into her room to find her outside on the narrow ledge, singing to a buck that
was staring back at her from the edge of the home wood. I was never so
frightened in my life. It seemed as if normal, predictable life no longer
existed here. Everyone in the house tiptoed around, so afraid that something
would set her off.
“Then Judith was born. When the doctor put her into Caroline’s arms, I remember
clearly that Caroline began laughing. She laughed and laughed and said, ‘After
all this, I still could not produce a boy child.’ I assured her that it didn’t
matter. There would be other children if she wished. I will never forget how she
smiled at me, smiled with such hope.
I remember how she caressed my face, how she told me she was so very happy.
“To my infinite relief, after Judith’s birth, Caroline became once again the
same girl I had met nearly two years before. I remember thanking God for the
blessed cure. The whole house seemed to breathe a huge sigh of relief. There was
even some laughter to be heard once again at Devbridge Manor. To be honest,
until I heard laughter, I simply had not realized how very grim everyone had
become. Caroline appeared to adore Judith. She spent a lot of time with her,
singing to her, rocking her, playing with her.”
I continued to be so quiet I could have blended with the shadows.
Lawrence plowed his hands through his hair. “Damnation, there is no other way to
say it?it was all a ruse. Caroline was fooling all of us, and very cleverly.” He
fell silent again. His hands were clenched at his sides. I could feel the great
strain in him. “More time passed. But then it all ended abruptly. In her madness,
she threw herself from the north tower. As it happened, I had Judith with me.
She was all of two months old then. If she had been with Caroline, I am certain
that Caroline would have taken her child over the tower balcony with her.”
He drew a deep hard breath. He smashed his fist against his open palm. “There is
just no way around it. I am responsible for her death.”
Chapter Fourteen
It was difficult, but I held my tongue. I did not blurt out things like “what an
idiotic thing to say” or “don’t be ridiculous.” Finally, I said in a lovely calm
voice, “Please tell me why you believe that.”
“Only the day before she had begged me to remove the bars from her bedchamber
windows. I had them removed immediately, and I felt guilt that I had not thought
to do it sooner. She had recovered; she was once again the lovely girl I had
married. I remember how she was smiling when she handed me Judith, down in the
drawing room, and left me, just for a moment. She told me she was chilly and
wished to fetch her favorite shawl. Of course a servant followed her discreetly,
and obviously she knew it. She went in The Blue Room, closed the door, and
climbed out the window. She made her way along that narrow ledge between The
Blue Room and the chamber next to it. From there she went to the north tower. If
only I had been less ready to believe her normal again, if only I had waited,
just a few more days, to have the bars removed from the windows, she would not
have been able to hurl herself off the tower balcony.”
It had all happened twelve years ago, and still he was carrying this mindless
guilt he didn’t deserve. I said, “If you had waited, well, then, it seems
logical that she would simply have waited, then done the same thing once she was
able.”
“Perhaps, perhaps.”
“It is a very tragic thing, Lawrence. I am very sorry.”
“I couldn’t bring myself to tell you, Andy, and I’m sorry I was such a coward.
But I could not be certain that you wouldn’t want me because I had a child who
might carry her mother’s madness. Or perhaps you would believe that the madness