Sweet Jesu, did he have a mistress? At court, perhaps? I had not once thought of this possibility, and I had not been with the household long enough to know. Did Evelyn know?
I could not ask her.
I just wanted it to be over. My marriage night was merely something to be got past, something where I wanted to know what was expected of me that I might do my best to comply. Perhaps I would start breeding soon and then, like Adelie, I could find a reprieve from my husband’s demands.
As always, the unknown assumed a more terrifying guise than what turned out to be reality.
We had our supper, and then I retired to the privy chamber with Evelyn to get ready for bed. I suppose that had this been a marriage made in more usual times, the ceremony would have been more elaborate. As it was, it was utterly perfunctory.
I was beyond relieved to see the bed had been replaced, and that there were new hangings on both the bed and at the window. The bed had even been shifted to another part of the commodious chamber. There were bad memories still in here, but at least the new and rearranged furniture made it easier.
Evelyn and I did not talk much. I was too nervous and she, I think, too uncomfortable at the new relationship between us: I cannot imagine Evelyn had ever thought of us as lady and attending woman. We laid aside my kirtle, brushed out my hair, and then Evelyn gave me a light wrap to put over my chemise so I could wait for the earl.
I did not know whether to climb into bed or wait in a chair by the fire.
In the end, I chose the chair by the fire. Evelyn left me, saying she would return in the morning.
For now, and for the rest of the night, I would be alone with my husband.
I sat for what felt to me a very long time, but which in reality was likely only a brief period. I think the earl must have been in the solar, waiting only for Evelyn to leave.
When he came in, I rose hastily, and dipped in courtesy. He walked over and gave that small strange smile of his and, a little hesitant himself, ran a gentle hand behind my neck.
‘I do not require such formality in our bedchamber, Maeb.’
I felt vulnerable at the touch of his hand, but relieved at the mention of requirements. ‘I do not know what you want, my lord. I do not know how to please you, or what pleases you.’
Again, that small smile. He brought up his other hand, running the fingers slowly through the bulk of my hair before he gently kissed my forehead. ‘Get into bed,’ he said, ‘while I disrobe, and then we can talk.’
I walked to the other side of the bed as the earl disrobed. Should I offer to assist him? No, he had told me to get into bed. Somewhat self-consciously, for I had never before been naked before a man, I set my wrap to one side before stepping out of the chemise.
I slid into bed, trying not to hurry as I drew the coverlets over my breasts. My hair was so long it caught behind me, and I pulled it over my shoulder, using it, as well as the coverlets, as a form of defence.
The earl undressed unhurriedly, then slid into bed beside me.
We sat there, my stomach knotting.
‘I know that my decision to choose you as a wife, particularly after the manner in which I spoke to you on that day we met, has been a surprise to you,’ he said.
I made a noncommittal noise, desperately unsure of what to say.
He shifted so he could look at me directly, and the knots in my stomach increased. ‘My opinion of you changed as you settled into my household, although I was never happy about the regard in which Stephen held you, nor, indeed, that which you felt for him. I had heard reports of how you rode together much of the way to this castle, and that angered me.’
The earl lifted a hand and brushed a small amount of hair away from my shoulder. ‘I spent half my time being angry at you, Maeb, and the other half being grateful you walked into Rosseley. You twist me both ways.’ He sighed, his hand still stroking at my hair, gently touching my shoulder now and again. ‘I worry that my desire for you might deflect me from my purpose. I worry that you might be my undoing.’
‘My lord, I —’
‘Perhaps I should not have remarried,’ he continued, giving me no chance to speak. ‘There are such pressing matters ahead I need to focus on, and such dark times, that it would be simpler for me without the burden of a wife and a family. Better without the temptation of such a lovely girl in my bed. On the other hand, a wife would be a comfort to me. You would be a comfort to me. Should I have married you? I don’t know, perhaps not, but it is done now, Maeb, and we shall both have to make the best of it.’
Hardly reassuring words, although his voice was gentle. He worried that I would be his undoing? He referred to Henry, obviously, and how my witless naïvety might make the earl vulnerable.
His hand slipped behind my neck, very slowly stroking. ‘Maybe we might have a marriage where we can both be of comfort to each other. Do you think we might manage that?’
‘I will try, my lord.’
‘Call me Raife, in this privacy. We hold equal rank now. You should learn to wield it.’
‘I am too unsure to wield it!’
He laughed and its genuine amusement startled me. ‘You will become more comfortable, in time. Call me Raife, now. Say it.’
‘Raife.’ It felt strange. ‘It will become familiar to you,’ he said, leaning forward to kiss my neck. His hand went to my shoulder. ‘Come now, lie down.’
I lay down, he sliding down to accompany me. I prayed this would be over soon and that he would not be too displeased. Then I could close my eyes and move toward tomorrow when everything, I was sure, would be easier.
‘Do you know, when I married Adelie, we were both so young. I was fifteen, and Adelie only fourteen or so.’
I smiled, a little tremulously.
‘On our wedding night she spent three hours on her knees on that side of the bed,’ he nodded to my side, ‘praying fervently.’
Sweet Jesu, is that what he expected me to do?
‘No, fair Mae,’ he said, kissing my shoulder now, ‘I do not want you sliding away from my warmth onto the colder orbit of the floor. Stay right where you are. But, oh, that night, I was full of righteous lust, Adelie of pious duty. I fear she did not enjoy herself. But … that was Adelie. This is you. Perhaps we can manage all kinds of excitements between us, you and I.’
My mind instantly leapt to the dark whispers I’d heard among women of the village: that some men liked to obtain their pleasure with knives and bindings, even with fire and blood.
My fear must have shown on my face, for the earl chuckled.
‘No, Mae! I do not intend to beat you! Nor harm you in any way. I would never do that. Never. Tell me you understand that.’
I liked the way he used the diminutive of my name. It reassured me, somehow. ‘I know that you would never harm me, my … Raife.’
‘If only your voice carried conviction, wife, but I can live with the mere words for the moment. Time will bring trust. I will never harm you, Mae. Never. Whatever you may come to think of me. You are the one person I could never want to harm.’
I rolled my head over to look at him, knowing my eyes still mirrored my doubt.
‘Oh, Mae …’ He kissed me, very deeply, his hand caressing my body. I was still uncertain of him, but I tried to relax as he touched me intimately.
‘Just trust me, Mae.’
‘Yes.’
‘Whatever happens.’
‘Yes.’
I was relaxing now, and astonishing myself by realising that I enjoyed the touch of his hand. He rolled me over to face him, and I leaned in, pressing my breasts against his chest, for the first time recognising the power of my own body and of my own sexuality as I heard his breath catch.
We kissed again, more passionately now that I was a little more at ease, and he pressed me the length of his body.
‘You are full of surprises,’ he whispered, kissing me on my cheek and chin, and a sweet, sweet spot on my neck that made me shudder. ‘So full of surprises. I must beware of you.’