What ship of Epidamnum stays for me?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE A ship you sent me to, to hire waftage.
OF EPHESUS Thou drunken slave, I sent thee for a rope;
And told thee to what purpose and what end.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE You sent me for a rope’s end as soon:
You sent me to the bay, sir, for a bark.
OF EPHESUS I will debate this matter at more leisure
And teach your ears to list me with more heed.
To Adriana, villain, hie thee straight:
Give her this key, and tell her, in the desk
That’s cover’d o’er with Turkish tapestry,
There is a purse of ducats; let her send it:
Tell her I am arrested in the street
And that shall bail me; hie thee, slave, be gone!
On, officer, to prison till it come.
Exeunt Second Merchant, Angelo, Officer, and Antipholus of Ephesus
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE To Adriana! that is where we dined,
Where Dowsabel did claim me for her husband:
She is too big, I hope, for me to compass.
Thither I must, although against my will,
For servants must their masters’ minds fulfil.
Exit
Scene 2
The house of ANTIPHOLUS of Ephesus.
Enter ADRIANA and LUCIANA
ADRIANA Ah, Luciana, did he tempt thee so?
Mightst thou perceive austerely in his eye
That he did plead in earnest? yea or no?
Look’d he or red or pale, or sad or merrily?
What observation madest thou in this case
Of his heart’s meteors tilting in his face?
LUCIANA First he denied you had in him no right.
ADRIANA He meant he did me none; the more my spite.
LUCIANA Then swore he that he was a stranger here.
ADRIANA And true he swore, though yet forsworn he were.
LUCIANA Then pleaded I for you.
ADRIANA And what said he?
LUCIANA That love I begg’d for you he begg’d of me.
ADRIANA With what persuasion did he tempt thy love?
LUCIANA With words that in an honest suit might move.
First he did praise my beauty, then my speech.
ADRIANA Didst speak him fair?
LUCIANA Have patience, I beseech.
ADRIANA I cannot, nor I will not, hold me still;
My tongue, though not my heart, shall have his will.
He is deformed, crooked, old and sere,
Ill-faced, worse bodied, shapeless everywhere;
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind;
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
LUCIANA Who would be jealous then of such a one?
No evil lost is wail’d when it is gone.
ADRIANA Ah, but I think him better than I say,
And yet would herein others’ eyes were worse.
Far from her nest the lapwing cries away:
My heart prays for him, though my tongue do curse.
Enter DROMIO of Syracuse
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Here! go; the desk, the purse! sweet, now, make haste.
LUCIANA How hast thou lost thy breath?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE By running fast.
ADRIANA Where is thy master, Dromio? is he well?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE No, he’s in Tartar limbo, worse than hell.
A devil in an everlasting garment hath him;
One whose hard heart is button’d up with steel;
A fiend, a fury, pitiless and rough;
A wolf, nay, worse, a fellow all in buff;
A back-friend, a shoulder-clapper, one that
countermands
The passages of alleys, creeks and narrow lands;
A hound that runs counter and yet draws dryfoot well;
One that before the judgement carries poor souls to hell.
ADRIANA Why, man, what is the matter?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I do not know the matter: he is ‘rested on the case.
ADRIANA What, is he arrested? Tell me at whose suit.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I know not at whose suit he is arrested well;
But he’s in a suit of buff which ‘rested him, that can I tell.
Will you send him, mistress, redemption, the money in his desk?
ADRIANA Go fetch it, sister.
Exit Luciana
This I wonder at,
That he, unknown to me, should be in debt.
Tell me, was he arrested on a band?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Not on a band, but on a stronger thing;
A chain, a chain! Do you not hear it ring?
ADRIANA What, the chain?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE No, no, the bell: ’tis time that I were gone:
It was two ere I left him, and now the clock
strikes one.
ADRIANA The hours come back! that did I never hear.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE O, yes; if any hour meet a sergeant, a’ turns back for
very fear.
ADRIANA As if Time were in debt! how fondly dost thou reason!
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Time is a very bankrupt, and owes more than he’s
worth, to season.
Nay, he’s a thief too: have you not heard men say
That Time comes stealing on by night and day?
If Time be in debt and theft, and a sergeant in the way,
Hath he not reason to turn back an hour in a day?
Re-enter LUCIANA with a purse
ADRIANA Go, Dromio; there’s the money, bear it straight;
And bring thy master home immediately.
Come, sister: I am press’d down with conceit–
Conceit, my comfort and my injury.
Exeunt
Scene 3
A public place.
Enter ANTIPHOLUS of Syracuse
OF SYRACUSE There’s not a man I meet but doth salute me
As if I were their well-acquainted friend;
And every one doth call me by my name.
Some tender money to me; some invite me;
Some other give me thanks for kindnesses;
Some offer me commodities to buy:
Even now a tailor call’d me in his shop
And show’d me silks that he had bought for me,
And therewithal took measure of my body.
Sure, these are but imaginary wiles
And Lapland sorcerers inhabit here.
Enter DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Master, here’s the gold you sent me for. What, have
you got the picture of old Adam new-apparelled?
OF SYRACUSE What gold is this? what Adam dost thou mean?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Not that Adam that kept the Paradise but that Adam
that keeps the prison: he that goes in the calf’s
skin that was killed for the Prodigal; he that came
behind you, sir, like an evil angel, and bid you
forsake your liberty.
OF SYRACUSE I understand thee not.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE No? why, ’tis a plain case: he that went, like a
bass-viol, in a case of leather; the man, sir,
that, when gentlemen are tired, gives them a sob
and ‘rests them; he, sir, that takes pity on decayed
men and gives them suits of durance; he that sets up
his rest to do more exploits with his mace than a
morris-pike.
OF SYRACUSE What, thou meanest an officer?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Ay, sir, the sergeant of the band, he that brings
any man to answer it that breaks his band; one that
thinks a man always going to bed, and says, ‘God
give you good rest!’
OF SYRACUSE Well, sir, there rest in your foolery. Is there any
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Why, sir, I brought you word an hour since that the
bark Expedition put forth to-night; and then were
you hindered by the sergeant, to tarry for the hoy
Delay. Here are the angels that you sent for to
deliver you.
OF SYRACUSE The fellow is distract, and so am I;
And here we wander in illusions:
Some blessed power deliver us from hence!
Enter a Courtezan
Courtezan Well met, well met, Master Antipholus.
I see, sir, you have found the goldsmith now:
Is that the chain you promised me to-day?
OF SYRACUSE Satan, avoid! I charge thee, tempt me not.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Master, is this Mistress Satan?
OF SYRACUSE It is the devil.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Nay, she is worse, she is the devil’s dam; and here
she comes in the habit of a light wench: and thereof
comes that the wenches say ‘God damn me;’ that’s as
much to say ‘God make me a light wench.’ It is
written, they appear to men like angels of light:
light is an effect of fire, and fire will burn;
ergo, light wenches will burn. Come not near her.
Courtezan Your man and you are marvellous merry, sir.
Will you go with me? We’ll mend our dinner here?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Master, if you do, expect spoon-meat; or bespeak a
long spoon.
OF SYRACUSE Why, Dromio?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry, he must have a long spoon that must eat with
the devil.
OF SYRACUSE Avoid then, fiend! what tell’st thou me of supping?
Thou art, as you are all, a sorceress:
I conjure thee to leave me and be gone.
Courtezan Give me the ring of mine you had at dinner,
Or, for my diamond, the chain you promised,
And I’ll be gone, sir, and not trouble you.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Some devils ask but the parings of one’s nail,
A rush, a hair, a drop of blood, a pin,
A nut, a cherry-stone;
But she, more covetous, would have a chain.
Master, be wise: an if you give it her,