for me. I hadn’t laughed in a long time, too long a time, but the look on your
face, it pulled laughter out of me until I was shaking with it. I wanted more. I
wanted you. But then, of course, you would have nothing to do with me. It was
the first time in my life that I have ever gone out of my way to attract a woman.
But I couldn’t have attracted you if my life had depended on it. By God, you
wouldn’t even tell me your name. It was an immense failure. I hated it, but
there was nothing I could do about it except retreat. I came back to Devbridge
Manor, planning to return to London after you were out of mourning.”
He laughed, an ugly mocking laugh, a laugh that was aimed at himself. “That was
a rather remarkably disastrous decision on my part, wasn’t it?”
I rose to stand in front of him. I felt as though I was standing in a deep hole,
black earth all around me, the gray heavy sky so far above me, and the hole was
sinking and I was sinking deeper and deeper with it. I felt tears sting my eyes,
felt them begin to slide slowly down my cheeks.
I watched him take off his glove. I watched his hand. He touched his fingers to
my face, wiping away the tears.
“There has been so little between us,” he said, and now he cupped my cheek with
his palm, “and there can never be anything more. I probably shouldn’t have told
you any of this. To be honest, it just fell out of my mouth without my
permission, obviously without any sensible thought on my part. But none of it
matters now, Andy. I can’t leave until I find out what’s going on here. I can’t
allow you to be hurt. I would rather cut my heart out than have you hurt. When
you fell from Small Bess, I nearly expired with the fear of it. Do you
understand, even a little bit?”
His palm was very warm. The ache inside me was very deep. “Yes,” I said. “I
understand.” For the first time in my life, I raised my hand and lightly touched
my fingers to a man’s face, and it wasn’t my grandfather. He was so very warm,
so very vibrant, passion and life pulsing through him. I wanted to cry because I
was a fool, because I had made a huge blunder, destroyed my own life, but it
wouldn’t matter. What was done would remain done. Nothing could be changed.
I dropped my hand.
“What do you think we should do?”
He looked away from me. He was tense. I confess I felt much the same. “The ball
is the day after tomorrow. Guests will begin arriving tomorrow morning. There is
no way to cancel it now. Uncle Lawrence wondered about that when you were in
your room resting, but he knew that guests were already on their way, some of
them coming even from London. No, the ball will go on, and there will be guests
remaining here for up to four days before they leave for other Christmas parties.
What to do? Well, we will have to be on our guard. Please, you mustn’t simply
decide again that you want to think alone. I won’t let you off so easily if you
try it again.”
“Just what will you do?”
He smiled before he lightly closed his hands around my neck. He dipped his face
down and touched his mouth to mine. I didn’t move. I didn’t do anything, just
stood there, waiting for my brain to explode in fear, but when it exploded, it
wasn’t fear at all, it was quite something else. I didn’t know what to do. Well,
yes, I did. I wanted to throw my arms around him and hold on forever. But I didn’t,
of course.
Loyalty, I thought, I had promised my loyalty. Slowly, so much pain flowing
through me I knew that he must see it, recognize it, I stepped back.
“We will get through this,” he said. “Come along, now, we’ll go back to the