in our household. She was the downstairs maid. You got her pregnant, and she
died birthing your child, and you just walked away, damn you. You just left,
probably whistling, probably on the hunt for your next conquest. She meant
nothing to you. And my mother knew, she knew about Molly, all about your other
women. There were so many, how could she not know? I remember her pleading with
you, tears streaming down her face, her sobs that should have stopped you, yet
there was nothing but your indifference.”
“Andrea, for God’s sake, you were only a child. You could not possibly have
understood. You saw everything through a child’s eyes. That is never what is
real, what is true. Listen to me. Your mother?she tended toward hysteria, surely
you realize that now. She saw everything as a slight to her, even the smallest
word would make her cry and scream and lose her head completely. Beyond that,
she was a cold woman. Oh, yes, she was beautiful, but she was cold. She didn’t
want me as a man needs to have a woman want him. She didn’t want me to touch her,
but more than that, she didn’t want me to have any other woman.
“I was not a monk. I had to have companionship, share desire and passion with
someone who cared about me. Your mother didn’t. I was nothing more than a
possession to her. I tell you, I had no choice but to find a small moment of
pleasure, of peace, with other women. She gave me no other choice. She drove me
away from her.”
I said very calmly, looking directly at him, directly at his beautiful mouth
that had just spouted so many lies about my mother, “All of what you said, it is
nothing more than your weak excuses to justify what you did, and you know it. My
mother loved you with all her heart. You hurt her, continually, without caring
that you did. She told me. I was only a child, yet I actually held her while she
cried whenever you went off to be with another woman. She was destroyed by your
blatant disregard of her. You ended up killing her with your indifference. You
were her life, yet she was nothing at all to you. You are as much of a monster
as this ridiculous old man here.”
To my surprise, he nodded. “You are right about a lot of it. I am trying to
excuse myself.”
Lawrence said, “You wondered, did you not, why he did not write you exactly why
he was warning you to leave Devbridge Manor? Can you imagine him actually
writing to you that he had taken another man’s wife, gotten her with child, and
then returned her to her husband? Can you ever think he would condemn himself
like that? He didn’t have the guts to write you the truth. Surely you see that
now.”
Yes, I did see it now. I heard John behind me. What was he thinking? There was
dead silence in the room. I looked at my father, saw the red blood staining his
once-white shirt. I saw the nearly uncontrollable pain in him, from the wound in
his shoulder to the wounds I was inflicting on him. Damn him to hell, he
deserved nothing from me, nothing but my contempt, my hatred. I stood rigid,
lost for a long moment in the past, my mother’s wan, tearful face passing before
my eyes. Ten years ago?my mother was dead, buried, gone. Then, quite suddenly, a
door closed in my mind. The past lay behind that door. There were no shadows, no
bitter images or memories to slither through. No, there was nothing but clarity
now. I felt as if I had just been lifted out of a pit. I felt light engulf me. I
felt free. I felt whole. I looked into those brilliant blue eyes of his, the
color, the shape, just like mine, and said, “Why did you leave me? Mother died,
and I never saw you again. Why did you leave me alone?”
“Your grandfather gave me no choice. He had power, enough power to ensure that I