is a benignant simplicity about the execution of this

work which warms the heart toward it as much, full as much,

as it fascinates the eye. Landseer.

One cannot see it without longing to contemplate the artist.

Frederick William.

Send me the entire edition–together with the plate and the

original portrait–and name your own price. And–would you

like to come over and stay awhile with Napoleon at Wilhelmsh:ohe?

It shall not cost you a cent. William III.



Often a quite assified remark becomes sanctified by use and

petrified by custom; it is then a permanency, its term of activity

a geologic period.

The day after the arrival of Prince Henry I met an English friend,

and he rubbed his hands and broke out with a remark that was charged

to the brim with joy–joy that was evidently a pleasant salve

to an old sore place:

“Many a time I’ve had to listen without retort to an old saying

that is irritatingly true, and until now seemed to offer no chance

for a return jibe: ‘An Englishman does dearly love a lord’;

but after this I shall talk back, and say, ‘How about the Americans?'”

It is a curious thing, the currency that an idiotic saying can get.

The man that first says it thinks he has made a discovery.

The man he says it to, thinks the same. It departs on its travels,

is received everywhere with admiring acceptance, and not only as

a piece of rare and acute observation, but as being exhaustively

true and profoundly wise; and so it presently takes its place

in the world’s list of recognized and established wisdoms,

and after that no one thinks of examining it to see whether it is

really entitled to its high honors or not. I call to mind instances

of this in two well-established proverbs, whose dullness is not

surpassed by the one about the Englishman and his love for a lord:

one of them records the American’s Adoration of the Almighty Dollar,

the other the American millionaire-girl’s ambition to trade cash for

a title, with a husband thrown in.

It isn’t merely the American that adores the Almighty Dollar,

it is the human race. The human race has always adored the hatful

of shells, or the bale of calico, or the half-bushel of brass rings,

or the handful of steel fish-hooks, or the houseful of black wives,

or the zareba full of cattle, or the two-score camels and asses,

or the factory, or the farm, or the block of buildings, or the

railroad bonds, or the bank stock, or the hoarded cash, or–

anything that stands for wealth and consideration and independence,

and can secure to the possessor that most precious of all things,

another man’s envy. It was a dull person that invented the idea

that the American’s devotion to the dollar is more strenuous than


Rich American girls do buy titles, but they did not invent that idea;

it had been worn threadbare several hundred centuries before America

was discovered. European girls still exploit it as briskly as ever;

and, when a title is not to be had for the money in hand, they buy

the husband without it. They must put up the “dot,” or there is

no trade. The commercialization of brides is substantially universal,

except in America. It exists with us, to some little extent,

but in no degree approaching a custom.

“The Englishman dearly loves a lord.”

What is the soul and source of this love? I think the thing could

be more correctly worded:

“The human race dearly envies a lord.”

That is to say, it envies the lord’s place. Why? On two accounts,

I think: its Power and its Conspicuousness.

Where Conspicuousness carries with it a Power which, by the light

of our own observation and experience, we are able to measure

and comprehend, I think our envy of the possessor is as deep and as

passionate as is that of any other nation. No one can care less

for a lord than the backwoodsman, who has had no personal contact

with lords and has seldom heard them spoken of; but I will not

allow that any Englishman has a profounder envy of a lord than has

the average American who has lived long years in a European capital

and fully learned how immense is the position the lord occupies.

Of any ten thousand Americans who eagerly gather, at vast inconvenience,

to get a glimpse of Prince Henry, all but a couple of hundred

will be there out of an immense curiosity; they are burning up

with desire to see a personage who is so much talked about.

They envy him; but it is Conspicuousness they envy mainly, not the

Power that is lodged in his royal quality and position, for they

have but a vague and spectral knowledge and appreciation of that;

though their environment and associations they have been accustomed

to regard such things lightly, and as not being very real; consequently,

they are not able to value them enough to consumingly envy them.

But, whenever an American (or other human being) is in the presence,

for the first time, of a combination of great Power and Conspicuousness

which he thoroughly understands and appreciates, his eager curiosity

and pleasure will be well-sodden with that other passion–envy–

whether he suspects it or not. At any time, on any day, in any part

of America, you can confer a happiness upon any passing stranger

by calling his attention to any other passing stranger and saying:

“Do you see that gentleman going along there? It is Mr. Rockefeller.”

Watch his eye. It is a combination of power and conspicuousness

which the man understands.

When we understand rank, we always like to rub against it.

When a man is conspicuous, we always want to see him. Also, if he

will pay us an attention we will manage to remember it. Also, we

will mention it now and then, casually; sometimes to a friend,

or if a friend is not handy, we will make out with a stranger.

Well, then, what is rank, and what is conspicuousness? At once we

think of kings and aristocracies, and of world-wide celebrities

in soldierships, the arts, letters, etc., and we stop there.

But that is a mistake. Rank holds its court and receives its homage

on every round of the ladder, from the emperor down to the rat-catcher;

and distinction, also, exists on every round of the ladder,

and commands its due of deference and envy.

To worship rank and distinction is the dear and valued privilege

of all the human race, and it is freely and joyfully exercised

in democracies as well as in monarchies–and even, to some extent,

among those creatures whom we impertinently call the Lower Animals.

For even they have some poor little vanities and foibles, though in

this matter they are paupers as compared to us.

A Chinese Emperor has the worship of his four hundred millions

of subjects, but the rest of the world is indifferent to him.

A Christian Emperor has the worship of his subjects and of a large

part of the Christian world outside of his domains; but he is

a matter of indifference to all China. A king, class A, has an

extensive worship; a king, class B, has a less extensive worship;

class C, class D, class E get a steadily diminishing share of worship;

class L (Sultan of Zanzibar), class P (Sultan of Sulu), and class W

(half-king of Samoa), get no worship at all outside their own little

patch of sovereignty.

Take the distinguished people along down. Each has his group

of homage-payers. In the navy, there are many groups; they start

with the Secretary and the Admiral, and go down to the quartermaster–

and below; for there will be groups among the sailors, and each of

these groups will have a tar who is distinguished for his battles,

or his strength, or his daring, or his profanity, and is admired

and envied by his group. The same with the army; the same

with the literary and journalistic craft; the publishing craft;

the cod-fishery craft; Standard Oil; U. S. Steel; the class A hotel–

and the rest of the alphabet in that line; the class A prize-fighter–

and the rest of the alphabet in his line–clear down to the lowest

and obscurest six-boy gang of little gamins, with its one boy

that can thrash the rest, and to whom he is king of Samoa,

bottom of the royal race, but looked up to with a most ardent

admiration and envy.

There is something pathetic, and funny, and pretty, about this

human race’s fondness for contact with power and distinction,

and for the reflected glory it gets out of it. The king, class A,

is happy in the state banquet and the military show which the

emperor provides for him, and he goes home and gathers the queen

and the princelings around him in the privacy of the spare room,

and tells them all about it, and says:

“His Imperial Majesty put his hand upon my shoulder in the most

friendly way–just as friendly and familiar, oh, you can’t imagine it!–

and everybody SEEING him do it; charming, perfectly charming!”

The king, class G, is happy in the cold collation and the police

parade provided for him by the king, class B, and goes home

and tells the family all about it, and says:

“And His Majesty took me into his own private cabinet for a smoke

and a chat, and there we sat just as sociable, and talking away

and laughing and chatting, just the same as if we had been born

in the same bunk; and all the servants in the anteroom could see

us doing it! Oh, it was too lovely for anything!”

The king, class Q, is happy in the modest entertainment furnished him

by the king, class M, and goes home and tells the household about it,

and is as grateful and joyful over it as were his predecessors

in the gaudier attentions that had fallen to their larger lot.

Emperors, kings, artisans, peasants, big people, little people–at the

bottom we are all alike and all the same; all just alike on the inside,

and when our clothes are off, nobody can tell which of us is which.

We are unanimous in the pride we take in good and genuine compliments

paid us, and distinctions conferred upon us, in attentions shown.

There is not one of us, from the emperor down,, but is made like that.

Do I mean attentions shown us by the guest? No, I mean simply

flattering attentions, let them come whence they may. We despise

no source that can pay us a pleasing attention–there is no source

that is humble enough for that. You have heard a dear little girl

say to a frowzy and disreputable dog: “He came right to me and let

me pat him on the head, and he wouldn’t let the others touch him!”

and you have seen her eyes dance with pride in that high distinction.

You have often seen that. If the child were a princess, would that

random dog be able to confer the like glory upon her with his

pretty compliment? Yes; and even in her mature life and seated

upon a throne, she would still remember it, still recall it,

still speak of it with frank satisfaction. That charming and

lovable German princess and poet, Carmen Sylva, Queen of Roumania,

remembers yet that the flowers of the woods and fields “talked to her”

when she was a girl, and she sets it down in her latest book;

and that the squirrels conferred upon her and her father the valued

compliment of not being afraid of them; and “once one of them,

holding a nut between its sharp little teeth, ran right up against

my father”–it has the very note of “He came right to me and let

me pat him on the head”–“and when it saw itself reflected in his

boot it was very much surprised, and stopped for a long time to

contemplate itself in the polished leather”–then it went its way.

And the birds! she still remembers with pride that “they came

boldly into my room,” when she had neglected her “duty” and put

no food on the window-sill for them; she knew all the wild birds,

and forgets the royal crown on her head to remember with pride

that they knew her; also that the wasp and the bee were personal

friends of hers, and never forgot that gracious relationship

to her injury: “never have I been stung by a wasp or a bee.”

And here is that proud note again that sings in that little child’s

elation in being singled out, among all the company of children,

for the random dog’s honor-conferring attentions. “Even in the very

worst summer for wasps, when, in lunching out of doors, our table

was covered with them and every one else was stung, they never

hurt me.”

When a queen whose qualities of mind and heart and character are

able to add distinction to so distinguished a place as a throne,

remembers with grateful exultation, after thirty years, honors and

distinctions conferred upon her by the humble, wild creatures of

the forest, we are helped to realize that complimentary attentions,

homage, distinctions, are of no caste, but are above all cast–

that they are a nobility-conferring power apart.

We all like these things. When the gate-guard at the railway-station

passes me through unchallenged and examines other people’s tickets,

I feel as the king, class A, felt when the emperor put the imperial

hand on his shoulder, “everybody seeing him do it”; and as the child

felt when the random dog allowed her to pat his head and ostracized

the others; and as the princess felt when the wasps spared her

and stung the rest; and I felt just so, four years ago in Vienna

(and remember it yet), when the helmeted police shut me off,

with fifty others, from a street which the Emperor was to pass through,

and the captain of the squad turned and saw the situation and said

indignantly to that guard:

“Can’t you see it is the Herr Mark Twain? Let him through!”

It was four years ago; but it will be four hundred before I forget

the wind of self-complacency that rose in me, and strained my

buttons when I marked the deference for me evoked in the faces of my

fellow-rabble, and noted, mingled with it, a puzzled and resentful

expression which said, as plainly as speech could have worded it:

“And who in the nation is the Herr Mark Twain UM GOTTESWILLEN?”

How many times in your life have you heard this boastful remark:

“I stood as close to him as I am to you; I could have put out my

hand and touched him.”

We have all heard it many and many a time. It was a proud

distinction to be able to say those words. It brought envy to

the speaker, a kind of glory; and he basked in it and was happy

through all his veins. And who was it he stood so close to?

The answer would cover all the grades. Sometimes it was a king;

sometimes it was a renowned highwayman; sometimes it was an unknown

man killed in an extraordinary way and made suddenly famous by it;

always it was a person who was for the moment the subject of public

interest of a village.

“I was there, and I saw it myself.” That is a common and

envy-compelling remark. It can refer to a battle; to a handing;

to a coronation; to the killing of Jumbo by the railway-train;

to the arrival of Jenny Lind at the Battery; to the meeting of the

President and Prince Henry; to the chase of a murderous maniac;

to the disaster in the tunnel; to the explosion in the subway;

to a remarkable dog-fight; to a village church struck by lightning.

It will be said, more or less causally, by everybody in America who has

seen Prince Henry do anything, or try to. The man who was absent

and didn’t see him to anything, will scoff. It is his privilege;

and he can make capital out of it, too; he will seem, even to himself,

to be different from other Americans, and better. As his opinion

of his superior Americanism grows, and swells, and concentrates

and coagulates, he will go further and try to belittle the distinction

of those that saw the Prince do things, and will spoil their pleasure

in it if he can. My life has been embittered by that kind of persons.

If you are able to tell of a special distinction that has fallen

to your lot, it gravels them; they cannot bear it; and they try

to make believe that the thing you took for a special distinction

was nothing of the kind and was meant in quite another way.

Once I was received in private audience by an emperor. Last week

I was telling a jealous person about it, and I could see him wince

under it, see him bite, see him suffer. I revealed the whole episode

to him with considerable elaboration and nice attention to detail.

When I was through, he asked me what had impressed me most.

I said:

“His Majesty’s delicacy. They told me to be sure and back

out from the presence, and find the door-knob as best I could;

it was not allowable to face around. Now the Emperor knew it would

be a difficult ordeal for me, because of lack of practice; and so,

when it was time to part, he turned, with exceeding delicacy,

and pretended to fumble with things on his desk, so I could get

out in my own way, without his seeing me.”

It went home! It was vitriol! I saw the envy and disgruntlement rise

in the man’s face; he couldn’t keep it down. I saw him try to fix

up something in his mind to take the bloom off that distinction.

I enjoyed that, for I judged that he had his work cut out for him.

He struggled along inwardly for quite a while; then he said,

with a manner of a person who has to say something and hasn’t anything

relevant to say:

“You said he had a handful of special-brand cigars on the table?”

“Yes; _I_ never said anything to match them.”

I had him again. He had to fumble around in his mind as much

as another minute before he could play; then he said in as mean

a way as I ever heard a person say anything:

“He could have been counting the cigars, you know.”

I cannot endure a man like that. It is nothing to him how unkind

he is, so long as he takes the bloom off. It is all he cares for.

“An Englishman (or other human being) does dearly love a lord,”

(or other conspicuous person.) It includes us all. We love to be

noticed by the conspicuous person; we love to be associated with such,

or with a conspicuous event, even in a seventh-rate fashion,

even in the forty-seventh, if we cannot do better. This accounts

for some of our curious tastes in mementos. It accounts for the large

private trade in the Prince of Wales’s hair, which chambermaids

were able to drive in that article of commerce when the Prince made

the tour of the world in the long ago–hair which probably did

not always come from his brush, since enough of it was marketed

to refurnish a bald comet; it accounts for the fact that the rope

which lynches a negro in the presence of ten thousand Christian

spectators is salable five minutes later at two dollars and inch;

it accounts for the mournful fact that a royal personage does not

venture to wear buttons on his coat in public.

We do love a lord–and by that term I mean any person whose situation

is higher than our own. The lord of the group, for instance:

a group of peers, a group of millionaires, a group of hoodlums,

a group of sailors, a group of newsboys, a group of saloon politicians,

a group of college girls. No royal person has ever been the object

of a more delirious loyalty and slavish adoration than is paid

by the vast Tammany herd to its squalid idol in Wantage. There is

not a bifurcated animal in that menagerie that would not be proud

to appear in a newspaper picture in his company. At the same time,

there are some in that organization who would scoff at the people

who have been daily pictured in company with Prince Henry, and would

say vigorously that THEY would not consent to be photographed

with him–a statement which would not be true in any instance.

There are hundreds of people in America who would frankly say to you

that they would not be proud to be photographed in a group with

the Prince, if invited; and some of these unthinking people would

believe it when they said it; yet in no instance would it be true.

We have a large population, but we have not a large enough one,

by several millions, to furnish that man. He has not yet been begotten,

and in fact he is not begettable.

You may take any of the printed groups, and there isn’t a person

in the dim background who isn’t visibly trying to be vivid; if it

is a crowd of ten thousand–ten thousand proud, untamed democrats,

horny-handed sons of toil and of politics, and fliers of the eagle–

there isn’t one who is trying to keep out of range, there isn’t one

who isn’t plainly meditating a purchase of the paper in the morning,

with the intention of hunting himself out in the picture and of framing

and keeping it if he shall find so much of his person in it as his

starboard ear.

We all love to get some of the drippings of Conspicuousness, and we

will put up with a single, humble drip, if we can’t get any more.

We may pretend otherwise, in conversation; but we can’t pretend

it to ourselves privately–and we don’t. We do confess in public

that we are the noblest work of God, being moved to it by long habit,

and teaching, and superstition; but deep down in the secret places

of our souls we recognize that, if we ARE the noblest work, the less

said about it the better.

We of the North poke fun at the South for its fondness of titles–

a fondness for titles pure and simple, regardless of whether they

are genuine or pinchbeck. We forget that whatever a Southerner

likes the rest of the human race likes, and that there is no law of

predilection lodged in one people that is absent from another people.

There is no variety in the human race. We are all children,

all children of the one Adam, and we love toys. We can soon acquire

that Southern disease if some one will give it a start. It already

has a start, in fact. I have been personally acquainted with over

eighty-four thousand persons who, at one time or another in their lives,

have served for a year or two on the staffs of our multitudinous

governors, and through that fatality have been generals temporarily,

and colonels temporarily, and judge-advocates temporarily; but I

have known only nine among them who could be hired to let the title

go when it ceased to be legitimate. I know thousands and thousands

of governors who ceased to be governors away back in the last century;

but I am acquainted with only three who would answer your letter

if you failed to call them “Governor” in it. I know acres and acres

of men who have done time in a legislature in prehistoric days,

but among them is not half an acre whose resentment you would not

raise if you addressed them as “Mr.” instead of “Hon.” The first thing

a legislature does is to convene in an impressive legislative attitude,

and get itself photographed. Each member frames his copy and takes

it to the woods and hangs it up in the most aggressively conspicuous

place in his house; and if you visit the house and fail to inquire

what that accumulation is, the conversation will be brought around

to it by that aforetime legislator, and he will show you a figure

in it which in the course of years he has almost obliterated

with the smut of his finger-marks, and say with a solemn joy, “It’s me!”

Have you ever seen a country Congressman enter the hotel breakfast-room

in Washington with his letters?–and sit at his table and let on

to read them?–and wrinkle his brows and frown statesman-like?–

keeping a furtive watch-out over his glasses all the while to see

if he is being observed and admired?–those same old letters

which he fetches in every morning? Have you seen it? Have you

seen him show off? It is THE sight of the national capital.

Except one; a pathetic one. That is the ex-Congressman: the poor

fellow whose life has been ruined by a two-year taste of glory

and of fictitious consequence; who has been superseded, and ought

to take his heartbreak home and hide it, but cannot tear himself

away from the scene of his lost little grandeur; and so he lingers,

and still lingers, year after year, unconsidered, sometimes snubbed,

ashamed of his fallen estate, and valiantly trying to look otherwise;

dreary and depressed, but counterfeiting breeziness and gaiety,

hailing with chummy familiarity, which is not always welcomed,

the more-fortunes who are still in place and were once his mates.

Have you seen him? He clings piteously to the one little shred that

is left of his departed distinction–the “privilege of the floor”;

and works it hard and gets what he can out of it. That is the saddest

figure I know of.

Yes, we do so love our little distinctions! And then we loftily

scoff at a Prince for enjoying his larger ones; forgetting that if we

only had his chance–ah! “Senator” is not a legitimate title.

A Senator has no more right to be addressed by it than have you

or I; but, in the several state capitals and in Washington,

there are five thousand Senators who take very kindly to

that fiction, and who purr gratefully when you call them by it–

which you may do quite unrebuked. Then those same Senators smile

at the self-constructed majors and generals and judges of the South!

Indeed, we do love our distinctions, get them how we may.

And we work them for all they are worth. In prayer we call

ourselves “worms of the dust,” but it is only on a sort of tacit

understanding that the remark shall not be taken at par. WE–

worms of the dust! Oh, no, we are not that. Except in fact;

and we do not deal much in fact when we are contemplating ourselves.

As a race, we do certainly love a lord–let him be Croker, or a duke,

or a prize-fighter, or whatever other personage shall chance to be the

head of our group. Many years ago, I saw a greasy youth in overalls

standing by the HERALD office, with an expectant look in his face.

Soon a large man passed out, and gave him a pat on the shoulder.

That was what the boy was waiting for–the large man’s notice.

The pat made him proud and happy, and the exultation inside of him

shone out through his eyes; and his mates were there to see the pat

and envy it and wish they could have that glory. The boy belonged

down cellar in the press-room, the large man was king of the

upper floors, foreman of the composing-room. The light in the boy’s

face was worship, the foreman was his lord, head of his group.

The pat was an accolade. It was as precious to the boy as it would

have been if he had been an aristocrat’s son and the accolade had

been delivered by his sovereign with a sword. The quintessence

of the honor was all there; there was no difference in values;

in truth there was no difference present except an artificial one–


All the human race loves a lord–that is, loves to look upon

or be noticed by the possessor of Power or Conspicuousness;

and sometimes animals, born to better things and higher ideals,

descend to man’s level in this matter. In the Jardin des Plantes

I have see a cat that was so vain of being the personal friend

of an elephant that I was ashamed of her.



MONDAY.–This new creature with the long hair is a good deal

in the way. It is always hanging around and following me about.

I don’t like this; I am not used to company. I wish it would stay

with the other animals. . . . Cloudy today, wind in the east;

think we shall have rain. . . . WE? Where did I get that word–

the new creature uses it.

TUESDAY.–Been examining the great waterfall. It is the finest thing

on the estate, I think. The new creature calls it Niagara Falls–

why, I am sure I do not know. Says it LOOKS like Niagara Falls.

That is not a reason, it is mere waywardness and imbecility.

I get no chance to name anything myself. The new creature names

everything that comes along, before I can get in a protest.

And always that same pretext is offered–it LOOKS like the thing.

There is a dodo, for instance. Says the moment one looks at it

one sees at a glance that it “looks like a dodo.” It will have to

keep that name, no doubt. It wearies me to fret about it, and it

does no good, anyway. Dodo! It looks no more like a dodo than

I do.

WEDNESDAY.–Built me a shelter against the rain, but could not

have it to myself in peace. The new creature intruded. When I

tried to put it out it shed water out of the holes it looks with,

and wiped it away with the back of its paws, and made a noise

such as some of the other animals make when they are in distress.

I wish it would not talk; it is always talking. That sounds like a

cheap fling at the poor creature, a slur; but I do not mean it so.

I have never heard the human voice before, and any new and strange

sound intruding itself here upon the solemn hush of these dreaming

solitudes offends my ear and seems a false note. And this new sound

is so close to me; it is right at my shoulder, right at my ear,

first on one side and then on the other, and I am used only to sounds

that are more or less distant from me.

FRIDAY. The naming goes recklessly on, in spite of anything I can do.

I had a very good name for the estate, and it was musical and pretty–

GARDEN OF EDEN. Privately, I continue to call it that, but not any

longer publicly. The new creature says it is all woods and rocks

and scenery, and therefore has no resemblance to a garden. Says it

LOOKS like a park, and does not look like anything BUT a park.

Consequently, without consulting me, it has been new-named NIAGARA

FALLS PARK. This is sufficiently high-handed, it seems to me.

And already there is a sign up:



My life is not as happy as it was.

SATURDAY.–The new creature eats too much fruit. We are going

to run short, most likely. “We” again–that is ITS word; mine, too,

now, from hearing it so much. Good deal of fog this morning.

I do not go out in the fog myself. This new creature does.

It goes out in all weathers, and stumps right in with its muddy feet.

And talks. It used to be so pleasant and quiet here.

SUNDAY.–Pulled through. This day is getting to be more and more trying.

It was selected and set apart last November as a day of rest.

I had already six of them per week before. This morning found

the new creature trying to clod apples out of that forbidden tree.

MONDAY.–The new creature says its name is Eve. That is all right,

I have no objections. Says it is to call it by, when I want it

to come. I said it was superfluous, then. The word evidently

raised me in its respect; and indeed it is a large, good word

and will bear repetition. It says it is not an It, it is a She.

This is probably doubtful; yet it is all one to me; what she is were

nothing to me if she would but go by herself and not talk.

TUESDAY.–She has littered the whole estate with execrable names

and offensive signs:

This way to the Whirlpool

This way to Goat Island

Cave of the Winds this way

She says this park would make a tidy summer resort if there was

any custom for it. Summer resort–another invention of hers–

just words, without any meaning. What is a summer resort?

But it is best not to ask her, she has such a rage for explaining.

FRIDAY.–She has taken to beseeching me to stop going over the Falls.

What harm does it do? Says it makes her shudder. I wonder why;

I have always done it–always liked the plunge, and coolness.

I supposed it was what the Falls were for. They have no other

use that I can see, and they must have been made for something.

She says they were only made for scenery–like the rhinoceros and

the mastodon.

I went over the Falls in a barrel–not satisfactory to her.

Went over in a tub–still not satisfactory. Swam the Whirlpool and

the Rapids in a fig-leaf suit. It got much damaged. Hence, tedious

complaints about my extravagance. I am too much hampered here.

What I need is a change of scene.

SATURDAY.–I escaped last Tuesday night, and traveled two days,

and built me another shelter in a secluded place, and obliterated my

tracks as well as I could, but she hunted me out by means of a beast

which she has tamed and calls a wolf, and came making that pitiful

noise again, and shedding that water out of the places she looks with.

I was obliged to return with her, but will presently emigrate again

when occasion offers. She engages herself in many foolish things;

among others; to study out why the animals called lions and tigers

live on grass and flowers, when, as she says, the sort of teeth they

wear would indicate that they were intended to eat each other.

This is foolish, because to do that would be to kill each other,

and that would introduce what, as I understand, is called “death”;

and death, as I have been told, has not yet entered the Park.

Which is a pity, on some accounts.

SUNDAY.–Pulled through.

MONDAY.–I believe I see what the week is for: it is to give time

to rest up from the weariness of Sunday. It seems a good idea.

. . . She has been climbing that tree again. Clodded her out of it.

She said nobody was looking. Seems to consider that a sufficient

justification for chancing any dangerous thing. Told her that.

The word justification moved her admiration–and envy, too, I thought.

It is a good word.

TUESDAY.–She told me she was made out of a rib taken from my body.

This is at least doubtful, if not more than that. I have not

missed any rib. . . . She is in much trouble about the buzzard;

says grass does not agree with it; is afraid she can’t raise it;

thinks it was intended to live on decayed flesh. The buzzard must

get along the best it can with what is provided. We cannot overturn

the whole scheme to accommodate the buzzard.

SATURDAY.–She fell in the pond yesterday when she was looking at

herself in it, which she is always doing. She nearly strangled,

and said it was most uncomfortable. This made her sorry for the

creatures which live in there, which she calls fish, for she continues

to fasten names on to things that don’t need them and don’t come

when they are called by them, which is a matter of no consequence

to her, she is such a numbskull, anyway; so she got a lot of them out

and brought them in last night and put them in my bed to keep warm,

but I have noticed them now and then all day and I don’t see that

they are any happier there then they were before, only quieter.

When night comes I shall throw them outdoors. I will not sleep

with them again, for I find them clammy and unpleasant to lie among

when a person hasn’t anything on.

SUNDAY.–Pulled through.

TUESDAY.–She has taken up with a snake now. The other animals are glad,

for she was always experimenting with them and bothering them;

and I am glad because the snake talks, and this enables me to get

a rest.

FRIDAY.–She says the snake advises her to try the fruit of the tree,

and says the result will be a great and fine and noble education.

I told her there would be another result, too–it would introduce

death into the world. That was a mistake–it had been better

to keep the remark to myself; it only gave her an idea–she could

save the sick buzzard, and furnish fresh meat to the despondent

lions and tigers. I advised her to keep away from the tree.

She said she wouldn’t. I foresee trouble. Will emigrate.

WEDNESDAY.–I have had a variegated time. I escaped last night,

and rode a horse all night as fast as he could go, hoping to get

clear of the Park and hide in some other country before the

trouble should begin; but it was not to be. About an hour after

sun-up, as I was riding through a flowery plain where thousands

of animals were grazing, slumbering, or playing with each other,

according to their wont, all of a sudden they broke into a tempest

of frightful noises, and in one moment the plain was a frantic commotion

and every beast was destroying its neighbor. I knew what it meant–

Eve had eaten that fruit, and death was come into the world.

. . . The tigers ate my house, paying no attention when I ordered

them to desist, and they would have eaten me if I had stayed–

which I didn’t, but went away in much haste. . . . I found this place,

outside the Park, and was fairly comfortable for a few days, but she

has found me out. Found me out, and has named the place Tonawanda–

says it LOOKS like that. In fact I was not sorry she came,

for there are but meager pickings here, and she brought some

of those apples. I was obliged to eat them, I was so hungry.

It was against my principles, but I find that principles have no

real force except when one is well fed. . . . She came curtained

in boughs and bunches of leaves, and when I asked her what she

meant by such nonsense, and snatched them away and threw them down,

she tittered and blushed. I had never seen a person titter

and blush before, and to me it seemed unbecoming and idiotic.

She said I would soon know how it was myself. This was correct.

Hungry as I was, I laid down the apple half-eaten–certainly the

best one I ever saw, considering the lateness of the season–

and arrayed myself in the discarded boughs and branches, and then

spoke to her with some severity and ordered her to go and get some

more and not make a spectacle or herself. She did it, and after this

we crept down to where the wild-beast battle had been, and collected

some skins, and I made her patch together a couple of suits proper

for public occasions. They are uncomfortable, it is true, but stylish,

and that is the main point about clothes. . . . I find she is a

good deal of a companion. I see I should be lonesome and depressed

without her, now that I have lost my property. Another thing,

she says it is ordered that we work for our living hereafter.

She will be useful. I will superintend.

TEN DAYS LATER.–She accuses ME of being the cause of our disaster!

She says, with apparent sincerity and truth, that the Serpent assured

her that the forbidden fruit was not apples, it was chestnuts.

I said I was innocent, then, for I had not eaten any chestnuts.

She said the Serpent informed her that “chestnut” was a figurative

term meaning an aged and moldy joke. I turned pale at that,

for I have made many jokes to pass the weary time, and some of them

could have been of that sort, though I had honestly supposed

that they were new when I made them. She asked me if I had made

one just at the time of the catastrophe. I was obliged to admit

that I had made one to myself, though not aloud. It was this.

I was thinking about the Falls, and I said to myself, “How wonderful

it is to see that vast body of water tumble down there!”

Then in an instant a bright thought flashed into my head, and I let

it fly, saying, “It would be a deal more wonderful to see it tumble

UP there!”–and I was just about to kill myself with laughing at

it when all nature broke loose in war and death and I had to flee

for my life. “There,” she said, with triumph, “that is just it;

the Serpent mentioned that very jest, and called it the First Chestnut,

and said it was coeval with the creation.” Alas, I am indeed

to blame. Would that I were not witty; oh, that I had never had

that radiant thought!

NEXT YEAR.–We have named it Cain. She caught it while I was up country

trapping on the North Shore of the Erie; caught it in the timber a

couple of miles from our dug-out–or it might have been four, she isn’t

certain which. It resembles us in some ways, and may be a relation.

That is what she thinks, but this is an error, in my judgment.

The difference in size warrants the conclusion that it is a different

and new kind of animal–a fish, perhaps, though when I put it in the

water to see, it sank, and she plunged in and snatched it out before

there was opportunity for the experiment to determine the matter.

I still think it is a fish, but she is indifferent about what it is,

and will not let me have it to try. I do not understand this.

The coming of the creature seems to have changed her whole nature

and made her unreasonable about experiments. She thinks more

of it than she does of any of the other animals, but is not able

to explain why. Her mind is disordered–everything shows it.

Sometimes she carries the fish in her arms half the night when it

complains and wants to get to the water. At such times the water

comes out of the places in her face that she looks out of, and she

pats the fish on the back and makes soft sounds with her mouth

to soothe it, and betrays sorrow and solicitude in a hundred ways.

I have never seen her do like this with any other fish, and it

troubles me greatly. She used to carry the young tigers around so,

and play with them, before we lost our property, but it was only play;

she never took on about them like this when their dinner disagreed

with them.

SUNDAY.–She doesn’t work, Sundays, but lies around all tired out,

and likes to have the fish wallow over her; and she makes fool

noises to amuse it, and pretends to chew its paws, and that makes

it laugh. I have not seen a fish before that could laugh.

This makes me doubt. . . . I have come to like Sunday myself.

Superintending all the week tires a body so. There ought to be

more Sundays. In the old days they were tough, but now they

come handy.

WEDNESDAY.–It isn’t a fish. I cannot quite make out what it is.

It makes curious devilish noises when not satisfied, and says “goo-goo”

when it is. It is not one of us, for it doesn’t walk; it is not

a bird, for it doesn’t fly; it is not a frog, for it doesn’t hop;

it is not a snake, for it doesn’t crawl; I feel sure it is not a fish,

though I cannot get a chance to find out whether it can swim or not.

It merely lies around, and mostly on its back, with its feet up.

I have not seen any other animal do that before. I said I believed it

was an enigma; but she only admired the word without understanding it.

In my judgment it is either an enigma or some king of a bug.

If it dies, I will take it apart and see what its arrangements are.

I never had a thing perplex me so.

THREE MONTHS LATER.–The perplexity augments instead of diminishing.

I sleep but little. It has ceased from lying around, and goes about on

its four legs now. Yet it differs from the other four legged animals,

in that its front legs are unusually short, consequently this

causes the main part of its person to stick up uncomfortably high

in the air, and this is not attractive. It is built much as we are,

but its method of traveling shows that it is not of our breed.

The short front legs and long hind ones indicate that it is a of

the kangaroo family, but it is a marked variation of that species,

since the true kangaroo hops, whereas this one never does.

Still it is a curious and interesting variety, and has not been

catalogued before. As I discovered it, I have felt justified

in securing the credit of the discovery by attaching my name to it,

and hence have called it KANGAROORUM ADAMIENSIS. . . . It must have

been a young one when it came, for it has grown exceedingly since.

It must be five times as big, now, as it was then, and when

discontented it is able to make from twenty-two to thirty-eight times

the noise it made at first. Coercion does not modify this, but has

the contrary effect. For this reason I discontinued the system.

She reconciles it by persuasion, and by giving it things which she

had previously told me she wouldn’t give it. As already observed,

I was not at home when it first came, and she told me she found it

in the woods. It seems odd that it should be the only one, yet it

must be so, for I have worn myself out these many weeks trying to find

another one to add to my collection, and for this to play with;

for surely then it would be quieter and we could tame it more easily.

But I find none, nor any vestige of any; and strangest of all,

no tracks. It has to live on the ground, it cannot help itself;

therefore, how does it get about without leaving a track?

I have set a dozen traps, but they do no good. I catch all small

animals except that one; animals that merely go into the trap out

of curiosity, I think, to see what the milk is there for. They never

drink it.

THREE MONTHS LATER.–The Kangaroo still continues to grow, which is

very strange and perplexing. I never knew one to be so long getting

its growth. It has fur on its head now; not like kangaroo fur,

but exactly like our hair except that it is much finer and softer,

and instead of being black is red. I am like to lose my mind over

the capricious and harassing developments of this unclassifiable

zoological freak. If I could catch another one–but that is hopeless;

it is a new variety, and the only sample; this is plain. But I

caught a true kangaroo and brought it in, thinking that this one,

being lonesome, would rather have that for company than have no kin

at all, or any animal it could feel a nearness to or get sympathy

from in its forlorn condition here among strangers who do not

know its ways or habits, or what to do to make it feel that it

is among friends; but it was a mistake–it went into such fits at

the sight of the kangaroo that I was convinced it had never seen

one before. I pity the poor noisy little animal, but there is

nothing I can do to make it happy. If I could tame it–but that is

out of the question; the more I try the worse I seem to make it.

It grieves me to the heart to see it in its little storms of sorrow

and passion. I wanted to let it go, but she wouldn’t hear of it.

That seemed cruel and not like her; and yet she may be right.

It might be lonelier than ever; for since I cannot find another one,

how could IT?

FIVE MONTHS LATER.–It is not a kangaroo. No, for it supports

itself by holding to her finger, and thus goes a few steps on its

hind legs, and then falls down. It is probably some kind of a bear;

and yet it has no tail–as yet–and no fur, except upon its head.

It still keeps on growing–that is a curious circumstance,

for bears get their growth earlier than this. Bears are dangerous–

since our catastrophe–and I shall not be satisfied to have this

one prowling about the place much longer without a muzzle on.

I have offered to get her a kangaroo if she would let this one go,

but it did no good–she is determined to run us into all sorts

of foolish risks, I think. She was not like this before she lost

her mind.

A FORTNIGHT LATER.–I examined its mouth. There is no danger yet:

it has only one tooth. It has no tail yet. It makes more noise

now than it ever did before–and mainly at night. I have moved out.

But I shall go over, mornings, to breakfast, and see if it has

more teeth. If it gets a mouthful of teeth it will be time for it

to go, tail or no tail, for a bear does not need a tail in order to

be dangerous.

FOUR MONTHS LATER.–I have been off hunting and fishing a month,

up in the region that she calls Buffalo; I don’t know why, unless it

is because there are not any buffaloes there. Meantime the bear

has learned to paddle around all by itself on its hind legs,

and says “poppa” and “momma.” It is certainly a new species.

This resemblance to words may be purely accidental, of course,

and may have no purpose or meaning; but even in that case it is

still extraordinary, and is a thing which no other bear can do.

This imitation of speech, taken together with general absence of fur

and entire absence of tail, sufficiently indicates that this is a new

kind of bear. The further study of it will be exceedingly interesting.

Meantime I will go off on a far expedition among the forests of

the north and make an exhaustive search. There must certainly be

another one somewhere, and this one will be less dangerous when it

has company of its own species. I will go straightway; but I will

muzzle this one first.

THREE MONTHS LATER.–It has been a weary, weary hunt, yet I have

had no success. In the mean time, without stirring from the

home estate, she has caught another one! I never saw such luck.

I might have hunted these woods a hundred years, I never would

have run across that thing.

NEXT DAY.–I have been comparing the new one with the old one,

and it is perfectly plain that they are of the same breed.

I was going to stuff one of them for my collection, but she

is prejudiced against it for some reason or other; so I have

relinquished the idea, though I think it is a mistake. It would

be an irreparable loss to science if they should get away.

The old one is tamer than it was and can laugh and talk like a parrot,

having learned this, no doubt, from being with the parrot so much,

and having the imitative faculty in a high developed degree.

I shall be astonished if it turns out to be a new kind of parrot;

and yet I ought not to be astonished, for it has already been

everything else it could think of since those first days when it

was a fish. The new one is as ugly as the old one was at first;

has the same sulphur-and-raw-meat complexion and the same singular

head without any fur on it. She calls it Abel.

TEN YEARS LATER.–They are BOYS; we found it out long ago.

It was their coming in that small immature shape that puzzled us;

we were not used to it. There are some girls now. Abel is a good boy,

but if Cain had stayed a bear it would have improved him. After all

these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning;

it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it

without her. At first I thought she talked too much; but now I should

be sorry to have that voice fall silent and pass out of my life.

Blessed be the chestnut that brought us near together and taught me

to know the goodness of her heart and the sweetness of her spirit!



Translated from the Original

SATURDAY.–I am almost a whole day old, now. I arrived yesterday.

That is as it seems to me. And it must be so, for if there was

a day-before-yesterday I was not there when it happened, or I

should remember it. It could be, of course, that it did happen,

and that I was not noticing. Very well; I will be very watchful now,

and if any day-before-yesterdays happen I will make a note of it.

It will be best to start right and not let the record get confused,

for some instinct tells me that these details are going to be

important to the historian some day. For I feel like an experiment,

I feel exactly like an experiment; it would be impossible for a person

to feel more like an experiment than I do, and so I am coming to feel

convinced that that is what I AM–an experiment; just an experiment,

and nothing more.

Then if I am an experiment, am I the whole of it? No, I think not;

I think the rest of it is part of it. I am the main part of it,

but I think the rest of it has its share in the matter. Is my

position assured, or do I have to watch it and take care of it?

The latter, perhaps. Some instinct tells me that eternal vigilance

is the price of supremacy. [That is a good phrase, I think, for one

so young.]

Everything looks better today than it did yesterday. In the rush of

finishing up yesterday, the mountains were left in a ragged condition,

and some of the plains were so cluttered with rubbish and remnants

that the aspects were quite distressing. Noble and beautiful works

of art should not be subjected to haste; and this majestic new world

is indeed a most noble and beautiful work. And certainly marvelously

near to being perfect, notwithstanding the shortness of the time.

There are too many stars in some places and not enough in others,

but that can be remedied presently, no doubt. The moon got

loose last night, and slid down and fell out of the scheme–

a very great loss; it breaks my heart to think of it. There isn’t

another thing among the ornaments and decorations that is comparable

to it for beauty and finish. It should have been fastened better.

If we can only get it back again–

But of course there is no telling where it went to. And besides,

whoever gets it will hide it; I know it because I would do it myself.

I believe I can be honest in all other matters, but I already

begin to realize that the core and center of my nature is love

of the beautiful, a passion for the beautiful, and that it would

not be safe to trust me with a moon that belonged to another person

and that person didn’t know I had it. I could give up a moon that I

found in the daytime, because I should be afraid some one was looking;

but if I found it in the dark, I am sure I should find some kind

of an excuse for not saying anything about it. For I do love moons,

they are so pretty and so romantic. I wish we had five or six;

I would never go to bed; I should never get tired lying on the moss-bank

and looking up at them.

Stars are good, too. I wish I could get some to put in my hair.

But I suppose I never can. You would be surprised to find how far

off they are, for they do not look it. When they first showed,

last night, I tried to knock some down with a pole, but it didn’t reach,

which astonished me; then I tried clods till I was all tired out,

but I never got one. It was because I am left-handed and cannot

throw good. Even when I aimed at the one I wasn’t after I

couldn’t hit the other one, though I did make some close shots,

for I saw the black blot of the clod sail right into the midst of

the golden clusters forty or fifty times, just barely missing them,

and if I could have held out a little longer maybe I could have

got one.

So I cried a little, which was natural, I suppose, for one of my age,

and after I was rested I got a basket and started for a place on the

extreme rim of the circle, where the stars were close to the ground

and I could get them with my hands, which would be better, anyway,

because I could gather them tenderly then, and not break them.

But it was farther than I thought, and at last I had go give it up;

I was so tired I couldn’t drag my feet another step; and besides,

they were sore and hurt me very much.

I couldn’t get back home; it was too far and turning cold;

but I found some tigers and nestled in among them and was most

adorably comfortable, and their breath was sweet and pleasant,

because they live on strawberries. I had never seen a tiger before,

but I knew them in a minute by the stripes. If I could have one

of those skins, it would make a lovely gown.

Today I am getting better ideas about distances. I was so eager

to get hold of every pretty thing that I giddily grabbed for it,

sometimes when it was too far off, and sometimes when it was but

six inches away but seemed a foot–alas, with thorns between!

I learned a lesson; also I made an axiom, all out of my own head–


I think it is a very good one for one so young.

I followed the other Experiment around, yesterday afternoon,

at a distance, to see what it might be for, if I could. But I was

not able to make out. I think it is a man. I had never seen a man,

but it looked like one, and I feel sure that that is what it is.

I realize that I feel more curiosity about it than about any

of the other reptiles. If it is a reptile, and I suppose it is;

for it has frowzy hair and blue eyes, and looks like a reptile.

It has no hips; it tapers like a carrot; when it stands, it spreads

itself apart like a derrick; so I think it is a reptile, though it may

be architecture.

I was afraid of it at first, and started to run every time it

turned around, for I thought it was going to chase me; but by

and by I found it was only trying to get away, so after that I

was not timid any more, but tracked it along, several hours,

about twenty yards behind, which made it nervous and unhappy.

At last it was a good deal worried, and climbed a tree. I waited

a good while, then gave it up and went home.

Today the same thing over. I’ve got it up the tree again.

SUNDAY.–It is up there yet. Resting, apparently. But that is

a subterfuge: Sunday isn’t the day of rest; Saturday is appointed

for that. It looks to me like a creature that is more interested

in resting than it anything else. It would tire me to rest so much.

It tires me just to sit around and watch the tree. I do wonder

what it is for; I never see it do anything.

They returned the moon last night, and I was SO happy! I think

it is very honest of them. It slid down and fell off again,

but I was not distressed; there is no need to worry when one has

that kind of neighbors; they will fetch it back. I wish I could

do something to show my appreciation. I would like to send them

some stars, for we have more than we can use. I mean I, not we,

for I can see that the reptile cares nothing for such things.

It has low tastes, and is not kind. When I went there yesterday

evening in the gloaming it had crept down and was trying to catch

the little speckled fishes that play in the pool, and I had

to clod it to make it go up the tree again and let them alone.

I wonder if THAT is what it is for? Hasn’t it any heart?

Hasn’t it any compassion for those little creature? Can it be

that it was designed and manufactured for such ungentle work?

It has the look of it. One of the clods took it back of the ear,

and it used language. It gave me a thrill, for it was the first time I

had ever heard speech, except my own. I did not understand the words,

but they seemed expressive.

When I found it could talk I felt a new interest in it, for I

love to talk; I talk, all day, and in my sleep, too, and I am

very interesting, but if I had another to talk to I could be twice

as interesting, and would never stop, if desired.

If this reptile is a man, it isn’t an IT, is it? That wouldn’t

be grammatical, would it? I think it would be HE. I think so.

In that case one would parse it thus: nominative, HE; dative, HIM;

possessive, HIS’N. Well, I will consider it a man and call it he

until it turns out to be something else. This will be handier

than having so many uncertainties.

NEXT WEEK SUNDAY.–All the week I tagged around after him and tried

to get acquainted. I had to do the talking, because he was shy,

but I didn’t mind it. He seemed pleased to have me around, and I

used the sociable “we” a good deal, because it seemed to flatter him

to be included.

WEDNESDAY.–We are getting along very well indeed, now, and getting

better and better acquainted. He does not try to avoid me any more,

which is a good sign, and shows that he likes to have me with him.

That pleases me, and I study to be useful to him in every way I can,

so as to increase his regard. During the last day or two I

have taken all the work of naming things off his hands, and this

has been a great relief to him, for he has no gift in that line,

and is evidently very grateful. He can’t think of a rational name

to save him, but I do not let him see that I am aware of his defect.

Whenever a new creature comes along I name it before he has time

to expose himself by an awkward silence. In this way I have

saved him many embarrassments. I have no defect like this.

The minute I set eyes on an animal I know what it is. I don’t

have to reflect a moment; the right name comes out instantly,

just as if it were an inspiration, as no doubt it is, for I am

sure it wasn’t in me half a minute before. I seem to know just

by the shape of the creature and the way it acts what animal

it is.

When the dodo came along he thought it was a wildcat–I saw it

in his eye. But I saved him. And I was careful not to do it

in a way that could hurt his pride. I just spoke up in a quite

natural way of pleasing surprise, and not as if I was dreaming

of conveying information, and said, “Well, I do declare, if there

isn’t the dodo!” I explained–without seeming to be explaining–

how I know it for a dodo, and although I thought maybe he was

a little piqued that I knew the creature when he didn’t, it was

quite evident that he admired me. That was very agreeable, and I

thought of it more than once with gratification before I slept.

How little a thing can make us happy when we feel that we have

earned it!

THURSDAY.–my first sorrow. Yesterday he avoided me and seemed

to wish I would not talk to him. I could not believe it,

and thought there was some mistake, for I loved to be with him,

and loved to hear him talk, and so how could it be that he could

feel unkind toward me when I had not done anything? But at last it

seemed true, so I went away and sat lonely in the place where I first

saw him the morning that we were made and I did not know what he

was and was indifferent about him; but now it was a mournful place,

and every little think spoke of him, and my heart was very sore.

I did not know why very clearly, for it was a new feeling; I had

not experienced it before, and it was all a mystery, and I could

not make it out.

But when night came I could not bear the lonesomeness, and went

to the new shelter which he has built, to ask him what I had done

that was wrong and how I could mend it and get back his kindness again;

but he put me out in the rain, and it was my first sorrow.

SUNDAY.–It is pleasant again, now, and I am happy; but those were

heavy days; I do not think of them when I can help it.

I tried to get him some of those apples, but I cannot learn to

throw straight. I failed, but I think the good intention pleased him.

They are forbidden, and he says I shall come to harm; but so I

come to harm through pleasing him, why shall I care for that harm?

MONDAY.–This morning I told him my name, hoping it would interest him.

But he did not care for it. It is strange. If he should tell me

his name, I would care. I think it would be pleasanter in my ears

than any other sound.

He talks very little. Perhaps it is because he is not bright,

and is sensitive about it and wishes to conceal it. It is

such a pity that he should feel so, for brightness is nothing;

it is in the heart that the values lie. I wish I could make him

understand that a loving good heart is riches, and riches enough,

and that without it intellect is poverty.

Although he talks so little, he has quite a considerable

vocabulary. This morning he used a surprisingly good word.

He evidently recognized, himself, that it was a good one, for he

worked in in twice afterward, casually. It was good casual art,

still it showed that he possesses a certain quality of perception.

Without a doubt that seed can be made to grow, if cultivated.

Where did he get that word? I do not think I have ever used it.

No, he took no interest in my name. I tried to hide my disappointment,

but I suppose I did not succeed. I went away and sat on the

moss-bank with my feet in the water. It is where I go when I hunger

for companionship, some one to look at, some one to talk to.

It is not enough–that lovely white body painted there in the pool–

but it is something, and something is better than utter loneliness.

It talks when I talk; it is sad when I am sad; it comforts me with

its sympathy; it says, “Do not be downhearted, you poor friendless girl;

I will be your friend.” It IS a good friend to me, and my only one;

it is my sister.

That first time that she forsook me! ah, I shall never forget that–

never, never. My heart was lead in my body! I said, “She was all

I had, and now she is gone!” In my despair I said, “Break, my heart;

I cannot bear my life any more!” and hid my face in my hands,

and there was no solace for me. And when I took them away,

after a little, there she was again, white and shining and beautiful,

and I sprang into her arms!

That was perfect happiness; I had known happiness before, but it was

not like this, which was ecstasy. I never doubted her afterward.

Sometimes she stayed away–maybe an hour, maybe almost the

whole day, but I waited and did not doubt; I said, “She is busy,

or she is gone on a journey, but she will come.” And it was so:

she always did. At night she would not come if it was dark, for she

was a timid little thing; but if there was a moon she would come.

I am not afraid of the dark, but she is younger than I am; she was

born after I was. Many and many are the visits I have paid her;

she is my comfort and my refuge when my life is hard–and it is

mainly that.

TUESDAY.–All the morning I was at work improving the estate;

and I purposely kept away from him in the hope that he would get

lonely and come. But he did not.

At noon I stopped for the day and took my recreation by flitting all

about with the bees and the butterflies and reveling in the flowers,

those beautiful creatures that catch the smile of God out of the

sky and preserve it! I gathered them, and made them into wreaths

and garlands and clothed myself in them while I ate my luncheon–

apples, of course; then I sat in the shade and wished and waited.

But he did not come.

But no matter. Nothing would have come of it, for he does not

care for flowers. He called them rubbish, and cannot tell one

from another, and thinks it is superior to feel like that. He does

not care for me, he does not care for flowers, he does not care

for the painted sky at eventide–is there anything he does care for,

except building shacks to coop himself up in from the good clean rain,

and thumping the melons, and sampling the grapes, and fingering

the fruit on the trees, to see how those properties are coming along?

I laid a dry stick on the ground and tried to bore a hole in it

with another one, in order to carry out a scheme that I had,

and soon I got an awful fright. A thin, transparent bluish film

rose out of the hole, and I dropped everything and ran! I thought

it was a spirit, and I WAS so frightened! But I looked back, and it

was not coming; so I leaned against a rock and rested and panted,

and let my limps go on trembling until they got steady again;

then I crept warily back, alert, watching, and ready to fly if there

was occasion; and when I was come near, I parted the branches

of a rose-bush and peeped through–wishing the man was about,

I was looking so cunning and pretty–but the sprite was gone.

I went there, and there was a pinch of delicate pink dust in the hole.

I put my finger in, to feel it, and said OUCH! and took it

out again. It was a cruel pain. I put my finger in my mouth;

and by standing first on one foot and then the other, and grunting,

I presently eased my misery; then I was full of interest, and began

to examine.

I was curious to know what the pink dust was. Suddenly the name of it

occurred to me, though I had never heard of it before. It was FIRE!

I was as certain of it as a person could be of anything in the world.

So without hesitation I named it that–fire.

I had created something that didn’t exist before; I had added

a new thing to the world’s uncountable properties; I realized this,

and was proud of my achievement, and was going to run and find him

and tell him about it, thinking to raise myself in his esteem–

but I reflected, and did not do it. No–he would not care for it.

He would ask what it was good for, and what could I answer? for if it

was not GOOD for something, but only beautiful, merely beautiful–

So I sighed, and did not go. For it wasn’t good for anything;

it could not build a shack, it could not improve melons, it could

not hurry a fruit crop; it was useless, it was a foolishness

and a vanity; he would despise it and say cutting words.

But to me it was not despicable; I said, “Oh, you fire, I love you,

you dainty pink creature, for you are BEAUTIFUL–and that is enough!”

and was going to gather it to my breast. But refrained.

Then I made another maxim out of my head, though it was so nearly

like the first one that I was afraid it was only a plagiarism:


I wrought again; and when I had made a good deal of fire-dust I emptied

it into a handful of dry brown grass, intending to carry it home

and keep it always and play with it; but the wind struck it and it

sprayed up and spat out at me fiercely, and I dropped it and ran.

When I looked back the blue spirit was towering up and stretching

and rolling away like a cloud, and instantly I thought of the name

of it–SMOKE!–though, upon my word, I had never heard of smoke before.

Soon brilliant yellow and red flares shot up through the smoke,

and I named them in an instant–FLAMES–and I was right, too,

though these were the very first flames that had ever been

in the world. They climbed the trees, then flashed splendidly

in and out of the vast and increasing volume of tumbling smoke,

and I had to clap my hands and laugh and dance in my rapture,

it was so new and strange and so wonderful and so beautiful!

He came running, and stopped and gazed, and said not a word for

many minutes. Then he asked what it was. Ah, it was too bad that he

should ask such a direct question. I had to answer it, of course,

and I did. I said it was fire. If it annoyed him that I should know

and he must ask; that was not my fault; I had no desire to annoy him.

After a pause he asked:

“How did it come?”

Another direct question, and it also had to have a direct answer.

“I made it.”

The fire was traveling farther and farther off. He went to the edge

of the burned place and stood looking down, and said:

“What are these?”


He picked up one to examine it, but changed his mind and put it

down again. Then he went away. NOTHING interests him.

But I was interested. There were ashes, gray and soft and delicate

and pretty–I knew what they were at once. And the embers;

I knew the embers, too. I found my apples, and raked them out,

and was glad; for I am very young and my appetite is active.

But I was disappointed; they were all burst open and spoiled.

Spoiled apparently; but it was not so; they were better than raw ones.

Fire is beautiful; some day it will be useful, I think.

FRIDAY.–I saw him again, for a moment, last Monday at nightfall,

but only for a moment. I was hoping he would praise me for trying

to improve the estate, for I had meant well and had worked hard.

But he was not pleased, and turned away and left me. He was also

displeased on another account: I tried once more to persuade him

to stop going over the Falls. That was because the fire had revealed

to me a new passion–quite new, and distinctly different from love,

grief, and those others which I had already discovered–FEAR. And it

is horrible!–I wish I had never discovered it; it gives me dark moments,

it spoils my happiness, it makes me shiver and tremble and shudder.

But I could not persuade him, for he has not discovered fear yet,

and so he could not understand me.

Extract from Adam’s Diary

Perhaps I ought to remember that she is very young, a mere girl and

make allowances. She is all interest, eagerness, vivacity, the world

is to her a charm, a wonder, a mystery, a joy; she can’t speak for

delight when she finds a new flower, she must pet it and caress it

and smell it and talk to it, and pour out endearing names upon it.

And she is color-mad: brown rocks, yellow sand, gray moss, green foliage,

blue sky; the pearl of the dawn, the purple shadows on the mountains,

the golden islands floating in crimson seas at sunset, the pallid moon

sailing through the shredded cloud-rack, the star-jewels glittering

in the wastes of space–none of them is of any practical value,

so far as I can see, but because they have color and majesty,

that is enough for her, and she loses her mind over them.

If she could quiet down and keep still a couple minutes at a time,

it would be a reposeful spectacle. In that case I think I could

enjoy looking at her; indeed I am sure I could, for I am coming

to realize that she is a quite remarkably comely creature–

lithe, slender, trim, rounded, shapely, nimble, graceful; and once

when she was standing marble-white and sun-drenched on a boulder,

with her young head tilted back and her hand shading her eyes,

watching the flight of a bird in the sky, I recognized that she

was beautiful.

MONDAY NOON.–If there is anything on the planet that she is not

interested in it is not in my list. There are animals that I am

indifferent to, but it is not so with her. She has no discrimination,

she takes to all of them, she thinks they are all treasures,

every new one is welcome.

When the mighty brontosaurus came striding into camp, she regarded

it as an acquisition, I considered it a calamity; that is a good

sample of the lack of harmony that prevails in our views of things.

She wanted to domesticate it, I wanted to make it a present of the

homestead and move out. She believed it could be tamed by kind

treatment and would be a good pet; I said a pet twenty-one feet

high and eight-four feet long would be no proper thing to have

about the place, because, even with the best intentions and without

meaning any harm, it could sit down on the house and mash it,

for any one could see by the look of its eye that it was absent-minded.

Still, her heart was set upon having that monster, and she

couldn’t give it up. She thought we could start a dairy with it,

and wanted me to help milk it; but I wouldn’t; it was too risky.

The sex wasn’t right, and we hadn’t any ladder anyway. Then she

wanted to ride it, and look at the scenery. Thirty or forty feet

of its tail was lying on the ground, like a fallen tree, and she

thought she could climb it, but she was mistaken; when she got

to the steep place it was too slick and down she came, and would

have hurt herself but for me.

Was she satisfied now? No. Nothing ever satisfies her but demonstration;

untested theories are not in her line, and she won’t have them.

It is the right spirit, I concede it; it attracts me; I feel the

influence of it; if I were with her more I think I should take it

up myself. Well, she had one theory remaining about this colossus:

she thought that if we could tame it and make him friendly we could

stand in the river and use him for a bridge. It turned out that he

was already plenty tame enough–at least as far as she was concerned–

so she tried her theory, but it failed: every time she got him

properly placed in the river and went ashore to cross over him,

he came out and followed her around like a pet mountain. Like the

other animals. They all do that.

FRIDAY.–Tuesday–Wednesday–Thursday–and today: all without

seeing him. It is a long time to be alone; still, it is better

to be alone than unwelcome.

I HAD to have company–I was made for it, I think–so I made

friends with the animals. They are just charming, and they have

the kindest disposition and the politest ways; they never look sour,

they never let you feel that you are intruding, they smile at you

and wag their tail, if they’ve got one, and they are always ready

for a romp or an excursion or anything you want to propose.

I think they are perfect gentlemen. All these days we have had such

good times, and it hasn’t been lonesome for me, ever. Lonesome! No,

I should say not. Why, there’s always a swarm of them around–

sometimes as much as four or five acres–you can’t count them;

and when you stand on a rock in the midst and look out over the

furry expanse it is so mottled and splashed and gay with color

and frisking sheen and sun-flash, and so rippled with stripes,

that you might think it was a lake, only you know it isn’t;

and there’s storms of sociable birds, and hurricanes of whirring wings;

and when the sun strikes all that feathery commotion, you have a blazing

up of all the colors you can think of, enough to put your eyes out.

We have made long excursions, and I have see a great deal of the world;

almost all of it, I think; and so I am the first traveler,

and the only one. When we are on the march, it is an imposing sight–

there’s nothing like it anywhere. For comfort I ride a tiger

or a leopard, because it is soft and has a round back that fits me,

and because they are such pretty animals; but for long distance

or for scenery I ride the elephant. He hoists me up with his trunk,

but I can get off myself; when we are ready to camp, he sits and I

slide down the back way.

The birds and animals are all friendly to each other, and there

are no disputes about anything. They all talk, and they all talk

to me, but it must be a foreign language, for I cannot make out

a word they say; yet they often understand me when I talk back,

particularly the dog and the elephant. It makes me ashamed.

It shows that they are brighter than I am, for I want to be the

principal Experiment myself–and I intend to be, too.

I have learned a number of things, and am educated, now, but I

wasn’t at first. I was ignorant at first. At first it used to vex

me because, with all my watching, I was never smart enough to be

around when the water was running uphill; but now I do not mind it.

I have experimented and experimented until now I know it never

does run uphill, except in the dark. I know it does in the dark,

because the pool never goes dry, which it would, of course,

if the water didn’t come back in the night. It is best to prove

things by actual experiment; then you KNOW; whereas if you depend

on guessing and supposing and conjecturing, you never get educated.

Some things you CAN’T find out; but you will never know you can’t

by guessing and supposing: no, you have to be patient and go on

experimenting until you find out that you can’t find out. And it is

delightful to have it that way, it makes the world so interesting.

If there wasn’t anything to find out, it would be dull. Even trying

to find out and not finding out is just as interesting as trying

to find out and finding out, and I don’t know but more so.

The secret of the water was a treasure until I GOT it; then the

excitement all went away, and I recognized a sense of loss.

By experiment I know that wood swims, and dry leaves, and feathers,

and plenty of other things; therefore by all that cumulative evidence

you know that a rock will swim; but you have to put up with simply

knowing it, for there isn’t any way to prove it–up to now.

But I shall find a way–then THAT excitement will go. Such things

make me sad; because by and by when I have found out everything

there won’t be any more excitements, and I do love excitements so!

The other night I couldn’t sleep for thinking about it.

At first I couldn’t make out what I was made for, but now I think it

was to search out the secrets of this wonderful world and be happy

and thank the Giver of it all for devising it. I think there are many

things to learn yet–I hope so; and by economizing and not hurrying

too fast I think they will last weeks and weeks. I hope so. When you

cast up a feather it sails away on the air and goes out of sight;

then you throw up a clod and it doesn’t. It comes down, every time.

I have tried it and tried it, and it is always so. I wonder why

it is? Of course it DOESN’T come down, but why should it SEEM to?

I suppose it is an optical illusion. I mean, one of them is.

I don’t know which one. It may be the feather, it may be the clod;

I can’t prove which it is, I can only demonstrate that one or the other

is a fake, and let a person take his choice.

By watching, I know that the stars are not going to last.

I have seen some of the best ones melt and run down the sky.

Since one can melt, they can all melt; since they can all melt,

they can all melt the same night. That sorrow will come–I know it.

I mean to sit up every night and look at them as long as I can

keep awake; and I will impress those sparkling fields on my memory,

so that by and by when they are taken away I can by my fancy restore

those lovely myriads to the black sky and make them sparkle again,

and double them by the blur of my tears.

After the Fall

When I look back, the Garden is a dream to me. It was beautiful,

surpassingly beautiful, enchantingly beautiful; and now it is lost,

and I shall not see it any more.

The Garden is lost, but I have found HIM, and am content.

He loves me as well as he can; I love him with all the strength

of my passionate nature, and this, I think, is proper to my youth

and sex. If I ask myself why I love him, I find I do not know,

and do not really much care to know; so I suppose that this kind

of love is not a product of reasoning and statistics, like one’s

love for other reptiles and animals. I think that this must be so.

I love certain birds because of their song; but I do not love Adam

on account of his singing–no, it is not that; the more he sings

the more I do not get reconciled to it. Yet I ask him to sing,

because I wish to learn to like everything he is interested in.

I am sure I can learn, because at first I could not stand it,

but now I can. It sours the milk, but it doesn’t matter; I can get

used to that kind of milk.

It is not on account of his brightness that I love him–no, it is

not that. He is not to blame for his brightness, such as it is,

for he did not make it himself; he is as God make him, and that

is sufficient. There was a wise purpose in it, THAT I know.

In time it will develop, though I think it will not be sudden;

and besides, there is no hurry; he is well enough just as he is.

It is not on account of his gracious and considerate ways and

his delicacy that I love him. No, he has lacks in this regard,

but he is well enough just so, and is improving.

It is not on account of his industry that I love him–no, it is

not that. I think he has it in him, and I do not know why he

conceals it from me. It is my only pain. Otherwise he is frank

and open with me, now. I am sure he keeps nothing from me but this.

It grieves me that he should have a secret from me, and sometimes it

spoils my sleep, thinking of it, but I will put it out of my mind;

it shall not trouble my happiness, which is otherwise full

to overflowing.

It is not on account of his education that I love him–no, it is

not that. He is self-educated, and does really know a multitude

of things, but they are not so.

It is not on account of his chivalry that I love him–no, it is not that.

He told on me, but I do not blame him; it is a peculiarity of sex,

I think, and he did not make his sex. Of course I would not have

told on him, I would have perished first; but that is a peculiarity

of sex, too, and I do not take credit for it, for I did not make

my sex.

Then why is it that I love him? MERELY BECAUSE HE IS MASCULINE,

I think.

At bottom he is good, and I love him for that, but I could love

him without it. If he should beat me and abuse me, I should go

on loving him. I know it. It is a matter of sex, I think.

He is strong and handsome, and I love him for that, and I admire him

and am proud of him, but I could love him without those qualities.

He he were plain, I should love him; if he were a wreck, I should

love him; and I would work for him, and slave over him, and pray

for him, and watch by his bedside until I died.

Yes, I think I love him merely because he is MINE and is MASCULINE.

There is no other reason, I suppose. And so I think it is as I

first said: that this kind of love is not a product of reasonings

and statistics. It just COMES–none knows whence–and cannot

explain itself. And doesn’t need to.

It is what I think. But I am only a girl, the first that has

examined this matter, and it may turn out that in my ignorance

and inexperience I have not got it right.

Forty Years Later

It is my prayer, it is my longing, that we may pass from this

life together–a longing which shall never perish from the earth,

but shall have place in the heart of every wife that loves,

until the end of time; and it shall be called by my name.

But if one of us must go first, it is my prayer that it shall be I;

for he is strong, I am weak, I am not so necessary to him as he is

to me–life without him would not be life; now could I endure it?

This prayer is also immortal, and will not cease from being offered up

while my race continues. I am the first wife; and in the last wife I

shall be repeated.

At Eve’s Grave

ADAM: Wheresoever she was, THERE was Eden.

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